by Aisha Urooj
I think about what John had said and I say, "No John, I am not like Belle. I was never like Belle. I am cursed too, cursed to wait, just like the Beast."
∞∞∞
The weather doesn't get better. It alternates between rain and fog and as I look from my window, the people moving outside are turned into ghosts and shadows in the mist. The image makes me shiver.
I have a hard time shaking this uneasy feeling away. I think about calling Ellie and I pick up the phone, I call her a few times but she is not answering her phone. Where was she? Why wasn't she picking up the phone? I wish she did, I really want to hear her voice.
Soon after I receive a phone call from Ellie's parents. Maybe they can tell me where Ellie was? I pick up the phone and hear Mrs. James crying on the other end.
"Cassie...our baby is gone. Eleanor is dead."
I stop breathing. "The police came to us in the morning. They said that the maid had found Eleanor passed away in her sleep. We have been asked to come to the morgue to identify her body."
The words "Eleanor" "morgue" "body" scream at me. My mind is in a deeper fog than the one outside my window and I have trouble understanding any of Mrs. James' words. What was she saying? She can't be talking about my Ellie? Ellie can't die...
This time Mr. James is speaking, "Cassie dear, can you please come to the hospital? We can't do this alone, we need you here."
My legs finally start to move towards my apartment door. In my semi-conscious state, I somehow arrive to where Ellie's parents were waiting for me and we are taken to Ellie's 'body'. It is hard for me to believe that she is dead and not simply sleeping. Her golden hair caress her face and her eyes are closed. She can't be dead. I touch her face to wake her from her slumber.
She is cold. My Ellie, who is always warmth herself is freezing to the touch. A sob escapes my lips. I see Mrs. James collapse to the ground and Mr. James hold her hand in tears and agony.
Ellie didn't respond to our cries.
She doesn't move at all. There she laid frozen, unaware of the world around her, far away from any sorrow, deep in her slumber like a sleeping beauty.
∞∞∞
'Accidental overdose' are what the doctors are calling it.
I never thought Ellie would be a victim of an overdose. A girl that brought life into my world be taken away so suddenly. One who brought light and chased away my dark clouds be consumed by darkness herself. Her love, her light succumbed to drugs.
I knew she would sometimes take drugs when she first started in the acting industry, mostly recreational, during the parties and more to be social than anything serious. I had never agreed to it and I would tell her to stop taking it so lightly. She had pretended or had lied to me that she never even looked at them anymore.
How could she do this? How could she be so reckless? She should have known about the danger! She should have known better! Had the trauma after her last incident had her looking for something stronger? Had she be taking more and more to get some relief, til she couldn't anymore? Or was it accidental and a one time thing? Why did she take it when she had so much to live for? Did she think that she was in control when in fact the drugs ended up controlling her?
There is no relief for me in asking these questions when you are not here to answer them. Ellie, why did you face it all alone? Why didn't you tell me?
I will never know about the inner demons that you had been fighting. You didn't tell me.
I wish I had known. I wish I had stopped her death.
All I could do now is wish. I wish she had thought about what could happen. I wish she had sought help before it was too late, before it consumed her and her life and left us broken. I think about her parents and I wonder if they regret agreeing to her acting career. I wonder if they regret saying yes to her leaving high school. I wonder that if they had known about the outcome, would they have locked Ellie away forever to protect her?
I would have.
They grieve that as parents they have to bury their child. They grieve at the loss of their baby, their daughter, their angel and I can't say or do anything that can bring her back to us.
Chapter Thirty-Nine: A Lost Friend
During university, I had sometimes considered writing as a possible future option and when I thought about it more, I had wanted the subject to be on friendship.
I would scribble bits and ideas on to paper, hoping to eventually surprise Ellie with a completed work. Ellie had been healthy and alive then. I didn't know that I would complete this work but as her in my memory...an ode to our friendship.
Dead at twenty-four.
It didn't make sense. The number didn't make sense. Her death didn't make sense. None of it made sense.
As I was chosen to read the eulogy at her funeral, countless people came to me remarking how my thoughts had captured her spirit as she had lived. My thought gave words to the tremendous grief and indescribable loss they felt.
Ellie had touched so many lives in her short stay on earth, both on the screen and in person. She had amassed a huge following, it seemed impossible, but even more than when she was alive, almost a cult like public obsession.
The words "young movie legend" were being thrown around as she won accolade after accolade posthumously. I looked at the gathered crowd in the church and saw some familiar faces like Mr. Chris, Ms. Carla, Mrs. Rosa, sitting teary-eyed and grief-stricken with her family, but most of the faces are unknown to me and I wonder in what way had Ellie touched their lives. Her eulogy is printed in countless newspaper and shared online as people saw it echo the sentiments in their hearts and mind. It seemed like, as I did, the whole world was grieving the loss of a friend.
We all found our ways to mourn and come to terms with her passing. Ellie's parents opened a rehabilitation and treatment centre for drug addiction in her name. Ellie's parents also contributed funds to PTSD and late-onset PTSD research, the latter was most likely what had driven Ellie to addiction.
They would also go from one high school to another across the country to share their story with the students. They talked of their grief to the young students in hopes that it would prevent them from making the same mistake that Ellie made and to make them realize the perils of addiction. They would plea to anyone listening to not let anyone suffer alone in silence and if they weren't sure where or how to start, to not to be afraid to seek help. Most of all they didn't want another family going through what they were going through, losing a child to addiction.
I also found a way to mourn her death and for hours on end, I would write my thoughts onto paper. Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks. As I wrote about her, words became my anchor and writing became the lifeline. I was finally to be something, a writer.
My soul would take flight on paper, just like Ellie's had going city to city for her acting aspirations. Just like her's had in every role she played on camera. Just like her's would still have performing, if only she hadn't given in to addiction. I close my eyes, too tired to think anymore.
Buddy misses Ellie terribly too. His ears and tail remains drooped. Early morning before our walks, he would scratch his paws on the front door, whimper sadly and wait for his missing favorite visitor. He howls hauntingly when he sees Ellie's picture on the news or when her movie plays on TV. I hug him tight and tell him that I missed her too. We both loved her the same way and we share our grief together.
A few weeks after Ellie's death, I received a copy of the will from the estate attorney as I was listed as one of the beneficiaries, included with the document was also a hand-written letter by Ellie. The letter is dated from a year ago, my hands trembled as I start to read, tears well in my eyes as I hear Ellie's voice once again through the words on her letter.
Dear Cassie,
If you are reading this letter, it is probably after you heard the bad news of me being dead.
Don't worry, I didn't have a premonition nor had I contemplated dying suddenly, I would have told you about that, but after my acciden
t my lawyer advised me to think about drafting a will. I am sure you got the legal documents in all the legal fine print glory...I just wanted to pen you an handwritten letter that would give a more proper adieu.
If you are reading this letter at age hundred and one, then congratulations to you (and hopefully me as well) for living to be a century old! The sum that I have left for you, you can will to your most capable, or favorite, child or grandchild or great grandchild (unfair favoritism is allowed in very old grannies).
However, if you have truly become an cranky old toad, and are not in a sharing mood or feel anyone is worthy enough, than you can feel free to finally buy that donut shop and indulge in all the sugary treats that your heart desires. Trust me, as I am already dead, I won't be haunting you for your diet anymore. Similarly, you can also feel free to donate it to any charity of your choice or do as you please with the money.
If you are reading this letter much sooner than at an old age, then my dear Cassie, I am sorry for the grief that you are feeling because of my death. Although it might hurt you to read this, but in a way I am glad that I passed away before you because I don't think I could have beared the same sorrow.
Cassie I want you to use this fund to fulfill your life's dream. If you have finally decided to accept your gift of being a deep and sensitive soul and became a writer, it would bring much joy to my deceased self if you used my insignificant money to publish your first novel.
You might protest that the sum is not insignificant at all however the money is no use to me dead and I would rather find some peace in the thought that my best friend used it for a meaningful purpose. I know you feel indecisive but deep down I know you have finally chosen what you want to do. Trust in yourself Ellie and trust me when I say that you are destined for great things. You should share your thoughts with the world as the world would be much better for it.
I will make you a promise Cassie, I will put my untimely departure to good use. How you may ask? I will talk to the Big Guy and ask him to send you back the love of your life (you know how good I am with negotiations!). Even though you don't say his name, I know that you often think about him.... and despite you giving your best efforts at dating and love, your heart has not belonged to anyone since him.
You deserve everything my dear friend. I am just sorry that I can't wrap my arms around you to say I love you. But I love you Cassie.
Don't grieve my death, my dear friend, for Life comes with both thorns and roses.
Forever Yours,
Ellie
p.s. Please give my hug to Buddy if he is around and missing me. I love you too Buddy
Just when I thought that I had run out of tears, Ellie's letter brings me to the breaking point. Life was so unfair, she didn't want to die so young...I had lost my friend, I had lost my world.
Chapter Forty: Promised Return
A year passes by like a blur, it was around this time that John found me, likely as a gift send from Ellie looking out for me from the heavens above.
My first published writing had brought me out of obscurity and into the sight of my first love. I receive a phone call from a person named John Damon, who had been looking for a Cassandra Grace. We agree to meet in person and I come face to face with the person who I had often thought about over the years.
I see him and I wonder if I should I let myself believe that he had thought about me too? John is not the teenage boy that I had known in high school but now he stood in front of me as a 26-year old man, grown more sombre and handsome with the passage of time.
"How are you Cassandra?", asks an older John
"I am.....not alright", I finally admit to another person and I am surprised at my own frank admission to him.
"What can I do to make you feel better?", he says concerned. His amber eyes as lovely as yesteryear.
"Can you.... forgive me?"
"Forgive you?"
"Yes, I know that I don't deserve it but can you forgive me John? I am sorry for how I treated you."
"You don't have anything to apologize for."
"Yes, I do. You have always been sweet, kind, understanding to me....and I acted cold in return. I have felt guilty ever since."
"You shouldn't have felt guilty, it was a long time ago."
"I do feel terribly guilty! I was young and didn't know any better but that is no excuse. I shouldn't have done it."
"It is ok."
"Are you sure?", I ask looking at him.
"Yes....I am glad that you did."
I wasn't expecting to hear this from him, I am genuinely surprised. "You are....glad?"
"Yes, you heard it correctly. I am glad."
"Why would you be glad? John I ignored you. I wouldn't answer back to your messages. I wouldn't pick up your calls. You tried to reach me several times but each time I wouldn't even give you a chance to say anything...I was horrible to you..."
He answers, "I know you did that because you were hurting and that my moving away was hard for you as much it was for me. Honestly, if you had remained sweet to me, my dear Cassie, I would have fallen even more in love with you than I already was, it would have made it impossible for me to leave you. We were only teenagers then with the whole world before us, perhaps we needed the time apart from each other to grow and then to find each other again once more."
I remain speechless and he continues,"I won't lie Cassie, I have often thought about you and wondered where you were and what you were doing. If you would like, I want us to get to know each other again."
There it was...I had heard from him what I wanted to believe all these years. He had finally said that he had been in love with me back then.
I look at him, loss for words and he reaches for my hands. He kisses the fingertips gently and my body warms at his touch. I cup his face gently into my hands and he closes his eyes slowly, as if he were waiting for my touch. Oh how I had missed him! He had remembered me. He told me that he had often thought about me.
We would continue to see each other a few times each week. John is as patient and loving as long before, when he asks where I had wanted to go with him on our dates, I had said to simply just go for walks together.
He obliges my request and we would walk and talk during our hikes, often with Buddy accompanying us happily. We would share our life stories from the days after high school and to just before we met again. We walk near a pond and I see a swan paddle through the reflected autumn colors in the water.
"Cassie, I use to wander around town looking for you on my bike. I had hoped to find you around every corner that I turned. I really wanted to bump into you again."
"With your bike?", I ask hesitantly.
"Well...it didn't work the first time..."
We both laugh at the memory of our first meeting when he had literally bumped into me with his bike.
After seeing me laugh, John looks at me and says, "I had missed hearing your laughter Cassie."
"I think I had forgotten how to... after Ellie died."
"That must have been hard for you. I am sorry."
"I am the one who is sorry...it is all my fault John, I should have saved Ellie."
"It is not your fault Cassie."
"I should have known, I should have helped her."
"She hid it from everyone Cassie, no one could have known."
"I failed her as her friend. I will never forgive myself."
"Don't say that... Ellie would be sad to see you like this. She loved you."
"I wish I had told her how much I loved her. I should have told her that every day, she should have never felt all alone. I can't anymore, now she is gone."
"I am sure she knew Cassie. You can't predict what is going to happen in life, none of us can. We can just try to appreciate life while we have it."
"You are right John. My biggest regret is not telling her that I loved her every day. I don't want to make that mistake ever again", I say with tears in my eyes. "John I wanted to tell you...."
"...I know what you wan
t to tell me."
"You do?"
"Yes...I want to say it to you as well. I had lost the chance to tell you many years ago and I had agonized over if I would get another chance in this life. I truly cannot wait another second to tell you this. I love you Cassandra Grace, I always have and when we met again, I knew that I always will. I love you so much Cassie."
John kisses me deeply after declaring his love. This time I kiss him back with tears streaming down my face.
"I love you John. I love you with all my heart. I wanted to tell you that and I promise that I will every day."
He holds my hand and I rest my head on his shoulders. I think about how fate had brought us back together. I think about all the uncertainty we faced in between...and I remember what Ellie had said.
"John....she knew....Ellie was so sure that you will come back for me one day. She almost promised me that you would. She said that she had faith in our love."
"She was a good friend to me too", says John remembering.
It is true, I thought. Ellie always took his side even when he wasn't there.
"You know that she threatened me once?"
"Ellie threatened you John? Whatever for?"
"She said that she would hurt me badly if I ever broke your heart Cassie."
"..but Ellie would never hurt a soul! She was a non-violent person...she wouldn't even get angry at anyone,", I say surprised.
"She said that if I hurt you in any way, shape or form that she would get her lawyer parents to sue me. I was seventeen, I almost believed her. She was quite convincing!"
I laugh and say," That sounds so much like a Ellie thing to do!"
"Yes...I knew then that I would have to deal with being sued if I ever went on a date with you Cassie and it didn't go well. Luckily, it turned out alright", says John smiling.
I warm at the thought of Ellie looking out for me without me knowing.