by Linda Green
I see Dad frowning at Kaz. I don’t understand either.
‘But how are you moving your bed and all your furniture?’
‘They’re not mine, pet. I’m in a rented room.’
‘What about all your other things?’
‘I haven’t got much. Main thing I need moving is our Terry’s TV and video player.’
‘Well, I could definitely fit them in the car,’ says Dad, ‘no trouble at all.’
‘Thanks. That’ll be a huge help.’
‘Is Our Terry going to be living there with you?’ I ask.
‘He is,’ says Kaz, ‘just as soon as he’s well enough.’
‘He’s been in hospital for a long time now,’ I say. ‘Can’t the doctors make him better?’
‘Finn,’ says Dad.
‘It’s OK,’ says Kaz, before turning to me.
‘Thing is, Finn. It’s not like he’s got a broken leg or summat that they can put in plaster and mend. He’s got schizophrenia. That means his mind doesn’t work like yours or mine and he gets scared and upset and confused. Most of time it’s OK and he can get by with a bit of help from me, but if he gets stressed about summat, it gets worse and he has to go in hospital so doctors can look after him.’
I think for a moment. I get scared and upset and confused. I wonder if I’ve got schizophrenia and Dad just hasn’t found out about it yet. Maybe I never had the test for that.
‘That must be a huge strain on you, Kaz,’ says Dad.
‘We muddle by best we can. We were fine until DWP found him fit for work. He got sectioned on his first day.’
I don’t know what getting sectioned is, but it doesn’t sound very nice. I wouldn’t want anyone to try to split me up into sections.
‘That’s appalling,’ says Dad. ‘Have you appealed against the decision?’
‘Yeah. They reconsidered and agreed with original decision, but I’ve got a tribunal hearing through for next month. Haven’t got a clue what to say, though. It’ll be all legal bods and me who don’t know owt.’
‘Well, I’d be very happy to help your brother, if you’d like me to?’
‘But you only help people who are moving house,’ I point out.
Dad looks at me. He seems a bit cross. ‘I am still a solicitor, Finn. I used to do cases like this years ago.’
‘Did you? Why did you stop then?’
Dad shakes his head. ‘Because I had to earn more money when Mum was at home with you and conveyancing pays more than what I was doing before.’
‘Oh,’ I say, looking down at the mention of Mum’s name.
‘Thanks, Martin,’ says Kaz. ‘Thing is, I couldn’t afford to pay you.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ says Dad. ‘I’d be doing it as a friend. You’ve done so much to help Finn. It’s the least I can do.’
‘If you’re sure,’ says Kaz, her face brightening.
‘Absolutely,’ replies Dad. ‘Have you got a date for the tribunal?’
‘September seventeenth,’ says Kaz.
‘Right. I’ll get it booked off. And if you can give me any paperwork you’ve got next Saturday, I’ll start going through it for you.’
‘Thank you,’ says Kaz. She looks happy about Dad helping Our Terry. I’m happy about it too. I had no idea Dad could be useful.
‘Can I meet Our Terry when he comes home?’ I ask.
‘Course you can,’ Kaz says with a smile. ‘I reckon you two would get on a treat. Now, are you going to help me get these plants out in garden before tea’s ready?’
I nod and follow Kaz outside, still wondering if I have schizophrenia.
AFTER 10
10
Kaz
I wait in the hall of the hostel for Martin to knock. I wish I hadn’t told them now. They have no idea of how I have been living. Finn probably doesn’t even know that places like this exist. What bothers me is that he might think I lived here by choice. That I’ve been scrounging off the state while he pays his taxes. I’d hate anyone to think that I’m not the sort to pay my own way.
There’s a knock at the door. I can see two shadows behind it; one tall, one short. I wonder if Finn will be as tall as Martin one day. I remember how Terry shot up when he hit thirteen. Like a bloody beanpole he was, it was all I could do to keep up with him saying he was hungry every five minutes.
I open the door. Martin smiles at me.
‘Hello, Kaz,’ he says. ‘I’ve managed to park almost outside, so we should be able to load up nice and easily.’
They step inside. Finn looks at the case and bags I have stacked up at the bottom of the stairs, then looks at me earnestly.
‘Is that all you have in the world?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ I say. ‘It may not be much to show for fifty-nine years, but at least I travel light.’
Martin looks embarrassed. ‘Right, let me go and fetch your TV and video. Which room is it?’
‘Let me show you.’
I lead them up the stairs and open the door. The TV and video are at the end of the bed, as they have been since I moved in.
‘Is this where you’ve been living?’ asks Finn.
‘Yeah. It actually looks bigger without rest of my stuff.’
‘You must have been like a little mouse burrowing in every night,’ says Finn.
‘I suppose I was.’
‘Has your new place got more than one room?’
‘It has. It’s got a bedroom for our Terry too.’
‘Do you think Our Terry will like it?’
‘I hope so,’ I say. ‘Because as soon as he’s better, it’s going to be his new home.’
Martin carries the TV downstairs for me, while I carry the video player and Finn carries a bag of videos of Stars in Their Eyes. We load them up into Martin’s car and set off.
‘Do you feel sad to be leaving?’ asks Finn.
‘No. Not this time, because it never really felt like home.’
‘Why did you live there then?’
‘Finn,’ says Martin from the front.
‘No, it’s OK,’ I say, turning to face Finn, who is sitting next to me in the back. ‘It was because I couldn’t afford to stay at my last place after I lost my job, and sometimes, when you’re in a tight spot, you have to make do with what you can.’
Finn nods, seemingly satisfied. We carry on, through the centre of Halifax and out the other side.
‘Has your new place got a garden?’ Finn asks.
‘No, I’m afraid not. Is it OK if I carry on visiting yours?’
‘That’s fine,’ says Finn. ‘Even when it’s finished, Alan says there’s always work to do in a garden.’
I catch Martin smiling in the rear-view mirror. I thought he was a bit of a cold fish at first but I’m starting to see that he does appreciate Finn’s funny ways. He just needs to get better at showing it.
*
We arrive outside my new house. I still can’t get my head around it. That for the first time in my life, I am going to live in an actual house. It’s also midway between the garden centre and the psychiatric unit, and not too far from Finn’s house, which couldn’t be better, really.
I open the front door and they follow me inside.
‘Nice place this,’ says Martin, as he carries the TV into the front room. I look around me and smile. It is nice. It’s exactly what I need right now. ‘I bet you can’t wait to have your own space again,’ Martin continues.
‘I can’t wait to clean it,’ I say. ‘No one else in hostel ever seemed to bother. I like a place to be squeaky clean, I do.’
‘When you’ve finished, shall I come and inspect it?’ asks Finn. ‘If it’s really clean, I’ll give it a five-star hygiene rating.’
‘Thank you, Finn,’ I say, with a smile. ‘That would be grand. Now, why don’t I give you a quick
guided tour while your dad sorts out the TV for me.’
I take him upstairs to see the tiny bathroom and two bedrooms.
‘Which one is going to be yours?’ he asks.
‘This one,’ I reply.
‘It’s the smallest.’
‘I know, Terry’s got more stuff than me. Anyway, I’ll like being at back, should be nice and quiet.’
‘Where are the duvets and pillows?’
‘They’re on my shopping list but I can’t afford everything at once.’
We go back down to the kitchen. I can see that it really does need a good scrub.
‘Where’s the kettle and the toaster and the smoothie maker?’ Finn says, looking at the bare surfaces.
‘What would I be wanting with a smoothie maker?’
‘You can make banana and blueberry smoothies with them.’
‘Can you now. Well, I’ll stick with a brew, if it’s all the same to you.’
‘When you’ve got your kettle.’
‘Aye. It’s next on my list, mind.’
We go back through to the front room.
‘There,’ says Martin, emerging from the back of the television. ‘That’s your TV and video player all set up.’
‘You’re a star,’ I reply. ‘That’s first thing our Terry will ask about when he visits.’
‘When’s Our Terry going to come and see it?’ Finn asks.
‘In a fortnight’s time. Just for the afternoon. Doctor says he’ll be ready for a trip out by then.’
‘That’ll be lovely for you both,’ says Martin.
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Yes, it will.’
I don’t tell them that I haven’t told Terry yet. That I am dreading it. Dreading setting him off again.
*
Martin goes off to get takeaway pizza for us. He says it’s what everyone has on moving day, although I wouldn’t know about that, only having moved once before, when ordering pizza was the last thing on my mind.
‘Come on then, Finn. Are you going to give me a hand with cleaning?’
‘Have you got Marigolds?’ he asks. ‘Only I don’t like getting my hands wet, as well as dirty.’
‘You really are a funny onion,’ I say with a smile, fishing my Marigolds out of the bag for him.
‘Mum used to say that to me sometimes,’ he says. ‘Even though I don’t think I look like an onion at all.’
I laugh, pass him a scouring pad and we make a start on the cleaning.
*
I don’t realise how long Martin’s been gone until he gets back when we’re almost finished cleaning.
‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘Took longer than I thought.’
He puts the pizza boxes down on the floor and goes back to the car. Finn runs out after him. They return a few minutes later, Finn almost entirely covered by a duvet and pillow.
‘These are for you,’ he says, dropping them on the floor. I look from Finn to Martin and back again.
‘Where’s this from?’
‘Our spare room,’ says Finn. ‘Mum would want you to have it.’
I give him a hug. It lasts for quite a long time.
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘That is right kind of you.’
Martin puts down three boxes: a kettle, a toaster and a four-piece dinner set with cutlery.
‘And this is a little housewarming gift for you,’ he says. ‘I’m told you didn’t fancy a smoothie maker.’
I look at Finn and he grins back at me.
‘You didn’t have to do this, you know,’ I say.
‘We wanted to make it feel like home for you,’ Finn says.
‘Thank you,’ I say, trying hard to keep my voice from breaking. ‘You bring pizzas through and I’ll christen kettle.’
*
The first thing Terry does when I arrive at his room in Kingfisher ward the next day is hand me a letter.
‘What’s this?’ I ask.
‘It’s for mam of that lass, like I said.’
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘I’ll ask police to pass it on to her.’
He nods and sits down again.
‘I wish I knew,’ he says. ‘When I’m like that, I mean. I wish I knew it at the time, instead of thinking I’m fine and it’s everyone else who’s crazy.’
‘It doesn’t work like that, though.’
‘I know. That’s what makes it so bloody hard. Anyway, what you been up to?’
It takes me a moment to be able to reply. I can’t remember the last time Terry asked after me. Certainly not since it all kicked off. I decide it’s time.
‘I’ve been a bit busy, actually,’ I say. ‘Only I’ve got some news for you. I had to move out of our old flat. Couldn’t afford rent after I lost my job, see. Only now, what with me having two jobs and that, well, I’ve got us a new place. It’s a proper house. Right nice it is. I’ve got your TV and video player all set up waiting for you.’
I smile at him, bracing myself for his response. It’s a few moments before he says anything.
‘What about my tapes?’
‘I’ve got them as well. All your stuff is there. It’s not far from here. Salterhebble, just behind primary school.’
He nods, seemingly trying to digest what I have told him.
‘So I won’t be going back to our old place?’
‘No, love.’
‘We lived there a long time, didn’t we Kaz?’
‘Yeah, we did. But they say a fresh start is good for people. I think it’ll do us both good to be somewhere else.’
‘When can I see it?’
‘I’ve spoken to Doctor Khalil and he says you can visit in a fortnight. Once I’ve got it all nice for you.’
He nods.
‘I’d like that.’
‘Good,’ I say. ‘We can walk from here. Be nice for you to get a bit of fresh air.’
‘Do you think Matthew will like it?’ he asks.
I hesitate before replying.
‘Yes. I do.’
*
‘Here you are,’ I say, handing Finn the box of plants I have brought, ‘latest offerings from Barry.’
‘Thank you,’ says Finn. ‘It’s very nice of him to help me like this.’
‘He’s a lovely fella.’
‘Do you think he’d like to come to the opening of my garden when it’s finished? I want to invite all the people who have helped me.’
‘I reckon he might do,’ I say.
‘Will you ask him for me?’
‘Yeah,’ I reply, feeling so daft because I know the colour is rising in my cheeks. ‘Yes, I will.’
We go out into the garden.
‘I can’t believe it’s our last week,’ says Finn. ‘We’ve still got so much to do, and I know Alan always says the same thing but then they have the adverts and by the time they go back they seem to have done an awful lot and have loads of people helping.’
‘Well, let’s see how much me and you can get done in three days, eh?’
Finn nods and puts his gardening gloves on.
‘I’ll get on with the planting out and maybe you can finish the rock garden?’
‘That’d be grand,’ I reply.
We go out into the garden. We’ve got into a real routine with it now. It will be strange not coming here next week. I don’t think he’s got any idea how much I’m going to miss him.
‘What will you do next week?’ Finn asks, as if reading my mind.
‘Oh, I’ll be busy getting house nice, I expect.’
‘Will you get another job?’
‘I don’t know. I’m looking. It’s hard to find summat that fits in with hours I’m doing at garden centre, mind.’
‘I wish we didn’t have to stop doing the garden club.’
‘I know. But at least we
got chance to do it.’
‘That’s what Dr Seuss says, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.’
‘That’s a good way to look at it. Who’s Dr Seuss, someone you’ve been seeing?’
Finn gives me a funny look. ‘No, the children’s author. He wrote Cat in the Hat and the Grinch one and Horton Hears a Who! and loads of other stuff.’
‘Right. I’ve obviously missed out on him.’
‘You can get his books from the library. Mum used to read them with funny voices. She did a very good Horton. Horton’s an elephant. He doesn’t fit in either.’
He goes quiet for a bit. I watch him press down the ground firmly around each plant.
‘You’re not looking forward to starting your new school, are you?’
Finn shakes his head. ‘Not one little bit.’
‘Do you know any of the other kids?’
‘No. They had a transition evening, but I didn’t want to go because of, you know.’
I nod. ‘Is that what’s bothering you?’
‘They’ll all know about it.’
‘I doubt it. Their parents might, but not kids. Kids don’t watch news.’
‘I do.’
‘Yeah, but like you say, you’re not like other kids your age, are you?’
‘No. But if they don’t know about it, they’ll be mean to me, because I’ll be the weird kid. And when I got the place, Mum said not to mention the bursary, which must mean they’ll tease me about that if they find out.’
‘So don’t tell them. You don’t need to tell them owt you don’t want to.’
‘I suppose not.’
He goes back to planting out. His eyes fixed intently on the plant, his little fingers, lost inside the gardening gloves, but pressing down hard on the soil. And I wish that I could do that first day of school for him. Or, better still, remove the need for him to go at all. Anything, to help take away his pain.
BEFORE 11
11
Finn
When Mum wakes me up the next morning, I am confused. She only usually wakes me up on school days, but I am pretty sure it is a Saturday.
‘Finn, you need to get up, love.’