“Bumper cars!” said Grace.
Carly came to a stop, which brought all of them to a halt as well. “Ryan, bumper cars are not appropriate for a two-year-old. This isn’t a game, you know. I want Grace to have a good time, but I don’t want her to end up getting injured. You’re like another big kid that I’m now responsible for watching. I don’t need or want any more responsibility.”
Her harsh words were like a bat to his stomach. Why was she so angry? What had he done to cause it? “Carly ...”
“I’m her mother, Ryan. I have final say on what I think is safe for her.”
He stared, mouth open. Well, of course she did. And although he could argue that he was Grace’s father, and should have an equal say, he decided to keep his mouth shut. Because he knew he didn’t deserve that. Not right now. But if his plan worked as he wanted it to, he’d be a full-fledged dad, a constant in Grace’s life, and a parenting partner with Carly.
Anger and fighting had no place here during their family day of fun. He knew that. He rested his hand on her shoulder. “You’re a fantastic mother. I don’t have any experience with two-year-olds. So, I will learn from you. And maybe soon I’ll have some say on what’s good for Grace too, as her father.”
A storm of emotions crossed over her face and he watched them with interest. She was so torn, so battled. He’d done this to her with his return and his proclamation of wanting to become part of their lives. He was causing a huge change for them. But he couldn’t give up now. It would be a positive change. They just had to get through the growing pains.
Tears filled Carly’s eyes and she turned her back to him. She swiped her eyes and got herself under control, and when she turned back, she had on an iron face. A strong façade. This was why she could handle all the challenges life had thrown at her and still emerge a success. This personality trait, this determination that she had to be strong and achieve all her goals. Pride and admiration rose in his heart. Without second-guessing, he closed the distance between them and took her into his arms. She resisted for a few seconds and then she relaxed into his embrace. Her head buried in his chest, his arms surrounding her, pulling her close, his head bent, nose in her hair. It felt so right. It felt so good.
Together, they could do this. This is what God wanted for them, he was sure of it. He just needed to convince Carly. He needed to gain her trust back, and he needed to never forget why she didn’t trust him to begin with.
One step at a time. A hug at the carnival. It was enough, for now.
The world disappeared as they stood motionless. He breathed in the scent of her hair, and he remembered. Her locks had always smelled like coconut. She loved tropical scents in her hair and skin products because she loved the beach and always had. Maybe on their next family outing they could go to the beach. He could dig in the sand with Grace while Carly got some much-deserved laying out time.
Then, like in a movie, the sounds and activity around them queued back in, and Carly pulled away from him, avoiding his eyes. She busied herself picking up Grace’s bag, grabbing Grace’s hand. “So, who’s hungry?” she asked with a forced cheerfulness.
“Yeah, Grace, are you hungry?” he added. “Grandma Melrose packed us a picnic lunch. Do you want to eat it? Afterwards we can go pick another ride.” He winked at Carly. “As long as Mommy thinks the ride is okay.”
She agreed, and they headed off to the picnic tables.
THE OUTING ENDED UP taking way longer than two hours, as Carly had originally dictated. But Grace was having such a good time, and the carnival was such an unexpected treasure, Carly couldn’t bring herself to put an end to it.
Grace had enjoyed the Ferris wheel, squeezed in between her and Ryan on the seat, all holding hands and screaming as it went high and then descended. She rode the children’s roller coaster, really not much more than a train ride with a few dips and hills in the track, with her daddy beside her, his arm around her shoulders. They played some carnival games and Ryan won her three big stuffed animals which she insisted on carrying all by herself back to the car. Now, her yawns and droopy eyes were Carly’s clue that it was time to go home. She was at least two hours past her nap time, and Carly knew that putting her down this late would result in a much later bedtime. But so be it.
Carly placed Grace’s weary body into her car seat and snapped her in. On the way home, Ryan turned in his seat to watch their daughter.
“She sure had a good time today, didn’t she?”
Carly nodded and murmured an “Mmm hmm.”
Ryan went on, “It was such a beautiful day and what a great find, that carnival. I hadn’t even seen anything about it in the paper.”
Carly’s eyebrows darted up. A surge of sarcasm went through her, which she managed to squash before it resulted in hateful words coming out her mouth. The surprise carnival, the ponies, the rides, the games, all contributed to making probably the best day of her young daughter’s life. And he hadn’t even planned it! Ryan was a golden boy, always had been. Everything always went his way. While she struggled and worked hard and barely made progress, everything came easy for him.
Straight A’s in high school, star of the basketball team, every girl’s dream. He led a charmed life. Scholarships to college, acceptance into his first-choice university. He’d never faced adversity.
Not like her. Her parents were blue collar workers. They didn’t have money to send her to a prestigious university. She had to work and save money herself. And of course, she would’ve accepted this reality of her childhood without complaint, because her parents were awesome and provided her with a great upbringing. But then ... another monkey wrench, in the form of an unexpected pregnancy at the age of seventeen. She could just imagine the universe—an old man with a gray beard wearing a robe taking a few bolts of lightning in his hands—throwing them at her and cackling evilly, “Here, take this one! And this one!”
She sighed, and Ryan looked over at her. “You okay?” he asked, and his voice was so sweet and nice it almost brought tears to her eyes.
To be safe, she didn’t respond verbally, in case her voice cracked with emotion. She nodded and tried to paste a smile on her lips. Hoping it didn’t look like a grimace.
“Tired? Maybe you can take a nap this afternoon when Grace does.”
Again, she bit her tongue. Although he had been a very neglectful father up till this point, she knew he was making an effort and she didn’t have the heart to squash the happy mood today by retorting that as a single mom with a toddler, a full-time job, and four college classes, there was no way she had time to take a nap, today, or any other day.
“I can stick around and watch over her if you want to catch a few zzz’s yourself.”
She rolled her eyes while she drove, but otherwise didn’t allow him to witness her reaction. “That’s okay, Ryan. You’ve done enough today.”
He cocked his head and she knew he was holding his tongue as well, trying to keep the peace with her. She knew her comment could be interpreted several ways, so she conjured up her nice side and clarified, “You gave Grace and me a really fun day. A great day that she’ll remember always. Thank you.”
She watched his tension roll out while he relaxed. His All American Boy smile seemed sincere when he said, “It was a great day because of you two, not because of me. But I agree. It was really fun, and I look forward to our next family day too.”
He kept saying he wanted this change to be for good. That he wanted to be a permanent part of Grace’s life, and therefore, of hers. But she’d trained herself for over two years to distrust him, to think the worst of him. Because, what choice had he given her? Just because he showed up now with a sudden desire to be a dad. It didn’t work that way. Grace wasn’t just a project he could pay attention to when the whim hit him. A child was a full-time commitment. One that she had made a priority for over two years, while he was off doing his thing.
But when she’d watched
the two of them together today, it was hard to be mean. Not only was he a natural with Grace, his instincts about her safety (despite the faux pas involving the bumper cars) spot on, she easily recognized the look of pure love and adoration in the eyes of her daughter. Other than two grandpas, Grace had no men in her life. Ryan was a novelty, and she sure was soaking it up today. The way she looked at him, her eyes glazing over with adoration. The way she held on to his hair as she rode on his shoulders. The way she reached effortlessly for his hand whenever she was told to hold on while they walked.
Grace had it bad for her daddy.
Which, Carly couldn’t help thinking, was bad for Grace. And for Carly.
She pulled into her apartment parking lot, the entire ride silent between her and Ryan while Grace slept in the back and Carly’s mind whirred and whirred with implications. She parked, and Ryan popped out, circled around and pulled Grace gently out of the car.
“Careful ...” Carly whispered, but he nodded. He knew. Keep her sleeping and he could transport Grace right to her crib when they got in.
She grabbed the diaper bag and the picnic basket, and walked silently into the apartment. Ryan went into Grace’s room and Carly watched him as he leaned over the rail of the crib and placed her gently on the mattress. Grace stretched and curled onto her side, stuck her thumb in her mouth, and kept sleeping.
“Score!” Ryan whispered with a grin. Carly couldn’t help a chuckle. Yes, another win for Ryan. Shock, shock.
They went into the living room and Carly handed him the picnic basket. “Thank your mom for me for the lunch. That was very sweet of her.”
Ryan brushed her thanks off with a shrug. “So, do you need anything from me? Any help? Want me to stay while you nap, or do you have any errands to run?”
His generosity overwhelmed her, and she shook her head. “No, we’re fine. I have some homework to do so I’ll try to get some of that done while she naps.”
He paused, his eyes searching hers. He carried the basket to the door, then turned. She nearly bumped into him since she was seeing him out. She gasped lightly, and suddenly, his hand was on her cheek. A shudder traveled down her spine. His touch had always done that to her. Now was no different, even though two years had separated them from when they were in love.
“Carly, I know I hurt you. I was such an idiot, a total jerk. I’m sorry for how my selfishness hurt you. But I want to change. I want to do better. For Grace and for you.”
She closed her eyes because she couldn’t stand this close to him and absorb all the feelings he was causing in her. His touch on her face. His scent in her nostrils. His body next to her. She couldn’t take the sight of his handsome face in her vision, on top of everything else. She’d fallen for him, first and foremost, because of his good looks. As she got to know him, she realized his good nature, his optimism and friendliness were lovable too.
“Will you give me a chance? I’m not asking you to be sure right now. I don’t deserve that. But will you please just give me a chance to prove to you how sure I am about this?”
His voice, spoken in an intimate murmur, could talk her into anything. Obviously. Against all her good judgement and intentions, she’d lost her virginity to him as a teenager and paid the ultimate price for her decision by producing a child and being responsible for another human life. But even now, his voice had that same control over her.
She wanted to say yes. But was it the right thing to do? Was it right for Grace? Especially if he didn’t end up sticking around? Grace’s heart would be broken if she became close to him, relied on his presence, only for him to disappear again.
Not to mention, her own heart would be in jeopardy. Two years’ time and space from him and she still thought about him regularly. Memories of their love. Visions of what life could be like if they’d never broken up. It would be so easy to fall again. Fall into those arms, those eyes, those words.
So, the best she could offer him right now was, “I’ll think about it, Ryan. I’ll really think about what’s best for all of us. I can’t answer you right now.”
Disappointment flickered over his face, before he quickly restored it. “That’s all I ask of you. Thank you, Carly. I’ll be in touch about next time.”
In the split second before he turned and left, she wondered if he was going to kiss her. He paused, gazed at her upturned lips, and then thinking better of it, he walked away.
RYAN LOADED INTO HIS car at six am, a travel mug of coffee in his cup holder, and set out on the familiar trek to UNC – Chapel Hill. He’d made the 200-mile drive many times over the last two years. The start of a new semester, the return home for a family vacation or holiday. He’d worked hard there; he’d done well there.
But this conversation would probably be the most difficult of all his interactions at college. He had to make some changes in his life, and this was a big part of it.
Because of his Grade Point Average coming out of high school, and his college prep test scores, he was highly sought after when he was selecting a college. UNC had been one of the top contenders, coming to the table with competitive scholarship offers, which, stacked one upon the other, made the school a much more affordable place to earn his education.
He watched the sun rise as he drove north, his mind occupied by the challenge in front of him. By the time he arrived for his 9 am appointment, the day was bright and sunny and warm. He found street parking near Jackson Hall, the Undergraduate Administration building and pulled in. He took a moment to glance into the rear-view mirror, run a hand through his hair to straighten unruly locks. He tugged on his tie. Wearing a full suit wasn’t normally advisable in late August, but it may give him an air of maturity that he knew he’d need for this meeting.
He strolled up the cement stairway that led from the sidewalk to the older brick building, steeped in history, not only for the university but for the country as well. Everywhere he looked around this esteemed school, he knew the fabled stories behind its construction, or how it was used to support the country in various wars or historic events. UNC taught their students well, created a school pride that stayed strong throughout adult life.
He gave his name to the receptionist and sat only a moment when she announced that Mrs. Parker was ready to see him. She led him to the counselor’s office. He held out a hand in greeting and lowered himself into the wooden chair in front of her desk.
“Mr. Melrose,” she started formally, “I must say I’m curious as to the nature of our meeting today. You’ve already chosen and locked in your fall semester schedule, and school doesn’t actually start for another ten days. How can I help you?”
“Yes, thanks for seeing me. I’ve reached a decision about my attendance at UNC and I have a couple of questions for you.”
She nodded inquiringly.
“If I were to transfer to another university now, how much of my completed coursework would transfer?”
She frowned, her lips poking out. “Transfer? You’re thinking of transferring? Why?”
He cleared his throat and tried to stop himself from squirming in his seat. “Personal reasons.”
She stared at him, as if willing him to tell her more. He held his tongue. “Well,” she said eventually, as though she knew he’d won the battle, “it depends on where you’re transferring to. Is it a state university in North Carolina?”
“No.”
She took in a slow breath like she was trying to control a sudden rise in blood pressure.
“Why don’t we look generically at my courses since my transfer plans aren’t finalized yet?”
She shook her head and pulled up his transcript on her computer, moving the monitor so he could see. “As you can see, you have successfully completed all the courses in the Accounting major expected of a sophomore. You’ve done extremely well, too, with a cumulative grade point of 3.85 out of 4.0. I assume you’re going to continue an Accounting major?”
“Yes
.”
“Well, I’m not knowledgeable of other universities’ Accounting major requirements, but I can assure you that UNC curriculums are high quality, well thought out and contain no fluff courses whatsoever.” She folded her hands on her desk. “What I’m trying to say, Mr. Melrose, is that I can’t imagine there will be any problem transferring what you’ve done here. But until I know where you’re going, it’s inadvisable to surmise.”
Despite the seriousness of the situation, Ryan held back an amused snort. Did people really talk like that?
Maybe his expression revealed his thoughts because Mrs. Parker sat back in her seat and said, “Be real with me, Ryan. What’s going on? Why would you give up all your scholarships and leave UNC when you’re doing so well here? Do you realize that an Accounting degree from this school is a valuable commodity in your job search? We offer advanced Accounting degrees here too. You could just stay and continue on.” She sniffed and for the first time he got the very real impression that she cared about him and his future. She wasn’t objecting because he was a number and she didn’t want her numbers to go down. She didn’t want him to make a mistake that would impact his future.
“I’ll be honest with you. I love UNC. A big part of me doesn’t want to leave. But I’ve got responsibilities at home. I have a child, Mrs. Parker, and the mother of that child is working double time as a single mom. I can do more. I need to do more. I want to be a father to my daughter. And I can’t do that from 200 miles away.”
Her eyes softened as he spoke. “Well, in that case, you’re doing the right thing, Ryan. I admire you for setting your priorities.”
“Don’t admire me too much, Mrs. Parker. Grace is two years old and I’ve been pretty much an absentee parent her whole life.”
“It’s not too late.”
He met her eyes. “I hope you’re right.”
She pulled a business card out of a little display on her desk and handed it to him. “I can help you with this. Once you have your transfer plans finalized, give me a call. I will personally transfer your credits and if it’s looking like the school is rejecting some, I’ll discuss it with them on your behalf.”
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