Why was she listening to advice from happily married people? Of course, they believed that love concurred all obstacles. Not because you deserved or worked for it. They assumed, because it was love, there was no choice but for everything to work out. It was a fantasy. A dream world she desperately wished to enter. One where she danced with unicorns under a sparkling rainbow.
“I’m not so sure.”
“You’ll never know until you try.” Maggie chimed in.
‘I’ve tried looking for her at the firehouse, with little luck. She wouldn’t agree to speak after school. I don’t know what else to do. I guarantee she won’t answer if I call.” Taking a breath as she tried to calm her mind. “I’m going to have to find out where she lives and make her talk to me.” She prayed, since her friends had all found their happily ever after, they knew the secret.
“That’s the spirit,” Brittany encouraged.
“Actually, I think I can help.”
It was finally here; the long-awaited letter had arrived about a week ago. Peoria informed her that she had passed the written, psychological, and physical examinations. The conditional offer of employment was in her hand. Everything should be looking up. Her dreams were finally becoming a reality. Everything that she had work for was hers for the taking. She should be out celebrating with Mike. Yet, none of it mattered without Sam in her corner. Someone to celebrate her victory with.
She was enrolled in Academy, due to start next month. Yet, she lacked motivation. That get up and go attitude that always came naturally. Finding herself responding to less and less calls. Most of the time, she couldn’t make herself get out of bed. She wasn’t working out or mentally preparing. Not getting her finances in order or searching for a new apartment. Instead, there she sat, brooding in her darkened apartment. Wishing she had never met Sam. That her heart would cease to beat. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt, so bad, if she could rip the offending object from her chest.
Who would have thought that Maggie would have Jak’s address? Well not the actual numeric, but she wrote down directions on a sheet of paper. Sam drove to Saint Patrick’s Church and made a left. Then the first right onto East Adams. The paper said she lived at the very end of the street, but the directions ended there. Maggie didn’t know the apartment number.
What she found was two small one story brown buildings on a dead-end road. She would have turned around. Assumed she was in the wrong place, but there sat Jak’s truck parked at the end of the building.
Exiting her car, after pulling beside Jak’s. She stared at the line of doors, not knowing which one to pick. There was no list of tenants like her building. The mailboxes had the unit number, not names. How do I know which door? Feeling silly as she pondered using eeny meeny miny moe. She had hoped there would be some clue: decorations, assigned parking, something. It didn’t matter, she would knock on them all if it meant finding Jak.
Starting at the back building, she knocked on the first door. Swallowing down the pride that told her to turn around, to run before she embarrassed herself in front of all Jak’s neighbors. An elderly man wearing nothing but his boxers, slippers and an open robe answered the door.
“I’m sorry,” surprised that the male would appear in near undress, “wrong door.” She was mortified for him but he just waved her off, evidently not embarrassed in the least.
“Who are you looking for honey? Maybe I can help. I know all my neighbors.”
“I’m looking for a Jaklyn,” she said trying out the name.
“Jaky lives across the way. Third door from the left,” he said indicating with his chin.
“Thank you.”
Sam stopped halfway, standing in the shade on a grassy median. You can do this. Just lock your mother in that box, in a strait jacket for good measure, with a gag. She took a breath and stepped off the curb. Take one step at a time. Lifting her hand, she gently knocked. The sound of the latch moving could be heard through the barrier.
Jak must have looked through the peephole because she had her “I’m pissed at you” frown already in place before the door swung open.
“What are you doing here?” The gruff greeting exactly what she had anticipated and earned.
“I told you, I want to talk.”
“How do you know where I live?” What did that matter? Jak had been to her place many times.
“A friend pointed me in the right direction.” She omitted the neighbor. No need to get him in trouble, he was just trying to help. Probably assumed Jak would want a visit from a beautiful woman. Stop it. Stop stroking your ego! It was one of the many habits she was trying to break. The constant reassurance of her physical value. You are more than just a pair of tits. Isn’t that what she was here to prove?
“Ok, you found me. Now what?”
“Can I come in?”
Sam waited for the door to slam in her face. For Jak to refuse to hear her out, as she had earlier in the day.
Astonishingly, she backed away, heading to the recliner furthest from the door. Leaving Sam to either stand or sit in the neighboring chair that faced the T.V.
“It’s not Twin Towers, but it has a roof.”
Great, she thinks I’m a snob too. Is this even worth the effort when she, presumably, thinks so little of me? Yes! Even if all it amounted to was proof to herself that she was real.
“What’s up?” Jak gazed at her expectantly.
“We didn’t get to finish talking earlier.”
“I did.” Ouch.
“I deserve that. I’m sorry, for so many things. For not wanting to go out with you. For treating you as if you were a bed warmer.”
“Yea I get it. You treated me badly. I know. I lived it.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you Jak. I kept my distance from you to make sure I didn’t get hurt.”
“Well good for you. Glad YOU didn’t get hurt. Is that all? You wanted to apologize. You’re forgiven. Now will you leave me alone?”
She almost walked out the door. It was the safest choice, but Sam had promised herself she would try. That she wouldn’t runaway anymore. There was more she need to get off her chest and she wasn’t leaving without saying it. She had to do everything she could to make this work, hopefully it wasn’t too late. You can do this, Maggie’s voice echoed in her mind. A nice change from the constant disapproval.
“I grew up in Angus, TX. It is a small town about an hour outside of Dallas. I went to school at Texas College on a scholarship. I worked my butt off to have a way out. My mother did not want me to go to school, because she thought it a waste of time. I am an only child. I grew up in a trailer park so, no, your apartment does not bother me. It’s more than I had growing up. It was never that I didn’t want to go out with you. That I was embarrassed of you. I was scared of letting you see me. Of you rejecting me because you couldn’t stand who I was, am.”
You should stop. This was turning into a rant, but she had to get it all out there. Make sure Jak knew she was going to do everything she could to fight her nature. To give this a real shot. To allow a glimpse into her shrouded soul.
“I’m still scared, terrified. But if you give me a chance, I would like to attempt to move past this. To find a way of letting you in.”
Sam stopped talking. She hadn’t known what to say and hoped that Jak still wanted to know these things about her.
“I promise to go anywhere you want, public or not. To answer every question open and honestly. To hold your hand in front of my coworkers. I want a girlfriend, a partner to share my journeys and I want it to be you. Jak, I want you in my life.”
Jak sat there, staring at her. She didn’t say a word or move a fraction of an inch. Sam couldn’t tell if she was bemused by the stream of information that had burst forth from Sam or just didn’t care anymore. How long should I wait? Is she going to speak? Please say something.
As the minutes ticked by, Sam lost the tiny shred of optimism she had been clinging to. Her throat was too tight to say the only thing left, Goodbye. As she turned to
leave, Jak burst from the couch. Clutched at her arms, swinging her around, and kissed her.
“Is that a yes?”
XVIII
He observed Samantha pull out of the school. Why did she make a right? Where is she going? He followed closely behind, keeping the small buggy in his sights. It wasn’t exactly a challenge to follow a neon green car. Watching as Samantha drove to the front of the school. Following all the way to Jak’s apartment. How? Why? I don’t understand. He had tailed her all week. There had been no sign of trouble. There was nothing there, he was sure of it.
After speaking to Jak about the incident at the school. He knew all about Samantha waiting by the engine. Listening to Jak slander her good name. Nerves twitching as he heard that Samantha told Jak she wanted another chance. It must be another lie. His angel would never beg for that scoundrel. Finding himself wondering why Jak had turned her down? Something didn’t feel right? Who cares as long as they are apart?
Jak had been too distraught to go into detail. Not wanting to do anything but crawl into a black hole. He needed more to go on. Particulars to sort out the reality from her imaginary Jak world. He kept a smile on his face and asked about dumb things, like the weather. Trying to get her chatting. Even though it didn’t work, he loved the look on her face. Like Samantha had punched her in the gut.
Now Samantha was here. Maybe she didn’t take rejection well, funny since she rejected so many guys. No, not his angel, he thought. Shaking off the blasphemy. Perhaps she came to tell Jak off or settle this once and for all. Either way, he would wait to make sure she was safe from Jak’s clutches.
Hours passed, but there was no sign of Samantha. He thought of calling the police, using claims that there was a domestic going on. He had heard screams from within the apartment. Shaking his head to clear the foolhardy plan. No, that would never work in this town. They would show up, see it was Jak and leave. Think. Think! He could ignite a building, but she was not likely to show anymore. Jak thought she was too good to be a volunteer. God, what do I do? What was there left to do?
* * *
“What are you thinking?” Sam asked as she lay, resting in Jak’s arms.
“That this is not how I thought my night would end. I was sure I would never see you again.”
“What were you going to do tonight?”
“Drink, watch TV, sulk… You know, the usual.”
“Well I’m glad you could find time for me in that busy schedule.”
Sam was waiting for the other shoe to drop. To wake from a dream. Could she really be here? Delighting in every kiss. Every sweet breath to pass from Jak’s lips. Knowing any second she would awake, in her apartment, alone.
“I hate to ruin the moment, but I would like to ask you some questions. You know, that whole getting to know you thing.”
Sam pretended to be offended, “Oh, so now naked in bed is good enough? I thought you had to be in a crowded restaurant for that.”
“Ha ha,” came the dry response.
“Fine. What do you want to know?”
“Why did you leave Texas?”
“I hated it there. Everyone felt they had a say in who I became. Who I dated. If I worked. Even miniscule details, like if I cut my hair. I would go to the salon and they would tell me no. It isn’t time for a trim. No, you can’t change your cut or color. It didn’t matter that I was from a trailer park, I was beautiful. It came with standards. Most of all my Mother’s. She told me, everyday; how to act, what to wear and who was worth talking to. She always called them Rules to Live By. I guess I still do too.”
Oddly, it was a relief to tell someone. Cathartic. A purifying wave washed over her, wiping away the pain.
“Was your mother just like you? Did the rules make her someone you admired?”
“No. They only ever apply to me. I guess she wanted me to be…who she never could. That unattainable image of herself that she never achieved.” Funny how that tidbit had eluded her until now.
“Do you still follow these rules?”
“Mostly. I guess you could say her voice is always with me. Guiding my hand. Telling me what to do, how to act.”
“Why do you need to be who she wanted? Couldn’t you make your own rules? Just because it was what she had planned for you, doesn’t mean you have to follow the road outlined.”
“I know, but it is so far ingrained into who I am…I’m not sure I even know the real me. Honestly, I’m not really sure there is a me for you to get to know. I’ve let the rules run my life. Define who I am.”
Jak ran her hand along the rosy cheek. How could a person so beautiful be so insecure? When Sam returned the gaze, there was an indisputably terrified look in her eyes. As if she was surprised that Jak would care at all. Did she expect me to run for the hills? She thought her upbringing would sway my affections? How did she not see? She was strong enough to escape. To build a future no one else imagined for her.
“You might be able to hide from everyone else, but I know you. The woman who likes to ride bulls. That drinks whiskey. Who wears sweats when no one is around? A person that is worried to death that someone will see through the façade. Through the flirting, class and body.”
“Got it all huh? Have you considered that you might be missing a few key details? Glaring flaws in my character. How do you know I’m worth getting to know?”
“You’re right. I don’t know how you feel about your mother, the woman everyone believes you to be or your true self. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am telling you that everything, good or bad, just makes me want more.”
That was it, she was definitely dreaming. It wasn’t possible that Jak was a real person. Was she in a coma, living out an alternate reality? Had she volunteered for a sleep study, an experiment to make the imagination come to life? All the choices she had made had somehow led her to this place. A moment of truth. With a woman that was too good to be true. Don’t blow it! Don’t you dare let that woman get away! Give her anything she asks for, even if it means facing your past. Reliving every horrible event that has come to pass. Even if that means seeing your mother again.
“Will you tell me some of the rules?”
“You don’t want to know that.”
“Yes. I do.”
She heard the breath expelled. As if everything Sam had been holding in was finally being released. Perhaps talking about it will help her to break the hold her mother has on her all these years.
“A real woman does not slouch. Doesn’t drink to excess. Doesn’t make a scene. Doesn’t think or feel. Doesn’t speak unless spoken to. No man would ever want any woman with an opinion or a personality. I was told I was ugly and I needed to be fixed. Every day was a new lesson on what any respectable woman would do. According to my mother I should have been married to a wealthy man about ten years ago, before the wrinkles set in. If she saw me now. A college educated, gay, single old maid that teaches at a high school, she would tell me how much of a disappointment I turned out to be. A waste of space.”
Where to start? The thinking was so backwards. Who would say such things to their child?
There would be no tears. No remorse. She would not give her mother that much power over her, not anymore.
“When was the last time you saw her?”
“Before I left for college.”
“You’ve never been back?”
“Would you?” She didn’t mean to challenge Jak’s questions, but she did not want to really think them over either. To ponder what would be the first criticism when she arrived. Every piece of her dissected under a microscope. When she envisioned coming out, she swore there was a frying pan that whizzed past her head. Screaming echoed in her mind. Calling her names, words that she had never uttered in her life. She was a disappointment. A defective toy. Irrevocably Broken.
It was how she felt, every horrible thought. Every word her mother had said about “those women”. The educated women. They weren’t single by choice. It was because no man wanted an outspoken li
beral wife. The gays that were just too ugly or mannish, so they turned to each other. The poor that would never amount to anything. GET OUT!!!!
“Point taken. I have so much to say but…”
She steeled herself for the onslaught. For another person to tear her down. To see the ugly woman that lived within her.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to.”
She got out of bed and started dress. She refused to stick around to hear all the mistakes she made over the years. No one needed to say it. This was why she never tried to let anyone in. The truth was and always will be, she was meant to be alone. Who could possibly love the ogre that lived within?
“Where are you going?” Jak asked, sounding confused.
“I thought…Well…” Don’t let her see you cry. Just hold it in until you can get to the car.
“You thought what?” Jak jumped out of bed and wrapped Sam in her arms before she could leave. Before she could retreat to her safe haven, a place free of judgement. “Please come back. I don’t know what you think I was going to say, but you are most definitely wrong.”
Sam didn’t move, she couldn’t. Fear had her in its clutches. What was Jak lying to cover up? Was she disgusted by a woman that would throw her family away? That would look down on all that lie below her apartment. As if she lived so high up because she was better. She wasn’t, she knew that better than anyone. The isolation suited her, she deserved to live out her days watching life pass her by.
Wishing, more than anything, that Jak didn’t pity her.
“You’re right, there was something you said that bothered me.” She tried to pull away. To run from this place. To hide once again, protecting herself from the ridicule. “Stop. It isn’t you. It’s this ridiculous image of yourself. I wish I could’ve slapped some sense into your mother.”
Jak searched her mind for what she was trying to say. For the words that had bothered her to begin with.
“A college educated, gay, single old maid…that’s what it was. I’m going to have to break that down because as a whole, there is just too much wrong with it. Since when is educated a bad thing? So what if you’re gay, I personally think it’s wonderful. Works out for me. In what world are you old? You are stunningly gorgeous. Even when you are old and gray, which you are not, you will be more beautiful than any twenty-year-old. I am baffled by the amazing woman you’ve become in spite of the obstacles and people that tried to pull you down.”
Volunteering Your Heart Page 11