by Aileen Erin
“I… Yeah. I did.” I wasn’t sure how that related to my question.
“You’re Aunare. That click as you call it, that’s an Aunare thing. I told you before that each person has a frequency at which they resonate, although frequency isn’t a good translation and really doesn’t do it justice. It’s too simplified, but we’ll call it that for now. You and Roan resonate on what I’ll call harmonizing frequencies. He balances you.”
I nodded. That tracked. “Yes. He does.”
“I want to be jealous, but then we have a different kind of connection, and you already told me you don’t have feelings for him, and he’s told me the same is true for him.”
It never failed. Everyone always questioned it, but Roan and I were on the same page. “No. That’s not something either of us has ever wanted. He’s like a best friend and brother in one. He’s more than family.”
“I know. It’s like Declan and me. We were eight when we met and were instantly family. I trusted him implicitly, even though I had no reason to befriend a Murtagh.” He frowned for a second. “Or I guess that’s how we were.”
“Please, don’t stay mad at him for—”
“Don’t worry. We’ll work it out or we won’t.” He shrugged. “Friends sometimes come and go.”
It didn’t have to be that way.
“Roan’s going to be mad he missed you waking up,” Lorne said, changing the subject. “He and Ahiga have been working with some of my guards. Apparently, he thinks our faksano is totally frosty.”
A surprised laugh slipped free. I wasn’t sure what a faksano was, but him using our slang was awkward. “Don’t. That sounds so wrong coming from you.”
Lorne grinned, and I was shocked by how it transformed his face. The calm, serious mask melted away and what was left was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. His blue-green eyes glittered, and I knew I could sit there forever and stare into them.
“Frosty sounds wrong?”
I nodded my head. The grin on my face felt foreign but good. “It just does.”
Lorne started to say something, but the door swooshed open, and Roan raced through, tackling me to the bed.
“You had me so fucking scared.” He pulled away for a second. His hair was extra poofy, and he was sweaty, but I didn’t care. Not even a little bit. My best friend was here. The one who knew me better than anyone. I didn’t think I’d ever see him again, and here he was.
I squeezed him tighter as my eyes burned.
“You’re okay?” Roan asked quietly in my ear.
“No. I’m not.” My voice broke as I stifled a sob.
“You will be,” he said softly. “You’ve got me here, and one hell of a frosty house. Did you know that you’re freakin’ loaded?”
I rested my head against Roan’s shoulder and laughed. I couldn’t help myself. “No, but I can’t wait for you to tell me about it.”
“Dude. This house is so beyond frosty that we need a new word for it.” He pulled back to sit next to me. “You gotta check it out. And I can’t wait for you to see…”
I tilted my head in time to see Lorne slipping out of the room. He glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Thank you,” I mouthed to him.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and gave me a small nod. “My pleasure.” The words were little more than a whisper. I shouldn’t have been able to hear them over Roan’s chattering, but I did.
As the door closed behind Lorne, I wondered how that man could understand me so well, yet I felt so lost around him.
Chapter Forty-Six
A little while later, Roan left me to shower. He stank, and I wanted a shower, too. I’d been in new clothes when I’d woken up, but according to Lorne, it’d taken days in the healing beds for me to fully recover. I wasn’t sure who had changed me and put me in these clothes, but it didn’t really matter. Not anymore.
I was going to have to find a way to keep going. Lorne said I’d been asleep for a week, but I felt like I could sleep for another month straight. I knew that not all of my exhaustion could be blamed on my physical state, although I realized as I showered that I was thinner than I’d ever been before and that was saying something. There were a few times when we’d been on the run that food had been pretty scarce. I could easily count my ribs and when I spotted my back in the mirror while undressing, I could see the little knobs on my spine.
I knew I hadn’t been eating great while on Abaddon, especially since I’d been burning through so many calories on the surface and during my nano treatments, but I didn’t realize it’d gotten this bad.
Lorne was right. I was going to need to work to get my body back to speed. The exercise would help me get my mood balanced, too, but as I rinsed the soap from my body, I realized that I needed something to fight for. Something to do. Because the lost feeling that was threatening to drown me wasn’t going to go away easily.
After a while, I stopped hoping that the shower would somehow fix everything and shut off the stream of hot water. I wrapped myself in a soft, green towel and went in search of clothes.
I couldn’t find any closet or dresser in the bedroom, so I walked back to the bathroom. I’d assumed the door in it was a linen closet, but when I opened it, I found a walk-in closet filled to the brim with clothes.
I almost stepped out, not wanting to use clothes that weren’t mine, but I had to wear something. I couldn’t hide in my room wrapped in a towel forever, no matter how appealing that was. I had to start living again. I just didn’t know what that meant, but I’d figure it out somehow.
I stepped deeper into the closet and noticed they were all women’s clothes. All my size. All in the Aunare style of long flowing dresses or loose pants and endless styles of sleeveless or tank tops. After a bit of searching, I found a pair of fitted pants that had more give than I’d expected and a black top. I didn’t realize that there was a large cut-out in the back before I put it on. It was more revealing than I’d like, but the cut felt elegant and the material had to be something like silk. It was so soft against my skin.
I was pulling my hair into a ponytail when there was a beep from my door. “Hello?” I yelled as I stepped out of the bathroom.
The door swished open, and Rysden di Aetes entered.
My father.
My skin started giving off a low glow. My nerves were literally showing on the outside, and I hated that. I did the breaths that Declan had taught me, and the glow went down a bit, but I couldn’t fully quench it.
Rysden came to stand in front of me with a smile on his face. It was a nice, warm smile on the surface, but it set me on edge. He wanted something. I knew it. Otherwise, my mother would’ve been here.
Rysden’s blond hair hung to his shoulders. His eyes were blue, like a bright summer day. He was taller than I imagined—and bigger—but I should’ve known that the head of the Aunare military and chief advisor to the king would be intimidating.
“It’s nice to see you awake,” he said after a moment.
I nodded, unable to find any words for him. I stepped deeper into the bedroom and sat on the bed.
“I don’t want to push you, but that’s—unfortunately—the road ahead for us.” He sighed.
My heart ached at the sound of it. I’d given up hope that I’d ever be reunited with my father so long ago, but when I was a girl, I used to dream about this. Of him coming to save my mom and me. And yet, now that I was here with him on Sel’Ani, I wasn’t sure what to say or how to feel about him. All I knew was that I didn’t know this man in front of me. He hadn’t gone through what mom and I had, and it felt too late for us to try to have a relationship. I was past the point of needing him.
But maybe that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t my father’s fault. He didn’t want to leave us. So I kept quiet before I could say anything that couldn’t be unsaid.
“A lot of Aunare are asking questions, not all of them nice ones. I want you to be prepared. Who and what you are put you at risk, and before you set foot out of this house—
out of this room—I need you to understand what you’re up against. If we could make a statement together today, that would be best. The longer we wait, the more distrust will brew.”
I swallowed down my nerves. At least my father was being honest with me, but making a statement? No. That wasn’t who I was. I hid. I lied. I fought. That was it. I didn’t want to be in the spotlight. I wasn’t up for that.
If my mom were here, she’d be so pissed off. That’s why he was here alone. And this—this—was exactly why I’d been upset when I woke up. In that moment, I craved the peace that I’d felt so briefly in that safe, warm place before I woke up.
I didn’t know what to say to him, but this time I couldn’t lie. Not anymore. “I need time. Please.”
His brows creased, and I knew I was disappointing him, but that didn’t change anything.
He blew out a breath. “Your mother said the same, and we can wait a day. Two at most.”
Was he insane? Time didn’t mean a day. I’d just woken up. I jumped up off the bed to tell him as much, but he held up a hand to stop me.
“The statement can be short. I have an advisor for you. He will help you through this.”
“I don’t want his help.” I backed away from him. “I want to be left alone.”
He sat down on the edge of the bed—where I’d just been sitting—and looked up at me. In that one look, I realized my father might be as lost in this conversation as I was, but he was doing the practical thing—preparing me for life—when I wanted something else. Anything else.
“We need to bring your memories back or you will need to quickly learn what it is to be Aunare.”
I backed up another step, hitting the wall, and he stood from the bed.
“I have tutors ready, but… You don’t remember me at all do you?”
“No.” I wished I had another answer for him, but I didn’t.
His face crumpled and he ran a hand down it. “I knew it was too much to hope when your mother said, but… This is bad timing. All of this. It’s gone so much worse than I’d ever dreamed, and we’re at war now, and I don’t have time to ease you into this.”
He shook his head and stood up like he was shoving all his emotions back down inside of himself. I’d seen Lorne do the same thing, and I wondered if my father had taught him that or if it was an Aunare thing.
Either way, the devastation was gone, and in front of me stood a leader.
“You have a place to take. I know what I’m asking of you, and I’m not expecting this to be easy between you and me because of it, but—”
“No.” If there were a door that I could slam in his face, I would’ve. “No. I’m not taking any place. I’m—”
“Please, Amihanna. I—”
The anger was back, and my skin started to glow. “No. You don’t get it. I don’t even know who Amihanna is. Whoever you think I am or whatever place you think I’m going to take, I’m not. I just clawed my way out of that hellhole, and you’re coming at me now to tell me that I’m in danger and hated here and—” I cut myself off before I could say anything else. I didn’t know him, and clearly, my father didn’t know me. At all.
“I understand.” He held out his hands to me, pleading with me to listen to him, but I wasn’t sure I could. Not now. “I do. I really, truly do understand. And if we weren’t going to war or if you were anyone else, I would give you more time, but you have to understand that you are the long-lost heir to the di Aetes line, and the betrothed of—”
“No.” I felt like I was falling. He couldn’t have just said what I thought he said. “Betrothed? I can’t. No.” My words were fierce whispers as the horror of what he said hit me. I couldn’t marry some random person.
My father gave me a sad smile. “Don’t you even want to know who you’re betrothed to?”
I moved to the chair beside the bed before my legs could give out. “No. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter who—” Oh shit. The look on my father’s face. The smile. It was someone I knew already. Someone…
My heart raced, and I knew. I knew who it was. I knew deep inside of me who I was tied to. “Lorne,” I whispered.
“You remember?” My father sounded hopeful.
“No.” But Lorne said he’d been waiting for me. He couldn’t mean… “No. I didn’t remember anything. When did this happen and why wasn’t I told?”
This was a nightmare. I couldn’t be forced into marriage with anyone, even if it was Lorne. He was…beautiful and strong and he made me feel too much and he was the crown prince.
Someone like him could swallow me whole, and I couldn’t be with him when I was still so lost. I didn’t know what it was to be Amihanna anymore, and to have all that added pressure of being…
Horror crashed over me.
I couldn’t be the crown princess. The Aunare would never accept a halfer as a ruler. I’d be hunted for the rest of my life. I’d never be safe again, and I’d already done all the pretending I could handle. I didn’t have anything left to give.
“It happened a long time ago, when—”
“A long time ago?” Was he insane? I pressed my fist into my stomach to quiet the fluttering inside. “I was six when I saw you the last time. How could you tie me to someone at that age? How could you ask—?”
“I’m doing this poorly.” He took a breath. “This is not my first choice of a conversation with my daughter. I want to hold you, but I sense you don’t want that. Not from me. I want to tell you about how I’ve missed you. How I’ve worried and prayed for you. That the Lady would hold you in her light. That the di Aetes line would be strong.”
His eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “And the Gods take it all, you are everything I dreamed and imagined. And so beautiful. You’ve got your mother’s eyes and her kindness. Teaching those kids on Earth. That’s her I see in you.” He let out a breath. “But I have to warn you of the weight that’s coming. You’re not some everyday waitress here, and outside of this door, people are waiting and pushing and crowding to see who you really are. To test what mettle you’re made of. I won’t see you fail. I won’t see you harmed again. So I have to prepare you. That is my job as your father, even if you hate me for it.”
“I… I don’t know how to be the Amihanna di Aetes that you want me to be, and I don’t know if I want to be her. The only thing I ever wanted was to live my own life. To be free. And now I’ve woken up to a whole new nightmare.”
His face paled. “You are free.”
“Not if I’m betrothed to a stranger!” I tried to calm down, I really did. I stood up and paced around the room. “Not if I’m supposed to be someone I’m not. I can’t be his wife. I can’t be a princess.”
“The future queen.”
I hissed as I spun to face him. “That’s even worse! I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t have any pretending left in me. The last of it burned away on Abaddon.”
He held his fist to his heart and stepped toward me again. “I know you. You are my daughter in every way. You might not realize it right now, but you are Amihanna di Aetes. You were born to rule. The Aunare will burn bright in you, but you’re going to need to learn—”
No. He wasn’t listening. He wasn’t—
I tried to breathe through the panic, but it was building in me. Too strong. Too swiftly. The walls were caving in, and I couldn’t dig myself out fast enough. So I ran.
I ran out the door. I didn’t know where I was heading and I didn’t care. All I knew was that I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t talk to my father for one second longer.
Chapter Forty-Seven
My father hadn’t been lying. There were people literally waiting outside my bedroom door. Not a lot, but a few men that had to be soldiers. A woman in a beautiful flowing dress, looking down her nose at me.
They were quiet for a second and then they all started talking at once. In Aunare.
My father came from my room and stood behind me.
I spotted an opening down the hallway, and I started running. My
muscles screamed at being pushed, and I wobbled a little, but I forced myself to keep going. I had to get out of here. Faster and faster. One foot in front of the other, with a hand to the wall occasionally to keep me from falling over. I was getting away from here.
I wouldn’t be trapped in another life I didn’t want.
I didn’t really see my surroundings. I wasn’t looking at my father’s house. I was looking for a door. A way out.
And then I saw it. Windows. A door with windows. I ran outside and stumbled to a stop. I pressed my hands into my thighs as I hunched over, gasping for enough air to fill my lungs. I’d never been this out of shape, but I’d get my body back. Some food and exercise. I could fix it. I had to fix it.
I placed my hands on top of my head as I straightened, finally taking in my surroundings.
The grounds were amazing. Flowers bloomed. The scents blended together to create the most delicate perfume. The sky held two suns and planets that were so large, triple the size of a harvest moon on Earth.
I turned, staring at the building behind me. The stone melded perfectly with the surroundings. Sounds of animals—birds, something that sounded like monkeys maybe, I wasn’t sure—but it was all so much. So rich. So lush. So different than anything that I’d ever seen before.
No cement. No smog in the air. No crush of people and speeders and pods. Just a house and nature.
There was a stone path in front of the doorway, so I took that as quickly as my aching muscles would move. I wasn’t sure if Rysden or anyone else was following me, so I had to keep moving. I didn’t want to finish that conversation. Not right now.
When I stepped on the path, I realized I wasn’t wearing shoes.
Too late to turn back now.
Plus, I couldn’t find my way back to that room even if I wanted to, but I didn’t want to go back.
I followed the path, not really caring where it led. I just wanted to get away. To have a moment by myself. The stones zigzagged through the gardens to a fountain surrounded by benches.