by J A Wynters
I took a long breath, maybe I was hoping to suck in some courage. “I’m graduating high school. Top of my class.”
“Good for you, kid.” She wrapped the sandwich again and stuffed it into her backpack. I hadn’t noticed it till just then. It was as tattered and wasted as she was.
“You should come.”
She laughed. More like cackled. My heart stung at the sound.
“Tony said I should invite you.” At that, her laughter died and her hands twitched to her ear. Alice pulled at the cigarette stuffing it back into her mouth.
She lit it again. “I have nothing to wear.”
“I’ll get you something. You can pick it up at Tony’s.”
“Yeah, sure kid.” She scratched at her arm—dry skin, black and blue. It was hard to know where the dirt began and the bruising ended.
“Hey, Alice?” She lifted her head to me, her eyes widened just a fraction, swollen with moisture. “Are you ok? Out here? Do you need anything?”
“How about a fifty, kiddo? Just to tide me over, you know? And maybe your momma can get a haircut or something for your special day?”
Of course, she was lying. Her free hand rubbed at her thigh; she needed a hit. I pulled out the money I prepared earlier. Her skeletal fingers snatched the fifty from my hands and, like a magician, she made it disappear.
I stood up. “Come by on Tuesday and pick up your dress. Graduation is on Friday. Can you remember that?”
“Of course I can. I’m not stupid, you know.”
“What day is it today?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be there Tuesday.”
“Yeah. See you, Alice.”
I cut through the park and a few side streets to get back to the shop. Bile coated my throat and I dry retched behind some dumpsters. I was angry again. I needed to punch something or someone. How much would that fucker Derick have paid her? How many times would she let someone do that to her before she got that fifty? My stomach convulsed and my hands curled into fists. All I wanted to do was break something.
I slammed through the red iron door and marched to Tony’s office. Despite wanting to kick his fucking door down and use it to break his face, I knocked as gently as I could.
“Come.” His porky breath called me.
When I stepped inside, he assessed me. “Is it done?”
“Yes.” I hissed at him.
He just smiled and said, “Good. Now, sit down we have business.”
We talked shop for over an hour. He unveiled his future plans, how I was an intricate and important part of that plan and how he had groomed me. The word made me want to retch; hot, sour bile boiled at the pit of my stomach. With each word that spilt from him, I could hear the gates of my prison slam shut, the bolts getting tighter the bars growing longer and stretching on forever.
A life sentence.
I nodded and agreed with everything he said, my mind too frazzled to really care. I eyed the half-eaten slice of black forest cake on his table. The plate peppered with brown crumbs and smeared with jam and cream. He had already eaten the cherries, the empty hole in the icing sat like a dimple on his porky face.
The slice could have fed three people and here he was, a singular human, shoving it all into his mouth. I thought of Alice and wondered how many meals she could make of that cake, I wondered how much meth that fifty would have bought her, and whether she would show up to pick up her dress or if the coroner would be picking it up for her.
When Tony finally let me go, I went down to my room. The anger had evaporated into the chair in his office, and all I had left in me was hatred; hatred for everything and everyone who had put me on this fucking earth, who had led me here, who had dangled a carrot in front of my face, only to take it away and feed it to the fucking Easter Bunny instead.
I laid on my bed and stared at the flaking ceiling, sucking in long calming breaths. I couldn’t afford to be stupid; I had to bide my time. When you live on the streets long enough, you learn patience. Eventually, you either steal, find, or are given what you need. I had an abundance of patience. And I could wait. An opportunity would come and I would be free.
The dress was a light blue; the light blue you think is the colour of icicles, but really it’s the sky that’s reflected in the ice. I bought the smallest size they had and knew it would still be too big, but at least it would bring out her eyes. It cost me two weeks salary, but my mom would look beautiful. Dead or alive.
I also bought her some soap and travel size shampoo, new underwear and a hairbrush. I left the parcel with Salvatore knowing, if she would come by, he was the best man to deliver the package—and probably the safest. He might ask for a blow job and give her an extra twenty. It was the best case scenario.
I have to admit that when I came back to the shop and saw the package gone, I was surprised. Maybe even a little relieved. I didn’t expect her to come, let alone remember. But maybe she smelt the money all the way from the park.
It was all meant to be simple. All she had to do was look like she’d had a shower in the last two days, put on the dress, sit down, shut up and fuck off.
But alas, Alice fell down a fucking rabbit hole and she was pulling everyone down with her.
I woke up in a sweat, my shirt drenched and soggy, clinging to my body. It felt early, there was too much quietness in the world; but after the dream I had, I wasn’t going back to sleep. The nerves had caught up with me.
I had somehow managed to survive that high school unscathed. Not only that, I had almost been popular. I could have been if I didn’t have a leash around my neck. But the fringes suited me just fine, somewhere on the edge of the in and out crowd, something of a mystery. But I did survive and finished top of my class.
Even though my stomach was in knots, and I hadn’t eaten since Wednesday, I have to admit I was just a little happy. Alice would actually come and see me do something great. It would almost make up for all the missed birthdays and parent-teacher interviews and nights on the street.
Almost.
The cold water helped. I splashed my face a few more times, washing away the night and the nerves. I took a quick shower and got dressed in my uniform. Tony had the blazer cleaned and pressed, it looked almost new. I combed my hair and brushed my teeth.
When I looked at the clock it was 6:03 am.
I sat on the edge of my bed and recited my speech. I knew it by heart but I still recited it, reading it off the cards, listening to the quiver in my voice and the thumping of my heart. I was already hating the day.
The shop came to life at 7 a.m. as it did every day. Salvatore walked in slamming that red door, announcing his arrival. The hum of the fluorescent lights oozed into my bedroom. I could smell his coffee. The strong double espresso drifted under my door. It was like groundhog day, except today I was planning on changing everything.
Thing is, plans rarely go to plan.
Salvatore greeted me with a giant smile and slapped me on the back. He wasn’t a gentle man or a nice man, but he was still more present than most of the other men my mom brought into my life. Over the years we got to know each other, on the surface, neither of us was willing to delve deeper. Salvatore liked to talk, mostly about stuff that didn’t really matter—like sports, the weather, the cars he liked and fights he saw. The best thing about random conversation? It makes you forget your worries, and you lose yourself in monotonous words. Salvatore was a time waster and a life saver. They went hand in hand, but only when he was talking. If he was quiet, then you knew you were in trouble and then he didn’t waste time or save lives.
Tony showed up an hour later. He marched right up to me and shook my hand, almost like I was his equal. He had a brown mark just under his chin and a black seed stuck between his two front teeth.
“I’m proud of you, boy. Now, let’s get this done so we can start the real work.”
He didn’t mince words or waste time. He ushered me toward the car that waited out front. The Lexus. I hadn’t seen that car since the night
with Rita. My legs wobbled as I climbed inside and slid across the back seat.
The car had that new car smell, even though he’d owned it for almost five years. Any evidence of Rita or I had long been polished off in the weekly clean. The car was waxed and shiny, much like its owner; except Tony was shiny from the amount of sweat he exuded.
Tony screamed down the phone at some poor fucker the entire time we drove. His cheeks turned beetroot pink, and I thought he might explode at any minute.
In fact, I was kind of hoping he would. When we pulled into the school, he pointed at the door. I left the car and walked in alone. It was almost poetic. I was finishing off in the same way I started—alone, with every eye in the room on me.
The hall was a hive of activity. Loud chatter. There were a lot of families, everyone else’s families. I looked around hoping to catch Alice. When I didn’t see her, I wasn’t surprised. I took my seat and waited.
The crowd began to break apart and take their seats. Tony showed up as the principal took to the stage. His frown was deeper than the Southern Road Creek. His cheeks were crimson and sweat poured down his swollen face. He was huffing as he took his seat, and I knew that look in his eyes. He just wanted this over with so that he could go take care of his real problems.
I don’t know why he stayed, maybe it was like signing a contract—he needed to see it to the end, make sure the T’s were crossed and the I’s dotted.
The principal blabbed on about something; I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t listen because I was looking, waiting. My stomach coiled and set in hard stone. Where the fuck was Alice?
When they called my name to speak, she still hadn’t shown up. The empty seat beside me carried all my idle hopes, reminding me with every second of every other disappointment and let down. I took a long, galvanising breath and pushed it all down. Fuck her and her blue dress. This was all me, all about me and damned if she was going to take that away from me.
I started my speech. Something about standing on the shoulders of giants and tides lifting all boats. I stuffed that speech with so many clichés and metaphors that I wondered if anyone actually knew what I was talking about.
About halfway through my eloquent ‘life is an ocean’ metaphor, I heard the commotion in the back of the auditorium, but then so did everyone else; a few scrapped chairs, a thud and the distinct hoarse voice of the woman who pushed me out into the world.
“I’m here to see my kid.” Her slur carried across the entire auditorium. My eyes flicked to Tony, whose face twisted in an ugly scowl. He nodded to Salvatore, who was leaning in the darkness against the wall. For a big man, he could move.
Alice had already forged a path through the spectators but, once she spotted Salvatore, she did a U-turn and pushed her way in the other direction.
A few hands reached for her, trying to stop her advance, but she was a scrappy one—always had been. She pushed them off wedging herself further into the auditorium, closer to the stage, closer to her seat.
I got a good look at her then. She wasn’t wearing the dress; she was barely wearing anything at all. A ratty Micky Mouse top, that was cut like a halter, fell across her shoulder and showed off the straps of her black bra; a black skirt, that may have fit her once, barely clung to her protruding hips; worn black boots looked too big for her feet and that backpack attached to her like it was part of her body.
My hands gripped the podium and my jaw clenched as she fought her way closer.
“Let go of me, you freaks! I just want to see the kid. He told me to come. Get your hands off me!” Her screams echoed in the large space. Suddenly, the limelight that shone above my head felt too bright and too hot. All the eyes on me were judging and mocking, full of pity and jest.
When Salvatore finally caught up to her, she was nearly in the front row. He grabbed her by the elbow and pulled on her. It might not have seemed like it to most, but he was being gentle. Very gentle. I made a mental note to thank him for that later. Or maybe not.
She kept fighting and didn’t budge. Salvatore’s hands closed against her bony arms, as he tightened his grip. I held my breath waiting for the snap. He tugged on her, as if she was nothing but a rag doll, and pulled her up so that her ear was level with his mouth. She stilled as he delivered whatever message he had to say. Her eyes suddenly shrank in their sockets. I have seen that look before, but never on her; it was fear. Her eyes flicked over to Tony who was glaring at her, his nostrils flaring and lips curling.
Alice shrivelled like a flower that has been standing under the sun too long. The fight seeped out of her and, with a simple nod, she allowed Salvatore to lead her out. Silence fell on the auditorium as all eyes fell onto my mother being led out like a stray dog. People returned to their seats and the heavy silence speared my heart.
Before Salvatore managed to get Alice to the door, her body jerked. She made a sound that could only be described as a cat coughing out a hairball as vomit erupted from her mouth in a brown, smelly projectile. It coated the wall. Small lumps of food hung onto the paint and dripped slowly onto the floor where the rest had pooled. Bile rose in my throat, and my heart smashed against my rib cage. I have never wanted her dead more than in that moment.
Judge me if you must.
The crowd erupted into nauseated wails, and the smell wafted over to the stage filling the hot space. I could swear I smelt deli meat. I wondered if it was the sandwich I had given her a week before.
Salvatore dragged her out and the door slammed with their exit. A heavy hand landed on my shoulder, and the principal’s brown eyes were suddenly looking into mine. I knew the look, disgust mingled with pity. He pursed his lips and nudged me out of the way. I wasn’t going to get to say my speech that day. He proposed a twenty-minute break to give the cleaning staff an opportunity to clean up. No one argued and the hall emptied out in record time.
I left the stage and resumed my seat in the empty auditorium. The silence felt less overwhelming now that it was empty and without the heaviness of eyes and judgement. I knew what awaited me outside.
The janitor walked in at some point, swearing and clearly unhappy, his cheeks were pink and his eyes slightly uneven. They probably pulled him out of an early staff party, and he was already on number four or five, judging by his unstable gait.
Instead of wiping the vomit off, he seemed to be smearing it everywhere.
“Someone sure had a party, didn’t they? Couldn’t hold their shit together. Had to ruin my afternoon!” He mumbled to himself.
I stepped forward and he halted, realising he wasn’t alone. I helped him out. “Yeah, some drunk mom that showed up.”
He eyed me as if sizing me up then returned his attention to the wall. “Oh yeah? Heard she was a piece of work.”
“Yeah?”
“Sure, sure. Someone said she looked like a prostitute. Maybe once I’m done here, I could catch her, maybe she can let me give her one up the ass for my troubles.”
I sprang up from my chair so fast it fell backwards, the crack of the wood on floor echoing in the empty chamber. I marched over to him, my fists clenched. “Watch your fucking mouth.”
I don’t know why I didn’t hit him, in the same way that I don’t know why I was defending Alice. If he chased her, she would let him stick his dick up her ass; as long as he paid, he could put anything anywhere.
I towered over him as he wiped the floor. I let my fists fall to my side. “That’s someone mother.” His face pulled back and his lips swerved to the left in a look that said, “so?”
I pushed the nearest chair over as I crashed through the auditorium doors.
The hall was congested, bodies milling around. The murmur grew as they saw me. A few snickers and a few fingers flew about the room. Fuck them. I looked straight ahead. There’s no way I am apologising for her behaviour.
I stepped outside, the hot morning air heavy and humid. I gulped in lungfuls of it. Suffocating.
I walked.
I needed to clear my head. I walked
across the courtyard and past the oval, and soon I had left the school building behind. I suddenly knew I was never going to set foot in that place again. I didn’t look back; I didn’t need to. They would mail all the paperwork over, and that year would be the one remembered for not having a picture of the valedictorian in the yearbook. There would be no speech, but everyone would remember the vomit.
Fucking Alice, always the centre of attention but never the right kind.
My thoughts wandered to Tony. He would be embarrassed when I didn’t show back up. He would sit there like an idiot for the next two hours without me. I wondered how long it would take him to realise that I wasn’t coming back. My mouth cracked open for a split second. Fuck that fat fuck. Let him sit there and sweat. Let that big vein on his forehead throb—maybe it will explode. I knew I would be punished. I knew, that with the show my mom put on and the trouble he’d been having at the shop, Tony was under some serious stress. So I would probably get more than I deserved, but I didn’t care. I was done being his prisoner, at least for the next few hours.
I let my legs carry me. I didn’t know where I was going and it didn’t matter. I found myself in the park. I sat on the bench, the same one I found Alice on earlier in the week. I tried not to think about it. Thoughts swirled in my head; anger and anguish mingled and crashed like waves, turbulent and angry like that ocean in the speech I never got to give.
I must have sat there for a long time because there she was. Alice—stumbling towards me. Her shirt was stained with her vomit, and the reek shot straight to my nose as she fell down beside me.
“What are you doing here, kiddo?” Her back was turned to me, and she flipped her backpack off searching for a cigarette.
“Where is the dress, Alice?” I hissed through clenched teeth.
“What fucking dress?”
“The blue one? The one I bought you?”
“It was too nice and you chased off Derick…”
“Are you fucking kidding…”