She walked into her brother’s house and was surprised by the sound of a female laugh. Emily was home?
She went to the drawing room and stopped. Her eyes struggled to make out what she was seeing, but nothing was right about the scene.
Luke saw her and his eyes widened. “Camilla!” He tossed the woman off his lap.
The lady, who was not Emily, immediately began to fix her skirts. Her face held a coy expression. Her eyes flickered warily between Camilla and Luke.
It took a moment for Camilla to understand what she was seeing and what she’d witnessed. Her body went numb, as did her mind. It was like her brain was trying to block something.
Luke was standing in front of her by the time understanding came. He grabbed her arms and shouted for the butler.
“You shouldn’t be here. I told you never to come to me on this day.” He shouted for the butler again.
The man came out and then he and Luke were arguing. Apparently, Luke gave the household this day off as well, but the butler had left the door open.
Camilla didn’t know if that was true. She didn’t know what was true anymore. All she knew was that she needed to leave. She broke from her brother’s hold and ran.
He called after her, but she didn’t stop. Camilla wanted to vomit. She nearly did.
Why? She asked the question to God, but she wasn’t sure what her question actually was.
Why are men this way?
Why is there so much selfishness and pain in the world?
Why are women so powerless?
Why are we often left with nothing?
Luke grabbed her and swung her around. “Camilla, you can’t tell Emily.”
She opened her mouth, but then closed it. She couldn’t speak. He was just like Father and it hurt. It hurt too much to speak.
Luke frowned. “Camilla, please… Don’t tell Emily. Say you won’t.”
Camilla was trembling.
“Camilla.” Her brother hardened his features. “You won’t tell Emily, do you understand? If you do…” He sighed.
And she knew what he would say. She could feel the distance growing between them. She could feel her body growing numb once more. In the numbness, she stopped trembling.
“If you tell Emily then there will be no book.” His words cut her, but it was a shallow cut. He was just like father. So beautiful. So charming.
So very wrong in so many ways.
Camilla dropped the book. It thumped as it landed on the sidewalk between them. “Have it,” she said without even a hint of a quiver in her voice. “You honestly believe I’d want to write a romance after that?”
Her brother cringed and pulled away. “Camilla, it’s not what you think. I have needs. Emily is… sweet, but... You’d never understand. She’s a lady. I must handle her differently than other more experienced women...”
“You’re just like him.”
Luke’s eyes widened. “No, I’m not! I don’t love Daisy. She and I are simply having a little fun. I love Emily. I would never abandon my family. Never! Do you hear me! I’m nothing like him.” As if realizing they were in public, Luke looked around and then lowered his voice. “I would never do to Emily what Father did to our mother.”
“I don’t know if that makes it better,” Camilla said. “I don’t know anything about love, Luke. All I knew…” Her eyes watered. The emotions flooded back and filled her. “I thought…”
She’d known that Luke and Emily had their disagreements, but she’d thought them in love.
She’d believed they’d defied the odds and that her family wasn’t cursed to forever be both the cause and the result of loneliness.
Luke’s eyes filled with pain. “I told you I wasn’t Mr. Reevas.”
He had, hadn’t he? So many times, he’d warned her.
“Camilla…” He wrapped her in his arms. “Camilla, I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I swear. Just… don’t tell Emily. Please...”
She wrapped her arms around her brother. She still loved him. At least, she thought she loved him. But then… what was love?
∫ ∫ ∫
3 9
* * *
Camilla heard her door open and close sometime later. She kept her back to whoever stepped inside. She remained still with her head on her pillow and her fully clothed body underneath the sheets.
Luke had brought her home. He’d also brought the book.
Camilla decided she’d toss it into the fire the moment she got up.
She hadn’t been resting long. She thought it a little early for her mother to have returned from the duke’s house. It was hardly noon.
She listened to the footsteps and a tingling sensation spread down her arms just before her visitor crouched down to line their faces together.
Will.
She stiffened.
His eyes roamed her face and he frowned. “She didn’t mention that you were ill.”
She frowned.
He explained. “Your mother was with the duke and duchess and mentioned that you were upset. In so many words, I think she wanted me to come to see you.”
“Why didn’t a servant announce you?”
He smiled. “Because I wasn’t sure I had her blessing. She didn’t explicitly tell me to visit you. I took a guess.”
“You broke in.”
“To make sure you were all right.” He frowned. “And you’re not.”
Did that trouble him? Did he honestly care?
“I’m not writing the book anymore. I’m sorry.”
He looked surprised. “You’re sorry for me?”
She nodded. “I was writing it for you. For us. Now, your character will never find love.” Her eyes began to blur with tears. The pain returned. “I’m sorry.”
She cried softly. All the while she heard motion but didn’t look.
She didn’t see him move and didn’t protest when sometime later he gathered her in his arms. He adjusted them with his back against the headboard and his arms firmly around her.
She was still under the blanket. So was he.
She pressed her face against his chest and realized he’d removed his jacket. His shirt was warm from his body and she could smell his soap and then just underneath that, him.
“Why are you sorry?” he asked. “It’s your book.”
She burrowed into him as best she could, all the while her mind screaming it was all wrong. She shouldn’t be seeking comfort from this man… mainly because he was a man.
She sighed. Her voice was a little stronger now. “You said you’d never fall in love. I wanted to give you that. But it doesn’t exist.”
“You mean love doesn’t exist?” He used one of his hands to rub her back.
She nodded and felt further soothed by his caress. She vowed she’d pull away later. But right now… She needed this. She needed him.
It shamed her that she was so weak. Hadn’t her mother taught her anything?
Men were not to be trusted.
She thought about all the times her mother had looked at Camilla with pity when she’d tried to hold Luke and Emily up as an example. Francine had known what her son had been up to.
Men were useless.
“Love doesn’t exist.”
“Of course, it does,” he said.
“No.” She would not be convinced otherwise. “I’ve seen it.”
“You can’t prove a negative.”
She leaned back to meet his eyes and realized how bad an idea that had been.
He was beautiful and this close, she noticed the dust of faint sunspots across his upper cheeks. Otherwise, his tan skin was flawless. The deep hue of his skin made his pale green eyes all the more striking.
“My parents were in love.”
“Are you sure your father didn’t have other women?” she asked.
He grinned. “Quite sure. At least, he didn’t while I was old enough to know.”
“How can you be sure?” She may have been unable to prove her negative, but she cou
ld destroy his positive. “Fathers can easily ensure their children see only what they want to see.”
“Not when that father and son work together,” he said. “I told you my father was in the military. So was l. I knew his friends. They often whispered behind his back how good a man he was. How straight and narrow he walked.”
“Maybe he was clever enough to hide it from them as well.” She didn’t want to hurt him. At least, that was what she told herself. But maybe a part of her did.
She was hardly better than the rest of her family.
“You don’t know what it’s like to be in the military,” he said. “There’s little privacy. You sleep, eat, and breathe with men around you at every hour. Eventually, whatever you’re hiding will come to the light. There is no way a man with over thirty years of service could hide his character.”
She wanted to tell him he was wrong, but…
Thirty years of no privacy would indeed make it difficult to hide your true self.
She sighed. “Fine. You may be right. Your parents were perfect.” Now she was bitter and she was certain he could hear it.
“What happened?” he asked. “Something must have happened today.”
“My mother didn’t tell you?”
“No. There were… others about. I could tell she didn’t want your father to overhear.”
The man was hardly her father. He was only Morgana’s and Luke’s if influence could count for anything.
She placed her head back against his chest. “My father threatened to stop my book if I didn’t help him get an audience with the duke. It’s all he’s wanted for weeks.”
“Why didn’t you ask me to help you? I could have arranged it.”
Camilla sighed. “I… didn’t want to help him.” Fearing the duke was only part of her reason. The other was far crueler. “He’d decided to use me so I decided to make myself useless. If he couldn’t love me for me then…”
His arms tightened around her, but he said nothing.
Breathing became a struggle as she whispered, “And then… I saw… Luke…” She could say no more.
“Miss Daisy McCannon.”
She sat up quickly. “You knew? How did you know?” He couldn’t have seen them when she did. So that meant… “You saw them together? When? When did…?” Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again.
Will said nothing. His pained expression said enough.
She scrambled from his lap and moved away. “I’m everyone’s fool.”
“You’re not a fool. You simply saw what you wished to see and no one wanted you hurt.”
“But I’m hurting!” Her chest hurt terribly. “How long have you known?”
He sat with his legs hanging over the edge of the bed. He looked troubled. “A few weeks.”
“And you said nothing.” They’d spoken about her brother and love. She closed her eyes. “You knew! When I spoke about him and Emily being in love, you knew!”
“It wasn’t my place to tell you otherwise,” he said.
She knew he was right. Her mother should have told her. Luke should have told her.
Luke shouldn’t have created anything that needed to be told to begin with. But she was hurt. There was another tear in her soul and her mind blamed Will. “I wish to be alone.”
“I don’t think that’s wise.” His eyes showed distrust. “I think I should stay until your mother returns.”
She noted that he didn’t say her mother and father. Only her mother. “So, you know my father doesn’t live here.”
He nodded. “I found that out a few weeks ago as well.”
She crossed her arms. It shouldn’t matter that he knew. Everyone else knew. “Can you leave, please?”
“I don’t think I should.”
Rage made her face hot. “I don’t care what you think.” She wouldn’t let yet another man control her. “I want you gone. This is my room!”
He stood. “Come here.” His arms were open.
She wanted to go to him.
But instead, she took a step back. “No.” She couldn’t allow herself to feel anything for this man.
It wouldn’t last. Love never lasted. It was as fleeting an emotion as sadness and pain.
Though she thought the pain would never cease.
She was startled when his arms went around her. He dragged her against him and she fought. But the fight was half-hearted. She didn’t even lift her hands. She simply struggled and waited for him to let go, to give up and go away.
“Let go.”
“No.” He once again cupped the back of her head and pressed her against his chest. “I’m not leaving you.”
She stopped. “But you will.” Eventually, he would.
“I won’t.” He made the words sound like a vow. “I won’t leave you, Camilla. Not ever.”
She heard the kind oath, but it was like the sweet words bounced off her and fell to the ground. She couldn’t accept them or him. Her heart was closed. “You don’t mean it.”
He pulled back yet kept his hand on her head. He forced her to meet his eyes. “I do mean it, Camilla. I won’t leave you.”
She swallowed and studied his eyes. “How can you be sure?”
He took a deep breath, as though his next words held great weight. “I know because… I love you.”
His words got in her head and then sunk down to her heart. It skipped as if his confession could rock it back to life.
She shook her head. “William, please…” She couldn’t accept this. She couldn’t feel. She wouldn’t. “You don’t mean it. You don’t know me.”
“I know you,” he said with his heart in his eyes. “I know you’re creative and clever. You’re kind to your grandmother. I’ve never seen you any other way, not even when Anthony Lund tried to bully you into giving him more.” He cupped her face with both his hands. “I know you. I love you.”
Now she was struggling to breathe. She grabbed his wrists but couldn’t shove him away. “William… I don’t know. I don’t know what you want me to do with that information.” She couldn’t love him back. She didn’t know if anyone in her family was capable of it.
“I want you to accept it as a fact,” he said. “I love you and I plan to prove that to you.” He brushed his mouth against hers and lowered his voice. “I can prove it. Let me prove it.”
She took his kisses and wept as his mouth moved to her cheeks. Her face was already stained with tears. She stood there as he worshiped her face and then his mouth was on hers again.
Eventually, her hands were around his neck and her arms were around his back.
She continued to cry and let him soothe her over and over again.
But eventually, she had to stop. “Will… I don’t know if I can love you back. I don’t know if I should.” She pulled back to look at his eyes. “You said you wouldn’t marry for love.”
“I changed my mind. You helped me see that I was wrong to deny myself this.” Still holding her close, he said, “I waited so long for you. I can wait until you can accept the fact that you love me.”
Accept the fact?
She frowned. “Will, I don’t think…”
He kissed her into silence. “You love me and even if you don’t now, you will. Soon. You have feelings for me, Camilla. I have felt them. People saw it at the ball. You’re all I want.”
“And what happens when you decide you don’t deserve love again?” She simply couldn’t trust this change. She couldn’t trust this man.
“I won’t.” He let her go. “I won’t. I’ll show you.”
His eyes showed his determination.
And for a moment, she felt… happy.
She smiled and felt a blush creep onto her face. She ducked to hide it and placed her hand on his chest. Camilla wanted what he offered, but everything inside her said it was a mistake.
He was determined now, but what would happen a few years from now? What about a decade? Would he lose interest once he had her body or after she had his children?
And what of her own feelings for him?
Perhaps she had loved him last night, but this morning… the emotion seemed so far removed. Last night had been like a dream. She’d lost so much that morning, including her hope.
She turned and looked at her book.
Will did as well. “You’re going to finish that book.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You will. You’ll want to. Maybe not today but eventually.”
She turned to him. “Why are you so sure?”
“Because you’re sad and angry right now, but one day you won’t feel so sad or angry. One day, you’ll be happy again and you’ll return to the things you love. Writing is one of them.”
“Why do you think I’ll be happy?”
He lowered his head to hers and pulled her in that last inch. “Haven’t you been listening? I love you. That means I plan on making you happy.”
She smiled. She didn’t bother to hide it either.
His eyes shined with the beautiful emotion and Camilla’s heart fluttered. It still felt fragile, like a baby bird. And perhaps one day it would dare to soar.
∫ ∫ ∫
4 0
* * *
Will was awake when Lady Hornstein came into her daughter’s room.
He sat in a chair next to Camilla’s bed. She was asleep. He met the marchioness’ eyes.
It was dark in the room. The sun was gone. A simple light burned in the lamp by the bed.
The marchioness stared at him. “You’re in her room.” Though her expression didn’t say it, he could tell she had expected to find him here. She didn’t seem too disturbed by his presence. “Are you planning to marry my daughter?”
“If she’ll have me.” He looked down at Camilla. “If I can convince her of my love…” He fisted his hands to keep from touching her. Then he stood. “I’ll marry her if she’ll accept.”
He expected her mother to say she’d convince her daughter to marry him, tell her it was what she must do, but instead, they fell into silence.
He walked to the door. “She’s eaten.” He didn’t bother to tell her how many times the girl had fallen into tears. She was far more upset by what she’d discovered about her brother than anything her father had done. “She knows about Luke. She found out today.”
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