I had read them before, these abbreviated essays or expanded maxims (I do not know how to name them, Kingham himself had labelled them merely as ‘Notions’), had read them more than once and always enjoyed their violence, their queerness, their rather terrifying sincerity. But this time, it seemed to me, I read them with greater understanding than in the past. My knowledge of Kingham’s relations with Grace illuminated them for me, and they, in their turn, threw light on Kingham and his relations with Grace. For instance, there was that sentence about love ‘All love is in the nature of a vengeance, the man revenges himself on the woman who has caught and humiliated him, the woman revenges herself on the man who has broken down her reserves and reluctances, who has dared to convert her from an individual into a mere member and mother of the species’ It seemed particularly significant to me, now. I remember noticing, too, certain words about the sin against the Holy Ghost ‘Only those who know the Holy Ghost are tempted to sin against him — indeed, can sin against him. One cannot waste a talent unless one first possesses it. One cannot do what is wrong, or stupid, or futile, unless one first knows what is right, what is reasonable, what is worth doing. Temptation begins with knowledge and grows as knowledge grows. A man knows that he has a soul to save and that it is a precious soul, it is for that very reason that he passes his time in such a way that it must infallibly be damned. You, reader,’ the paragraph characteristically concluded, ‘you who have no soul to save, will probably fail to understand what I am talking about.’
I was considering these words in the light of the recent increases of my knowledge of Kingham, when I was suddenly interrupted in the midst of my meditations by the voice of Kingham himself.
‘It’s no good,’ it was saying ‘Can’t you understand?’ The voice sounded all at once much louder, as the door of the larger sitting-room opened to admit the speaker and his companion. Their footsteps resounded on the uncarpeted boards ‘Why will you go on like this?’ He spoke wearily, like one who is tired of being importuned and desires only to be left in peace ‘Why will you?’
Because I love you’ Grace’s voice was low and dulled. It seemed to express a kind of obstinate misery ‘Oh, I know, I know,’ said Kingham with an impatience that was muted by fatigue. He sighed noisily ‘If you only knew how sick I was of all this unnecessary higgling and arguing!’ The tone was almost pathetic, it seemed to demand that one should condole with the speaker, that one should do one’s best to spare him pain. One might have imagined, from the tone of his voice, that Kingham was the persecuted victim of a relentless Grace. And it was thus indeed that he now saw himself, if, as I guessed, he had reached that inevitable closing phase of all his passions — the phase of emotional satiety. He had drunk his fill of strong feeling, the bout was over, for this time, the zest had gone out of the orgy. He wanted only to live quietly, soberly. And here was Grace, importuning him to continue the orgy. An orgy in cold blood — ugh! For a man sobered by complete satiety, the idea was disgustful, a thought to shudder at. No wonder he spoke thus plaintively ‘I tell you,’ he went on, ‘it’s settled. Definitely. Once and for all’
‘You mean it? You mean definitely that you’re going?’
‘Definitely,’ said Kingham ‘Then I mean what I’ve said,’ the miserable, dully obstinate voice replied ‘Definitely I shall kill myself if you go.’
My first impulse, when I heard Kingham’s voice, had been — goodness knows why — to hide myself. A sudden sense of guilt, a schoolboy’s terror of being caught, entirely possessed me. My heart beating, I jumped up and looked about me for some place of concealment. Then, after a second or two, my reason reasserted itself I remembered that I was not a schoolboy in danger of being caught and caned, that, after all, I had been waiting here in order to ask Kingham and Grace to dinner, and that, so far from hiding myself, I ought immediately to make my presence known to them. Meanwhile, sentence had succeeded sentence in their muffled altercation I realized that they were involved in some terrible, mortal quarrel, and realizing, I hesitated to interrupt them. One feels shy of breaking in on an exhibition of strong and intimate emotion. To intrude oneself, clothed and armoured in one’s daily indifference, upon naked and quivering souls is an insult, almost, one feels, an indecency. This was evidently no vulgar squabble, which could be allayed by a little tact, a beaming face and a tepid douche of platitude. Perhaps it was even so serious, so agonizing that it ought to be put an end to at all costs I wondered. Ought I to intervene? Knowing Kingham, I was afraid that my intermention might only make things worse. So far from shaming him into peace, it would in all probability have the effect of rousing all his latent violences. To continue an intimately emotional scene in the presence of a third party is a kind of indecency Kingham, I reflected, would probably be only too glad to enhance and complicate the painfulness of the scene by introducing into it this element of spiritual outrage I stood hesitating, wondering what I ought to do. Go in to them and run the risk of making things worse? Or stay where I was, at the alternative risk of being discovered, half an hour hence, and having to explain my most inexplicable presence? I was still hesitating when, from the other room, the muffled, obstinate voice of Grace pronounced those words.
‘I shall kill myself if you go.’
‘No, you won’t,’ said Kingham. ‘I assure you, you won’t’ The weariness of his tone was tinged with a certain ironic mockery I imagined the excruciations which might result if I gave Kingham an audience to such a drama, and decided not to intervene — not yet, at any rate I tiptoed across the room and sat down where it would be impossible for me to be seen through the open door ‘I’ve played that little farce myself,’ Kingham went on ‘Oh, dozens of times. Yes, and really persuaded myself at the moment that it was the genuinely tragic article.’ Even without my intervention, his mockery was becoming brutal enough.
‘I shall kill myself,’ Grace repeated, softly and stubbornly.
‘But as you see,’ Kingham pursued, ‘I’m still alive’ A new vivacity had come into his weary voice ‘Still alive and perfectly intact. The cyanide of potassium always turned out to be almond icing and however carefully I aimed at my cerebellum, I never managed to score anything but a miss’ He laughed at his own jest ‘Why will you talk in that way?’ Grace asked, with a weary patience ‘That stupid, cruel way?’
‘I may talk,’ said Kingham, ‘but it’s you who act. You’ve destroyed me, you’ve poisoned me you’re a poison in my blood. And you complain because I talk!’
He paused, as if expecting an answer but Grace said nothing. She had said all that there was for her to say so often, she had said ‘I love you,’ and had had the words so constantly and malevolently misunderstood, that it seemed to her, no doubt, a waste of breath to answer him.’
‘I suppose it’s distressing to lose a victim,’ gingham went on in the same ironic tone, ‘But you can’t really expect me to believe that it’s so distressing that you’ve got to kill yourself. Come, come, my dear Grace. That’s a bit thick’
‘I don’t expect you to believe anything,’ Grace replied ‘I just say what I mean and leave it at that I’m tired’ I could hear by the creaking of the springs that she had thrown herself down on the divan. There was a silence ‘So am I,’ said Kingham, breaking it at last ‘Mortally tired’ All the energy had gone out of his voice, it was once more blank and lifeless. There was another creaking of springs, he had evidently sat down beside her on the divan ‘Look here,’ he said, ‘for God’s sake let’s be reasonable’ From Kingham, the appeal was particularly cogent, I could not help smiling ‘I’m sorry I spoke like that just now. It was silly, it was bad-tempered. And you know the way one word begets another, one’s carried away I didn’t mean to hurt you. Let’s talk calmly. What’s the point of making an unnecessary fuss? The thing’s inevitable, fatal. A bad business, perhaps, but let’s try to make the best of it, not the worst.’
I listened in astonishment, while Kingham wearily unwound a string of such platitudes. Wearily, wearily, he seemed
to be boring himself to death with his own words. Oh, to have done with it, to get away, to be free, never again to set eyes on her! I imagined his thoughts, his desires. There are moments in every amorous intimacy, when such thoughts occur to one or other of the lovers, when love has turned to weariness and disgust, and the only desire is a desire for solitude. Most lovers overcome this temporary weariness by simply not permitting their minds to dwell on it. Feelings and desires to which no attention is paid soon die of inanition, for the attention of the conscious mind is their food and fuel. In due course love reasserts itself and the moment of weariness is forgotten. To Kingham, however, Kingham who gave his whole attention to every emotion or wish that brushed against his consciousness, the slightest velleity of weariness became profoundly significant. Nor was there, in his case, any real enduring love for the object of his thoughtfully fostered disgust, any strong and steady affection capable of overcoming what should have been only a temporary weanness. He loved because he felt the need of violent emotion Grace was a means to an end, not an end in herself. The end — satisfaction of his craving for emotional excitement — had been attained, the means had therefore ceased to possess the slightest value for him Grace would have been merely indifferent to him, if she had shown herself in this crisis as emotionally cold as he felt himself. But their feelings did not synchronize Grace was not weary, she loved him, on the contrary, more passionately than ever. Her importunate warmth had conspired with his own habit of introspection to turn weariness and emotional neutrality into positive disgust and even hatred. He was making an effort, however, not to show these violent feelings, moreover he was tired — too tired to want to give them their adequate expression. He would have liked to slip away quietly, without any fuss. Wearily, wearily, he uttered his sedative phrases. He might have been a curate giving Grace a heart-to-heart chat about Life ‘We must be sensible,’ he said. And ‘There are other things besides love’ He even talked about self-control and the consolations of work. It lasted a long time.
Suddenly Grace interrupted him ‘Stop!’ she cried in a startlingly loud voice ‘For heaven’s sake stop ‘How can you be so dishonest and stupid?’
‘I’m not,’ Kingham answered, sullenly ‘I was simply saying.
‘You were simply saying that you’re sick of me,’ said Grace, taking up his words ‘Simply saying it in a slimy, stupid, dishonest way. That you’re sick to death of me and that you wish to goodness. I’d go away and leave you in peace. Oh, I will, I will. You needn’t worry’ She uttered a kind of laugh. There was a long silence ‘Why don’t you go?’ said Grace at last. Her voice was muffled, as though she were lying with her face buried in a cushion ‘Well,’ said Kingham awkwardly. ‘Perhaps it might be best’ He must have been feeling the beginnings of a sense of enormous relief, a joy which it would have been indecent to display, but which was bubbling only just beneath the surface ‘Good-bye, then, Grace,’ he said, in a tone that was almost cheerful ‘Let’s part friends.’
Grace’s laughter was muffled by the cushion. Then she must have sat up, for her voice, when she spoke a second later, was clear and unmated. ‘Kiss me,’ she said peremptorily ‘I want you to kiss me, just once more.’
There was a silence.
‘Not like that,’ Grace’s voice came almost angrily ‘Kiss me really, really, as though you still loved me’
Kingham must have tried to obey her, anything for a quiet life and a prompt release. There was another silence.
‘No, no’ The anger in Grace’s voice had turned to despair. ‘Go away, go, go. Do I disgust you so that you can’t even kiss me?’
‘But, my dear Grace’ he protested ‘GO, go, go’
‘ Very well, then,’ said Kingham in a dignified and slightly offended tone. But inwardly, what joy! Liberty, liberty! The key had turned in the lock, the prison door was opening ‘If you want me to, I will’ I heard him getting up from the divan ‘I’ll write to you when I get to Munich,’ he said.
I heard him walking to the door, along the passage to the bedroom, where, I suppose, he picked up his suit-cases, back along the passage to the outer door of the apartment. The latch clicked, the door squeaked on its hinges as it swung open, squeaked as it closed, there was an echoing bang.
I got up from my chair and cautiously peeped round the edge of the doorway into the other room Grace was lying on the divan in precisely the position I had imagined, quite still, her face buried in a cushion I stood there watching her for perhaps half a minute, wondering what I should say to her. Everything would sound inadequate, I reflected. Therefore, perhaps, the most inadequate of all possible words, the most perfectly banal, trivial and commonplace, would be the best in the circumstances.
I was pondering thus when suddenly that death-still body stirred into action Grace lifted her face from the pillow, listened for a second, intently, then with a series of swift motions, she turned on her side, raised herself to a sitting position, dropped her feet to the ground and, springing up, hastened across the room towards the door. Instinctively, I with-
drew into concealment I heard her cross the passage, heard the click and squeak of the front door as it opened. Then her voice, a strange, inhuman, strangled voice, called ‘Kingham ‘‘and again, after a listening silence that seemed portentously long, ‘Kingham!’ There was no answer.
After another silence, the door closed Grace’s footsteps approached once more, crossed the room, came to a halt I peeped out from my ambush. She was standing by the window, her forehead pressed against the glass, looking out — no, looking down, rather. Two storeys, three, if you counted the area that opened like a deep grave at the foot of the wall beneath the window — was she calculating the height? What were her thoughts?
All at once, she straightened herself up, stretched out her hands and began to raise the sash I walked into the room towards her.
At the sound of my footsteps, she turned and looked at me — but looked with the disquietingly blank, unrecognizing eyes and expressionless face of one who is blind. It seemed as though her mind were too completely preoccupied with its huge and dreadful idea to be able to focus itself at once on the trivialities of life.
‘Dear Grace,’ I said, ‘I’ve been looking for you Catherine sent me to ask you to come and have dinner with us.’
She continued to look at me blankly. After a second or two, the significance of my words seemed to reach her, it was as though she were far away, listening to sounds that laboured slowly across the intervening gulfs of space. When at last she had heard my words — heard them with her distant mind — she shook her head and her lips made the movement of saying ‘No.’
I took her arm and led her away from the window” ‘But you must,’ I said.
My voice seemed to come to her more quickly this time. It was only a moment after I had finished speaking that she again shook her head.
‘You must,’ I repeated ‘I heard everything, you know I shall make you come with me’
‘You heard?’ she repeated, staring at me.
I nodded, but did not speak. Picking up her small, close-fitting, casque-shaped hat from where it was lying on the floor, near the divan, I handed it to her. She turned with an automatic movement towards the dim, grey-glassed Venetian mirror that hung above the fireplace and adjusted it to her head a wisp of hair straggled over her temple, tidily, she tucked it away.
‘Now, let’s go,’ I said, and led her away, out of the flat, down the dark stairs, into the street. Walking towards Holborn in search of a taxi, I made futile conversation I talked, I remember, about the merits of omnibuses as opposed to undergrounds, about second-hand bookshops, and about cats Grace said nothing. She walked at my side, as though she were walking in her sleep.
Looking at that frozen, unhappy face — the face of a child who has suffered more than can be borne — I was filled with a pity that was almost remorse. I felt that it was somehow my fault, that it was heartless and insensitive of me not to be as unhappy as she was I felt, as I have often felt
in the presence of the sick, the miserably and hopelessly poor, that I owed her an apology I felt that I ought to beg her pardon for being happily married, healthy, tolerably prosperous, content with my life. Has one a right to be happy in the presence of the unfortunate, to exult in life before those who desire to die? Has one a right?
‘The population of cats in London,’ I said, ‘must be very nearly as large as the population of human beings’
‘I should think so,’ Grace whispered, after a sufficient time had elapsed for her to hear, across the gulfs that, separated her mind from mine, what I had said. She spoke with a great effort, her voice was scarcely audible ‘Literally millions,’ I pursued. And then, fortunately, I caught sight of a taxi. Driving Rome to Kensington, I talked to her of our. Italian holiday I did not think it necessary, however, to tell her of our meeting with Peddley at Modane.
Arrived, I told Catherine in two words what had happened and, handing Grace over to her care, took refuge in my work-room I felt, I must confess, profoundly and selfishly thankful to be back there, alone, with my books and my piano. It was the kind of thankfulness one feels, motoring out of town for the weekend, to escape from dark and sordid slums to a comfortable, cool-gardened country house, where one can forget that there exist other human beings beside oneself and one’s amusing, cultivated friends, and that ninety-nine out of every hundred of them are doomed to misery I sat down at the piano and began to play the Arietta of Beethoven’s Op 111.
Complete Works of Aldous Huxley Page 393