by Sofie Hern
“We have to do it, Jake.”
“But what if the insurance doesn’t approve?”
“We’re not going through the insurance.”
“Are you fucking crazy? Do you have any idea how much—”
“I already told you, Charles is helping us. And I will pay him back every penny, no matter how long it takes.”
“Why is he doing this?”
“Because he can, Jake.”
“What about the house? Your work and—”
“We'll figure it out.”
He’s thoughtful for a minute. “I don’t know, Adam, it’s a big decision.”
“But we can’t sit back and do nothing about it. I can’t leave Aaron like that, Jake. The stupid hospital he’s at now fucked everything up and I’m not leaving him with those fucking useless morons.”
We are in silence for such a long time I’m starting to doze off.
“If you say it’ll work out I believe you. Let’s do it, but I’m getting a job and helping with whatever Aaron needs. If it’s out of state I’ll keep an eye here, you know, hold down the fort, no matter how long it takes.”
“Thanks, Jake.”
He lets out a long breath indicating the crisis has passed.
“You look like shit, by the way.”
“I feel like it, too,” I say, grab my bag and go to my room.
61
ADAM
I wake up drenched in sweat and realize I’ve only been asleep for an hour. The clock on the desk says 2:31 p.m. I get out of bed feeling lightheaded and my head is throbbing. I go to the dresser and take out a clean T-shirt then from the closet grab my shorts. I have chills and my body aches so I figure I still have a fever.
–
As I make my way out of my room Jaycob comes out of his.
“Feeling alright?”
I shake my head, which only causes the room to spin and I lean on the doorjamb. Obviously, the shower is out of the question and he helps me back to bed.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Just a bug, I think. I haven’t slept well in days, so my body wants to kick its own ass.”
He studies me for a moment. “Okay. Well, I’m heading back to the hospital now. You’re gonna be okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
–
The nightmares intensify due to the high fever. I remember after my parents died, I had a similar dream where I’m driving my parents to church and we get in a horrible accident where they both die. That one lasted about six months so I know this one is not going away anytime soon.
The doorbell wakes me and I open my eyes. Once again, it feels like I slept for hours but only fifty minutes have passed. I sit up on the bed and when the room stops spinning I go to the door.
–
I get to the door as my surroundings continue to spin. I open it and Rita is standing in front of me, holding a Walgreens bag.
“Hey, Rita. Come in.”
The outside breeze hits me hard, sending me into a full-body shiver.
“Brought you some Tylenol for the fever.”
I close the door and when I turn to her I become dizzy then everything goes black.
–
When I come to, I have Rita’s coat over me with my head resting on her lap and she’s sitting on her heels.
“Hey,” she says with a sweet smile.
“What happened?”
She places a cold towel on my forehead, which is soothing as it touches my hot skin.
“You passed out. And you also have a fever of one-o-three.”
“Shit,” I say and rub my elbow.
“You’re gonna have a bruise there for sure. You fell right on it! One second you’re there and going down the next, like a tree.” She smiles and continues to soothe my forehead.
“Thanks for being here.”
“We should get you to bed.”
She helps me stand, holds me by the waist and I drape an arm around her shoulders.
“Slow and steady,” she says.
–
In the room, she helps me to sit on the bed.
“I’m going to make you some tea and get water for the pills.”
While she’s gone, I grab the T-shirt that I left on the bed earlier and change into it. My elbow hurts and I wince in pain but manage to put it on then throw the dirty one on the side of the bed as Rita returns with some water. She gives me a couple of Tylenol, then sits next to me, looking around.
“I miss her,” she says after a while.
“Me, too.”
After a long period of silence, I say, “Was she happy?”
“She sure was. Loved life and loved her boy more than anything. I know she’s glad that you’re taking care of him.”
“I let her down though”
“How?”
“Just look at him. He’s in a fucking hospital bed.”
“You’ve done nothing to let her down, Adam. You’re taking care of her little boy. Just look at you. You’re exhausted and sick and still looking out for him. That’s all she would have wanted.”
I manage a smile. “Thanks for all you’ve done.”
“We need to find a hospital ASAP!” Saying so, she takes the laptop from my bag and brings it to me. I get into bed with the laptop on my lap and she sits on a chair next to me. We spend the next hour finishing up the details and when we’ve made a decision I call Charles while Rita goes to the kitchen to heat up some soup.
I tell Charles what hospital we’ve chosen, the cost, the procedure and we even found a highly rated physical therapist.
“Make it happen,” he says and asks me to stop by his office to pick up a check and a donation. Apparently, the guys at work put together a donation drive and want me to pick up the money.
“You know, Adam, Howard is still in Los Angeles. I’m just throwing it out there. Isn’t time you two bury the hatchet? For little Aaron’s sake?” And with that, the call ends and I stare at my phone, thinking about what he just said.
“What did he say?” Rita hands me a mug of lemon tea. The warm liquid soothes my throat.
“He gave the go-ahead.”
There is that sweet smile again. “Let’s do this!”
“I need to talk to the doctor right away.”
“You need to get some rest.” She helps me lie down and places the covers over me. “I’m leaving some warm soup on the stove for you. Promise if you don’t feel well you’ll call me or Jake?”
I nod. “Thanks again for your help.”
62
HOWARD
Howard was Adam’s friend and co-worker. A few years ago, he was dating his girlfriend, Aubrey and was ready to settle down. On this particular day, he had planned the perfect proposal. She’d taken the day off work and Howard wanted to surprise her at home by taking her flowers then taking her out to her favorite spot for lunch.
He arrived at her apartment and opened the door. The television was on and he made his way to her bedroom and when he opened the door he froze. There was Aubrey, the love of his life, in bed with another man. Howard stood watching for a long time, unable to move.
“Howard!”
She scrambled out of bed and grabbed her robe off the floor. Howard threw the flowers at her and turned to leave. He crossed the living room and out the door as she ran after him but he wouldn't stop. “Howard, wait!” she called, but he got in his car and drove away. He never saw her again, but kept the ring he was going to give her.
His life changed from that moment and would not be the same for a long time. He started drinking, missing work and experimenting with heavy drugs.
–
On the day marking what would have been his and Aubrey’s first year anniversary; he got out of bed and decided to skip work, again. His father had given him an ultimatum but at that moment, nothing mattered to Howard. He took out the ring from the dresser where he kept it and sat on the floor in his bedroom, thinking about something he should have done a long time ago. He w
as hopeless and still missed her more than anything. He admired the ring for a long time and held it in his hand. Moments later he stood and went to his closet, reached the top shelf and brought down his 9mm and removed it from the holster then took it with him to the kitchen.
–
He sat at the table and placed the ring in front of him and began crying because life had no meaning. After a moment he took the gun and through tears removed the safety and placed the barrel in his mouth then shut his eyes. He was shaking uncontrollably and as he counted back from five there was a knock at the front door.
“Howard?” It was his friend, Adam.
Howard exhaled and stopped what he was about to do, but didn’t answer the door. He sobbed and tears and snot covered his face.
“Howard, I know you're in there.”
Howard put the gun on the table and covered it with his arms, crying into them. Moments later the knock was at the back door, which led to the kitchen.
“Howard, open the door. Please.”
“Get the fuck out of here!”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Leave me the fuck alone!”
“I want to make sure you're okay, that’s all. I… I know it’s a difficult day today, but I'm here for you.”
“I'm fucking tired, man.”
“Please, can I come in?”
Howard knew Adam and that he wasn’t going away. He took the gun and went to open the door. Adam stood in front of him, but didn’t flinch at the sight of the weapon. Howard invited him in as he wiped tears with his sleeve and Adam stepped inside.
“Can we talk?”
Howard didn't respond and went to sit. Still holding the gun he took the ring from the table and held it in his hand. Adam sat across from him and it surprised Howard that he hadn’t tried to take the gun away.
“I know today fucking sucks,” said Adam, who had his hands on his lap as Howard cried. “I’ve felt that way before.”
“With Tianna… I know.”
“It sucks to love someone so much and know they’re out of reach. The hardest thing for me is figuring out the difference between love and friendship. I know that she loves me and supports me as her brother but...”
Howard stopped crying and hung his head. “This is different. I mean. God. I loved her so much and... How do you do it?” he asked.
“Do what?”
“See Tianna and know she can't love you back?”
Adam took a deep breath and said, “I try to stay away from her as much as possible because whenever I’m near her my feelings get all mixed. But at the same time, it’s hard. My parents have no clue and so when we’re both around them, I have to pretend that she’s my sister, you know? I try to focus on other things too… work for example. It keeps me busy.”
“But you have a wife,” Howard reminded him and placed the gun on the table.
“Yeah, but I don't love her. Not the way she wants me to, or the way I love Tianna.” Adam shifted slightly in the chair.
“Why are you with her then?”
Adam casually reached for the gun and Howard had no reaction. Adam admired the weapon, put the safety back on then put it back on the table which told Howard how much his friend trusted him.
“I’m afraid of being alone, I think,” Adam admitted.
“It fucking sucks.”
Adam took a deep breath and exhaled. “She’s not worth it, Howard.”
Howard put his elbows on the table and his face in his hands. “I miss her so much.”
Adam knelt by his friend’s side. “You’re stronger than you think,” he told him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
“I don't know how to be without her, you know? I have to be fucking drunk or high to forget her. I hate this shit, man. I’m fucking tired.”
“Focus on other things. You can do it, Howard. She's not worth it. You’re stronger than this. I know you are.”
Howard turned and cried into Adam’s shoulder. “Help me,” he begged. “I don't want to miss her anymore.”
“I'll help you. I promise. But you gotta hang on, okay?”
Howard rose, took the gun from the table and handed it to Adam. “Don't tell anyone about this,” he requested.
“I won't. I promise.”
Adam took the gun and put it in his waist. “You'll be okay. I promise. But the first thing you need to do is get rid of that ring.”
Howard nodded.
“Let's go for a drive, yeah?” Adam suggested. "Anywhere.”
–
Howard wasn't saying much as they drove and Adam respected that. They’d been driving north for nearly two hours.
“Stop!” Howard exclaimed.
Adam pulled over and stopped the car. Across the road was a lake surrounded by trees.
“I'll be right back.” Howard got out of the truck and crossed the road to the lake and stood at the edge. The morning was cool and the breeze helped dry his tears. He took the ring from his pocket and admired it for a moment.
“Goodbye, Aubrey,” he said and threw the ring as far and as hard as he could. He saw ripples when it hit the water and waited a minute, then returned to the truck.
They sat in silence for a long time and Adam placed his hand on Howard’s shoulder. He didn’t need to say more.
–
Howard has always been grateful to Adam for helping him through the most difficult time in his life. Adam talked him into getting help for his drug and drinking problems and he moved to California where he rehabilitated. Months later he got a job at a radio station and decided to stay there for good. He’s been sober for years, with no relapses. Adam kept his promise of not telling anyone about the day he attempted to take his life, but Howard told his father months later.
Through the years he and Adam stayed in touch until about a year ago when Howard visited Henderson.
All these memories returned when Howard's father called to tell him that Adam might need help in California. Howard learned then what happened to Tianna and her boy. He is unsure of what to do as he’s still hurt by the fact that his friend, the one who saved his life all those years ago accused him of something that Howard could never do. He knows, however, that he owes so much to him that he is willing to put his pride aside.
63
ADAM
I sleep for over six hours, a new record for me since Tianna’s death. The fever is gone and my head feels much better. I get out of bed and draw the curtains, it has turned dark out and the house is cold. I’m careful to walk until I am sure I’m no longer dizzy.
I walk out of the room and go check the thermostat which reads sixty-five degrees and turn it up. I go to the kitchen, but I’m not hungry and feel bad that I didn’t touch the soup Rita left for me. I put it in the refrigerator and take a glass of water instead, then go back to the room and lay down on the bed with my hands behind my head.
I turn to look at Tianna’s photo on the desk. “I promise I'll do everything to make sure your little boy gets better.” I look at the photo for a long time and fall asleep.
–
It feels like a blink then it is morning. The fever returns, but the headache is still gone and for that I am glad. I get out of bed and grab a couple of Tylenol from the nightstand and take them with the water from the night before. I’m glad that I am no longer dizzy with each movement. It’s a little after seven and I look out the window to find lots of dark clouds but no rain.
My mind takes me back to Howard. The last time we saw each other was when he visited Henderson during the summer a year ago and it did not end well. I sit on the bed thinking it’s time to contact an old friend.
–
Howard went to visit me at Irene’s while I was at work and he decided to stay and visit with her for a bit. When I got home and he had left, Irene was hysterical and said that Howard had gone up to Jordyn’s room and done terrible things to her. My fury was instant as you might imagine. I knew where he was staying because he emailed his itinerary the previous night
.
I went to him and as soon as he opened the door, without telling him why I was there, I punched him and broke his nose. He defended himself obviously and we got into a physical altercation. He ended up in the hospital with a few broken ribs and me at the police station.
When I got home, I went to see if Jordyn was okay. She was confused when I asked if she wanted to press charges on Howard. She told me that in fact Howard had been in her room to say hello and they ended up talking about his job, school, and music but that was it. When I confronted Irene she said that maybe she overreacted, but she didn’t like the fact that Howard was talking with Jordyn alone in her room. I attempted to contact Howard and make this right, but by then it was too late.
–
The ringing of my phone takes me out of the trance. The call is from the hospital and I answer in a panic.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Uncle Adam!” Aaron’s voice is so sweet, it makes me smile.
“Hey, buddy! How are you?”
“Good. I can sit up now,” he says proudly.
“That's great!” Hearing his voice makes me feel a hundred times better.
“Sorry that you don't feel so good.”
“Thanks, buddy. I promise I'm gonna come see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, see ya.”
Jaycob comes on the line. “He wanted to talk to you.”
“I needed that too, thanks, Jake… and please, don't tell him anything about the transfer yet. I want to wait till I talk to Jian tomorrow.”
“No prob. Take it easy and don't worry, I slept most of the night so I'll be good till tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Jake. Talk to you later.”
–
As time passes I’m starting to feel better and by twelve o'clock I’ve taken a shower, tidied up the house and done some work.
I receive an e-mail regarding the adoption. In it, Ruth tells me that she has submitted the adoption paperwork to the court and that I should expect a decision within the next few weeks. I feel like everything is finally coming together and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since Tianna’s death, things have been happening too damn fast. It’s nice to stop and take a breath, especially knowing Aaron will be getting the care he needs.