It’s Not Home Without You: A Homecoming Novel #1

by C. Lymari

  Max had to believe I didn’t love him anymore.

  Every moment I spend in this town feels like I’m drowning. I’m suffocating here, Max. I will never be the girl at town events, hosting parties, and attending fundraisers. While you were busy running around town, helping with the elections, I met someone. He isn’t from around here. He makes me laugh; he understands me and reminds me that all I ever wanted was to be free.

  I can’t do it anymore. I take a break from writing, trying to get my breathing under control. I never knew how hard it was to push through when you had a broken heart. I knew now. The pain was secondary to the memories, the laughter, and the love. Pain took a back seat to regret. It taunted me, reminding me I was throwing away the best thing in my life. The pain I could handle; it was his pain that destroyed what I had left of my heart. Maximilian would hate me, but at least he would have everything that was rightfully his.

  If this is how my mother felt, then maybe I judged her too harshly. I could see how easy it would be to grab a bottle and forget for a second, but the moment the alcohol left my body, the pain would come back. I preferred to endure it and learn to live with the ache because the ache would remind me that, at one point, I had it all.

  If only for a moment.

  I’m leaving town, Max. I hope that one day you find it in your heart to forgive me and think of the time we shared with fond memories. I know you will do great things.

  Take care,

  Freya

  “Please… d-don’t h-hate me,” I cried in my empty room.

  I left my grandpa a note, but I had a feeling he knew why I had to go. He wasn’t stupid. He saw the change in me after Max dropped me off from his family’s party. I took every single penny I had saved from working at Franny’s—money I had saved hoping to help Max pay for an apartment near his college. Mr. Dunnett wasn’t only taking Max from me but my whole family. I had nothing.

  I waited until it was dark enough that no one would notice me when I went to the bus station. I never got to tell Rusty goodbye, and just like Max, he would hate me. I couldn’t look into my best friend’s eyes and tell him I had to go. He would think there was another way, but there wasn’t. I would not complicate Max’s life any more than I already had.

  32

  Freya

  What the fuck just happened?

  I kept asking myself that question over and over, and I couldn’t find an answer I could live with. For once, I was glad my grandfather was away so he wouldn’t see me like this. I was a fucking mess.

  How could I let it happen?

  As soon as Max touched me, I was done fighting my feelings for him. I was starving for him. I had been ever since I left town. He was my home; with him, I wasn’t lost. I took a moment to feel loved, cherished, and protected.

  Even if what we just shared was a lie.

  God, the moment he entered me, I felt alive. I felt awake for the first time in years. I wasn’t only breathing and coasting through life, but I was living.

  What did we do?

  I took off my clothes like they were on fire. My white dress was ruined and stained—even if the stain was one you couldn’t see, but I felt it, and I carried with me.

  How could I do that with him? I knew how a betrayal felt. I hated Abigail, but I never intended to do this to her. I never expected this to happen. I turned the shower on, adjusting the water on the hottest setting, letting my skin burn, but it was the only way I knew I could get my skin clean.

  I still felt cold.

  The shower didn’t make me feel any cleaner.

  Max and I had sex while he was still engaged to her, and if I was honest, I couldn’t regret it. It was so wrong, dirty and raw, but it was still beautiful.

  It was us.

  For a second, under the rain, in the alley, we were Max and Freya, just like when we were young. It was a different place, a different time, but those feelings we felt were still the same.

  How could it be wrong when it was all I ever dreamed of and more? When Max kissed me, I forgot about everything that kept us apart. I couldn’t remember why I left in the first place. The last seven years felt like it was only yesterday. Abigail was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t care for her, so I didn’t let myself think of her when he was kissing me… touching me… when he was inside me. But as soon as he set me down, his touch no longer felt good, it burned, and it shamed me. It made me into the girl everyone thought they knew.

  Slutty Freya.

  Sticks and stones only worked because I knew that whatever people thought of me was a lie. I knew that I was better than what everyone thought of me, but now I was precisely the girl everyone always thought I was.

  I was a slut.

  I slept with a man who didn’t have a girlfriend—no, it was much worse. He was engaged. For crying out loud, his wedding was weeks away. How could I keep living in this town when I couldn’t even look at my reflection in the mirror?

  I was ashamed.

  I was dirty.

  If Max were to touch me again, I was so freaking scared I would crumble and do it all over. I knew myself, and I would succumb to his touch, to have his heat on me, his smell on my skin. Not saying it was right, because it wasn’t, but it was crazy how it was so easy to lose yourself in someone else. To lose all your morals and be led by instinct instead. To want and take because at that moment no one mattered because the heart didn’t understand right from wrong. The heart wanted what it wanted, even if getting it meant starting a war.

  Once was a mistake, but to do it again, that would be an affair, and I was better than that. I deserved better. I quickly got dressed, and for a second time in my life, I left my grandpa a note. I didn’t feel too bad about it this time because I would be back, but I needed space to breathe. To think and come to terms with what I did.

  Looking at the trailer, I convinced myself that distance was a good thing. Space would do me good. I needed to separate this town from what Max and I did. I slept with an engaged man. I needed to come to terms with my mistake and move on. With shaky fingers, I dialed the last person I’d ever thought I would ask for help.

  “Gorgeous, I didn’t think you’d go ahead with our deal,” Ashton greeted me.

  “Can we leave right now?”

  “Anything for you, gorgeous, just give me an hour.” I heard the smugness in his voice, but right then it didn’t bother me. I gave him my grandpa’s address and waited for him, so I could run away from my problems once again.

  33

  Max

  “Please, Max, I need you,” Freya whispered in my ear. We were in our spot at the old water tower. Her ass on the hood of my car just like the last time, I had her, but this time she was a woman. My woman. She leaned back on the shiny black hood, spread her silky legs, and my mouth watered at the sight of her glistening pink pussy. Fuck, when was the last time I had my head between her legs? Licking, sucking, and making her scream my name was my favorite thing to do. I yearned for her moans and savored her taste. I needed more of her.

  “Max, baby, I love you.”

  I closed my eyes, trying to hide the pain those words brought. How many nights did I yearn to hear those words come out of her mouth?

  Son of a bitch.

  I woke with my dick hard, breathing as if I had just run a marathon.

  “Honey, is everything okay?” Abigail’s manicured hand rested above my racing heart. She rarely stayed over; her family was conservative and wouldn’t let her move in with me until we were married. She thought it would be more exciting moving in together once we became husband and wife. That was fine with me. I liked my space. I loved that she didn’t hover. She didn’t whine. She was just there.

  I was fucking angry at myself for losing control. I was mad at Abigail for sleeping over today. Most of all, I was furious at Freya for running away from me. I looked down at Abbi’s hand on my bare chest. I knew I could blow off steam with her, but her scent wasn’t what I wanted to smell, and her slim body lacked the curves I was
searching for. Sliding inside Abigail wouldn’t be home like it was when I was with Freya.

  “I’m fine. Come on, let’s go back to sleep,” I lied, but she didn’t question me.

  As soon as the sun rose, I got out of bed, grabbed my running gear, and left. I needed to clear my head. There was an answer, but I wasn’t getting it. My wedding was in three weeks. As soon as my feet hit the pavement, I ran. For years I avoided thinking about Freya and me. Today those memories were haunting me. Freya and me holding hands the night she agreed to be my girl. Us on our first official date, a picnic by the park.

  But those weren’t the only memories that haunted me.

  The first time I met Abigail, the way she soothed my pain. On our first date, I took Abigail to eat at Moore’s—something different; Freya free. Abbi looked me in the eyes and told me, “This isn’t my usual style, Maximilian, but for you, I can stay.” I remember winking at her.

  I was worth staying for.

  Then that night when it was time to leave, and I ran my hand up her leg under the table, only to have it smacked away. Instead of being put off by her behavior since I had gotten used to having what I wanted, I walked her home and kissed her goodnight.

  “I may have wanted you for a long time, Maximilian, but that doesn’t mean I will put out for you on the first, second, or third date.” She then came up to me, pulled me down by the tie around my neck, and kissed my mouth possessively. It was the first time in years that anything excited me. So, I took her on more dates. On the fourth date, she let me finger her to oblivion. On the sixth date, I had my head between her legs, and she screamed my name. On the seventh date, she sucked me off in my office, and on the eighth date, she invited me to stay the night.

  Abigail Newton made me forget.

  What started as a challenge and my new coping mechanism turned into something more. I grew to care for Abigail. I even grew to love her. We were sitting together at my parents’ house, her laughing at something my mother said, and at that moment, I was content. I could picture a life with Abigail, and the thought didn’t scare me. I was ready to embrace my new life.

  So, I did.

  I bought a ring and proposed to Abigail in the backyard of her childhood home with both of our families in attendance. Everything was fine until Freya walked back into town looking as beautiful as the day she left. I had been living with the pain of her absence for a long time. I didn’t realize I had become desensitized to it until I saw her standing at Hayward’s Auto Shop. I loved Abigail, but what I felt for Freya surpassed everything else.

  Loving Abigail was like the flames of a bonfire, beautiful and it kept you warm, but when it was over, you scrapped it off and moved on. Freya was like an inferno burning me alongside her. I loved Abigail, but it paled in comparison to what I had always felt for Freya. My run exhausted me. I pushed myself past my limits because the burn in my lungs was better than feeling myself rip in half. Even though I was tired as shit, instead of heading home, I went to Emma’s.

  After last night, things changed. I knew what I wanted.

  Emma wasn’t around, only Quincy. “Is Freya coming in?” I asked, barely catching my breath. The kid looked me up and down before he replied, “Nah, she left for San Francisco.” I turned around before he could finish telling me more. Freya had left, leaving me to pick up the mess she left behind once again.

  * * *

  No matter how many times I pulled on my tie, I still felt like it was choking me. The rehearsal dinner was going off without a hitch. My father and Prescott were busy talking up our guests, campaigning for Prescott’s upcoming election.

  No opportunity wasted.

  Annabeth, Abbi’s mom, was bouncing from table to table thanking everyone personally for coming and celebrating our wedding. I smiled through every congratulation, waiting for someone to call me out on my bullshit. I kept loosening my tie, only to have Abigail fix it the next second.

  “Is everything okay, honey?” Abigail hugged me from behind. I turned, and she looked at me, her eyes bright and glowing, a smile on her pretty face, and I felt ashamed.

  “Yeah, everything’s okay.”

  She leaned up and kissed my lips, and it took everything in me to not move back and flinch. Her touch had brought me comfort; now it made me ill. The guilt was probably kicking in.

  “I’ll be back. I’m going to make sure everyone is having a good time,” I lied.

  She beamed. “Honey, I can’t wait to start our lives tomorrow. It’s everything I could ever imagine. You know, we can finally start building our house. I’m sure your tenants will understand.”

  Somehow, I managed to nod. I didn’t even think about the fact that Abigail would move in to my apartment. That was always our plan. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with Freya’s arrival if Abigail and I lived together. What was I going to do about Eugene? I wasn’t kicking him out. I always kept my word, and when I bought the land of his, I promised him Freya would always have her home. I’d been young and desperate back then, making promises I shouldn’t have made in the first place.

  I said hello to a few people and smiled as I made my way past them, wishing I could leave this fucking town as Freya did. When I couldn’t pretend anymore, I went outside.

  “You don’t look like a man who’s marrying the woman of his dreams tomorrow.” My little sister’s voice startled me. I’d seen little of Juliet since she got married straight after college. She looked thinner than before, her face sharper, and there was something in her eyes I didn’t like.

  I answered immediately. “It’s nothing.”

  “Oh please, Max, you’re my brother. Don’t try to bullshit me.” She came and stood next to me.

  “Unlike Prescott, I don’t like parties.”

  “I know, but I know that’s not it... How long has she been back for?”

  I turned to look at my sister, confused as hell.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Juliet rolled her eyes at me. “Don’t play stupid, Max, Freya. I saw her at the gas station this morning.”

  “She’s back?” I asked, full of hope. But she was gone, she went with him. Abigail had told me all about it after my jog. Freya left with him after she slept with me, giving me an answer to a question I didn’t get a chance to ask.

  “Max, what’s going on?” My sister took a hesitant step toward me.

  “She left. I thought she wasn’t coming back anymore.” I ran my hand through my hair. I needed to leave, to see her.

  Fuck.

  “It doesn’t matter; she’s left me before. Freya will always leave.”

  “So, what? You’re just going to marry Abigail as a consolation?” my sister asked haughtily.

  “I thought she was your friend?” I snapped back.

  “We grew apart.” Juliet shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. Where the fuck had I been that I didn’t notice my sister wasn’t friends with my fiancée? She wasn’t even part of the wedding party.

  “Are you happy, Max?”

  “What’s going on, Juliet? What’s with all the questions?” I loved my little sister, but she’d never been one to be up in all our business. Juliet looked up at the dark sky. There was something clouding her eyes.

  “Marriage isn’t easy, but if you’re not in it since the beginning, it will be hell. Your vows become empty, and your marriage license a prison.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  She took a deep breath and looked at me with a sad smile on her beautiful face. She brought one of her hands to my cheek. “There’s something I need to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago.”

  “Juliet.” I tried to pull my little sister into a hug. Every instinct in my body was telling me I needed to protect her, but she shook her head.

  “I thought I was doing the right thing… I thought Mom knew because Dad always does the right thing for our family.” Juliet’s voice was shaky. My blood ran cold.

  “What did you do?” My hands trembled. I feared w
hat she would say.

  “You remember the last time you brought Freya to our house?”

  I could never forget that day. It was the last time she was still mine.

  My Freya before things changed between us. Before she left me.

  “What about it?” My rough voice made Juliet flinch.

  “That day I overheard Dad talking to Freya... He threatened her. He told her if she didn’t leave, he would make sure her grandfather lost everything. He told her she was ruining your life, that she would never be good enough for you. Dad offered her money—”

  “Stop,” I seethed.

  My fucking father.

  My fucking sister.

  “Freya didn’t take a dime, Max.”

  There were tears in Juliet’s eyes, but I didn’t give a shit. Juliet knew how much it hurt me when Freya left. She knew that I lost my shit and was drowning without her. Juliet saw the money our parents threw around after my drunken accident. Worst of all, Juliet knew how devastated I was because I thought Freya cheated on me.

  “Does Prescott know?”

  Juliet shook her head. My father was there for me after Freya left. He told me he was sorry and that he liked Freya. He could see we were right for each other. When my father found out I was paying Tim to look for her, he hired a P.I. to look up Freya for me, and when I got the news she was fine without me, I stopped my search for her. My father lied. I was drowning in alcohol, and I couldn’t see the truth was right in front of me.

  This changed everything.

  Freya never left me.

  She left to protect her family.

  She left to protect me.

  And I did not protect her.

  “I’m so sorry, Max. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  “Yeah.” I laughed bitterly. “And this whole time I thought the woman I loved left me!” I roared, not caring if the people inside heard me. Freya’s words rang in my mind. Yes, I left you, Max, but you let me go. I felt like such an idiot for believing the lie. Dammit, she was mine, and I was hers. All the time wasted because of a stupid lie.