“Shut up, Jake,” she screamed.
His eyes widened before he stuffed his hands into his pockets, waiting for what she was going to say next.
Now she had had enough. He had to stop blaming this on their baby.
“This child has nothing to do with what is going on. I was sick before any of this ever happened. I was sick before you even happened. And I was doing fine, but you did happen. I couldn’t stop that. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. What? You don’t think I love you just as much as you love me? Sometimes, I worry I love you too much. But I am sick, Jake. With or without this baby, I am sick, and yes, I did the most stupid thing ever, and I never told you. I was selfish to think that you would just accept this baby whether I lived or died.”
He winced at those words. She hadn’t even dealt with that yet.
“But I couldn’t give it up. I got greedy in thinking I could have you both when I obviously can’t,” she confessed, swallowing the growing lump in her throat. Not that it helped. The tears still fell from her eyes.
Jake’s expression seemed to soften then; his lips parted as he ran his hands over his face roughly.
“But why didn’t you just get rid of it, Jessica? We could have tried. There are plenty of other options out there.”
She couldn’t answer him. She was totally numb.
“I’m not stupid, Jess. I know what you are like. You would have told me if something wasn’t scaring you.”
There was nothing but silence between them, and even she knew that wasn’t a good enough response.
“For Christ’s sake, Jess, tell me why you did it?”
“Because I had a baby taken away from me before,” she blurted, before breaking down into an uncontrollable torrent of heart-wrenching sobs.
On sheer instinct, he glided two steps towards her and rested his hands on her arms to stop her from shaking, seating her in the leather chair behind them. He got down on his knees in front of her and removed the strands of auburn curls that were sticking to her wet cheeks.
“What are you talking about?”
She tilted her head so that her eyes were level with his and moistened her lips before nervously biting down on them. She had already blurted that much; she may as well explain now.
“I don’t need to tell you about what Rob did to me,” she breathed. “But four months before we broke up, I found out I was pregnant.”
She felt Jake’s heavy breath across her face. She lowered her head and fumbled with a loose thread on her blouse.
“It was supposed to change things. He was great when we first found out. And I was getting what I always wanted. I was going to be a mother. He promised me everything would be different. I probably should have known.” She shrugged helplessly. “But one night I came home, and he just flipped, and I was the only thing in sight he could pick his mood out on. It turned out our baby really fell in for it. So, when I found out I was pregnant this time, I knew if I told you I was sick, you would choose my life over the baby. And I couldn’t let another man take that away from me, Jake. I suppose what really made my decision final was that it was yours. I loved you too much. Maybe I thought I would get back what he had taken away from me.” Her face felt sticky from where the tears were beginning to dry.
Jessica still had not looked up at him. Truthfully, all she wanted to do was fall into his arms and for him to tell her that everything was going to be okay; that they could get through this together.
“Jess, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I told nobody until now. As you have probably already guessed, I am surprisingly good at keeping things to myself.” A smile edged at the corner of his mouth in her best attempts to lighten the dark mood between them.
“Look.” She threw her hands up in the air. “I am truly sorry. And I love you. Nothing in this world could make me hate you. I did this to protect the people I love most, but it turns out I end up hurting them even more by keeping things from them. I did all of this to avoid the way you are looking at me now. I’m sorry,” she said, lifting herself from the seat.
She needed air, and fast. Her office was beginning to spin. She turned to face him one last time.
“I did this to you, so I can’t expect you to accept this baby, and now I know why you can’t. It’s not your fault if you can’t love it...”
“I lied,” he let out, taking a lung full of air.
“What?”
“I was mad. I was mad at everyone. I was angry at you, at Rob, at the doctor’s, but the only person I could tell myself was the real problem was the baby, when I really wanted to be mad at you. I couldn’t be mad at any of you. I was trying to make myself better by blaming someone, but deep down I realized, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Jess, I couldn’t stop loving you and that baby if I tried.”
She was dreaming, wasn’t she? This was the part where someone woke her, right?
“Jess, I love you and that baby. And as much as I refuse to let something happen to you, either way, I will be here for our child, no matter what. I can’t believe I was idiotic enough to make you believe I wouldn’t.”
Nobody was waking her up, and her heart was about to explode. She placed her palm against the door to steady herself. The only thing reminding her that this was real was the hot tears flowing down her cheeks.
She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t even think.
“Goddamn it, woman, say something,” he demanded.
She tried to part her lips and let the words flow out, but they got stuck in her throat somewhere.
Was he saying he forgave her or was she having a serious dose of her own imagination?
“Well, if you’re not going to say anything, I am going to have to take advantage of your silence.”
He stepped towards her. He was so close now she could feel his breath on her face. He lowered his mouth to hers, and every muscle in her body was going lax. It wasn’t demanding. It wasn’t urgent. It was devastating. The kiss tumbled her deeper and deeper, bombarding her with emotions she had no defense against. His feelings were free and ripe and poured over her, into her, so that she was covered, filled, and surrounded by them.
“I love you,” he breathed in her ear as he brushed his fingers through the strands of her hair.
That kiss totally crushed her, and there was no going back after that. She had never been kissed like that, even by Jake.
“If I am dreaming, please don’t wake me,” she pleaded, feeling fresh tears brimming in her eyes.
He chuckled quietly, deep in his throat.
“Baby, this isn’t a dream,” he assured her before kissing her to near death.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It was amazing how effortless life could suddenly be; sucking the most vulnerable into every inch of its perfection until they realize too late it brought them up just to let them fall. But Jessica refused to think of that now. She wasn’t going anywhere tonight or the nights to follow. She was going to stay right where she belonged, in Jake’s arms, in his house, in his heart, with their baby.
Something like that could never crush her. Something like that was truly effortless.
She smiled to herself, closing her tired and weak eyes, gently gliding her fingers over the growing bump as she listened to Jake make a racket with the cupboards in the kitchen downstairs. She sprawled across his enormous bed in sweatpants and one of his oversized t-shirts. She loved him with all her heart, but sometimes he was a complete pain in the ass.
“Jake, do the words ‘be quiet’ mean anything to you?” she half shouted, half laughed, unable to stop herself as he let out an exasperated sigh.
It was becoming easier to notice that she was becoming weaker and weaker as the weeks went on. The dark circles under her eyes showed just how much pain she was in, even if she didn’t admit it.
She had taken maternity leave from work the week before, as she reached seven months. Not because she wanted to, but because Jake insisted. After all, he was the one who was with her w
hen her legs weakened, her heart raced at erratic speeds, and her hands trembled as if she had just taken them out of ice water. It also didn’t help that she was now carrying a baby who thought it was training for a rugby team.
They made an agreement with her doctors that they would bring her into the hospital at 34 weeks to carry out a caesarean section, deliver the baby, and perform a complete hysterectomy. They wanted to deliver the baby earlier, but she wanted them to guarantee her baby’s survival. They couldn’t do that. Instead, they gave her the infamous line, “we will try as hard as we can.”
At least this time, when she made her sometimes insane decisions, Jake was right beside her to show his support. He loved this baby just as much as she did, and he may have fussed and rambled about the fact that she was giving the doctors less time to take away her cancer, but he also now knew where she was coming from wanting to wait longer. He sucked it up, knowing she was as stubborn as a mule and no matter what he said, she would not change her mind.
Jessica couldn’t stop the giggle bubbling in her throat as she watched Jake drag his feet lazily onto the carpet of their bedroom and throw himself onto the bed next to her. He lay on his stomach so that his face was just a few inches from hers.
He was tired and stressed; she could see it in the slight puffiness under his eyes. Even so, there was still a certain flame to his glazed orbs. He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, revealing some honey specs dancing in a fiery aura. He bit down on his tender lip and quickly scratched at his head. She crossed her arms, leaning them on her bump, grinning smugly to herself.
“Spit it out,” she prompted. She could tell he needed to vent about something.
With a long breath, he frowned, pulling his eyes closer together so that the bridge of his nose wrinkled. It looked like he needed to sneeze. That just made her laugh louder. But he said nothing. He glared. That wasn’t helping the matter either. She could never take him seriously when he looked at her like that.
Another glare.
She bit down on the inside of her cheek to stop the next eruption from exploding through her mouth.
You put your hand in lava, you are going to get burned.
“You are off work a week and you have our whole kitchen rearranged.”
Now she couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m sorry but had you noticed the state the cupboards were in. Nothing was where it should have been. What were you looking for, anyway? All you had to do was ask,” she told him, biting away the grin before it spread across her pale cheeks.
He shook his head helplessly and rolled his eyes.
“I can’t even remember anymore,” he confessed, stuffing his head into the satin pillowcase.
He said something else after that. She was sure he was cursing her, but she couldn’t make out his muffled sounds.
Jessica swayed, hitting her body against his playfully.
“Come on, we both know that it’s not the cupboards that are bothering you.”
He dug his head out of the pillow to stare at her, his expression serious but not serious enough for her to believe him.
“Jake, everything is going to be fine,” she assured him, touching the warmth of his skin, feathering her fingertips along his mouth.
“It won’t. You are going to the hospital tomorrow to have this baby. It’s not even about the baby. It’s about what they are doing after the delivery.”
“I knew it wasn’t the cupboards.” She smiled before kissing him softly. “Everything is going to be fine. Stop worrying.”
“But what if?”
“Stop asking yourself what if,” she demanded. It was breaking his heart when he thought about it like that, and she knew it.
“This time tomorrow night we are going to have a beautiful little baby to fuss over, no matter what the outcome is with me.”
“The only outcome there will be with you is that I will take you home, so we can raise our child together,” he stated firmly, furrowing his eyebrows in disbelief that she would even say something like that.
“I am just preparing myself.”
“Then stop.”
“Jake,” she pleaded, smoothing her fingers over her tired eyes. “We have been over this a thousand times. Can we not talk about this? We have a baby to look forward to.” She smiled, begging him through her drooping blue eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “So,” he blew out. Turning onto his back, he sat up against the headboard, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to tuck her closer to him. “Have you thought of any names for our little girl yet?”
He had changed his mind on the gender at some stage when multiple people told Jessica she was carrying high. Apparently, that was an old wives’ tale to signal the birth of a baby girl.
“It’s a boy.” She shrugged, feeling like this conversation was a daily battle.
“It’s a girl,” he fought back.
“It’s a boy.”
“Girl.”
“Does it really matter?” She flopped her head down on his shoulder.
It didn’t matter. Not to her. And they had already converted one bedroom into a beautiful neutral nursery, painted apple green and decorated with alphabet and animal wall paintings. The sleigh cot took pride of place in the centre of the room beneath a mobile with hanging stars.
“Of course not. I just miss how we used to always be at each other’s throats.”
“And here I am,” she said sarcastically. “I went from killing you to being pregnant with your child. What were the chances?”
“The chances were pretty big. I was just counting down the seconds until you threw yourself at me.”
“You are so full of shit.”
“I should have kept those panties you left at my house the first night we slept together, just as a souvenir to show you that I won in the end.”
“You only won the battle.”
“Crafty, Connors,” he said, suddenly swooping over her.
She looked to him, her bump, and then back again.
“Not in front of the baby, Williams.” She pouted, teasing him as she licked her lips lusciously, biting on the raw skin.
He smirked before lowering his head and devouring her with his hungry kiss.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Mr. Williams?”
A distant voice called his name, but he couldn’t move. Memories of the previous night swarmed around in his head. Everything she had said about preparing for the worst. How could he prepare for the worst? He couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not when he had just gotten her for good.
He could hear her laugh fill his ears and surround him like a warm honey coating, pouring into him like liquid pleasure. He could even smell the sweet scent that clung to her body, no matter where she went. The smell of vanilla and coconut burst through his senses in a wild torrent, driving him crazy.
He needed her back with him. He needed to hold her.
They took her away forty minutes ago, through the double doors. He had been pacing up and down in front of them since; eyes closed, fully dressed in a hospital gown. She looked so helpless, so lifeless—everything she should not have been.
Her last words, of course, were ones that made him laugh.
“Keep your eyes away from the nurses,” she warned before kissing him gently on the lips, telling him she loved him and then drifting off into her own oblivion.
“Jake,” the voice pressed.
His body jerked as his name finally registered. He looked up to see a nurse staring straight back at him, her crystal-like eyes scanning him like he had gone mad. She pursed her thin, red-painted lips, and he couldn’t help but wince as the smell of her cheap floral perfume invaded his nose.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, shaking his head.
“Would you like to come and see your son?” she asked, placing a gentle smile on her face.
His son.
Holy shit. He had a son.
“I have a son?” he gasped, staring at her with googly eyes.
“Yes, you have a son.” She was obviously immune to these reactions from new fathers. “A whole 5lbs 6 ounces of a son. Fine baby, considering he was born early.”
He couldn’t help the laugh escaping him, and his entire body burned with adrenaline.
Jess was right. It was a boy. She would be so smug right now.
“Of course, I want to see him,” he finally answered, realizing he had said nothing yet. “How is she?” His voice broke.
“She’s doing fine. Those doctors are miracle workers. It won’t be too long more, and they will be done in there.”
“Thank you.” He was grateful then for her soft smile and the reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Just give me a minute, I have to tell her family.”
He practically sprinted to the waiting area where they were all seated, including her brother; he had come home recently; and Sharon, a person he had never seen nervous, was curled up on the chair, biting her perfectly manicured nails.
A sea of awaiting faces stared at him, waiting for him to say something, anything but what they dreaded the most. They promptly stood up, ushering their way towards him. The only noise was the low hum of the television on the wall.
“They are still operating on Jess, but we have a boy,” he announced proudly, oddly surprised to feel a painful lump rising in his throat.
There was nothing but silence for a long moment until Sharon let out a painful scream.
“Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God,” she repeated hysterically. “She had a boy. She had a boy. And he’s alive,” she murmured the last part to herself.
A song of congratulations came flying at him, hugs and handshakes from everyone.
“Well, you better get down there and see your son, my boy.” Chris patted his back, the smile of another proud father gracing his lips before they made their way through the bright wide halls, hearing every step as it clunked against the tile floors.
The rest of them followed close behind. He met the nurse where he had left her. Taking a mental note to get her name by the end of this.
Watch Over My Life: Emotional Love Story (What Will Be Book Series) Page 22