by Brian Tracy
Your decision to become an agreeable and easy-going person will lower your stress levels and increase your ability to influence others to help you. You will raise the self-esteem of others and feel better about yourself, as well.
PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE
The second self-esteem-building behavior you can practice is “acceptance.” Each of us is conditioned to seek the acceptance of other people. The infant starts off looking into the face of his or her mother or father to see if he or she is loved, respected, wanted, important, funny, intelligent and so on. As we grow up, we look into the faces of other people to see how we are doing. We have a deep need to be accepted by other people, even by people we don’t know.
When two people meet, for example, either for the first time or in subsequent meetings, the very first thing that has to be established between them is a certain level of acceptance. We look into the eyes, the smile, the face and the body language of the other person, to see whether that other person accepts us and is happy with our presence. Only when we feel accepted can we relax.
Many social problems are caused by people and groups crying out to be accepted on their own terms by others. When you “step up to the plate” and express genuine, unconditional acceptance of another person, you raise that person’s self-esteem, you improve that person’s self-image, and you make him or her feel relaxed and safe in your company.
JUST SMILE!
And what do you have to do to express acceptance? Simple. Just smile. It takes only 13 muscles to smile and 112 muscles to frown. A genuine smile directed to another person says a lot. It says, “I accept you as you are, unconditionally.” When you smile at another person, he or she feels valuable, important and worthwhile. He or she feels better about him- or herself. And all it costs you is a simple smile, an expression of genuine warmth.
A Chinese proverb says, “A man without a smile should not open a shop.” Salespeople, business people, anyone whose livelihood depends on the patronage or the support of others has to learn how to practice acceptance in his or her relationships.
The Law of Reciprocity states that if you make people feel good by smiling and greeting them positively, they will want to reciprocate by treating you the same way. Willy Loman, in Death of a Salesman, said, “The most important thing is to be liked.” When people like you, they are far more willing to cooperate with you. The starting point of being liked is to like other people. And the way that you express that you like another person is by giving that person a warm, heartfelt smile when you meet him or her.
Of course, the hardest time to smile is when you don’t feel like smiling at all. But you can act your way into feeling. Even if you don’t feel particularly positive, if you force yourself to smile genuinely at the people you meet for just a few minutes, you will begin to feel better again. The clouds of negativity will break up and blow away. Gradually, your smiles will become more and more genuine. You will raise your own self-esteem by making an effort to raise the self-esteem of others, and you do it by smiling.
AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
The third step you can take to raise the self-esteem of others is by expressing appreciation. One of the deepest cravings of human nature is the need to be appreciated. Whenever you express gratitude or appreciation toward another person for anything that the other person has done, you make him or her feel more valuable, more competent and more worthwhile.
All it takes to express appreciation are the simple words, “thank you.” The words “thank you” are two of the most powerful in the English language, and the most powerful single expression in virtually any language. I have traveled and worked in more than eighty countries, and I have learned that you can get halfway across any country in the world by simply learning and saying the words “please” and “thank you” everywhere you go.
SAY “THANK YOU”
The words “thank you” have tremendous power. Each time you say them to another person, his or her self-esteem increases. Your thanks reward and reinforce his or her behavior. Your “thank you” increases the likelihood that he or she will repeat it. If you say “thank you” for small things, people will soon be doing big things for you.
Develop the habit of saying “thank you” to everybody for anything and everything they do. Say “thank you” to your spouse for everything that he or she does for you. Say “thank you” to your children for anything that they do around the house. The more you thank your spouse and your children, the more positive and happy they feel about themselves. The more eager they are to do more of the things that trigger your appreciation.
Throughout your day, say “thank you” to people who do things for you. Thank people for giving you appointments. Thank them for their time. Thank them for their comments. Thank them for their generosity. Thank them for their help. Thank people for everything you can think of.
And send “thank-you notes.” Thank-you notes are some of the most powerful self-esteem and relationship builders ever invented. When you send a thank-you note to someone, even one that contains only a few words, he or she often remembers you positively for months, or even years. You can set yourself apart from the crowd by becoming known for the different ways that you express gratitude toward other people, by the number of different ways that you say “thank you.”
Develop an “attitude of gratitude.” The happiest and most popular people are those who go through their lives being genuinely grateful for the things that happen to them and for everyone they meet. An attitude of gratitude clears a path before you. An attitude of gratitude guarantees a healthy personality and a higher level of self-esteem. And the more thankful you are for what you have, the more things you are going to have to be thankful for.
LITTLE CHILDREN CRY FOR IT; GROWN MEN DIE FOR IT
The fourth way to raise the self-esteem of others, to make them feel more important, is to express approval of them on every possible occasion. The expression of approval, or praise, is one of the fastest and most predictable ways to make people feel happy and proud. Giving praise and recognition to other people is the surest way to boost their self-esteem, to reinforce their behavior and to make them want to help you and cooperate with you.
One definition of self-esteem is how much a person considers him- or herself “praiseworthy.” Whenever a person receives praise from another, his or her self-esteem goes up like a thermometer on a hot day. Ken Blanchard, author of The One Minute Manager, recommends the use of “one minute praisings” throughout the day. He recommends that you “catch people doing something right.” And the more you do, the more effective and competent they feel, and the more likely they are to repeat the behavior that earned the praise.
Tired children who are praised and approved by their parents or teachers actually perk up and recover their lost energy. When people are genuinely praised by someone they respect, their enthusiasm and alertness increase and they feel much better about themselves. There is almost nothing that has greater power to raise people’s self-esteem and to make them feel good about themselves than the sincere expression of praise and approval for something that they have done or said.
THREE KEYS TO POSITIVE PRAISING
Praising is an art. Great leaders, successful business people and excellent parents are all good at praising. Here are three things you can do to achieve the maximum effect from your praising of other people.
First, the praise should be immediate. The sooner you praise an action or behavior, the greater the impact it has. Some companies make the mistake of giving people appraisals every three or six months or even once per year. But when you give people praise long after an incident has passed, it has very little effect on their feelings about themselves, or their future actions. So praise immediately, or as close in time to the behavior as you possibly can.
Second, praise specifically. When you praise a specific action or behavior, you ensure that that specific action or behavior is repeated. However, if you praise generally, as some people do, it has little effect on t
he recipient. For example, if you say to your secretary, “You’re doing a great job,” your words will have only a moderate impact. But if you say, “You did an excellent job typing and getting that report out on Thursday,” you will be much more likely to see future reports completed and sent out on time.
In praising children, the same rule holds true. Instead of saying, “You’re a great kid,” instead say, “You did a super job of making your bed and cleaning up your bedroom this morning.” Whatever specific accomplishment you praise, your child is much more likely to repeat. The rule is: Praise what you want to see repeated, praise it immediately, and praise it specifically.
Third, whenever possible, praise in public. If you must correct a person, correct the person in private, but praise the person in front of others. The more people that you praise someone in front of, the more it boosts that person’s self-esteem and self-respect. Awards and recognition given in front of large audiences of coworkers have the greatest impact of all on a person’s self-esteem and subsequent behavior.
People may work harder for more money, but they will crawl over broken glass to get more praise and recognition. All great leaders are aware of this and use their positions to dispense praise generously. It was Napoleon who said, “I have discovered a remarkable thing; men will die for ribbons.” Praise is a powerful motivator when given properly.
TWO KINDS OF PRAISING
If you want a person to develop a habit, such as cleaning up his or her bedroom or coming to work on time, you should praise the person every single time he or she does it. This form of praising is called “continuous reinforcement.” If you continuously praise the new behavior you want to see repeated, eventually the person will repeat it so often that he or she will make it a habit. After the person has developed the new habit, you can switch to “intermittent reinforcement.” Intermittent reinforcement means that you only praise the behavior every third or fourth time it occurs.
Continuous reinforcement, once the habit has been established, may sound insincere and can actually be demotivating. Repetitive praising may even cause the person to discontinue the behavior altogether. But intermittent reinforcement, once the habit has been established, can cause the behavior to be repeated indefinitely. It is the equivalent of “keeping the plate spinning.”
For example, to get your children to clean up their rooms, praise them every single time they clean up even the smallest thing. Make a big deal about it. Keep this up until the children start to clean their rooms voluntarily, or at least, with little urging. Once they’ve gotten into the habit of cleaning up their rooms, you only need to give them praise or approval every third or fourth time. That will be enough to keep the habit “locked in.”
ADMIRATION
The fifth behavior you can practice to raise the self-esteem of others, and to make them feel important, is admiration. Whenever you admire another person for something he or she has accomplished, for some personality trait or for some possession, you raise his or her self-esteem. Admiration is a powerful tool in human relations. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Everybody likes a compliment.” You can use admiration almost anywhere and in almost any situation. You can be virtually guaranteed that the other person will feel more important as a result.
You can admire personality traits or qualities. When you compliment a person for being punctual, or for being generous, or for being persistent or for being determined, you make that person feel more valuable and important. We are all proud of our positive traits. We are usually proud of what we have become. When other people recognize and admire us for these qualities, we feel better about ourselves.
You can admire people’s possessions. People often invest a lot of emotion in the things they acquire. For example, most people put a lot of thought into the furniture and fixtures they purchase for their homes. You can never go wrong complimenting a person on how attractive his or her home or living room looks.
People also put a lot of thought into their clothes. You are guaranteed to make a woman feel better about herself by complimenting her on any article of her clothing or accessories.
You can achieve the same effect with a man by complimenting him on his clothes, especially his shoes or his tie. Men usually spend a lot of time thinking about the ties they wear and selecting the shoes they buy. They will be both surprised and happy when you admire them.
You can admire people’s accomplishments, as well. You can compliment them on the education they’ve acquired or the position they’ve arrived at. You can admire the business they’ve built, or anything else that they’ve achieved.
Admiring people’s accomplishments raises their self-esteem and makes them feel good about you. If you sincerely want to admire another person for something, you will find endless opportunities to do so. Everyone has accomplished something that is worthy of your admiration. Your job is to find it and compliment him or her on it.
Let me add one note of caution, however. Only express appreciation, approval or admiration when you genuinely feel it. Never be insincere in your attempts to raise the self-esteem of others. People are like human lie detectors. They can detect insincerity across a crowded room. Don’t be guilty of it.
There is only one exception to this rule: An insincere smile is better than a sincere frown any time. But in all other cases, your compliments should be sincere. You must honestly mean what you are saying. If you don’t, people will feel that you are trying to manipulate them. If they do, you will get the opposite response to the one you desired. The other person’s self-esteem will go down and he or she will react to you with distrust and defensiveness.
These first five things you can do to make other people feel more important all begin with the letter A. The first is to be agreeable. The second is to express acceptance, to smile at people you meet. The third is to express appreciation, to say “thank you” on every occasion. The fourth is to express approval, to praise and recognize other people for the positive things they do. The fifth is to express admiration, to compliment people on their accomplishments, their traits or their possessions. This behavior on your part is the foundation of good relationships with others. Each time you practice these behaviors, you make other people feel better about themselves, and you, and you feel better about yourself.
“WHITE MAGIC”
The sixth step you can take to make others feel important also begins with an A, and it is attention. Life is the study of attention. You always give your attention to that which you most value, to that which most interests you, to that which is most important to you. Your attention is your life. Wherever your attention goes, your thoughts, your feelings, your life goes also.
In your relationships with others, the amount of attention you pay to them is the chief indicator of how important they are to you. You always give more of your attention to the people and things that you value the most. The opposite of attention is indifference. You ignore people and things you neither value nor appreciate.
When you pay attention to a person, you are saying, “I value you and I consider you to be important.” When you ignore a person, you are saying, “I consider you to be unimportant and of little value.” The very act of paying attention to a person increases his or her self-esteem. The act of ignoring a person lowers his or her self-esteem. Indifference often makes him or her feel angry and defensive.
A major cause of negative emotions is the feeling that we are being ignored by people. Being ignored, whether by a spouse, a boss or even a waiter in a restaurant, makes us feel devalued and diminished. This is why people who are effective in human relations are very sensitive to, and aware of, the need to pay proper attention to others.
How do you pay proper attention to other people? You practice the “white magic” of listening. Listening is the true measure of attention in human relations. Listening is the way you show how much you value another person and what that other person is saying. It is only when you listen, and listen well, to another person that you demonstrate to the ot
her person that he or she is valuable and important. The best leaders and salespeople, the best managers and friends, are all excellent and skilled listeners.
There are three main benefits to becoming a good listener. The first is that listening builds trust. Whenever someone listens to us, we trust that other person more. The fastest way for two people to build trust between them is for each to listen attentively and appreciatively to the other person. When you listen attentively, the other person likes and trusts you far more than if you don’t. He or she is then far more open to being influenced by you.
The second benefit of good listening is that listening builds self-esteem. When you listen carefully and attentively to a person, his or her self-esteem goes up. Whenever anyone listens to you very carefully, your self-esteem goes up as well. You feel more important. You feel that you are a more valuable person.
The third benefit of listening is that listening builds self-discipline. It requires tremendous personal mastery and self-control to listen attentively to another person. The average person speaks at about 150 words per minute, while you can listen at the rate of almost 600 words per minute. Active listening requires that you control your attention, and keep yourself focused on the person speaking. The more you can discipline yourself to listen without distraction, the more effective you will become in other areas of your life as well.
DON’T JUST SIT THERE!
The first part of active listening is to listen attentively. Face the speaker directly, rather than at an angle. Lean slightly forward, toward the speaker. If you are standing up, shift your weight onto the balls of your feet so that your energy projects forward. Watch the mouth and eyes of the other person closely. This tells the speaker that you are paying complete attention to what he or she is saying. It makes it clear to the speaker that you are fully engrossed in the conversation.