by Hamel, B. B.
“You know,” she says, “that’s not going to deter me.”
“Good,” I say, eyes flashing.
She smiles a little bit. “I’m going to assume this is your type of apology.”
“Go ahead.”
She sighs. “Can’t you be nice for once second?”
I clench my jaw. “Thanks for helping me yesterday.”
She sighs a little. “Yeah, okay. That’s good enough.” She gets up on her toes and kisses my cheek. “You’re welcome, Nathan.”
She turns and leaves the kitchen. I watch her go, a strange longing in my chest.
“Shit,” I whisper, turning away. I stare out the kitchen window for a long moment before pouring my own glass of water and returning to my book.
The problem with fucking her is, it’s never enough. One taste isn’t enough. I always walk away wanting more, thinking about getting more.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. But I can’t stop thinking about her, and I don’t want to.
17
Grace
“How’s the hubs?”
I roll my eyes. “He’d die if he heard you call him that.”
“What does he prefer? Hubster? Hubby the First? The Big Hubowski?”
“The Big Hubowski sounds good to me,” I muse a little.
Teresa laughs, pulling her knees up to her chest. We’re sitting in the kennels and the boarded dogs are running all around us, playing with each other, mostly ignoring the two random humans.
We like to do this on break. We sit in here with the dogs and give them a little human company so they don’t forget what it’s like to have people around all the time.
Mostly we do it because we both love dogs.
“Seriously, you’re married. Isn’t that weird?”
“A little,” I admit. “We’ve been fighting.”
“Uh oh. Already?”
“It’s sort of, uh, a fight we’ve always had.”
“Still. You guys should be in marital bliss.”
I blush a little and think about a couple days ago in the kitchen. “There’s bliss,” I say.
“Oh, naughty. Also, gross.” Teresa laughs a little and pets a curious little Schnauzer named Rex.
“It’s about my brother, actually. He doesn’t want me involved with Patrick anymore.”
“That’s a hard one. What do you think?”
I chew my lip for a second. “I think Patrick is my brother, whether I want him to be or not.”
“That’s true.”
“I can’t just… disappear from his life. He’s not going anywhere from mine.”
“True, but still. He hasn’t exactly been a force for good.”
“No, he really hasn’t.” I sigh. “I sort of hate him, honestly. I wish I could stop talking to him. But my parents aren’t going to and I don’t want to abandon them, so.”
“So you’re doing it, despite what the Big Hubowski wants.”
“Right.” I grin a little as Rex comes over and nuzzles against me. I rub his ears and scratch his butt. “So it’s a point of contention.”
“If you ask me, you’re both right. You all should’ve cut Patrick out a long time ago.”
“He’d probably be dead now,” I say.
“Maybe.” She just shrugs. “Better him than someone innocent, I hate to say it.”
I stare at the ground and I don’t disagree.
“Anyway, I’m sorry,” she says. “It’s not my business. You don’t want to hear me talk about how your brother should be dead or whatever.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “I mostly agree. It’s just, it’s not simple.”
“Nothing ever is.”
“Marriage is supposed to be. Well, not easy, but not this complicated.”
“Aw, it’ll be okay. You guys can work it out. I mean, Patrick’s not going anywhere for a long time, right?”
“True.”
“You’ll figure it out.” She puts her arm around me and gives me a little hug. “Or you won’t and your first marriage will end in a bitter, ugly divorce. Fifty-fifty chance, really.”
I laugh and push her away. “You’re not helpful.”
“I know. It’s just, we’re surrounded by dogs. You know what their biggest problem is?”
“They’re wondering where the food is.”
“Right. That’s what we should be doing. Just wondering where the food’s at. Instead, we make shit so complicated.” Teresa just sighs. “Listen to me. I’m so bitter.”
“Bitter, lonely old woman. How many cats do you have?”
“Like fifteen, but that’s not the point.” She nudges me with a smile. “Come on. You love him, right?”
That brings me up short. I look at her for a second, at a loss for words.
Do I love Nathan? No, I mean, I can’t love him. That’s absurd. We barely know each other.
But we’re married. As far as the rest of the world’s concerned, we really are in love. I hate lying, hate doing this so much.
“I think so,” I say.
She laughs at that. “Wow. Maybe you really do have it rough.”
“I should’ve been born a dog.”
“Nah. Short lives. And most are strays.”
“Okay, I should’ve been born a dog with a rich, doting owner.”
“There you go. That’s the ticket.”
We laugh and I lean back on my hands with a sigh. The dogs run around us, acting like morons, and I love them for it.
I don’t know what to do about Nathan. This is all so much more complicated than I thought it would be. But here we are, trying to figure this stuff out, and failing at it miserably.
The rest of the day is easy. We do our usual thing, see a bunch of patients, and I don’t have any difficult animals or unfortunate bladder situations, which happens way more often than it should.
I ride my bike home, still thinking about Nathan. I find him sitting on the couch, feet up, watching a basketball game. He looks at me as I walk in the door and mutes the game.
“Hey,” he says, the first word since he fucked me in the kitchen two days ago.
“Hey, yourself.” I cock my head at him.
“I was thinking.” Long pause. He watches me without a word. “We should go on a date.”
“Go on a… date?”
“Right. I mean, we need to get to know each other, right? We’ve been so busy fighting and fucking that I don’t know what your favorite movie is.”
“Is that really what they’ll be asking about?”
He shrugs. “Who knows. They might.”
I hesitate a second. I don’t really want to go on a date with him, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s stupid, but part of me thinks I need to keep him at a distance.
“Yeah, okay,” I say finally. “Sure. That could be… fine.”
He smirks. “Don’t sound too excited. Look, I’ll make it worth your while, okay? We’ll do it right.”
“Right?”
“Fancy dinner. On me.”
“You don’t have a job,” I point out.
“But I still have a ton of money. Come on, what do you say?”
I sigh. “Fine. When?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Of course.” He laughs softly. “You’re my wife, after all.”
I smile a little bit, turn, and run upstairs.
He wants to go on a date. Of course he wants to go on a date. Now, of all times, he wants to complicate things way more than he needs to.
But the idea of it doesn’t turn me off. Actually, it makes me smile a little bit.
I can try date night, at least once.
18
Nathan
I don’t know why the idea of date night came to me.
Maybe I just want things to go back to normal. Whatever normal actually is. I’m not sure I can forgive her for wanting to have a relationship with her brother, but at least I can understand it and get over it.
So long as sh
e keeps it outside the house. It’s disrespectful of my mother to talk to her murderer in her own home, and I can’t stand for that, no matter what. But I also can’t force Grace to give up on her brother entirely.
It’s complicated. That’s the real truth. Nothing is simple in this relationship, even if I want it to be easy. Instead of just going back to Canada and starting over, I decided to marry the one girl in the whole world that made my life way more fucked up than it already was.
And yet, I can’t help myself. Seeing her every day… touching her body…
Maybe I’m just fucked up and I should accept it.
Either way, I put on my nice clothes. Slim jeans, decent shirt. I spend more than my usual ten seconds on myself and when I’m done, I actually look decently put together for once. I meet Grace downstairs at six sharp and pour two glasses of whiskey.
She shows up a few minutes late, which doesn’t bother me, especially when I get a look at her. She’s wearing this slouchy light brown shirt, the top buttons undone to show just a hint of her gorgeous cleavage, and these tight dark blue slacks that cling to her body like heaven. Her hair’s down and done and she looks like she’s practically glowing.
“Hey,” I say, staring at her. I’m tempted to skip dinner entirely.
“Hey, yourself. What’s that?” She looks at the two glasses and the bottle of whiskey.
“I thought I’d propose a toast.”
“Oh, okay. Only the second time you’ve proposed to me.”
I smile a little and pour two drinks. I push one her way and she takes it.
“To peace,” I say.
She smiles. “I’ll drink to that.”
We clink glasses and shoot them back. Before I know it, we’re out on the sidewalk, heading south in the brisk evening air.
She walks close to me. I ask her about the clinic and she talks about the animals she deals with, the people that bring them in, and her coworkers.
“Teresa’s my favorite,” she says. “Probably my best friend there.”
“Yeah? What about the dogs?”
“I’m friends with them too.”
I laugh a little. “I mean, do you have a favorite?”
She makes a face, considering. “There’s this Lab that comes in sometimes. He’s so old but he’s the sweetest dog. I think he’s my favorite, but don’t tell the others.”
“Don’t worry. I can’t speak dog.”
She laughs and we turn a corner, heading up half a block before stopping outside the restaurant. She frowns at it for a long second.
“I didn’t even know this was here,” she says.
“Come on. It’s good.”
We step inside and it’s like going back in time. It’s an old school steakhouse nestled in the heart of South Philly, and it takes that old school approach seriously. The hostess takes our reservation and brings us back, walking us through a dining room carpeted in thick, plush maroon. The tables are all topped with white tablecloths, cloth napkins, little romantic candles, the works. We’re seated at a table for two toward the back in a cozy little nook.
“It’s packed,” Grace says, leaning toward me. “Seriously. Look at this.”
“I know,” I say, grinning. “There’s a reason.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah.”
The waitress appears and I order a bottle of wine. She heads off to get it while we sit back and admire the menus.
Well, I don’t admire much of anything other than Grace. I can’t help it. I’m still angry, still resentful, but I can’t stop staring. She’s pretty in a girlish way, pouty and gorgeous, but she has a seriousness about her. I thought she’d be a total pushover when we first met but she turned out to be something much more than that.
She catches me staring and smiles. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Seriously. You were staring.”
I shrug a little. “Just imagining you naked again.”
She blushes a little. “Cut it out.”
“Can’t stop me.”
“Nathan.”
“What? I’m just closing my eyes and all I see is your naked little body, pink nipples, dripping wet—”
“Nathan!” she says and I stop just as the waitress returns with our wine. She opens it, pours two glasses, and puts it on ice per my request.
I sip it and chuckle as Grace is bright, flaming red. We listen to the specials, which I think only makes Grace more embarrassed, although I don’t know why. Who cares if the waitress heard? I’ll just tip her well at the end.
We order and the waitress wanders off again. Grace gives me a dirty look.
“I don’t know how, but you did that on purpose.”
“I didn’t know she’d be back so soon.”
“I think you did. Somehow, someway, you knew.”
I chuckle a little. “If I had that kind of power, I’d use it for pure evil.”
“I bet you would.”
We start talking about what we’d do with a billion dollars, which is always fun and neutral territory. She thinks she’d open a free clinic for animals, and I’m pretty sure I’d buy like ten yachts.
“Biggest fleet in the west,” I say. “I’d just drive them around.”
“Don’t you sail a yacht? You don’t drive it.”
“Who cares? I’ll have a fleet. I can do whatever I want with it.”
She rolls her eyes and laughs.
This is the most relaxed I’ve felt in a while. I don’t know why we don’t do this more often. When we put aside all our bullshit, all the past between us and all the issues, we get along really well. I actually think she’s really smart and funny, and we just seem to gel perfectly.
Reality always comes crashing back, but if there were some way to stop it… some better way to keep all that at bay…
Food comes not long later and I watch as she takes her first bite. “Oh my god,” she says, mouth full. “Nathan!”
“I know.”
“Oh my god!”
“Right?”
“Oh my god.”
“I know.” I laugh and start eating my own steak. It’s incredible, like the best freaking thing I’ve ever tasted in my entire life. There’s a reason this place is packed.
It’s also obscenely expensive, but I don’t tell her that.
We talk more about living in the city, about favorite spots, about best places to eat.
“I do miss my apartment though,” she says. “I mean, I still have it, but I miss living there.”
“Yeah? What about it?”
“I just love that neighborhood.”
“It’s a good one.”
“My neighbors are all quiet and nice and, I don’t know, I like it. I have a ton of stuff back there that I still need.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Clothes and stuff. I haven’t bothered with any of it.”
“I can get it for you,” I say suddenly.
She frowns. “I wouldn’t ask you to—”
“Seriously. I don’t have a job right now. I can cart some of your stuff back if you want me to.”
She chews her lip for a second. “I mean, that would be great.”
“Tomorrow. Write me up a list of what you want done tonight and I’ll get it all tomorrow.”
“Wow. Okay, thanks so much.”
There’s a short silence between us. I go on eating, happy as a clam, sipping my wine and enjoying the evening.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” she asks.
I don’t know why that gets to me. I think it’s the tone of her voice, so strangely surprised and quiet.
“Am I really that bad?” I ask in return.
She shrugs and looks away. “I get it. You hate me.”
“I don’t… I don’t hate you.”
She laughs. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
I lean toward her. “I show it every time I get you off.”
Another deep blush. God, I love making her blush. “Fine, you like
having sex with me. I like having sex with you too. But I still think you hate me, a little bit at least.”
“Maybe,” I say, leaning back in my chair. “Maybe I do.”
“So why are you being so nice to me tonight? I’m not going to… I’m not going to change who I am. I can’t stop being me.”
I nod a little bit. “I know that, Grace. I don’t want you to change.”
“Then what do you want? Why are you being so nice?”
I chew on that for along moment. Truth is, I’m not even entirely sure myself.
Every time I think about her, I can’t help but feel a little angry. I’m angry about my situation, about her brother, about everything. But every time I see her… all that anger goes away.
And it’s replaced by desire.
When I finally relax a little around her, I find that I actually really like her. I mean, really enjoy being around her as a person. It’s confusing and messed up and I don’t know where to go from here.
“I don’t know,” I say finally. “I’m sick of fighting, maybe. I’m sick of everything.”
“Yeah,” she says softly, chewing her lip. “It’s all complicated, isn’t it?”
“A little bit.”
She smiles at me. It’s so sweet and warm and, god, I hate myself for hating her.
“Well, we’re stuck together now, right? I mean, we’re not going to divorce anytime soon.”
“Not for a while, anyway.”
“So we might as well try to get along.”
“Or ignore each other better.”
She grins at me. “You’re the one that’s always dragging me into your room.”
“Please. You’re bouncing around in these skimpy little outfits, basically begging for it.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, right, blame it on me for wearing clothes. It’s not my fault you have no self-control.”
“Maybe not, but goddamn. You know what you look like. Give me a chance and wear some long pajamas or something.”
She giggles and it’s so damn cute. “You’re pathetic. Just seeing my legs sets you off?”
“Pisses me off, more like.”
“And then you want to fuck me.”