by Hamel, B. B.
I smile at him, feeling like I’m going insane. But my parents are buying it and they toast along, and soon they seem to actually relax a little.
“So this is where you’re living,” Mom says to me, sitting at the table. Nathan’s in the kitchen, cooking away, while Dad sits in his happy place, which is directly in front of a live football game.
“This is it,” I say.
“It’s nice.”
“I don’t know how long we’ll be here. I think it’s only temporary.”
She laughs a little. “This house in this part of the city… honey, you’d be crazy to move on.”
I shrug a little. “It’s up to Nathan.”
“Is that right?” Mom says, looking at him. “Are you the one that wants to sell this place?”
He gives her a little smile. “It crossed my mind.”
“It’d be a shame, you know.”
I shift uncomfortably. She doesn’t know that this is Nathan’s mother’s house, and if she keeps pushing, I’m afraid he’ll snap.
But instead, he just smiles. “You’re probably right, honestly.”
“Such a pretty house and such a good location. Really, how did you ever find it?”
“Well,” he says, “it was my mom’s.”
That makes my mother’s jaw drop. He blinks rapidly as the realization sets in that she’s sitting in the home of the woman that her son killed.
“Oh,” she says vaguely.
He laughs a little. “I know, it’s probably a little weird for you, but don’t feel strange. I was going to sell because it’s a hard place to live in, but you’re right. She left this house to me and, really, it’s a great place. I was thinking…. I was thinking of staying, if Grace wanted to at least.”
I look at him, clearly surprised. “Really?”
“Really.” He shrugs. “We’re comfortable. It’s a great house. I mean, we don’t need to sell it. We can just keep it.”
“Well,” Mom says, blinking. “That would be, ah, nice. A good way to honor your mother.”
I wince a little.
“That’s what I thought,” Nathan says.
I’m so surprised I nearly fall out of my chair.
I thought he’d be flipping out right now. I thought he’d be purple with anger.
But instead, he’ s just smiling thoughtfully.
“Well.” Mom forces a smile on her face. “I think you should stay here then.”
The conversation moves on, driven along by Nathan. I watch him carefully as he cooks and talks, trying to find some hint that he’s getting angry or upset, but there’s nothing. He just smiles and laughs and chats with my mother, and the awkwardness of the house revelation slowly dissipates.
I don’t know what’s going on.
This should be a disaster. This should be a straight up, unmitigated, train wreck, nuclear bomb disaster. My parents should be horribly uncomfortable and Nathan should be insanely upset.
Instead, he’s happy. He’s cooking what smells like a professional and insanely delicious meal. My mother’s a little awkward, but I think she’s legitimately enjoying herself. Meanwhile, my father’s drinking nice whiskey and watching football, blissfully unaware of anything else in the world.
It’s like he planned it all. It’s like he knew exactly what to do to make them happy, and he’s going way out of his way to make it happen.
Eventually, dinner is ready. My father is summoned and the table is set. Nathan reveals the roast chicken, which frankly smells so good it makes my stomach do starving flipflops in anticipation. He serves a modest salad and gets my dad talking about his work.
I keep glancing around me, wondering if anybody else is wondering what the hell is happening right now.
But the chicken comes next, along with rice pilaf and some nice roasted vegetables. It’s insanely delicious, and everyone eats with gusto. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my mother reach for seconds, but she bashfully asks Nathan if there’s any chicken left.
“Of course,” he says. “As much as you want.”
She smiles, delighted, and gets another helping.
I sit back in pure astonishment. Even my dad notices that, for a brief moment, before he piles back in on the food.
Everyone’s finished, full, and happy. Nathan pours a final round of drinks and sits down, grinning at everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy or looking so handsome.
“Nathan,” my mother says. “That was delightful. Honestly, where did you learn to do that?”
“My mother,” he says.
“Well, she must’ve been amazing.”
“She was.”
There’s an uncomfortable moment. I let out a breath, almost relieved that it’s finally happening. It’s like all that goodness that was happening was somehow really awful and I couldn’t bear it at all. Now the real shitty stuff was here, and I’m finally feeling right at home.
“You know, Nathan,” my mother says slowly. “We really are… we really are so sorry about what happened.” There’s a note of sadness and I think that she might actually cry.
“We really are,” my father adds. I stare at them in frank astonishment.
“It’s funny,” Nathan says, still smiling. “This is actually why I wanted you two here tonight. See, I’ve been carrying around a lot of guilt and anger. A lot of it was pointed inward, at myself, and a lot of it was pointed outward. But I wanted you two to know that I forgive you both, and I don’t blame either of you for what happened.”
I lean back in my chair in pure shock.
Mom blinks rapidly. I see the tears starting. One rolls down her cheek.
“You don’t have to say that.”
“I know,” Nathan says. “But it’s true. I don’t blame you and I forgive you. I’m so sorry this happened to you two. You’re fine people, and I’m proud to be a part of your family.”
She loses it. In all my life, I’ve never once seen my mother cry. My father puts his arm around her and Nathan gets up and gives her a long hug. I sit there and stare and have no freaking clue how this is happening, but when it’s over, my mother’s smiling. She’s really smiling, not that tight-lipped thing that couldn’t reach her eyes, but a real, true smile.
Even my dad looks more relaxed.
“Thank you,” he says to Nathan.
“I mean it,” Nathan says.
They sit back down, drink their drinks, and the conversation drifts on to something else.
But a change fell over the room. Mom and Dad both look tired, exhausted really, but calm. Mom’s smiling, Dad looks content. It’s like Nathan forgiving them like that allowed something in them to relax.
When it’s over, Mom kisses my cheek. “Have a good night, honey,” she says.
“Drive safe.”
Dad hugs me and they leave together. I watch as they go. Nathan waves and shuts the door behind them.
“What the hell was that?” I say
He turns to me, head cocked. “What do you mean?”
“That forgiveness thing. What the hell was that?”
“I meant it, Grace.”
“I thought you hated them. I thought… I thought you despised them.”
“I did,” he says. “I really did. But I know it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t do anything to my mother. And they’re just going to keep holding that guilt inside of them one way or another. I hope that forgiving them might help them release some of that guilt, at least a little bit.”
“Nathan,” I say, and then fall silent.
He smiles at me. “Sorry. Maybe I should’ve warned you. But I wanted… I wanted to do that. For them and for you. I’m sorry, Grace. I really have been a piece of shit.”
“Grovel more,” I whisper.
He drops to his knees without a word. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it, and I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry, Grace.”
I step toward him, heart beating. “Say it again.”
“I don’
t deserve you, Grace. You’re a good person. You’re a strong person. I’m so sorry for the way I’ve treated you, for being such an angry piece of shit. I’m so sorry for it all.”
I stop right in front of him. He’s looking up at me, still on his knees. I tilt his head back. “Again.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m so sorry.”
I lean down and kiss him. Gently, so gently, just a touch of our lips.
But it’s like that touch breaks some kind of spell. He slowly stands and hugs me tight, holding me against him, and I cry.
It’s the first time I’ve really cried since my brother was sent to jail, and it feels so good.
He holds me until it passes. And when it does, I can see him in an entirely new light.
“Hey,” he says,
“Hi.”
“You okay?”
“I think so.”
“Good.” He kisses my lips gently. “I meant it when I said we can stay here. What do you think?”
“I’d love it.”
“Good. We’re going to redecorate though.”
“Oh, thank god. I hate that rug.”
He laughs and hugs me again. I smile and nuzzle up against his chest, feeling safe and warm in his arms.
This wasn’t the night I expected. This isn’t the man I expected. And maybe I’m not quite done being angry with him. There’s more begging ahead and definitely more soup.
But for now, this is good. My parents are happier, all thanks to him. He didn’t have to do that, but he did it anyway.
I have to admit, that was a big gift to give, and I’m so grateful.
The hug ends and he holds my hand. “Come on,” he says. “Let’s clean up.”
“Yeah.”
And we go clean up.
25
Nathan
It’s a cool, crisp morning. I’m in my best suit. My shoes make a clacking sound on the sidewalk as I go. My briefcase feels heavy in my hand. The world moves past me, flowing like a river.
I feel calmer than I’ve ever felt before.
It took a lot to get here. Maybe telling my father to go fuck himself and to rot in jail helped. Or maybe it was forgiving Grace’s parents and helping to release some of their own self-loathing and guilty.
Or maybe it was just making some soup then getting down on my knees to beg for forgiveness.
I know it’s not over. I know I’ll have a lot more begging to do. I’ll make it up to her, sooner or later. I’ll do things she never thought possible, make her feel better than I have.
But first, I need to get my shit together.
I stop outside of a large office building on Walnut Street. I stare up at it for a long moment. I’m nervous, although I’ve been here many times and they’re expecting me. I step inside and ride the elevator up to the tenth floor before stepping out into the offices of Lumen Touch.
The carpet is plush and the space feels quiet, although I know a ton of people work here. The receptionist smiles at me politely as I sign in and take a seat on a comfortable couch. Scientific American is on the coffee table along with Wired and a bunch of other tech magazines.
Makes sense. This is one of the biggest tech companies in the city. Lumen Touch makes special smartphone glass that’s designed to integrate better with human skin. It’s all super complicated and I’m not totally sure I really follow, but it doesn’t matter.
I did their taxes for years. They were my mother’s biggest client and brought in maybe ten percent of her entire income. They were always assigned to me every year, and I took care of them personally, made sure they were happy and on track.
I haven’t spoken to them since it all went down. But their CFO, a nice guy named Doug Watkins, comes to the door of the waiting room and waves me in.
“How are you, Nathan?” he asks.
“I’m good. Thanks for seeing me.”
“Happy to. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what we were going to do. After what happened with your mom…” He trails off. “I’m really sorry about that, by the way. She was an amazing woman.”
“Thank you.”
We step into his office and I take a seat. He sits behind his own desk and looks at me over his glasses.
“So, you’re aware that I’m no longer with my mother’s former company, correct?” I ask him.
He nods. “Yep, heard you left.”
“Well, I’m here because I’m starting my own shop.” I unclip my briefcase and take out the presentation I have prepared. It’s mainly slides on paper, and I go to hand him the pamphlet, but he stops me.
“Hold on a second,” he says.
My heart nearly fails. “Sure, of course.”
“Your own shop. Meaning you’re going to be in charge?”
“That’s right.”
“Will you still personally handle clients?”
“Of course,” I say. “I’ll be the only CPA on staff for a while.”
“And when you worked with your mom, you were the only one that ever handled us, correct?”
“Correct,” I say. “I did it all on my own.”
He nods once. “Okay. We’ll come with you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I have this whole thing prepared with rates and—”
“Charge us what you used to charge. As far as I’m concerned, there won’t be any change, and that’s a good thing.”
I sit there completely shocked for a long moment. Finally, though, I put my things away, stand, and shake his hand. “Thank you, Doug,” I say. “I promise you guys will always be my first priority.”
“I’m sure we will.” He laughs and leads me back out. “Look, you did a great job before and your rates were always reasonable. So just keep doing what you’ve always done, and we’ll be happy.”
We shake again and I find myself out on the street, standing there for a long moment, completely shocked.
I expected to have to fight to win him over. I figured they’d found someone new already or at least were going to look around at other firms first. Most big companies like that would never go with a brand-new business. And honestly, if he had listened to my pitch, I was going to ask for less than my mother’s negotiated rate.
But he’s right. I took care of them for years, all on my own. And now, with the payments they’ll make, I’m going to have more than enough money to start my own firm for real.
I laugh, feeling giddy and stupid. This was huge, so freaking huge. Getting my mother’s rate is an enormous win, way more than I ever expected. I can’t help but laugh like a maniac as I walk back home, my heels clipping on the sidewalk the whole time.
* * *
Grace is at work, so I get changed, and I cook. I make her some soup for lunch tomorrow. I make her cookies, just for fun. And I finally get started on dinner.
By the time she comes in the door, it’s nearly finished.
“What is that?” she asks, walking into the kitchen. She’s in her scrubs and looks absolutely gorgeous, despite just having worked an entire day.
“That, my dear, is dinner.”
“Dinner? You cooked again?”
“Get used to it.”
She laughs. “I don’t think I can. Seriously, Nathan.”
“Groveling,” I remind her.
She rolls her eyes. I grin and gesture at the table. “Sit down, I’m nearly done.”
“Let me get changed and shower first. I’m covered in dog.”
“Get going,” I say.
She laughs and heads upstairs. I’m smiling and humming to myself as I finish up. When I’m done and the table is set, she comes down just in time for me to serve the food nice and hot.
“This is amazing,” she says.
“Thanks.” I sit across from her and we eat.
We talk about her day. I’m practically bursting at the seams but I hold back. She tells me about her friends, about the dogs. We talk like we’ve always known each other, and it feels totally natural and real. I smile and l
isten to her and can’t help but watch her mouth as it moves, so pretty and full. She really is beautiful.
“How about you?” she asks. “I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about dogs.”
“Never.”
“Do anything fun today, aside from cook?”
“Well,” I say. “I started my own business.”
She frowns. “What?”
“I went to an old client today. They were my mom’s biggest client, actually. I’ve been doing their taxes for years and years, and I basically told them I was opening my own shop.”
“Nathan,” she says, her voice a whisper.
I grin huge. “They’re coming with me. And they’re going to pay me my mother’s old rate.”
“Nathan!”
“I know. I stole them!”
She laughs. “That’s amazing.”
“Seriously, Grace. I can start my own firm off this. They’re such a big client.”
“I’m so happy for you. Congratulations, Nathan. I’m so, so happy for you.”
She gets up and comes over to me, sits in my lap, and kisses me.
I hold her tight and hug her. We both laugh, stupid and free. I feel a release flood through me, strange and calming. I hold her and look into her eyes and it strikes me, all over again, just how much I love having her around.
“I always knew it,” I say softly.
“Knew what?”
“That you were great. That I’d love having you live here.”
“Yeah? Is that why you were such a dick?”
“Maybe,” I say. “I don’t know.”
She snorts but I shake my head.
“I’m serious,” I say. “I’ve always wanted you, Grace. But the more I got to know you, the more I realized…” I trail off.
“What?”
“The more I realized that I’m in love with you.”
She stares at me, her mouth hanging slightly open. “Don’t joke,” she whispers. “Don’t say that if… if you don’t mean it.”
“I mean it.” I laugh a little, giddy and free. “I love you, Grace. I know things are complicated but we just… we work. We fit together. Being with you is the best I’ve ever felt, even when I’ve been at my lowest. You can lift me back up, you can calm me down. You make me better.”