I sighed. “I guess I do.” We were quiet for a minute before I attempted to ask more. “Did you freak out when you discovered she was pregnant?”
“‘Freak out’ is an understatement. She was late… So, during the Christmas break she came over and took a pregnancy test. Nothing quite prepared us to see a positive sign on the stick.” He paused and cleared his throat. “We got away with not telling our parents for a couple of months while weighing out our options.”
I was trying to absorb all the information. “How did you tell them?”
Devin sighed deeply. “I went with her to tell her parents. I think trying to escape a shiver of sharks would’ve been easier. And preferable.”
“It was that bad?” I asked.
He sarcastically laughed. “Yeah, Dahlia, it was. Fortunately, she was able to finish out the school year because she didn’t really show until the summer. But rumors went around the school anyway.” He looked at me and said, “And we realized the pull out method isn’t necessary to do when the person is already pregnant.” He said it facetiously and chuckled.
I laughed a little, too. “Did you stay together after the baby?”
“No. She was forced to go to a private school. And her parents forbade her to talk to me. Can you blame them? Senior year was hell for me—because I loved her. And I missed her—a lot. She was my whole world then.”
It was hard to hear Devin profess his love for another girl—especially since we’d shared a special moment at the dance last night. If only I could be the one Devin loved, I thought. But the conversation wasn’t about me.
“Were you allowed to be there when the baby was born?” In a weird way, this was preparing me to meet my own birth mom. I could possibly hear the same answers. Maybe it was helping him to hear my perspective, too, and that’s why he chose to tell me.
“Yeah. I was there. Her parents, my mom, and my brother were all there.” He was about to say more, then caught himself, so I waited patiently to see if he wanted to tell me more. “I held her.” He turned to see my reaction to this news.
I smiled. This was probably the best part of his story. Now I wondered if anyone held me. He smiled back, as if it had been a fond memory.
“That must have been really hard. Were you worried that you wouldn’t be able to sign the relinquishment papers after you held her?”
He shook his head. “It didn’t matter. Her family made all the arrangements, and she had the final say. She had to wait three days to be sure of her decision, and then she signed the papers. It was my choice to do that—I mean I wanted to hold her. I think I needed to,” he whispered, his voice breaking just a little. It sounded like he muttered a curse word.
Quickly, I looked to see if he was about to cry. He looked off at the water again and pitched another rock across it with a lot of force.
“Where’s the mother of your baby now?”
“In college, I suppose. She called right after she graduated high school and said she was leaving for school. I didn’t hear from her again.”
Good. It was mean to think, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want her in the picture so that I could be in it. “Do you know the family your daughter went to? Was it an open adoption, I mean?”
“Dahlia, I actually don’t remember. I think I blocked out some of what happened. My ex might’ve met them, but I’m not sure. They couldn’t have children, as I understood it. I try not to think about it all.”
I swallowed loudly and said, “I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “The agency said she’d go to a good home. That’s all that mattered. Get on with our lives, and all would be forgotten. We’ll have more children one day, and it’ll be okay. A gift. We were giving this childless couple a gift,” he muttered.
“They actually said that to you?” I thought those were terrible things to say. How demeaning. They lost their only child. Their child lost her parents to go to strangers. A loss for both of them. To me, this wasn’t a gift.
I swallowed and said, “It’s like—like I lost my entire family in one day. But I should be grateful?”
He glanced over at me. “Explain what you mean.”
“What if my parents had died in a car accident on the same day as my birth? Would I be told to be grateful that another couple took me in?”
He scoffed. “No, of course not.”
“Or if my parents lost a child to cancer, would you tell them, ‘It’s okay, you can have more children.’ or ‘You can just adopt Dahlia, and that will make your grief go away.’?”
“That would be incredibly insensitive.” Devin shook his head.
I nodded. “Yes, it would be. But adoptees are told, ‘Be grateful.’ ‘You’re so lucky to go to this loving family.’ ‘You’re wanted.’ ‘They chose you.’”
“I’d probably tell you the same thing. I wouldn’t have known how you felt about being adopted.”
“Because no one asks. Adoptees are told how to feel about it.”
“I guess that’s true. So how do you feel, Dahlia? I want to know.” Devin watched my face, waiting for my answer.
“My birth mom carried me in her womb for nine months. It’s not natural to separate a mother and her baby. Maybe I’ve missed my birth mother but didn’t think I should. Maybe Mother’s Day makes me a little sad. Or maybe my birthday makes my birth mother sad. I don’t even know what I think.”
Devin nodded. “You feel a lot. Your parents should’ve asked. You suffered a loss and should’ve been allowed to grieve.”
“But I wasn’t. The harsh truth is that my mom got rid of me. She left me to strangers. For the record I’m not grateful.” I looked at him.
Devin managed to form a weak smile. “I’m getting a new perspective through your eyes. Thank you,” he said almost inaudibly.
I nodded. “I’m glad.” Then we were quiet, probably processing all said.
He cleared his throat after a minute and said, “Until this week, it hadn’t occurred to me that she’d care who I was.”
“Did it work? Did you get over it?” By his disposition and things said, I already knew he hadn’t. I just wanted to hear him admit it.
“No. But I signed papers to let her go to this family. At the time, I wanted to forget. I wanted to believe what the social workers were telling me.”
“What made you decide to tell me this today? Why me?” I whispered.
Devin surprised me and turned to look directly at me when he spoke. “Because of you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“What do you mean?”
“She was adopted here in Washington. I think I may have signed a form for no contact—I can’t remember. But I’m going to reverse my decision. I’ve decided to sign whatever I need to now. So when my daughter turns eighteen, if she chooses to, she can have my name and find me.”
Probably an hour had passed since Devin had started telling me about his child. But it was a lot of information to absorb, and now we sat in silence while he skipped more rocks across the water. At one point, he’d stared at my wrist and pulled lightly on the bracelet from my secret pal.
Then the red-haired girl, who I assumed also liked him, showed up. So we had to put the heavy talk aside and get up and head back to camp. This girl really irritated me, and I was getting to the point where I might tell her so.
We couldn’t even end our interaction with anything other than, “See you later.” Devin and the red-haired girl headed toward the rec hall, and I went back to the cabin to find Lauren.
I was glad he’d chosen me to confide in. Devin needed to tell his story to someone who understood. And I did.
***
The counselors got dressed up again tonight. All of them wore white dress shirts, black bow ties, and black pants. We had to sit by family group, and our leaders served us. They pretended to be waiters and stayed in character the entire time. This banquet dinner was the last thing on my mind after the intense conversation Devin and I’d had earlier. I hardly said a word during the dinner but was deep in m
y thoughts.
As soon as dinner ended, they cleaned up the room, and then the senior wills were read. Lauren and I were seated with Chase and a few others at the same table. Luke sat far away from me, and I noticed a blond sitting with him. It was just as well. We had another month in family group together, so I needed things to be less tense between us.
I’d casually scoped out the room and found Devin standing in the back with his arms crossed in front of his chest. Blake stood near him, so that had Lauren’s attention. Maybe we could double date them—in my dreams.
Whenever I sneaked to look at Devin, he never seemed to notice me and kept his focus on the senior giving the will. I wondered if he was keeping tabs on me, but I just didn’t know it.
Senior wills went on for well over an hour. Half of the seniors were leaving tomorrow. I’d be giving mine at the end of July. Some took this task very seriously and had all kinds of sentimental things to give away and say about each person.
This was Chase’s last night at camp, but Lauren wasn’t too choked up over it since she had her mind set on Blake. Chase did will her his blanket. Maybe she’d sleep with it but dream about Blake. Nothing was willed to me. Shocker.
As soon as the will readings were done, we headed to the last campfire of this session, which was located at the lower end of camp. I’d forgotten to bring something warm to wear, and I was cold. Chase was seated next to Lauren, keeping her warm. Once it was over, I got up quickly and told Lauren I needed to get to the cabin to get warm.
Walking briskly, I started up the hill with my thoughts consumed with what Devin had told me that afternoon.
“You look cold,” a voice said out of nowhere.
I hadn’t noticed Devin walking beside me at all, which wasn’t like me. I nodded while holding my arms, trying to get warm. We were now standing by the craft cabin.
“Next time I see you, you better be wearing my sweatshirt,” he said, giving me a look. “Sweet dreams, Dahlia.” Then he turned and headed to his room. Not even a hug tonight.
***
Awakening from a light sleep and strange dream, I rubbed my eyes, trying to figure out what the commotion was that was going on around me. Then I realized the guys were serenading us. We’d serenaded them Thursday night.
I wondered if I should go outside and see who showed up at our cabin or ignore them. It really wasn’t a debate because I definitely wanted to know who had come to our cabin.
Quickly, I sat up and got off the bunk bed to join the other girls on the front porch of our cabin. Usually the male counselors escorted the guys serenading, so no one got into trouble. Blake and a couple other counselors were there, but no Devin. Even so, the four guys from his cabin were there singing. And then an idea came to me, and I didn’t have time to think it over. If I had, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.
Creeping away from the rest of the girls, I slipped silently back inside the cabin. After removing Devin’s sweatshirt from my duffel bag, I put it on. Then I edged my way back to the cabin door and waited for a break.
When I thought no one was looking, I ran around the side of the cabin and down the hill, not checking to see if anyone saw me. If someone were to have stopped me, I’d planned to tell whoever it was that I was going to the bathroom because the one in our cabin was occupied.
Once I hit the craft cabin’s stairs, I took them two at a time until I was standing just outside Devin’s door. Taking only a minute to catch my breath, I finally knocked. There was no turning back at this point.
The door opened, and there was Devin, dressed in sweatpants and a long-sleeved white shirt. He seemed surprised to see me.
“I’m wearing it,” I announced, pointing to the sweatshirt.
He looked down and then at my face in confusion.
“Are you alone?” The lights were off, so I couldn’t tell.
“Yeah—the guys are serenading the girls. I think they were going to your cabin.”
“Good.”
Impulsively, I entered the cabin and shut the door. When I turned back to him, there was enough light in the room from the moon shining through the window for me to see that he looked nervous. I moved toward him while he stood waiting to see what I had in mind. The word fire kept popping into my head, and that’s exactly what I wanted to be.
“Why didn’t you go with them?” I asked.
He hesitated, then said, “So I wouldn’t run into you.”
From the way he said it, I knew that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me but that he did.
I took the conversation a step further. “Because I’m fire?”
Devin paused before whispering, “Yes.”
Upon hearing his confession, I impulsively pulled him close and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, backing him up to the wall. A large sigh escaped his lips as his arms went immediately around my back and held me. I pushed my cheek against his chest and listened to his heart, which was beating rapidly. His hands entwined in my hair and pulled through it.
“Dahlia,” he said gently. The tone of his voice told me he was confused about what we should or shouldn’t do.
I turned my face and pressed my cold nose into his neck, which burned against it. I wanted him to kiss me.
“Devin,” I whispered, “I need to know how you feel about me.”
He pulled away so he could look at my face. “You already know.”
He licked his lips and thought he might kiss me… Then we heard voices and knew the guys were headed back to their cabins. I let go of him to dash to the door, but he caught my arm and pulled me back. He put the hood around my head to conceal me, then gave me one last look. Then I ran from the craft cabin, down the steps, and frantically up the hill toward my cabin.
When I reached the cabin, I stood against the wall next to the door and tried to catch my breath. The sweatshirt smelled like Devin and made me smile because it brought to mind how things with us seemed to be changing. There was a strong possibility this wasn’t a crush anymore, but instead that I was in love with him.
Chapter Nine
July
Sunday – Week Four
Streaks of early morning sunlight were peaking in through a broken slat in the cabin’s blinds, giving me a wake-up call. I stretched and yawned while hearing rustling around the room as the girls began getting out of bed. Instantly, the room filled with loud chatter while they began dressing and at the same time discussing what happened the previous night.
Suddenly, I was a bundle of nerves, thinking about seeing Devin today. However, it was important from this day onward that anything that happened between us stayed between us—that is, apart from Lauren. I’d need her advice on how to go about things so Devin didn’t get into trouble. I didn’t want him in any even though I knew I was ready to get into some. The thought of seeing him at breakfast prompted me to get up, get dressed, and get myself out of the cabin as soon as possible.
Lauren showed up to get me for breakfast. “Your hair isn’t going to get any straighter,” she observed.
I realized I’d pulled the hot iron through the same lock of hair quite a few times.
“You must be thinking about someone.”
When I looked at her, she was grinning.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” I joked.
After unplugging the iron, I set it out of the way so as not to set the cabin on fire. Catching my reflection in the mirror, I smiled. I’d put on lip gloss and extra mascara, trying my best to look older by using more makeup than usual. Feeling satisfied with what I saw, I turned to face Lauren. With a quick smile at each other, we headed out the cabin door and toward the breakfast line.
When we arrived, we weren’t too far back in line, so a meal was a possibility within fifteen minutes. I was about to say something when someone gently knocked against me. And if it weren’t for Lauren’s smile, I wouldn’t have bothered to see who it was. When I did, his unique hair gave Devin away. I watched him move to the front of the line to stand
with a few other counselors.
“I think someone likes you, too,” she said barely above a whisper and nudged my shoulder.
***
Following breakfast, we had to clean up the camp, then say goodbye to all the campers and counselors who were leaving as the June session ended. New staff and campers would be arriving this afternoon for the second half of camp.
By this point, I’d only seen Devin when I’d passed the craft cabin. He was helping the guys who had bunked with him get their gear transferred. When they were finished, he was moving into a regular cabin and getting more campers this time around.
When he’d passed by me, it took everything I had in me not to run over and greet him with hugs. I did take note of the look on his face—it was different this time. Now he looked at me like he liked me.
Unfortunately, I could only daydream about the things I wanted to do with him. Our family group was in charge of sweeping and mopping up the rec hall since this was where we’d met all during the first session. It was time to get to work.
Blake was standing near me while I straightened up the book and game shelf—sort of dusting it, but not really. I’d promised Lauren I would talk to him about her and report back what he said. Seeing that no one else was within earshot, I kept my word and thought of a way to approach the subject.
While moving the duster around the shelf, I casually asked, “So, you’re staying for the next session?”
“Yeah, and you’ll remain in my family group.”
When I looked over, he was waiting to see my response to what he must have thought was wonderful news for me. I almost laughed.
“Great. And where do you usually go for free choice? In the afternoons, I mean.”
Blake smiled at me, and I realized it sounded like I was asking so I’d know where to find him. Next, I’d have to ask for a ladder to climb out of the hole I was digging for myself by asking these questions. I’d had a feeling I would screw it up.
“You’d like to know where I’ll be today?” he asked, lowering his voice.
Edge of Eighteen: A Slow Burn Summer Camp Love Story Page 10