The fatigue she’d felt before the burst of anger had fueled her drive here swamped her, and she dropped into a recliner next to the bed. Helena didn’t even acknowledge her presence.
It was all just too much. The tears broke free, flowing down her cheeks as sobs took over. A lifetime of heartache spilled out. A father who didn’t want her. A mother who left her behind as if she meant nothing. A grandmother too cynical to believe in hope or aspiration. Her own mistakes.
“Why did you make me this way?” she asked, the words raw as they escaped between sobs. “Why couldn’t you allow me to dream? To believe I could grab true happiness instead of doubting the motives of everyone around me?”
Helena didn’t have any answers. She never would.
Anna didn’t know how long she sat there with her unresponsive grandmother, crying her eyes out. By the time she finally expunged all her tears, she had a raging headache, itchy eyes and a stuffy nose. So that she didn’t look as if she’d come from the room of someone who’d just died she washed her face in the small bathroom. She paused next to her grandmother and wondered what her life might be like now if Helena had been the loving, sweet, doting type of grandparent. Like so many other things, she’d never know.
She reached out and straightened the sweater that had slipped off Helena’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to find happiness in your life. And I’m really sorry you ended up here, like this.”
She wasn’t totally without affection for Helena. There were even some good memories if she thought about it. They were just too often eclipsed by the not so great and Helena’s jaded outlook on life. How miserable it must have been to live one’s entire adult life that way.
Well, Anna wasn’t about to follow in her grandmother’s or her mother’s footsteps. As soon as she stepped out of this room, she was going to figure out how to forge a path that was uniquely her own.
*
Anna was so lost in her thoughts as she drove down her street that she didn’t immediately see the large SUV sitting in front of her house. She lifted her foot from the accelerator and considered circling the block, hoping the vehicle would be gone when she got back. As she drew close, she noticed the license plate was from Colorado and the man sitting inside was looking at his phone. Maybe he was a tourist who had somehow managed to get lost. That would take some doing considering Highway 89 was a straight shot from the interstate to the park and ending up on her street would have required turning off the main road.
She was so tired she was seeing potential threats where there weren’t any. Instead of giving in to that paranoia, she pulled into her driveway. But when she got out of the car, she noticed the man had stepped from his as well. She eyed the house, knowing she couldn’t unlock the door and get safely inside before he overtook her if he was here for some nefarious purpose. Instead, she stayed next to her open car door.
“Anna?”
Her concern ratcheted up. How did he know her name? She didn’t give him an answer either way.
“I’m sorry to just show up like this, but I wanted to meet you in person.”
She scoured her brain, trying to figure out who this man might be. Was he a bill collector? If so, bill collecting paid pretty well. But she wasn’t to that stage with her medical bills yet.
Holding up a hand, she said, “Stay right there.”
He stopped moving forward and extended his own hands in an “I mean no harm” gesture.
“I didn’t intend to scare you.”
“Who are you?”
He hesitated a moment and then smiled. “I’m your father.”
Anna stared at him, wondering if she’d cracked. Was he a hallucination? But he was still there after she blinked. This day had to be the wildest emotional roller coaster ride of her life—even more than waking up in a coma.
*
Anna needed sleep almost more than she needed air to breathe. She wished she could hit pause and get a good night’s rest before she had to face this man who claimed to be her father. How many times had she wanted to know who he was? Why he’d not wanted her? Now the answers were quite possibly across the small bakery buying her coffee, and she was so spent she could barely think straight.
She’d told the man, who said his name was Randall Stevens, to meet her here. No way was she going to let a stranger into her home, no matter who he claimed he was.
“Here you go,” he said as he slid a coffee and a cherry Danish in front of her.
She wasn’t in the mood to eat, but she took a giant gulp of the coffee. Hopefully the caffeine would kick in quickly.
“I’m sure you have lots of questions,” he said as he sat across from her.
“Why didn’t you want me?”
“Right to the point.”
“It’s kind of the most pressing question. I’ve been waiting to ask it for a long time.”
“I didn’t know at first.”
“But you found out at some later point.”
“Yes.”
He wasn’t exactly flooding her with information.
“When?”
“Your mother was about six months pregnant.”
“And you told her what when you found out?”
He took a breath and fiddled with his coffee cup. “I was a married man, already had two kids.” He said it as if that explained away his decision to ignore his third child.
“Your wife didn’t know about my mother, did she?”
He had the decency to look embarrassed. “No.”
She took another drink of coffee and then managed a bite of her Danish when her stomach growled from lack of food.
“I’m sorry your mother didn’t raise you.”
“She was a broken woman, always looking for something she couldn’t have.” That old fear that despite her best efforts she might end up the same way tried to claw its way back into her mind, but she mentally slapped it away.
“Tell me about your life,” he said.
Did she want to share details with this man who had waited three decades to deign to be a part of her life? She considered walking away, but then she remembered that as she slowly lost her grandmother Randall would be the only blood relative she’d have left. She thought back on all the times she’d wanted so desperately to know the identity of her father.
And so she began to tell him the life story of Anna Mae Kenner.
She felt as if she was reciting her autobiography. He responded in kind but admittedly with fewer details. Dinah McQueen, who owned the bakery, came by to refill their coffees and gave Anna a curious look. Anna managed a small smile to let the other woman know she was okay.
“So why search for me after all these years?”
“I should have done it years ago. I’m not proud that I didn’t.”
“But you didn’t.” Suspicion started to twist inside her. Something was off.
He clasped his hands on the table and took a deep breath. “Yes, there’s another reason for me being here now, and it’s going to sound like a selfish one. No, it is a selfish one.” He paused, took a breath. “I have cancer, and we’ve so far been unsuccessful finding a bone marrow donor.”
Anna would swear he’d punched her in the stomach. Had this entire evening been a performance, a way to soften her up and make her believe her father suddenly wanted to be a part of her life in case she might be able to save him?
It was all suddenly too much. This day had frayed every single one of her nerves, and she had to get out of here. She nearly knocked her chair over in her haste to get away from this man, this stranger who had contributed nothing more to her life than some DNA.
Randall started to stand, too. “Anna?”
She held out a hand to stop him. “No, don’t. I can’t handle this right now.”
Before she could have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the bakery, she hurried toward the exit. It was possible she looked wild-eyed crazy as she nearly ran toward her car, but at the moment she didn’t care. She needed to be alone, away f
rom every single person on the planet. If she was alone, no one could hurt her.
*
Roman wanted to go to sleep, then wake up in the morning with the answers to what he should do about Anna. Based on what Kailee had said, he didn’t think he had imagined how Anna was affected by seeing him with Kailee. But did that mean she regretted nixing any sort of romantic relationship between them? He didn’t want to push, but his gut was telling him that all was not as it seemed on the surface.
He leaned his head against the back of his couch. His eyes had just drifted closed when his phone rang, startling him out of his meandering thoughts. His heart rate picked up at the thought that maybe it was Anna calling, that she was taking the initiative and he wouldn’t have to figure out the right step, if any, to take himself. But it was Dinah’s number on the phone display.
Maybe talking to his cousin would take his mind off things for a few minutes.
“Hey,” he said in answer.
“Hey, yourself. Where are you now?”
“Um, home. Where should I be?” Had he somehow forgotten some sort of family gathering?
“Nowhere. I mean…listen, I just witnessed something and I’m not sure I should tell you because I don’t know where you and Anna stand right now.”
“Current status could be described as acquaintances.” No reason to tell her about running into Anna in the park and the look he’d seen on her face. “But what’s going on? Is something wrong?”
“Anna came into the bakery earlier with an older guy, like mid-fifties or early sixties maybe. I’m terrible at guessing ages. They sat and talked for quite a while, and Anna just had this look about her—like she had these invisible walls up around her or something. And then he must have said something that upset her because she stood up suddenly and then left in a hurry.”
Roman was already on his feet, pacing. “Did he follow her?”
“No. It looked like she told him to stay, and he did. But Roman, the look on her face when she left. It was as if she’d been shattered. I couldn’t go after her myself, and I didn’t know who else to call. I tried Paige, but I didn’t get an answer.”
“It’s fine. I’ll check on her.”
But when he hung up and dialed Anna’s number, he was already out the front door and running to his truck. When she didn’t answer, he left her a message that he was on his way, to call him because he was worried about her, that Dinah had called him concerned about her. He tried not to panic as he broke the speed limit by a considerable margin as he drove toward Logan Springs.
*
Every time she didn’t think she had any tears left, Anna proved herself wrong. She lay curled up in the middle of her bed wishing she could magically transport herself to the other side of the world, to an entirely different life. Just as she’d made the decision to break free of her grandmother’s thinking, her father walked back into her life and gave her hope that maybe she could have family again. But he only cared about what she could give him after a lifetime of him not giving her anything, not even acknowledgment of her existence.
Though she didn’t feel like moving, the need to go to the bathroom forced her to. When she was done and caught sight of herself in the mirror, she looked dreadful. Red, swollen eyes. Splotchy skin. Messy hair. And her head pounded as if there were tiny men inside her head hammering on her skull.
She turned on the water and washed her hands and then her face. As she was drying off, she heard her phone ringing from where she’d left it on the kitchen table. She wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, least of all the man who claimed to be her father, so she ignored it.
But as she left the bathroom, someone started knocking on the front door. She froze. Was Randall a violent man? Would he try to force her to give him what he wanted? She eased down the hallway and into the living room so she could peek out the window. But it wasn’t Randall at the door. No, it was her first heartbreak of the day.
She sighed as she walked to the door, wishing she didn’t look like complete crap.
When she opened the door, he had his hand up ready to knock again. For a couple of seconds, they just stared at each other.
“Thank God you’re all right,” he said.
Did he think she would hurt herself after seeing him with Kailee? Then it hit her.
“Dinah told you what happened at the bakery.”
“What she could see.”
Since he didn’t look like he was going to leave and she didn’t want to invite in mosquitoes, she stepped back and gestured for Roman to come inside.
“You’ve been crying,” he said.
“You’re really observant.” She wasn’t normally sarcastic, but she’d had one hell of a day.
Roman stepped forward and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders. The contact, combined with her frayed emotions, made her lower lip tremble.
“Tell me what happened.” It wasn’t a command, but rather an offer of a willing ear and potential comfort. Despite how she’d pushed him away, he was still there for her.
She’d only thought she didn’t have more tears to shed. The moment a sob escaped her again, Roman pulled her into his arms and held her close, rubbing her back. And she brokenly told him about her father showing up on her doorstep and her foolishly getting her hopes up only to have them dashed.
Somewhere in the middle of her recounting, Roman steered them to the couch. Though she didn’t tell him, the memory of that weekend they’d spent there together, watching TV, stuffing their faces and laughing, contributed to some of her tears.
She should pull away from him, but she just couldn’t make herself do it. He felt too good, and she needed to not feel so alone. She’d give herself a little while longer to soak up his warmth and comforting embrace before she pulled herself back to reality. This felt so nice, and it tempted her to believe they could have a future… But she’d seen him with someone else.
She scooted away from him. “I’m sorry. Kailee wouldn’t like this.”
Roman captured her hand. “Kailee and I are friends, nothing more.”
She sensed he was about to say something else, something she didn’t currently have the willpower to resist, so she stood and took a couple of steps away.
“Thank you for coming by. You didn’t have to.”
Roman stood. “Anna.”
She shook her head. “I’m really tired. All I want to do right now is go to sleep.”
Roman sighed and looked away for a moment, as if to rein in what he wanted to say, before meeting her gaze again.
“Call me if you need anything, okay? Even to talk.”
She nodded, more to get him and the temptation he presented to leave than any intent to take him up on his offer. When he closed the distance between them, she didn’t have time to react before he dropped a quick kiss on her forehead then headed out the front door.
As she listened to him walk to his truck, get in, shut the door, start the engine, back out of the driveway and head down the street, she didn’t move. It was as if her body had forgotten how, leaving her standing in the middle of her living room wondering if she would ever be able to take a step again. And if she was, what it would be.
Chapter Sixteen
Before leaving Logan Springs, Roman stopped to get gas. He wanted to find the man claiming to be Anna’s father and punish him for breaking Anna’s heart, for being one more person in her life to let her down.
As he was returning the nozzle to the pump, he saw Parker Varton pull up in his sheriff’s department vehicle. Before he went against his oath and did some harm, he walked over to speak to Parker.
“Hey, you got a minute?”
“Sure. Can I get a coffee first? I’m on duty all night.”
Roman nodded then leaned against the warm hood of Parker’s SUV and waited until he returned with a large coffee and a package of mini chocolate doughnuts.
Roman lifted a brow. “Doughnuts, really?”
“Bite me. I’ve liked these since I was a kid.”
“They’re bad for you.”
“So I’ve heard. Now what did you want to talk about?”
He told Parker what had transpired at the bakery and how upset Anna was about the ordeal.
“Can you see if this guy is who he says he is?”
“Yeah.”
When Roman got back in his truck, the reality of how tired he was slammed into him. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and go back to Anna’s, to curl up next to her. The idea of driving home and crawling into his bed by himself seemed mighty damn lonely tonight.
*
Roman left the hospital after his final rounds the next day to find Paige sitting on the bench outside the ER.
“Paige? Is something wrong?” He glanced back at the ER. “Anna?”
“She’s fine. Well, not fine, but then you know that already.” She patted the bench seat next to her. “I’m actually here to see you.”
Now that he knew Anna wasn’t a patient in the ER again, he lowered himself to the bench.
“I’m probably overstepping the bounds of friendship here, but I’m going to do it anyway because I love Anna and I want her to be happy. I think you could make her happy if she’d just get out of her own way.”
“So I’m not crazy in believing she’s hiding something?”
“I don’t know if I’d call it hiding. That sounds too nefarious or something. She’s just not being totally honest, and it’s not entirely her fault.”
He knew he must look confused because Paige turned toward him and held up her index finger as if to say, “Wait, I’m going to explain.”
“Her entire life, the only family that has consistently been there is her grandmother, but while Helena took care of all of Anna’s physical needs the same can’t be said of the emotional ones. Helena’s life didn’t end up how she wanted, and neither did her daughter’s, so she just got more bitter by the year. And she firmly believed that the key to making it through life was not to aspire too high, whether that had to do with jobs, expectations of other people, or falling in love. She shoved that thought—that people should only pair up with people of their own social standing—into Anna’s head from as far back as she can remember, so much that while Anna might not have accepted it as absolute truth, she’s always doubted her judgment of other people. So when she started falling for you, she kept thinking about how it was probably safer to deny her feelings because it would likely never work out.”
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