Dear Diary,
What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my parents? Why would they leave me alone with him?
You’re right. It’s not their fault. Maybe it’s my fault. But what am I supposed to do?
I thought it was over and sometimes I even thought I dreamed it all. Or nightmared it. (Is that a word? It should be.) I thought maybe all the memories were fake. My teachers always say I have a great imagination. Or maybe I’ve watched too many movies on the Lifetime channel with my mom. I always pray, asking God to make sure it doesn’t happen again or to erase the thoughts from my head. I’m starting to think he can’t hear me.
I can only remember bits and pieces from this time, just like all the other times. After, it’s always like I was a stranger, watching from outside. (So maybe it is all in my head? I can’t figure it out.) I jumped when he knocked and said he’d picked up a DVD copy of Pitch Perfect and would I like to watch it. I thought, “say no . . . tell him you’re sick. Whatever you do don’t let him in!” But he came in before I had a chance to move, and then my brain screamed at me to get out! Leave the room! Then I realized I’m old enough now to leave the house too. But where would I go? I don’t remember what I said to him as I rushed past him to get out of my room. His smell makes me sick, and I’m scared I’ll never get it out of my nose. Even shoving cotton balls up my nostrils doesn’t work. I still smell him. I could smell him following me. But there’s never any way for me to escape. When we first sat down, he acted normal and I thought maybe since he’s a grown-up now he wouldn’t touch me. He asked questions. How’s school? Are you still running a lot? Have you taught Lulu any new tricks? I started thinking maybe he wanted to forget too, and I answered his questions. Then the movie started, but after a few minutes, he asked more questions. Questions that made me feel sick because I knew he was the same. Have I been on a date yet? Do I have a crush on anyone? Have I gotten my period yet? That’s when I thought talking to him might make him think I’m okay with everything he’s done to me. So I told myself to go back to my room. To run. Close the door. Push something in front of it so he can’t get in. Just don’t talk to him. Don’t even look at him. And I was about to run. But then he asked about Shaina. She was at a sleepover, so I knew she was safe. But I still felt like I had to protect her, to make him not think about her. So I froze like all the other times.
I can hear his voice right now like he’s next to me whispering in my ear, but I don’t know what he’s saying because I try not to listen. I can feel his clammy hands on my face and neck. And I can feel him petting my hair like I’m a dog. Sometimes he does it too hard and rips out strands of my hair. I think this is what crazy people feel like.
The next thing I remember is staring at the TV and the sound of water running in the bathroom. When he came back, he grabbed the package of Twizzlers off the coffee table and sat down next to me. Then he restarted the movie. I didn’t really watch, because I couldn’t see anything. It was like when you close your eyes and all you can see is black, except my eyes were wide open. I think my brain was rebooting or something, sort of like at school when a computer freezes, and you have to turn it off and then back on to unfreeze it. I wish my brain could restart like that.
When Mom and Dad got home, Dad paid him for babysitting, and Mom wanted to know why I looked so pale and if I felt sick. I can hear them talking and laughing downstairs. I don’t know what they’re saying, but every time I hear his voice, I want to scream. I hate you! And every time I hear my mom’s voice, I want to scream. Do you know what he did to me? And every time I hear my dad, I want to scream. How could you let him do this to me?
I wish I could go down there right now and tell them everything I can remember. But what would I say? Where would I start? With the time he showed me the pictures? They’d probably wonder if I was sleepwalking again or if I was confused from a bad dream. Or why I never said anything before. And he would just say he didn’t know what I was talking about. And everyone thinks he’s so wonderful, so who would believe me?
Now the best summer ever is the worst. Why did he have to visit?
~Jenna
And after that, her entries in this diary all seem darker for weeks. Sometimes there are pictures instead of words. There are a lot of sad faces and hearts with cracks down the center. Finally, around November, she stops writing mostly about nightmares and memories and wondering if it was her fault, and more of the entries are about school and her friends and her dog and how much she loves running.
I skim random pages of all six diaries, and even though the entries seem to be about normal stuff, there are some about Thomas scattered throughout. She never says his name, but I know they’re about Thomas. The last entry in the final diary in the stack is dated June 2, 2017, so right around the end of last school year. So the one Keeley and Delaney read must be the next one in line, and Keeley said it was useless? How is it possible that there’s nothing in it that would freak them out even a little bit? Jenna never went an entire diary without random depressing entries.
I sigh and scrub my eyes with my fists, and then place the notebooks back inside Jenna’s bag. I’m even more confused about what to do with them now that I’ve seen what they contain.
If Thomas did something to Jenna, then the police will need to see these diaries. The problem is can they prove it’s Thomas she’s talking about? They’d have to question the entire family. And I know enough to know that not all family members are willing to go against their own, even if their own happens to be a worthless piece of shit. And plenty of people live in denial, much like Jenna described doing at times, even when the truth is staring them in the face. And those are my same issues with giving the diaries to Jenna’s parents. What if they don’t want people to know what Thomas did to Jenna? From what Jenna has told me, her mom is extremely close to her Aunt Lenore. So even if Mrs. Kemp wanted to expose Thomas, who’s to say her sister wouldn’t talk her out of it. Beg her out of it.
And what if Thomas doesn’t know where Jenna is? What if he never even saw her on Friday night? Would turning the diaries over to the police now hinder their search for her? Maybe I should just hold on to them until the police are done looking into Jenna’s ChillChat account.
Maybe my best bet is to share the diaries with Keeley and Delaney since they’ve known Jenna longer. Maybe they’ll know which of Jenna’s family members can be trusted to help her.
As I slide Jenna’s bag under my bed, my phone pings.
Keeley: We went back to Jenna’s because my mom found out about the diary and she made us return it . . .
Dumbasses. Another text comes through.
Keeley: We found out something BIG . . .
Something big? Then why the dot dot dot? I begin a reply asking what it is when another text comes through.
Keeley: The police are going to interview a guy named Jacob (can’t remember his last name). Jenna met him through the chat room, and they were talking on the phone too. Do you recognize the name?
My heart starts racing.
Leighton: That’s the guy she was supposed to meet on Friday.
As soon as I send the text, I smoke a cigarette to calm my nerves. But there’s nothing I can do about the guilt I feel for being the one who introduced Jenna to ChillChat.com.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Four Weeks Before Jenna’s Disappearance
Jenna sat at one of the fall-themed homecoming tables, making patterns and shapes with the fake leaves. She’d smoked and drank some vodka she’d been keeping stashed in her closet in a unicorn Pillow Pet before Keeley picked her up. The first slow dance of the night had just started, and she was already wishing she hadn’t agreed to attend. Tommy ended up going alone too, so he’d asked Keeley to dance. As far as Jenna could tell she was only one of about a dozen people not on the dance floor.
After her blowup at lunch on Monday, she figured that was it for her and her friends. Why would they want to talk to her a
fter the way she’d yelled at them? But for some reason, Keeley acted like nothing had happened when they saw each other at cross country practice, so Jenna just went with it. Then late Wednesday night, Keeley called Jenna to let her know that she wouldn’t be dating Eli anymore, which meant she’d be going to homecoming alone for the third year in a row. As determined as Jenna was to keep Keeley and Eli apart, she couldn’t help but feel bad for ruining things for Keeley, so that was the only reason she agreed to go.
Delaney was a different story. She hadn’t said a word to Jenna the entire week, despite Keeley urging Jenna and Delaney to work it out. Delaney’s stubbornness was expected and fine by Jenna. She had too many other things on her mind to worry about Delaney’s feelings.
When the slow song ended, “Party Rock Anthem” came on, and Jenna’s first reaction was to smile. In fifth grade, she’d choreographed a dance to the song for Keeley, Delaney, and her to perform at the talent show. Their performance was a hit, and any time the song came on when they were together, they’d break out the old routine. Her smile faded quickly when she realized several people were calling her name and waving her out to the dance floor. She shook her head, but they wouldn’t let up, and then Corbin was sent to get her on the floor. Despite her inebriated protests, moments later, she found herself next to Delaney and Keeley who were doing the dance, surrounded by all their friends. Since she’d been put on the spot, she did her best to remember the moves but had a hard time focusing through the haze she was under. She couldn’t tell if people were laughing because they loved seeing the old routine or because Jenna, who’d always been a great dancer, was a mess.
When the song ended, the crowd dispersed, and Jenna was left standing with Keeley and Delaney.
“You okay, Jenna?” Keeley asked.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because you seem tired or something. You’ve never forgotten the moves before, and you’re the one who made up the routine,” Keeley said with a shrug.
Delaney remained silent with her arms folded.
“I’m fine. I just don’t really feel like dancing and probably shouldn’t have come.”
“That makes sense considering this is a dance,” Delaney said in a snooty tone. Keeley delivered her a knock-it-off look, but Delaney ignored her. “In fact, why are we even on the dancefloor when we aren’t dancing anymore?”
“Great question,” Jenna said. “I’m just going to go back to the—”
“Hey! Keeley, Delaney, Jenna! Get over here so we can get a group shot!” Tina called from one of the rented photo booths.
Delaney headed over immediately, always ready for a photo op, but Keeley hesitated when Jenna didn’t appear to be interested.
“Are you coming?” Keeley asked.
“No, I—”
“Give me a break, Jenna.” Keeley grabbed Jenna’s hand and started pulling. “You’re going to be in the picture!”
“Hurry up, you guys!” Tina stuck her head out of the booth and yelled.
Keeley and Jenna slid into the booth just as the first shot was being taken. Then everyone quickly resituated for the second and then for the third.
When Jenna slipped out of the booth, her gaze fell on Dustin, and she froze. He was on the dancefloor with a girl named Phoebe. Jenna liked Phoebe, but Dustin had revealed once that he thought Phoebe was the second prettiest girl in their grade, right after Jenna. Suddenly, Jenna wanted to find someone with pot or alcohol to help take her mind off the jealousy and anger she was feeling.
“Hey,” Keeley said, “that’s nothing. You know that, right?”
“Dustin and I aren’t together anymore, so I don’t care.”
“What do you mean you don’t care? You and Dustin are going to get back together. I know it.”
“Yeah, okay,” Jenna said, tearing her eyes away from Dustin and Phoebe and turning to Keeley. “Hey, I’ll be right back. I have to use the bathroom.”
Keeley nodded. “I’m going to dance,” she said pointing both fingers at the dancefloor.
It didn’t take long for Jenna to find some kids who’d snuck outside for a drink, and even though they were shocked Jenna asked for some of their stash, they were happy to share. As Jenna made her way back to the dance, her phone buzzed.
Leighton: Are you done with the dance yet?
Jenna: Not yet. Will probably leave soon. Why?
Leighton: Wanna go to a party?
Jenna: Can Keeley go too?
Leighton: If that’ll get you there. :)
Jenna: I’ll get back to you.
For the rest of the dance, Jenna blended in like she always had, laughing and smiling at the right times. She even danced a little but decided she was done when she almost tripped over her own feet. After that, any lucidity she still had was devoted to counting down the minutes until she and Keeley could leave.
“There you are,” Keeley said when she found Jenna exiting the bathroom. “Are you still up for going to Corbin’s party?”
“Who’s going to be there?” Jenna already knew that even though Eli wasn’t at the dance, he’d be at the party. She knew Dustin would be there too.
“Well, everyone,” Keeley said with a shrug.
“Hey, I have an idea,” Jenna said. “Leighton told me about a party that’s going on in Glendale. I guess there’s a hot tub. Can we maybe go there instead?”
Keeley folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t know, Jenna.”
“Come on, Keeley. You know it’s going to be all couples at Corbin’s, besides Eli and Dustin.”
Keeley sighed. The idea of being around Eli and not being able to really talk to him since Jenna would be there didn’t sound like fun. And since Jenna’s argument with Dustin had only been a week ago, she finally decided skipping Corbin’s party might be a good idea.
“Fine.” Keeley smiled, glad that at least she’d be with Jenna at the party. “But don’t forget I need to have the car home by midnight, so we can only go for like an hour.”
“Yay!” Jenna pulled out her phone to ask Leighton for the address. “We can change in the car.”
As Jenna stumbled her way up the walkway to her front door later that night, all she could think about was the burning sensation between her legs. Her inebriated brain did the best it could to keep Jenna’s hand steady as she tried to insert her key in the door, but it was hopeless.
“Jenna Kathleen! Where have you been?” Bonnie yelled as she pulled open the door.
“I’m sorry . . . my key wouldn’t . . .” Jenna mumbled the rest of her sentence as she staggered into the kitchen for some water.
“Are you drunk? Joseph! Joseph, she’s home!”
When Jenna lowered the water bottle, she’d guzzled over half of, her parents were standing at the counter staring at her.
“Sorry, I’m—”
“Sorry? You’re sorry?” Bonnie yelled, circling the counter and stopping in front of Jenna. Then in a measured voice, she said, “It’s two o’clock in the morning. Where the hell were you?”
“I went to a party. Keeley was—”
“Don’t you dare lie to me. I’ve already called Keeley’s and Delaney’s parents who’ve confirmed that your friends are asleep in their beds.”
“But . . .” Jenna’s brow creased. “Keeley was at the party with me. She just left earlier than I did.” Jenna tried to walk around Bonnie, but Bonnie blocked her path.
“Where was this party and who have you been with?”
“Leighton and some kids she knows who go to a school in Glendale.”
“Well, who drove you home? And were they even sober? And what have you been doing this whole time? My God, Jenna, I figured now that you and Dustin are broken up that we wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore! But now this and . . .” Bonnie’s voice trailed off, and she walked back to the counter where Jenna’s dad was squeezing the back of his neck, a pained expression on his face.
Jenna stared at her mom, stunned that she’d brought up Dustin. She wanted to laugh w
hen she thought about all the arguments they’d had over the summer about her and Dustin spending too much time alone together because her mom was worried they were having sex. Little did Bonnie know, Dustin had been helping Jenna maintain her innocence. Jenna could only imagine what her mom would do if she found out Jenna’s own cousin had stolen that innocence a long time ago, or that she’d just made out with a senior from Glendale High School who she’d probably never see again.
“Jenna,” her dad said, “we’re extremely disappointed in you for coming home so late, but we need to talk to you about something else right now. Can you please come over to the table?” Her mom and dad turned away from the counter and took seats at the table themselves.
Confused, Jenna walked over, and when she saw what was lying in the center of it, she gasped and rushed forward to grab it.
“No,” her mom said sternly, moving to swipe Jenna’s diary before she could get her hands on it. But Jenna was too fast, and now she stood there gripping all of her secrets to her chest.
“How could you read my diary?” Jenna yelled, eyeing the bottle of Tylenol PM still on the table.
“It’s two in the morning, and your friends all went home at midnight! What else were we supposed to do?”
“That doesn’t even make any sense! How about NOT invade my privacy?! I can’t believe you would do this!”
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