Fucking, fucking, Christ.
I took us into my room, kicked the door shut, settled on the bed with my back to the wall, and Autumn on my lap. She burrowed in, pressing her forehead to my throat and I held on tight. The poison in my gut started to churn, reminding me the stolen moments I had with Autumn were just that—stolen. She wasn’t mine, never would be.
We sat in silence for a long time, long enough for the poison to start to evaporate, long enough for the unwelcomed need to creep in, long enough for me to wonder if she’d fallen asleep.
“Babe?”
“Huh?”
“We need to talk about what just happened.”
“He hates me.”
There was no emotion in those three words. No sadness, no anger, nothing. Just like Autumn—blank.
“He doesn’t. He’s worried about you. They all are.”
We all are.
Not that I’d admit that out loud, especially while she was on my lap curled into me.
“Will you find out what’s wrong with Emmy?” she whispered.
That question was full of pain. The only time there was ever inflection in her voice was when she talked about her sister. Not that I ever asked or we’d ever talked about Emmy, but on the few occasions I’d seen the sisters together, Autumn changed, softened. Even if it was only a fraction.
“Yeah, I will.”
“Thanks.”
“We’re gonna have to figure out a way for all of us to work together. We can’t—”
“I think I should leave.”
Panic boiled to the surface, the strength of it rocked me to my core, and before I could think better of it, my arms tightened around her. Like I could fuse her to me, solder us together so she’d never leave. Never walk away and abandon me.
Fucking hell.
“No,” I denied. “You’re not leaving.”
“Dec—”
“No, Autumn, you’re not taking this on alone. I know you’re perfectly capable, I know you’re smart, I know in the past you’ve worked alone and never missed your target. But this time, you’re not alone. We’re in this together.”
“There’s no we, Declan. You know that’s not what this is.” Autumn’s hand moved to the left side of my chest and she rested her palm over my tattoo.
Pain seared through me as she made her point. She’d seen the violet inked on my skin, she’d traced it with her finger, she’d placed her lips on it. And every time, she created a cyclone of torture. Autumn had never asked because that was not what we had. We didn’t talk, we didn’t inquire about the past, we didn’t try to fix each other.
We had mind-numbing, fantastic, impersonal sex. The only kind either of us could take. I knew her limits, I knew why she had them. Not because she’d told me but because I knew what’d been done to her the two months she was enslaved. Autumn learned mine quickly, she understood without me telling her. I didn’t like to be touched—not gently, not caressed, not held on to.
Except I’d allowed her access to the one part of me that no one else had—my daughter. My beautiful Violet. She had no clue what that violet really meant, how when she touched it so sweetly it burned my soul.
My beautiful Violet.
Autumn was absolutely right, there was no we, there never could be. Not after what I’d lost, what I’d failed to protect, and in the years since, the man I became was incapable of giving anything.
“I know what we have. But that doesn’t change anything. You’re not taking on Omni by yourself. And when I say we, I mean the team. We’re taking your back on this, and in return, you’re taking ours.”
Even as I said the words they felt wrong. I wasn’t so sure I knew anything anymore. I couldn’t keep her but the thought of her walking away grated like sandpaper. It shredded what was left of my heart. Tore at what was left of my humanity.
I had no right, but I needed Autumn with a fierceness that scared the fuck out of me.
She was the only one who quieted the storm.
Chapter 7
Declan’s heart pounded under my hand, the rhythm matched what was happening in my chest. The thump was painful, but hearing him confirm that we were nothing hurt more than it should. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t have hurt at all.
Nothing hurt me, not anymore. Years ago I learned how to close down and shut off. I found it was a skill that wasn’t hard to master, not when you didn’t want to feel. Not when you didn’t want to think.
No looking back. Only forward.
No one would ever have any sort of power over me, not ever again. No man. No woman. The only person I could trust was me, and right then sitting in Declan’s lap I was betraying myself. I was thinking stupid thoughts. I was wanting stupid things. I was allowing myself to think and that was dangerous.
I had a mission—we had a mission. They were similar but not entirely the same. I wanted to take out Madeleine Strotherby. Declan and his team wanted to dismantle Omni. The only part of Omni I was concerned about was the human trafficking—the rest, the money laundering, the politics, the drugs, their attempt at world domination I didn’t give the first fuck about. My only goal was to save as many lives as I could. The rest of it, the guys could have.
But to do that, I needed to pull my head out of my ass and stop all the stupid, stupid, what-ifs. Now wasn’t the time. No, scratch that, never was the time to play that game. I had what I had and I was who I was. There was no changing. I’d spent the last ten years by myself, locked in my head, and when this was done and Declan was gone, I’d stay there. It was a safe place to be. It was the only place to be.
Then why does the thought terrify you?
I shook my head in a physical effort to knock the thoughts from my head. It was time to buck up. I needed to talk to Thad. Then we had to get our heads in the game and kick some ass.
“I should talk to Thad,” I told Declan, and as soon as the words left my mouth his body tensed.
What the hell?
“I’ll go with you.”
“That’s not necessary.”
His arms tightened and for a minute I let the warmth of his embrace wash over me. More stupidity. But I knew the arrangement Declan and I had was coming to an end and I wanted every last memory I could bank. I’d need them. Alone was lonely and having just a small piece of Declan to take with me would cut through some of the solitude. So I was memorizing everything I could, filling my reserves so when he was gone I could recall moments like this when I felt safe. Something I hadn’t felt since I’d been kidnapped.
If I was a different kind of woman maybe I’d be able to tell him how much the time he’d given me meant. How all those times he’d left my bed to go home I’d ached until he returned. How I’d desperately wanted him to stay even as I was kicking him out. How just once I wished when the sex was over, he’d curl into me and hold me. I’d never had that, not once in my miserable fucking life had a man touched me with kindness. Not even Declan. We had sex the only way I could, the only way I’d allow, complete emotional detachment. Desire and pleasure—that’s all we had.
God, I was so fucked up I couldn’t even do something as simple as sex right. I couldn’t kiss him, I could feel his weight pressing me to the bed, I couldn’t take him in my mouth.
I couldn’t…story of my stupid life.
But there were things I could do—slit a trafficker’s throat without thought, choke the life out of a man who harmed little girls. I could rain devastation and destruction and I did.
At what cost?
Nope, it was too late for me. There were no what-ifs.
“Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you hear me?”
Stupid thoughts.
“No, sorry.”
“I said, I want to go with you to talk to Thad. I need to find out what’s happening with Emerson. Then I need to call Zane and make arrangements for him to go home and see if he’ll send Gabe to take over for Thad. After that, we have to call Tex back.”
“Thad�
��s not gonna be happy.”
Guilt ate at my belly. Just like always, I ruined everything. First, Emerson left Thad because of me. Then she stayed away. And now that they were happy and married, I was back to wreak more havoc on their lives. The sooner I left the better. Everything would go back to normal and everyone could be happy.
Except me. I’d move on and go back to the hell I’d created.
“I’ll worry about Thad. You start thinking about how you’re gonna amend your plan to take out Strotherby.”
“Amend? There’s no amending anything. She’s going down.”
“She is, absolutely. The revision is, how you’ll be including the team.”
“Fine.”
One thing I knew about Declan—he was relentless. He wouldn’t care what I wanted, he’d insinuate himself and his team and it wouldn’t matter what I said. And if I left, he’d find me.
“Hop up, baby, let’s get to work.”
Right, of course, the moment was over. And naturally, we hadn’t discussed why he’d carried me into the bedroom in the first place. Declan wouldn’t. He wouldn’t even address that, in a moment of sheer weakness, I’d allowed him to cradle me in his arms. Nor would he bring up that Thad had fired a kill shot. I knew Dec had seen my eyes brimming with tears. But he wouldn’t ask about those, either.
That was not who we were.
Who we never would be.
And it fucking sucked so bad, molten lava filled my stomach. The boiling fire a reminder that I was so goddamn dirty, I’d never have him.
By the time I found, or I should say we, since Declan had done what he wanted and went in search of my brother-in-law with me, Thad looked like he was in no better mood than he was when he’d stormed out of the house.
I glanced around the small courtyard and noticed a beautiful rock garden in the corner. The first time I’d been out there, I’d missed it. But then two mammoth men had been ready to go to blows, therefore I had other things on my mind. The space had been designed with peace and tranquility in mind and Thad looked like he needed both of those and there I was gearing up to shatter them.
“Sorry to bother you,” I started, and glittering chocolate eyes came to mine.
I bet when he looked at my sister, he lost the sinister squint and those deep brown eyes melted for her. Thad Bench was a good-looking man, he’d been good-looking in his early twenties and he was no less hot in his thirties. Emmy was lucky, she’d found the whole package. The one women all over the world dreamed about having. But best of all, he adored her. As in, unequivocally, forever, and completely loved her. I liked that my sister had that. She deserved it. After everything she’d given up for me, I needed her to have it.
Thad didn’t say a word. He just stared and I felt my armor getting ready to snap into place. The steel coating that turned me into a raging bitch in order to protect myself.
Stop, Autumn, let him see you.
“I…um…I want to apologize.” Thad did a slow blink so I rushed on. “How I behaved earlier was uncool so I’m sorry. I…um…need to work with all of you and we can’t do that if I…um…”
Jesus, could I sound more like a bumbling idiot? That was why I kept myself encased in a hard shell, being a bitch was so much easier than…whatever this was. Contrite? Normal? Human?
“I get it, Autumn.” He let me off the hook.
“Thanks. How’s Emmy?”
Good Lord, did my voice just crack? Toughen up, bitch.
Thad studied me a long time, then his gaze went over my shoulder and I knew he was looking at Declan.
He has my back.
Sweet Jesus, where did that thought come from? No one had my back. I was a loner, a solo act, no one, but no one, ever stood watch over me.
When his eyes came back to mine, the corner of his mouth tipped into a ghost of a smile. Tentative, unsure, hopeful.
“Emmy’s pregnant.”
I felt it start, something uncomfortable tingled. It started in my toes until it rushed up my legs, coiled in my belly, grew bigger, and slithered up my throat.
“Pregnant?” I breathed.
Did he not want the baby, is that why he looked so upset?
“We haven’t told anyone because there’s been some complications.”
“What? Then why are you here? You should be with my sister.”
“I should be,” Thad agreed and my heart skipped when he dropped his mask. For the first time, he gave me what he gave Emerson. The real Thaddeus, the man she’d fallen in love with. I thought I’d seen it before, the reason she’d taken a nose dive off a cliff hoping he was waiting at the bottom to catch her. And he had caught her all right—then loved her so hard it broke her when she left him. But seeing him now, I knew I never fully understood what love looked like. Not until Thad’s devastating sadness shone brightly.
“Then—”
“Straight up, Autumn, I’m not being a dick. I appreciate the position you’re in. I know it’s tough on you. And believe it or not, I understand why you’re not ready to reach out to Emerson. And I’d understand if you never found it in you to give her what she wants. But I’m here because this is what my wife wants. Whether you want her love and loyalty or not, it’s yours. She will never abandon the hope that one day you’ll find yourself free of this life. She will give and give until she’s exhausted then she’ll give more. She’s home pregnant, with a risk that she’ll lose the baby, but all she can think about is you. And because of that, she’d rather have me here taking your back than at home by her side. That’s Emmy. That’s your sister. And as much as it pisses me off, I get that, too. It’s part of why I love her so much. Her love knows no bounds. It is abundant, it comes without strings or stipulations.
“The only thing she wants in life is for the ones she loves to be happy. And there’s no end to the love she has for you. So, again, not being a dick, not throwing it in your face, or rubbing salt in a gaping wound you two share, but the only reason I’m here is to take your back and make sure when this is over you’re breathing.”
“She shouldn’t love me,” I blurted out as my armor snapped back into place and a toxic potion of ugliness churned and gurgled in my stomach.
I took a step back and found two steel bands wrapped around me.
No. No. No. No.
Terror shook my body until I felt like I was coming out of my skin.
Restrained.
“No,” I whispered. “Don’t touch me.”
“Baby.” I could barely hear Declan over the roaring in my ears.
The static turned into voices reminding me I was dirty, filthy, owned. Voices turned into visions, beaten, violated, taken, sullied.
Chained. Restrained. Used.
Unlovable.
Visions so vivid I couldn’t make them stop. Men. Groping, touching, taking, pain, blood.
Everything hurt.
“Don’t touch me, I’m dirty,” I croaked. “So dirty it’ll leak onto you. She can’t love me, Thad. Tell her. Tell her that all my filth will seep back into her life. Please, please, please don’t let her. She needs to be clean. I never wanted her to leave you. I’m not worth it, I never was. You’re everything she wanted. Everything good. She’s good. I’m fucking dirty. You need to protect your family. I’m no good. So broken. She can’t fix me. Don’t let me into your life.” My chest was burning, I couldn’t breathe, every inch of me hurt. “Let me go, Declan. Let me go before I ruin you, too.”
“Breathe, Autumn. Settle.”
“Let me go.”
“I’m not letting you go. Slow down and breathe.”
“Let me go!” I shouted, and with what was left of my energy I wrenched myself from his hold and stumbled. “Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t ever hold me down.”
“Baby, I wasn’t holding you down.” Declan put his hands up in surrender. “I was holding you so you didn’t fall.”
So you didn’t fall.
So many voices, so many visions. Buzzing and cracking.
So fucking br
oken.
Dirty.
I needed to get clean.
I had to wash it off.
Chapter 8
I watched Autumn run from the courtyard. Anger and violence churned, and in that moment there was nothing I’d have liked more than to be able to dispatch the motherfuckers who hurt her straight to hell.
“What the fuck was that?” Thad growled, and I turned to look at him.
He finally saw it.
His face said it all.
“That’s Autumn. That’s the woman she hides. That’s what happens when she’s forced to remember.”
“Fucking hell, it was like she was in a trance. Never seen anything like that, she fucking slipped out of the present and was right back there. Goddamn, she ever do that with you?”
“Fuck no.”
“So, she’ll open up to you.”
That was a big fucking no. But I didn’t want to discuss my fucked-up relationship with Autumn. I needed to go and find her.
“You don’t push her to talk.” He rightly read my silence.
“Brother, I’m gonna tread real cautious because she’s your sister-in-law. But that is not what we have. I don’t push her, she doesn’t push me. Neither of us set those boundaries but that doesn’t mean they’re not there.”
“So you fuck her and that’s it?”
“Don’t go there, Thad.”
“You ever think that maybe she needs to be pushed? That she’ll never get over what happened unless she’s forced to deal with it? Or are you all right with her living with that eating at her? I’d say she’s on a suicide mission, but fucking hell, that woman’s already dead.”
“Thad—”
“Don’t bullshit me. I remember what you told me. You said you’d give anything to have that life. That life being, coming home to your woman, to help her take care of your kids—”
“Don’t.”
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 5