I didn’t miss the excitement in my friend’s voice, which was something I’d always lacked. I might have felt some sick, perverse satisfaction, followed by crippling remorse, but I was never excited like she was. Ash was made of sterner stuff. She had an iron constitution. I was weak and could barely stomach the things I’d done.
Who was I kidding, I couldn’t stomach them—period. And now Declan knew my secret. So far, I didn’t think he’d told anyone but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. Why I cared I didn’t know. I just didn’t want anyone to know something about me.
What hadn’t happened during our travel was a conversation between Declan and me. He was giving me a wide berth. I was grateful for the distance even though deep down it hurt worse than the injuries to my throat and arm. Kyle had indeed sewn me up the first chance he got. Thankfully, it only required three sutures because I’d refused pain meds, and even though he’d numbed the area, I ached everywhere. And when the topical ointment had worn off, my arm burned like a son-of-a-bitch. But what had turned my body into a trembling mess was when Kyle had glued my throat closed. It was not the pain or the burn that had sent me into a ball of twisted anxiety, it was the knowledge of how close I’d come to dying.
I’d made a huge mistake, one I’d never repeat. Then that bitch Madeleine had surprised me and stabbed me in the arm. Thank God I moved in time because she was aiming for my face. I’d been impatient and opened the door instead of waiting for one of the guys.
And through that, Declan had said nothing. He simply sat with his eyes locked onto mine, blazing fury he didn’t bother to hide.
Now, back in my house, I still didn’t know what had Declan wrapped around the axles and I was so tired and strung so tight I didn’t care. He could go home and seethe in private.
We are nothing I reminded myself for the thousandth time. He is not my responsibility and I am not his. Fuck buddies—that was it.
God, that hurt my stomach.
“Remember to change that bandage tomorrow and—”
“I won’t forget, Kyle. Thank you for everything. Now get home to Anaya.”
“You’re a little bit of all right, Autumn.” Kyle dipped his chin and started for the door.
“I’m leaving, too.” Max’s gaze came to mine and I braced. “Just so you know, I like you, too.”
Well, hell, why did that make me feel warm and fuzzy? Big, bad Max Brown being cool. Who knew he had it in him?
“You’re my ride, asshole,” Brooks called after Max. “See ya around, girl. You did good.”
And with that, Max, Brooks, and Kyle left.
Three down, two more to go.
The two I didn’t want to face.
For different reasons but both with the same apprehension.
“I gotta get to Zane’s and pick up Emmy,” Thad started and I held my breath. Here we go. “I owe you an apology.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, I was a dick. I’m scared shitless about my wife. If she loses this baby…”
“She won’t.”
“It doesn’t look—”
“She won’t, Thad. And you have to believe that.”
Thad inhaled and I watched his nostrils flare before he jerked his chin.
“I’ve never seen the kind of love she has for you,” I told him, trying to keep my tone even. “Never. Not even when I was young with my mom and dad, and they didn’t ever hide how much they loved each other. But what she feels for you is so deep, so pure, so cemented into her soul, she couldn’t ever stop it. I am so sorry I took that from you.”
“It’s not your fault, it never was.”
“That’s bullshit and we both know it. Emmy left you to find me. And she stayed away because she was trying to fix me. I took ten years of your life and for that, I am eternally sorry.”
My brother-in-law’s face turned to stone, he didn’t like to be reminded of what he lost, but it didn’t change the fact he’d lost it.
“How ‘bout this? I accept your apology if you accept mine.”
I waited for him to say more, tack on another if, or make a demand.
But he didn’t.
“Deal,” I agreed.
“Good.”
Thad made his way to the door, leaving me standing in the middle of my living room stunned. That was it? No badgering me to talk to Emerson. No argument. Nothing. Just, good?
“Hey, wait.” Thad stopped, craned his neck, and his eyes met mine. “Will you…um…will you let me know how she is?”
“Yeah. I’ll keep you posted.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
His gaze moved over my face then over my shoulder.
No words were exchanged but the vibe in the room changed. It sizzled and cracked, buzzed with electricity. My stomach started to feel funny and my heart rate accelerated.
Whatever Thad and Declan were silently communicating hummed in the air, making it hard to breathe.
Declan needed to leave. Now.
I felt it, down to my bones, something was changing.
It whirled around me and I didn’t like it one fucking bit.
Thad silently left and I turned to face Declan.
“You should leave.”
He said nothing.
“Go home, Dec. You look tired.”
Nothing.
“Seriously. Leave.”
Silence.
Warning sirens blared in my head. The instincts that had failed me in Afghanistan were alerting me there was a clear and present danger in the room and I needed to flee. Run. Get the fuck away from Declan Crenshaw as fast as I could.
Then his eyes narrowed and I wondered if he could smell it—no doubt the man he was, he could sniff the fear oozing out of me. To him, to the shark he was, it called like blood in the water. I knew this to be true when he started circling. Not literally, but figuratively. He studiously stared, his eyes bore into mine, and I knew the fear wasn’t oozing, I simply reeked of it.
He needed to leave.
I wasn’t afraid Declan would physically hurt me, but he could emotionally demolish me. And the longer he studied me, the more I knew deep in my bones he was gearing up to tear me down.
“You need to take something for the pain,” he said.
“Huh?”
That was not what I thought he was going to say. Tremendous relief flooded me. We weren’t hashing out what happened in Afghanistan.
Unfortunately, that relief was short-lived.
“A pain pill, Autumn. You need to take one.”
“I don’t take pain medication.”
“Why the fuck not? I’ve been watching your face pinch in extreme discomfort for hours so don’t bother denying you’re not in pain. I see it, Autumn. Take a damn pill.”
He was wrong. I wasn’t in extreme discomfort, I wasn’t even in pain. I was in absolute agony.
But I still wasn’t taking a damn pill.
“None of your business, Declan. I’m tired. Go home.”
“Why not?”
“Go home.”
“Jesus Christ, woman!” he shouted. “I’m not going anywhere until you explain to me why the fuck you’d rather be in pain—”
“I don’t like to be drugged,” I snapped.
“Bab—”
“Shut up. You wanted to push. There you have it. Bad shit happens to me when I’m not in control. When my mind is foggy. So, yes, I’d rather be in pain and know what’s happening to me than be drugged and powerless.”
“And you don’t trust me to watch over you.” His gruff voice filled my small living room, bounced around the room and hit me with the force of a speeding car.
“What?”
“You don’t trust me to protect you?”
His unexpected question took me off-guard. But his wild eyes held my attention.
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind.” He stalked to the door, finally doing what I’d asked, but I couldn’t let him leave.
“No. Not never mind. You sta
rted this argument, now you’re following it through.”
What the hell was I saying?
I’d wanted him to leave. I didn’t want to talk—about anything. But that damn hurt on his face was like a fist squeezing my heart.
“You want me to leave, Autumn, I’m gone. I don’t need this shit.”
“And what shit is that? The big heaping pile you shoveled at me demanding I take a stupid pain pill, or you pushing until I finally get pissed enough to admit why I don’t like taking them. And in doing that, forcing me to tell you how weak I am and can’t control the bad shit that happened to me and I still let it affect my life.”
Now I was panting. I felt my chest heaving and that pissed me off, too. Why did I let him get to me? Why the hell did I care what was in his eyes?
It was not my business.
“No, baby, the shit I don’t need is you fucking with my life.”
What the hell?
“And how am I fucking with your life?”
Declan transformed—right before my very eyes, he changed. Gone was the man—rough, strong, rugged. And in his place was a beast.
A big, beautiful, beast.
And he was unleashed.
His hands tore through his hair, his eyes wild but in a new way—a scary way. His large frame strung taut, visibly quaking.
Oh, fuck.
“I can’t do this,” he snarled. “I can’t feel this. I can’t want this.”
His gaze held me hostage. I knew I should look away. I knew it and I didn’t and what came next ripped my soul from my body. It tore the muscle. It broke bones.
“You’re not her,” he roared.
My blood froze.
Anguish slithered up my spine, pierced my flesh, and infused my entire being with a toxin so potent I stumbled back.
“You have no right to make me feel what you do. No fucking right to make me want you. No motherfucking right…” His words trailed off but his sounds didn’t. His feral growl filled the room and I wisely ran from the beast he’d become.
Though I couldn’t go far. The house wasn’t big enough to escape the sound, I could still hear him in my room. But even if I couldn’t, I’d never forget. The torment, the suffering, the affliction were burned into my brain.
You’re not her.
No, I wasn’t her.
I’d never be the beauty that was his wife.
I’d never carry his child.
I’d never be any of those things to anyone.
I was an infection. Something that needed to be cast out.
Chapter 18
What the fuck was wrong with me?
Autumn.
That’s what was wrong.
Fucking, fucking, shit.
I’d lost it. Totally melted down. And fucked up huge.
I barely made it to Autumn’s couch before my legs gave way. My ass hit the cushion, my elbows went to my knees, and I hung my head in defeat.
In shame.
Absolute shame.
What the hell had I done?
I would’ve left if I trusted my legs not to buckle. No, that was a goddamned lie. I would’ve left if I was a better man. I would’ve walked out the door and never looked back. But I couldn’t. My body revolted at the thought. I was so fucked-up inside, my head was a jumbled mess, and my heart was black as coal. But that bond that tethered me to Autumn was tied so tight I couldn’t break it.
The woman was completely unexpected. The emotion she conjured up startling.
“Fuck.”
Ruthless pain invaded my mind and clogged my throat. Juliana, Violet, Autumn. They all swirled together until I couldn’t breathe.
What the fuck have I done?
What in the actual, goddamn, fuck had I done? I never should’ve touched Autumn. No, that wasn’t it. It wasn’t the touching and it wasn’t the sex, it was her eyes. Those dead, dull, listless green eyes. I never should’ve looked into them. That’s what fucked me up. Seeing the relentless pain, the raw hurt, the beauty she hid.
A kindred soul.
The very second those goddamn eyes locked onto mine, I was gone. Like a witch, she cast her spell and refused to let me break it. A curse that was binding us. And the worst part was I welcomed it. I wanted it. I needed it. And the more I craved it, the shittier I felt. It was more than guilt, beyond self-loathing. But the truth was, she’d become my asylum. My sanctuary, my refuge.
The only time I was safe was when I was with her.
My hand fisted my hair before it came to rest on the back of my neck and I squeezed. If I could’ve strangled myself, I would’ve.
I fucked everything up.
“Declan?”
Unable to do more than lift my eyes, I glanced at Autumn, red-faced and devastated.
I did that to her.
The white bandage on her arm caught my attention, then my gaze went to her neck. And before I could stop the memories, Autumn morphed into Juliana. Blonde hair turned brown, Autumn’s athletic figure turned curvy. The slice on her neck turned to bullet holes. I didn’t protect either of them. I’d been too late.
I heard Autumn call my name but all I could see was my wife, now in my arms holding Violet as she gasped her last breaths. Blood painted my hands—Violet and Juliana—how many times had I relived this moment? Millions. I’d forced myself to seek the memory often. Except when I was with Autumn. She was my haven. So wrong.
“Declan!”
I blinked and blinked again as I focused on Autumn. I’d been so lost in thought I hadn’t felt her come close. I’d missed her dropping to her knees in front of me.
“Dec,” she whispered.
The soft sound was full of misery—hurt, sadness, pain.
I did that to her.
Slowly, her hands came to my face and I tensed.
Please don’t touch me.
Gentle hands cupped my jaw and her thumb swept over my lips. And for the first time, I had Autumn. The real Autumn. Not even when I’d kissed her in the shower had she given me all of her. Unaltered, genuine, totally bare. She was equal parts beautiful and broken.
Flawed perfection.
Autumn’s brows pulled together and she swept her thumb again and that time when she smeared the wetness over my skin it registered what she was doing. Moreover, it hit me that I was a grown man, sitting on a woman’s couch, crying like a two-year-old. But fucking hell I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t keep the acid inside any longer. I owed her nothing, yet I owed her everything. The hours she’d given me, the reprieve from my living nightmare, she was the only one who could end my suffering, even if it was temporary.
“If you’ll stay, I’ll take the pain pill.” Her hands fell away and she didn’t give me a chance to answer before she stood, pulling me up with her. “I trust you, Declan. I know you’d never let anything happen to me.”
One more thing Autumn gave me that I didn’t deserve, especially after the way I’d treated her.
“Autumn—”
“You’re right. I’m in pain. I need to take something and we both need to sleep. I’ll take the pill as long as you don’t leave.”
Unable to speak, I nodded my agreement and followed her back to her room. It didn’t take her long to swallow down the two pills Kyle had left her. Then wordlessly she threw back the covers and crawled into her bed. Her gaze came back to mine expectantly and waited.
I’d been in her bed a lot the last few months, but never to sleep. Something unpleasant stirred in my gut as I stared. I could easily see Autumn bent over, feet on the floor spread wide for me, the upper half of her body on the mattress, my hands digging into her hips as I fucked her from behind. I could even hear her knells of ecstasy as I took her hard, her panting, begging for more. But no other touching, not while my cock was buried in her. She deserved more than a hard and rough fuck while she was bent over. She needed someone who could guide her through her pain. Help her heal. Treat her with kindness. Love her until she forgets.
“Dec?” she called my name and it sou
nded very much like the plea it was.
“I promise you I won’t leave, but I think I should sleep on the couch.”
Her eyes got soft, and to my shock, she didn’t put her guard up.
“One last time. Or should I say, just this once here in my bed, sleep with me. I forgot what it was like to dream. The only time in the ten years I’ve slept deep enough to dream was when you were lying next to me in Afghanistan. I know it’s a lot to ask. I won’t touch you. But please, give me this one last thing and I’ll never ask for more.”
That was a goodbye.
I should’ve been glad for it, happy she understood what was going on, but instead I felt the most paralyzing fear I’d ever felt in my life. Worse than Juliana dying in my arms. But only part of me died that day. The piece my daughter took would never heal, that chip from my heart was buried with her. I didn’t feel fear when Violet died—that feeling was impossible, it was a breath I’d never catch.
What kind of man did it make me knowing Autumn’s goodbye would kill me? She’d leave and take a bigger piece when they all should’ve belonged to Juliana. I shouldn’t have had anything left to give Autumn, it all should’ve been my wife’s.
And that was the truth that weighed the heaviest. It was the hardest to swallow. Since the day I’d met Autumn, looked into her eyes, I’d been choking on a new kind of guilt—Autumn affected me with an intensity I’d never felt, and no matter what I’d done, I couldn’t guard against it. I couldn’t stop myself from falling for her.
So, Autumn leaving was going to bring me to my knees. She owned every part of me. And I was going to let her walk away.
Set her free and leave her to her life.
But I was going to do that tomorrow.
Tonight I was going to give her the only thing I had to give—sweet dreams.
I took off my boots and socks, but left on the rest of my clothes, turned off the lights, and got into bed.
I heard Autumn’s sigh of relief but she said nothing. She didn’t touch me, she didn’t look at me, she wasn’t even facing me. With the help of the pain medication, she fell asleep quickly.
The sun was inching its way up when I finally closed my eyes.
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 11