“I can’t believe you,” I seethed.
“One day you’ll thank me.”
“Don’t hold your breath.”
My mind reeled. My friend had betrayed me. I told the guys she could be trusted. She’d totally fucked me over.
“Barny Pollaski killed my family,” Ash said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t face him. I was too weak to do it myself. So I called you in. I didn’t lie—you saw the girls you saved that day. I just didn’t tell you he was the man who took my mom. It was him, personally, who killed all three of them. You gave them the peace I couldn’t. Now, my sweet friend, I’m giving you the peace you deserve. Go find Declan and forget everything else.”
“Ash, it’s not like that—”
“What that man feels for you is bigger than anything you can imagine. He is wildly in love with you. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Trust me. Let go and be free.”
“And you? When will you be free?” I asked sarcastically.
“When I find my Declan. Then I’ll walk away from all of this and never look back.”
Shit.
Ash let me go and turned to my parents. “It was a pleasure to meet you both.”
My mom didn’t acknowledge Ash, she didn’t even blink, she just stared at me while my dad walked Ashaki to the door.
“Well? What are we waiting for?” my mom huffed. “Where do we find this Declan?”
“Meggy,” my father warned.
“Justin, either you find this man right now and take me to him or I’ll go by myself. Our girl’s got a man who is wildly in love with her and I want to get to know him. After that, you’re taking me to see Emerson.”
“Meggy, my love, we promised—”
“Yes, I know what we promised. We promised to love, honor, and cherish one another until we drew our last breath. We promised to raise a family together. We promised to be good parents. The way I see it, we’ve broken all of those. And I’m not going to stand here and allow it to go on any longer. Our girls need us, we’re putting this family back together. Too much time has been lost.” My mom speared me with a look I hadn’t seen since I was a child. “Autumn Anne, go pack your bag.”
What the hell was happening?
“Mom—”
“Now.”
“You know—”
“I know when we got you back that I messed up. I know I did everything wrong. And right now, I’m setting about making it right. This family fell apart and I am putting it back together. Go get your stuff, we’re leaving in ten minutes.”
Putting it back together?
Was that possible?
Emerson thought it was.
Mom obviously did.
I looked at my dad and he smiled.
“Your mama’s right, sweetpea. It’s time we all found our way home.”
Home.
After all these years, I loved the sound of that.
Chapter 22
I glanced around Thad and Emmy’s backyard and continued to count down the minutes until I could excuse myself and leave.
I was thrilled that Emerson had made it fourteen weeks into her pregnancy and her doctor was confident she and the baby would be fine. She had a clean bill of health but Thad wasn’t taking any chances. While he agreed to have a housewarming-slash-baby party, he refused to allow Emmy out of the chair she was currently sitting in.
I would’ve laughed at his nervousness if I wasn’t dying inside. Every day was a battle. Every day I warred with myself. I picked up my phone no less than fifty times a day, needing to hear Autumn’s voice but not having the balls to actually make the call. I wanted to ask Garrett to track her down but I was too afraid when I found her I’d toss her over my shoulder and run away with her.
Eighteen days was a long time to go without the woman who fed your soul, who allowed you to breathe.
I was starved for her.
I needed her so fucking bad I couldn’t do anything else but think about her.
Then why don’t you go after her, you stupid fuck?
“Hey.” At the sound of my sister’s voice, my fists clenched. “Mind if I sit down?”
With her arms full of her son, she motioned with her head to the chair across from me.
Emotion welled and I had to clear my throat before I could answer, “Yeah, have a seat. How are you?”
“Tired. I’d ask how you’re doing but it’s written all over your face.”
I had nothing to say to that so I remained quiet and studied my sister. Even tired, Violet looked happy. Every time I looked at her was a punch in the gut—twins separated and raised apart.
“He has our eyes,” she told me and I sucked in air.
My hand automatically went to my chest to rub away the ache. Violet had had our eyes, too.
“Dec?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you like to hold him?”
Fuck yeah.
“Nah, he’s sleeping.”
Violet’s bottom lip trembled, reminding me what a shit brother I was.
Before I could figure out what to say to my sister, there was a commotion behind me, and thank Christ, the moment was broken.
In my haste to escape Violet’s tears, I hadn’t considered that what came next could be worse than seeing Violet sad.
But it was.
I hadn’t even looked around yet and pinpricks of awareness raced over me.
I stood and turned. Emerson was hugging an older woman. A man stood at her side, his face twisted into what was supposed to be a smile, but it looked pained. Thad approached, his face set to cautious but open. When he reached the huddle, he offered his hand to the man.
I was too far away to hear what was said, but Thad nodded and smiled.
I took in their features, and it hit me those were Emerson and Autumn’s parents. Before I could stop myself, I moved across the yard searching for Autumn.
“…Can’t believe you’re here.” I caught the end of Emerson’s statement.
“Autumn told us the good news,” the woman said and I jerked to a halt.
Autumn had talked to her parents? My gaze went around the backyard again, hoping like hell if her parents were there, she would be, too.
“You must be Declan,” the man said and I startled at his question. “I’m Justin Pierce, Autumn and Emerson’s dad.”
The man thrust his hand in my direction. Not wanting to be rude, but very definitely wanting to get this over with so I could find Autumn, I took his hand in a firm shake.
“Declan Crenshaw.”
“That Ashaki was right,” the woman spoke, and suddenly the air around crackled.
Before I could ask, Thad beat me to it, “You spoke to Ashaki Maloof?”
“Yes. She came by the house yesterday to speak to Autumn. Very nice woman.”
“Is Autumn okay? Where is she? Did she leave with Ashaki?”
My heart started to pound, if Ashaki made a house call and needed a face-to-face meeting with Autumn, they could be anywhere in the world by now. She’d be on the hunt without backup. I needed Garrett and Tex to track her down. I needed to find her. She shouldn’t be alone…
“Autumn’s fine,” Justin responded, but offered no more.
“I’m Magdalene Pierce, but everyone calls me Meggy.”
“Nice to meet you, ma’am. Where’s Autumn?”
The woman smiled even though I was being rude.
“She didn’t go with her friend. Actually, Ashaki fired her.” Meggy’s smile grew wide. “We didn’t know you were having a party or we would’ve called.”
Meggy was looking at Emerson, Justin was staring at me, but I lost his attention when I felt a light touch on my shoulder.
“Hi, I’m Violet, Declan’s sister.”
More pleasantries were exchanged. I heard Emerson’s choked sob, Thad’s deep rumble consoling his wife. More of my teammates had gathered and their voices were drifting around me.
“Where’s Autumn?” I growled.
“Ashaki was right,” Meggy repeated, smiling.
Justin continued to stare at me like I was a bug to be crushed.
Fuck this.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket to ring Garrett when the man finally spoke. “She’s at her house. She wanted to give us time alone with Emerson and—”
I heard nothing else. That was because I was jogging through Thad’s backyard.
I didn’t remember the ten-minute drive to Autumn’s. I didn’t remember walking into her house. My next cognitive memory was finding her in her kitchen staring at the dishes I hadn’t washed.
But she knew I was there. Her body had grown stiff even though her shoulders were hunched forward.
“You’ve been staying here?”
“I needed to be close to you,” I answered.
“Why?”
“Because I can’t fucking breathe without you.”
Her head fell forward and she shook her head.
“What are we doing, Declan? We’re a mess. Both of us. Two broken people with more demons than we know what to do with.”
She was not wrong. Both of us were riddled with demons. Insurmountable pain that neither of us knew how to deal with.
“When I lost Juliana and Violet, I thought my life had ended. Hell, I wanted it to end.”
Autumn swayed and reached for the counter to balance herself.
I wanted to go to her, pull her into my arms, and take the solace only she could give me. But I owed her more than that. I couldn’t take any more from her without offering something in return.
“For years, I’ve walked around dead inside. I felt nothing. No, that’s a fucking lie. I felt excruciating, unbearable pain. Pain that makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest. I’ve watched my sister fall in love, get married, and start a family. I’ve watched my teammates do the same, and with each one of them, I died a little more knowing I had that once, but I’d never have it again. I’d never feel anything but grief and heartache.
“Then you came along. And the first time I looked into your eyes, I felt it. I saw my reflection. My mirror image. And I hated you knew what unbearable pain felt like. I wanted to take it from you. Then as fast as you were there, you were gone, and I didn’t stop you. I let you walk away because I knew that’s what you needed to do. You weren’t done running and I wasn’t done beating myself up.”
“I’m not her.” Autumn’s reminder made me wince.
I was a grade-A dick for saying that to her.
“I know you’re not. And when I said that to you, it came out all wrong. My head was fucked-up. There was so much swirling around in my brain I couldn’t keep it straight.”
“Then what did you mean?”
The unusual show of vulnerability stole my breath, but when Autumn turned to face me I couldn’t swallow. Chewing glass would’ve been less painful.
Good Christ, she was beautiful.
So beautiful she deserved more than my stained soul. But I’d be goddammed, I wasn’t giving her up.
We’d have to find our way.
There was no other option.
“Fuck.” I shoved my hands into my pockets to stop them from yanking my hair out by the roots.
“Dec—”
“No, Autumn. Let me explain. And there’s no way for me to do that but just to say it, and I’m sorry it’s gonna make me sound like a dick. When I’m with you, I don’t think about Juliana. I don’t think about the loss, the pain, nothing. And now sometimes I go days without her coming to mind. I was feeling guilty about that. I did love her, there’s no doubt about it. But it was different—it was easy, it was sweet. I was a different man then. And now the things I’m feeling for you I feel guilty about because I never needed her to breathe, I never needed her with such a craving that I felt like I was coming out of my skin unless she was near. Not while she was alive, and that’s fucking with my head. She was the mother of my child, shouldn’t I have felt that?”
“I don’t know, Declan, I’ve never been in love. I’ve never had a man that was mine. One that loved me. So I can’t answer that. But I don’t think you loving your wife makes you sound like a dick, I think it’s beautiful. I think it says something good about you that you have it in you to feel that deeply.”
I’ve never been in love.
Fuck, why did that slice me to shreds?
We stood in silence staring at each other. Mere feet separated us but the divide felt like miles. A deep chasm of anguish kept us apart and I couldn’t take another second of it.
Not the physical distance. Not the emotional distance.
I started to move but she put her hands in front of her to stop me.
“I don’t think I can do this.”
“Do what?”
“This.”
“And what is this?”
“Us.”
“So, there’s an us?”
Autumn's brows pinched together and she frowned. “I don’t know.”
I ignored her panicked expression and closed the distance.
“Say what you want to say.”
“What?”
“Say it, lay it out, Autumn.”
“I don’t—”
“You do. You know what you want to say, you know what you feel, you know why you came back. Let it all hang out, babe.”
Panic turned into terror and I pushed harder.
“Come on, baby, be fearless. My wife and my daughter died in my arms. I live with that, Autumn. I feel it in my bones, holding them while their blood leaked, as their last breaths left their bodies. I failed them. That’s what’s holding me back from you. I’m so fucking afraid to let you down, to fail you. I’m scared as fuck those feelings for you mean I’ll forget them. That if I let myself fall in love with you that will mean I love them less.”
Fucking, fucking, shit, that burned to admit.
That was the hundred-pound weight around my neck choking me—how could I love Autumn when I promised to love Juliana?
“Say it, Autumn. Tell—”
“I’m scared this is all I’ll ever be. This pitiful victim. This broken, fucked-up person. I’m so scared to feel anything because all I know is pain. And don’t tell me I’m not a victim, I am. Just because I survived doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”
Sweet Christ, the tears that welled in her eyes cut me to my core.
“So stop being a victim.”
“Right. And how do I do that?”
You have to let her go.
“Let it go.”
“I can’t change who I am.”
“Thank God for that, baby, there’s nothing you need to change.”
You have to let her go.
Thad’s words kept replaying in my head over and over. The whole conversation. I was stuck in the past. Before Autumn, I never wanted to let it go because that was all I had. But now if I wanted a shot at something good, I had to make a choice.
“Take a chance.” My hands went to her face and her shoulders went stiff. “Let go of the past and walk with me.”
“Where would we go?” she whispered.
“Anywhere we want.”
“And if I wanted to run away?”
“Then we’d run away.”
“You’re serious?”
Those green eyes glittered, and for the first time, they didn’t dance in pain. There was something else there, it looked a lot like hope.
“I’ll follow you through the fiery pits of hell just as long as we do it together. I’ll walk as long and as far as I need to until we find what you need. But you gotta know, I already found what I’ve been searching for. So here, or there, on a beach, in a cabin, in a hovel, the place doesn’t matter as long as you’re there. That’s all I need.”
“You so
und like Dr. Seuss.” Autumn’s lips hitched into a smile.
“Don’t ever run from me again.” Her grin faded, and it sucked because it was the most genuine one I’d ever seen. But I had to get one last thing out. “I gave you time because I had shit I had to work out. But if you try to run again, I’m hunting your ass down, Autumn. No joke, I will find you.”
“And did you work it out?”
“Yeah, baby, I did. I’m letting go, too. It’s time I let them rest in peace and stop dragging the memory of them through the dirt. Juliana deserves that, she was a good woman, a good mom.”
I sucked in a lungful of oxygen, and for the first time since they’d died, it wasn’t near as painful.
“And Violet?” she whispered. “Will you tell me about her? About both of them?”
A dull throb hit my chest and I closed my eyes.
“Not right now,” Autumn rushed out. “In the future, will you tell me about them? Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.”
Damn, that felt good. But for her, I wanted her to let go and forget. I didn’t want the memories of what happened to her to hang over her.
“Yeah, baby, in the future.”
“Will you kiss me?”
Tentative. Sweet. So fucking sweet, I didn’t know what to do with the knowledge that Autumn could be sweet. Shy and sweet, and fuck me, seeing her unease, knowing she’d opened herself up to me, laid it out bare like I’d asked, made my chest tighten—and in no way was it painful.
“Take whatever you want, baby, I’m yours.”
I watched her pretty, green eyes sparkle, and now that I was being honest with myself, I could admit I never wanted to go a day without seeing them.
Fuck, yeah, it was her eyes—they said everything.
And right then they were hopeful.
Chapter 23
My heart was thumping against my ribs, and for the first time in over ten years, I didn’t feel hollow.
For the first time, I didn’t want to be alone.
What would it feel like if I trusted him—fully and completely trust him?
Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5) Page 14