by Gabbi Wright
I don’t deserve her.
Chapter 14 - Dina
This is the longest day ever. Maybe I smiled too much at work. Maybe my mind wasn’t on our clients. Most of the day was spent in endless meetings, and I’m pretty sure I stared at the clock more than I did at my computer.
And maybe my foot’s a little heavy as I speed home.
There’s a million thoughts and dreams going through my mind. I picture him waiting with flowers. I picture him in his front door, inviting me over. I picture being met with a kiss. He doesn’t need to be doing any of these things, I mean, it’s not like we’re officially a couple or anything.
But I can’t help but imagining that we are. The traffic is always heavy in Boise after work, and I don’t even care. Somebody cuts me off and I just wave. Nothing can ruin this good mood.
I pull up in front of my house. I don’t see him waiting for me.
I don’t see him on the porch.
Did I misread last night? He did ask me to see him for dinner, didn’t he?
I dig my house key from my purse as I head up my walk to the front door, trying to not be too obvious that I’m watching for him. I don’t want him to think that I’m a psycho stalker who’s completely obsessed with him, do I? It would suck to give him the wrong message and scare him off.
Besides, I want him to feel that way about me.
I’m sure he’s busy. I’m sure he’s got things to do.
Yet as I strip out of my work clothing and into more casual apparel, I can’t help but wonder if maybe he’s not really into me. Maybe I made myself too easy.
Just because I’ve found myself falling for him doesn’t mean he’s fallen for me. Maybe he’s just another guy out looking for a conquest.
The thought gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I wish Brooke was back. I really need somebody to talk to.
Frankly, I do have a habit of rushing into relationships, and when they do fall for me, I push them away.
Like Gary.
Gary had fallen fast for me, just as I hope Lance has. And I didn’t exactly hate Gary. I think I just kind of fell for him while drunk at the time. I used him to scratch an itch, and then I moved on.
And Lance certainly scratched the itch. Problem is, I still itch for him.
My stomach growls.
Is he never going to invite me over?
I stare at the clock like I’ve done all day, snacking to keep from starving to death. Six goes by and then seven.
Is he standing me up? Am I supposed to go over there?
As the evening draws late, I’m plenty aware of where I stand. I was used. Lance got what he wanted and now he’s discarded me.
And though I tell myself that I don’t care, my heart hurts. My heart is broken.
Chapter 15 - Lance
It’s funny how I spend each day waiting to see her, watching her leave for work, and come back in the evenings. I haven’t actually said hi to her since that night. I tell myself that I’m not avoiding her, and it’s just coincidence that I don’t leave my house when she’s home, just in case we cross paths.
She still glances toward my home every morning and every night, and if she didn’t hate me, she surely does now.
I need to move on, but she’s all I can think about.
When Saturday comes around, and I don’t see her leave in the morning, I realize how much my days have run together.
I stare out at her house. How long before I see her dating somebody else?
I feel a strange tug on my heart as I realize that’s the last thing I want to see. I can’t picture her with anyone else, and the thought stirs jealousy in my heart.
I want her to be happy. I had briefly teased with the idea that she could be happy with me. Sometimes when I’d seen her, I thought about trying to make it work.
I just keep talking myself out of it.
I’m still thinking about her when a black hummer pulls up in front of my place. It’s Joe, one of my merc buddies.
I have the door open before he can knock.
“Joe!” I exclaim, “What the hell brings you to Idaho, my man?”
He laughs as I lead him into the house. “You do, dipshit. Think I’m going to let you forget about me just because you’ve retired?”
“I knew I’d see you eventually,” I reply, “Let me get you a beer.”
“I could go for one.”
He follows me to the kitchen as I grab us each a cold one.
“You better be careful,” I say, “Or you’re going to catch this settling down bug too.”
“Oh, hell no, there’s no way suburbia can handle all of this.”
I can only smile as he gestures to his own middle-aged body, maybe in just a little bit better shape than me. We go way back, having served in the marines together. I can’t remember a deployment without him by my side, and when we retired, and when Joe had suggested taking some independent jobs, I’d readily agreed. This man was responsible for so much of my life.
“I admit,” he says, “It looks like you’ve got a good thing going. Never thought I’d see you settle down. You’ve got a house and everything. Who would have thought the great, indomitable Lance would ever put down roots?”
“Yeah,” I say, shrugging, “I don’t know if it’s for me.”
He laughs, and god it feels good to have him around again. “No way, out of all of us, you deserve happiness. I’ve seen it in your eyes for years. You tired of all the action years ago.”
Before I can deny it, he raises a hand. “No,” he continues, “I swear. You can’t stay in just because you know nothing else. We’re not getting younger. Hell, I half-expected you to have settled down already, working on your firstborn.”
“I’ve only been out four months,” I protest.
“Yeah, but you work fast. I bet you already got a woman in your sights, too. Any good stories to share from civilian life?”
I take a deep breath and let it out in a huff. I almost consider lying, and not telling him about Dina at all.
He knows me too well. He sees it in my expression before I offer any denial.
“Well,” I say, and pause. I don’t want to talk about Dina. Saying her name out loud, discussing our brief moment together will make it real. I’ll have to acknowledge what I’ve thrown away. But I can’t not tell him. “I did meet someone. The girl next door, so to speak.”
“Right on!” he says, “Is she as ugly as you? You guys gonna have a batch of ugly children?”
I slug him in the arm. Hard. He only laughs. I take a long swig of my beer, and suddenly the can is empty. I get us each another.
“No,” I say wistfully, “She’s gorgeous. And too young. I’m old enough for people to mistake me as her father. I couldn’t do that to her, so I broke it off.”
“Wow, gorgeous, you say? Like gorgeous enough for me? Or just gorgeous enough for you?”
I snort. “No, she’s even too hot for you.”
“And you let her get away? What the hell are you thinking?”
“Seriously, bro? Can you imagine a beautiful girl on this arm? I couldn’t do that to her.”
Joe nods thoughtfully. Then he says, “Well then, the only thing you can do is introduce her to me. Because I am not as stupid as you. I will happily accept the love of a beautiful woman half my age, or any age. Life’s too short. Besides, this State is too cold. If you can’t accept the love of a woman to keep you warm, then what the hell are you doing here?”
“Like hell I’m going to introduce her to you, you womanizer. I still remember Thailand.”
He punches me back at the mention of that memory. “Hey, we took a solemn vow never to bring that up again. And if it wasn’t for me, you were well on your way to being in the middle of that, don’t think I don’t remember. If anything, you should thank me for getting you out of that.”
I snort. “Are you sure they all didn’t have dicks?”
“I will only admit to two. The other three were all woman, I swear.”
&n
bsp; “Good times.”
Our conversation turns from women to past stories, memories both good and bad, of our journeys and jobs. It’s nice, and it helps me to get my mind off of Dina for a little.
Until it’s time for Joe to leave.
“Sure you don’t want to stay?” I ask, “I’ve got room. We can do something mind-numbingly normal, like bowling.”
“I’ve got a hotel room, but maybe I’ll take you up on that game tomorrow. Hey, but think about what I said, you deserve to be happy. Even if for the fact that I’m only alive because of you. I want you to have the best.”
After he’s gone, one of things he said sticks with me. Life’s too short.
Yes indeed, it certainly is, and there’s been plenty of times in my life I thought it was over. Only my companions and sometimes sheer dumb luck got me to where I am.
Joe’s advice is usually pretty solid, but I don’t know if I completely agree with him. I’m not so sure that I deserve happiness.
The one thing I know is, for that one night, I did not have any nightmares, for the first time in I don’t know how long.
Chapter 16 - Dina
Lance has had company all day. His visitor looks a lot like him, but hair still cut short, in a crew-cut. Lance’s hair is longer, as though he’s given up on the military style.
When the two of them glance toward my house, I duck behind my curtains. I’m such a lousy stalker.
Time heals a broken heart, or so I’ve heard. It’s been days, and I’m not feeling any better. Maybe a few days isn’t quite what the poets meant.
But I want so badly to talk to him again, to ask him what I did wrong.
No, this is not me. I’m a strong independent woman. I do not fawn over men. They fawn over me. This man is just too stubborn to realize it.
I instead spend the day watching romantic comedies and eating left-over Chinese food. I’ve also dug out all of the Valentine’s Day chocolates I bought myself last February on clearance. I’m thinking a chocolate coma will be a nice end to the evening.
I know he’s written me off. I haven’t felt this used since a bad date in college. I should be pissed, but yet I can’t stop thinking about how much fun I had with him.
Not just sexually. That had definitely been a highpoint of the date, but I’d actually enjoyed his company. I’d enjoyed his attention.
It had all felt so genuine.
And when he’d said we’d have dinner again the following night, I’d been the lovesick fool who’d believed him.
Well, I’m certainly not going over there. I am not a psycho-ex stalker who can’t let it go. So what if I’m still sitting here punishing myself with the women on TV finding love after thinking they’ve broken up.
Even if I want him to show up.
My best friend, Brooke, will be home tomorrow night. She’ll help me through this.
Or not. Unless she breaks up with our boss. If that’s the case, we can suffer together. It’ll be fun suffering. If they stay together, her happiness is going to make me sad and pathetic by myself.
I don’t know if I like either choice. I want to tell Brooke all about this guy. Maybe I shouldn’t. I can pretend like it never happened.
I’m thinking about binging one more pathetic romance movie before bed when somebody knocks on my door.
It’s him. It has to be.
But it’s too late. I’ve moved on.
I take my time walking to the door.
I open it and he’s standing there. I keep my face as impassive as possible, though I don’t want him to know that my heart is palpitating, just seeing him again.
“Hey,” I say, very casual. To give him no clue how great it is to see him, and how utterly devastating, all stirred together.
“Hey,” he says, “I owe you dinner.”
“That’s okay,” I reply, “I’ve already eaten.”
He shuffles, as though unsure what to say. He settles on, “You’ve got chocolate on your lips.”
I don’t think that’s the best choice of words to go with, but I quickly wipe my mouth.
“No, you missed it.” He raises his hand to wipe my face and quickly withdraws, like I might bite him. “There, on the left.”
I wipe again, and he shakes his head. “It might be dried on there.”
I lick my lips. “Am I getting it?” I’m sure I must, because I’m tasting chocolate.
“Kind of, here, let me.”
He reaches up and wipes my lips with his fingers. They linger, ever so slightly. I resist locking my lips about them.
That would show him.
We stand there staring at each other, neither of us really saying anything. One of his hands has been conspicuously behind his back the entire time.
He notices that I notice.
“Oh, umm, I got you these. As an apology.”
He hands me flowers. It’s a lovely bouquet, or likely was when he’d bought them. They look a little wilted.
“Thank you,” I say.
He notices my look of pity for the sorry things and says, “They were from a few days ago, from the date I ruined. I chickened out.”
“Why?” I ask. I could say so much more, but the word carries plenty of weight. It’s laced with the pain from my heart.
“Because,” he says, and I catch a glimpse of the man’s vulnerability. For front he puts on, and for all that strength, there’s a part of him that’s as insecure as the rest of the world. I know this, because I know him. “Because I’ve never let my guard down until I met you. You’re the first person in maybe my entire life that I’ve allowed myself to really feel something for. I’m not scared of a lot of things, but these feelings scare the hell out of me.”
“You stood me up,” I say, “I don’t deserve to be treated that way. You’re not the only one who’s scared of their heart. I am too. I don’t meet many men who are mature enough that I feel like I want to stay with them. Rarely do I meet anybody who’s got their shit together enough that I can see a future with.”
“Yes, but we just met. I’m at a point in my life that I think maybe I’m ready to settle down. I can’t ask that of you. I can’t ask you to jump in with both feet. I know what I want. And although my heart wants you, I didn’t want you to have to settle for somebody like me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Somebody with a past, and it has often been a violent one. Somebody who’s twice your age. There’s nothing easy about being with me. I couldn’t ask this of you. That’s why I thought we should break it off.”
“And you never thought to ask how I feel?” I ask, and suddenly I’m so pissed at him I could slap him. I don’t, but just barely. “You think that I don’t know what I want? That I don’t know what I’m looking for? And how superficial do you think I am, to judge that I don’t know when I’ve found love, or that I would refuse to acknowledge it just because we weren’t in school together?”
“I’m sorry,” he begins.
And I interrupt him. “Damn right your sorry.” And before he can say anything else, I drop his flowers at my feet and throw my arms about his neck, and I kiss the damn man. I kiss him until his rough exterior melts and I’m sure he’s forgotten his doubts. I kiss him until he knows that I’m a woman who knows what she wants.
I kiss him until I forget my own doubts.
Though he’s a bigger man than me, I drag him backward into my home, and I promise myself he’s not leaving my place until he’s absolutely certain to his core what I feel about him.
Chapter 17 - Dina
When I return to work on Monday morning, Brooke is waiting for me by the front door to walk in with me. She tan and beautiful, and I can see by her expression she’s had the trip of a lifetime, and I assume still going very well.
She shrieks and throws her rms about me. “I’ve missed you so much, Dina,” she says, “And I have so much to tell you.”
“So, is it… good?” I ask.
“She shrieks again and thrusts her rig
ht hand under my nose. The finger twinkles with an engagement ring. “He got me this on our last night there. He proposed to me on the beach under a full moon. It was so romantic!”
I shriek too and hug her close. I’m so happy for her. “Two weeks! You must be a great lay!”
“Shut up, or I will choke you,” she threatens, “Besides, you know I am.”
“I know nothing of the sort,” I reply with a sniff. “All I have are your stories to go by.”
Brooke laughs and hooks her elbow in mine. “It is too damn cold here. I’m ready to go back all ready. Is it always this cold here?”
I nod. “Yes, in winter. That’s what winter is. Cold.”
It’s good to have Brooke back, with the constant jabs and stupid jokes.
“I suppose I have to put up with you staring at him non-stop now, huh?”
“Yeah. I’m thinking he needs to put up blinds in the office, so I can sneak in there sometimes.”
I roll my eyes. “You are going to be absolutely impossible to work with now, aren’t you?”
“Probably. So how was two weeks without me? I can only imagine incredibly boring. You and Gary still a thing?”
“Ugh,” I reply, “Hardly. I kicked him to the curb like almost the next day. But I did meet somebody else.”
As we enter the elevator to go to the second floor and our cubicles, I tell her about Lance.
I wonder if the whole office can hear her shriek.
The End
Also by Gabbi Wright
WINTER CURVES
WHATEVER HE WANTS
ADRIFT
GIRL OF FLAMES
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About the Author
Gabbi Wright is an Idaho native and a long time romance writer. She prefers the wilderness of her State, and may, at this very moment, be lost in the mountains.
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