What Happens When

by Samantha Boyette

  “Hi, everyone.” Lily is smiling like mad, and she looks so happy about the meeting that I’m extra glad I decided to come. “Well, I decided to start this group with my friend Maria.” She motions to an auburn-haired girl in glasses. “I was lucky enough to meet her right after moving here and have her be the first friend who accepted me for being who I am. So I know why I’m here, but I want to know why you’re all here.” She nods to Maria to start.

  “Well, I’m Maria, and I’m here for my friend and any other kids who are queer here.” Maria smiles. Glasses and all, she’s very pretty.

  Next up is a tan freshman boy in jeans and a faded AC / DC shirt under a black and gray varsity-style jacket with the hood up. He looks like the kind of kid who never talks to anyone and might just decide to drop out, so I’m surprised to see him at the meeting.

  “My name’s Connor, and I’m here because I’m gay and I figured it would be good to know who in this place was cool with that.”

  “No way,” Gavin says. When everyone looks at him, he shrinks back in the chair. “Sorry, I just mean, you totally don’t seem gay.”

  Connor shrugs. “I guess that’s good for me.”

  “I’d like to remind all of you that anything shared here stays here,” Mrs. Bianco interrupts. “Connor may not want everyone in the school knowing yet.”

  “I don’t really care.” Connor shrugs again. “I mean, I have a boyfriend, so whatever. My family knows.”

  “Dude, you are blowing my mind.” Gavin grins and Connor smiles back. It changes his entire appearance and makes him look younger and more relaxed.

  The girl next to Connor looks nervous. She’s got an undercut with a long top and is wearing dark eye makeup. Her black skinny jeans are torn on one knee and she’s wearing a gray T-shirt under a green button-down. I’ve seen her in the halls, and out there she moves with a casual cool I could never accomplish, so I’m surprised to see her so nervous.

  “Hi, I’m Mick.” She laughs. “Actually, that’s not true. Or maybe it is?” She laughs again and shakes her head. “I’d like to go by Mick, not the name my parents gave me.”

  “Why don’t you like the name they gave you? Is it really dumb?” Luke asks.

  She shrugs. “No. It’s just a girl name and I’ve been questioning that for a while now.”

  “So, you’re maybe trans or whatever?” Luke leans forward, elbows on his knees. Good for him, because I wasn’t even sure what to say.

  “Maybe?” She shakes her head. “I really don’t know. I like doing my makeup like this, but I also sometimes wear a binder and I think it would be super cool to grow a mustache.”

  “Would you like us to call you Mick in here?” Mrs. Bianco asks.

  Mick leans back in her chair and nods. “Yeah, that would be cool.”

  “And what pronouns would you like us to use?”

  She hesitates before answering. “I never really thought about it. So, it’s whatever for now.”

  “Well, we’re happy you’re here, Mick.”

  The introductions continue. One girl is bisexual, another guy is here because his brother is gay. A few kids don’t really have a solid reason for showing up. The one blatantly gay junior guy is there, but it’s another junior girl who really surprises me.

  She’s wearing a short skirt and heels and I know she’s one of the most popular juniors. Her wavy blond hair falls past her shoulders and she always wears perfectly applied makeup.

  “I’m Emma and I’m here because I’ve wondered if I could be a lesbian off and on. I’ve never kissed a girl, but I’ve thought about it. I didn’t even tell my friends I was coming here, because of how bad things have been for Molly this year.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  “Yeah, really. I’m sorry that everyone is being so awful. You don’t deserve it, but everyone loves the drama, so they’ve totally taken in Carmen and her campaign against you.” We both roll our eyes and share a smile.

  “She must be loving that,” I say. Carmen always wanted to be truly in with the popular girls.

  “Oh, she is.”

  The meeting is pretty much over by the time all the introductions are made and we chat a little bit more about why a Queer Alliance is important to the school.

  “That wasn’t so bad, right?” Lily asks as everyone files out.

  “Not so bad,” I confirm with a smile. “Thanks for making me come.”

  “That’s what she said,” Gavin mutters. The three of us turn to him. I don’t know about the other two, but it was the last thing I expected him to say.

  “Dude.” Luke leans back a little, his eyebrows knitting together. “That’s my sister. Gross.”

  “Sorry.” Gavin grins. He doesn’t look sorry at all and Lily snorts a laugh.

  A minute later we are all laughing as we leave the room. We get a few strange looks, but no one says anything. For the first time this year, I remember just how fun school can be.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “So you liked the club?” Zia asks.

  It’s been a few days since the first meeting, but it’s the first time Zia and I have really hung out. We’re sitting down on the break wall by the docks. We’ve walked all the way out and we’re the only ones here. Probably because fall is in full swing and it’s almost cold out here on the water. I don’t mind, though, it just means we’re sitting close together.

  “Yeah, it seemed okay. I mean, everyone already knows I’m gay, but it was nice to meet a couple of the other kids who are. You know, the ones who aren’t super obvious.”

  Zia nods and shifts a little bit closer to me. She’s wearing skinny jeans tucked into boots and a sweater and it doesn’t seem warm enough. I can feel the little nips of wind through my hoodie, so I know she has to be feeling it. Without warning, she wraps her arm through mine and suddenly the sides of our bodies are pressed together. I can feel her warmth from my shoulder to my ankle. I almost gasp with surprise.

  “It’s cold out.” Zia squints out over the water.

  “Want to walk back?” I pray she says no because I want to sit here forever.

  “No. I like it out here, it’s so peaceful, you know?”

  “Yeah. Like the rest of the world has just fallen away.” I really don’t know if I’m talking about what it feels like to be out on the break wall or what it feels like to have her so close. Either way, I’m glad she doesn’t want to go in.

  “Exactly. Like right now we could be anywhere in the world.”

  “You don’t want to be here?”

  Zia looks down and shakes her head. “Not right now.” My heart sinks. She doesn’t want to be here with me? “Tyler and I had a fight.”

  “Oh.” Those are the best six words ever spoken. “I’m sorry. That sucks. What about?”

  “Stupid stuff.” She shrugs.

  “Like what?” I lean sideways to nudge her. I see the hint of a smile on her face as she nudges back at me.

  “He wants to come over and I’m not ready for that. He says he’s tired of sneaking around like we’re doing something wrong. He wants to meet my uncle.”

  “You still don’t want him to know about your baby?”

  “No.” She lets out a long sigh. “I just don’t want him to run for the hills.”

  “He probably won’t,” I say, wishing I didn’t have to say it. I should tell her that he’s a jerk and he’d probably leave her if he found out, but Tyler seems like a good guy.

  “I don’t know. I’m not so sure about him anymore.”

  “Really?” My heart leaps at the idea.

  “Yeah, I mean what guy gets sick of sneaking off to have sex in his car and a dozen other good places?”

  “I—I don’t know.” I don’t know why it surprises me to hear they are having sex, but the idea of it is like a punch to the stomach.

  “Oh my God. Did I just embarrass you by saying that?”

  “No,” I say defensively.

  “Wow, I so did. You’re totally turning red.” She laughs
, and I know that makes me blush even more. “You are totally getting squirmy knowing where Tyler and I have sex.” She leans in and says the last word right in my ear.

  I wince and stand up. “Whatever. Let’s get going.” The side of my body that was pressed to her feels cold.

  “Hey.” Zia stands. “I was just kidding. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” I turn, but her hand finds mine and tugs me back around to face her.

  “I’m sorry, okay?” She squeezes my hand. “I’m just stressed over Tyler. I didn’t mean to be a jerk to you.”

  When she pulls me into a hug, I don’t fight it. The sweater is soft under my hands and hides nothing about the shape of her body. It’s easy to imagine my hands are moving over smooth skin instead of cotton as I wrap my arms around her. Her body feels like it’s a thousand degrees as it presses against me and her hair smells like vanilla. I can’t help but inhale.

  She squeezes me tightly and the hug is over far too soon, the smell of vanilla still in my nose, making me feel light-headed. As we’re walking back down the break wall, my phone goes off and I pull it out to see a message from Luke.

  Luke: Where are you?

  Me: At the marina, why?

  Luke: Your girlfriend is here lol Me: Who?

  Luke: Lily! She just showed up with that girl Maria. We’re coming to get you.

  Me: Okay.

  I slip my phone into my pocket, sighing. Zia glances over at me. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I gotta go home, though. A friend from school showed up.”

  “Oh.”

  “You can come too if you want.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I wish I could take them back, I don’t really want to mix Zia into my high school world.

  “No, it’s okay. I should probably try to go talk to Tyler anyway.”

  Fuck. I have to go home, so she goes running off to Tyler? That sucks.

  Of course, what I say is much more supportive. “You really should. I hope it works out.”

  We’re back in the parking lot and she smiles before replying. “I’m sure it will. You need a ride?”

  “No, they’re coming to get me.”

  “Okay, well, have fun.”

  “Yeah.”

  She gets into her car and I wave as she pulls away. I can’t help but feel a little angry at Lily and Maria. Why did they have to come over today of all days?

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Molly!” Luke is hanging out the passenger window of an unfamiliar blue Mini Cooper as it tears into the parking lot with music blaring.

  I stand up from the picnic table and cross the parking lot to where they’ve stopped. I can’t help but smile as Luke practically leaps from the car, tugging up his jeans before bending over to flip the seat forward. He gestures me to the back seat.

  “Sorry, but I called shotgun,” he says as I climb in back beside Lily. “There is no way these legs were folding in back there.”

  “We couldn’t argue too much with that.” Lily smiles. “Mine barely fit back here.”

  “It gets like a million miles per gallon, guys. Stop bitching.” Maria glances back over her shoulder at us as Luke climbs back in. “No making moves in my back seat either.” She winks. I always feel like an idiot when I try winking, but it’s endearing when she does it. I smile, and Lily laughs.

  We start out of the parking lot at roughly the same speed Maria pulled in. In the little car it feels like it’s going a million miles an hour. I slide over into Lily and quickly move away, blushing as I buckle my seat belt.

  “No worries,” Luke yells over the music. “My sister and I have a strict rule about hooking up in cars we’re both in.”

  “Yeah, after last fall when he tried to put the moves on Alice Novak in Carmen’s back seat after a dance.”

  “There’s nothing like getting shot down in front of your sister to make you never want to do that again.”

  “It’s so great how the two of you get along,” Lily says, leaning close to speak in my ear. Her hand is between us on the seat, her fingers just barely brushing my leg. I’m sure she doesn’t even notice, but I do.

  I shrug. “I guess.”

  “No really, my sister and I can barely speak to each other without getting into a fight. Especially since I came out.”

  “She doesn’t like it?” I’m leaning into her now, heart tight as our elbows touch and we press together. It’s not quite the feeling of insanity that Zia makes me feel, but it’s close.

  “No one in my family really does. My dad’s probably the best with it. My sister is barely talking to me and my mom is really awkward, like she doesn’t know what to say to me.”

  “That’s awful.”

  She shrugs. “I knew what I was doing when I came out.”

  “I guess I don’t really think about how lucky I am that my family has been cool with it. Well, my dad doesn’t know yet, but whatever. We barely see him.”

  “Hey, no telling secrets back there,” Luke says over his shoulder.

  “Then turn down the music,” I call back.

  “No way,” Maria shouts. “This is my favorite song.” She turns the music up even louder.

  “Your brother has a crazy crush on Maria,” Lily whispers, her breath warm on my ear.

  I peer up between the seats to see Luke watching Maria with a smile as she sings loud and off-key. I lean back and smile.

  *

  At the house, we all flop in the living room and turn on the TV. Luke and Maria are on one couch and we’re on the other. I suddenly feel awkwardly like I’ve been roped into a double date.

  I can see why Luke likes Maria. She’s adorable. She can’t be more than five feet tall, but there’s an energy about her that makes her seem much bigger. In a dark brown sweater over a white top and skinny jeans with a chunky necklace, she looks like she just stepped out of a magazine. Her red hair hangs in loose waves around her shoulders.

  “You okay?” Lily touches my arm.

  “Yeah.” I nod, but I’m not okay because I can’t help but notice how good Lily looks in her oversized sweater and jeans. I want to cuddle up beside her. The problem is, I feel like I’m cheating on Zia. It’s dumb, but I can’t shake the feeling. I pull out my phone to text her. I don’t expect an answer right away, but it comes quickly.

  Me: How are things with Tyler?

  Zia: Great! I did what you said and told him the truth. He’s cool with it! =)

  Me: Awesome.

  Zia: You having fun?

  Me: Yeah, gotta go.

  I toss the phone on the side table, promising myself I won’t text her again tonight. Of course, after two minutes I’m already itching to text her again. I’ve got it bad for her. This must be what addiction feels like. Even though hearing her and Tyler worked things out felt like a knife twisting in my gut, I want to hear from her again. I just want to know I’m a part of her life, and that’s making me feel like an idiot.

  When Lily leans close to me I almost jump.

  “Want to go upstairs and leave these two lovebirds?” she asks softly.

  I think about it for roughly a nanosecond before nodding. We stand up together and I expect Luke to say something as we slip out, but he pretends not to notice. Maria is quiet as well.

  In my room, I lie down on the bed. Screw Zia, Lily is in my room, and unlike Zia, she’s totally into me. But Lily doesn’t lie down with me. Instead she goes to my desk, examining the wall of photos there. Inwardly, I groan, realizing there are dozens of photos of Carmen there.

  “Wow, you two really were besties.”

  “Please don’t say that.” I get off the bed and move to stand beside her. “I hate that word.” I’m a little behind her and I brace myself with one hand on her hip as I lean forward and start tearing the pictures of me and Carmen from the wall.

  I am without a doubt in Lily’s personal space, but she doesn’t move, just lets me press against her until all the photos of Carmen are gone. They’ve littered my desk, and it tak
es two hands to gather them up and drop them in the trash.

  My heart and brain are a crazy swirl of emotions. I’m angry about Carmen, frustrated by Zia, and ridiculously turned on by being so close to Lily. My body feels hot and like it’s made up of nothing but nerve endings, and when her hand finds my hip, I let out a small gasp.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No.” I shake my head and she pulls her hand away. I want to grab it. I want to press my lips to hers and fall for her and forget how shitty things are with Carmen, or how twisted up I am over Zia. But I know that isn’t fair to Lily.

  “It’s so hard when people can’t accept you for who you really are.” She crosses the room and sinks down on the end of my bed.

  Talk about mixed messages here. My brain is listening to her words and taking in her crossed arms and obviously hurt expression, but my body is reacting to the fact that she is sitting on my bed. That her lips are full and when she sucks one under her top teeth I want it to be my lip.

  “Yeah, it really is.” I sigh and sit beside her, wondering if I’m being an idiot. I really shouldn’t sit next to her. I shouldn’t get so close that something could happen between us.

  “My best friend ditched me hard when I came out. The worst part was at first she was totally cool with it, but when people in school started saying we were together she totally bailed. Wouldn’t even look at me.” Lily shakes her head, long dark hair fluttering against my shoulder. She takes a deep breath. “It’s whatever now, I know she wasn’t a real friend if she could do that, but it still kind of hurts. I was just telling you so you would know I totally get it.” She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. “I know what you are going through.”

  I nod, trying to form words when all I can focus on is how a million nerves in my hand have just woken up and are sending messages to my brain that it is on, that this is go time and I need to kiss her.