“Please don’t.” Zia’s look begs me to stay, but I can’t handle another minute in the small apartment with her and Tyler.
“I’m sorry, I gotta go.”
“I’ll drive you.” Zia sets down her glass.
“Oh, no.” Tyler snatches her keys before she can reach them. “Maybe you don’t want to listen to me about drinking right now, but you are not driving like this.”
For a moment, Zia looks like she might argue, but then she nods. “Okay, fine.” She takes my hand and pulls me into a hug before turning away from us. “You give her a ride home, then.”
I’d rather walk all the way home in a blizzard than ride with Tyler, but I see no reasonable way to get out of it. I step out the door.
“Zia.”
I glance back to see Tyler close to Zia, using one finger to lift her chin so he can look at her. I turn away. I hear them murmuring behind me and glance back once more just in time to see them kissing. I hurry down the stairs, unable to watch any more of it.
Chapter Twenty-nine
We sit in silent awkwardness until we are almost out of town. I consider the advantages of throwing myself out of the car but decide it’s probably a bad idea. I kind of hope he drops me off without saying a word, but that might actually be weirder. Outside is gray and cold, wind blowing colorful leaves across the street in front of us. The warmth of Tyler’s truck is about the only upside to this ride.
“Are you two messing around?” Tyler asks it in a rush so it almost comes out as one big word.
For a millisecond I consider saying yes. If I admit it, then maybe Zia will be forced to. She’d probably hate me for doing it though.
“No.” I sigh. “No, we’re not messing around or hooking up, or whatever else you’re worried about.” My stomach churns at the lie, but I’m amazed at how easy it fell from my mouth.
“Okay.”
I can see the relief fill his face, and it does nothing to alleviate the guilt gnawing at me. Tyler’s a good guy, and I’m lying to his face about what I’ve been doing with his girlfriend. I cross my arms over my chest and bite my lip to keep myself from admitting the truth. Apparently, Tyler takes this as me being hurt.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. It’s just that Zia told me that you’re a lesbian, and you two have been spending a lot of time together. Plus, I don’t know if you noticed, but her and I haven’t exactly been perfect lately.” He gives me a shame-filled smile. “I guess I’m being stupid, though. It’s not like Zia is a lesbian.”
“No.” I snort a laugh thinking of how many times she’s said the same thing to me. “She definitely isn’t.”
“I just love her so much, you know?” He shakes his head and rubs his mouth with one hand.
“I know.” God, did I ever know.
“She’s something special. It probably sounds dumb, but I can see myself marrying her.”
That feels like a punch in the gut, but I manage to nod. “I’m sure it will work out.”
“I hope so. I just wish she wasn’t drinking so much.” He glances sideways at me. “Do you think you could not drink with her? She doesn’t need anyone encouraging it.”
“I’ve never asked her for a single drink.” Now I’m starting to get a little pissed. “Even if I say no to a drink she just keeps drinking.” I turn to look at him. “Really, you’re going to blame her drinking on me when you’re the one who buys her wine?”
“What?” He looks at me with honest surprise. “I don’t buy her anything. She has a fake ID that she uses a couple towns over. I maybe gave her a few beers when we started dating, but now I see how much she drinks, so I don’t even keep beer or wine at my place.” He pauses, glancing at me again. “She said I bought it?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “The first time I was over she said you bought it for her.” I turn away from him, staring through the windshield at the windblown trees that lined the road. “Why would she lie about that?”
“No idea.”
I’m quiet a moment before asking what’s been on my mind for a few days now. “Do you think she has a drinking problem?”
“Yes, I really do. I mean, I get that she’s nineteen, but she’ll drink all day when she isn’t working if I’m not there with her. I’ve even seen her drink before work.”
“I think she’s depressed over the whole baby thing.”
“What baby thing?”
My heart sinks as I turn to him. “The baby she gave up? The one in the pictures?” Tyler glances at me and frowns. “You mean the baby her gay uncles adopted?”
“I mean the baby she gave birth to and put up for adoption.” My heart hammers in my chest. She told him this. She told me she told him this. Tyler pulls the car to the side of the road and turns on his flashers. We stare at each other for a moment in the cab of the truck, country music playing softly in the background. There’s a sinking feeling in my chest that I can’t get rid of.
“We’re talking about the same picture, right?” Tyler asks. I nod. “She told you that it’s a baby she gave up for adoption?”
“Yeah.” I feel like I’m betraying Zia, but she told me Tyler knew. “The first night I stayed there. She told me you knew.”
“Was she drinking that night?”
“Yeah. We both were.”
He turns, gripping the steering wheel and staring out the window. “I really don’t know what to do about her, Molly.”
“Did she lie to me or to you?” I don’t even want to know the answer. Between that and the wine thing, I wonder what else Zia has told me is a lie. But the baby, that has to be true. I’ve seen the way she gets about it.
“Honestly?” Tyler glances my way. “I have no idea.”
He pulls back onto the road, and the rest of the ride home is silent. I thank him and climb out of the truck. No one else is home, so I hurry inside and hop into the shower to wash off any lingering scent of wine and vanilla on me. I turn the water up as hot as I can stand, thinking about Zia. More accurately, I’m thinking about her lies.
There was no reason for her to tell me that Tyler bought her wine, but she lied anyway. I’m pretty sure she was lying to Tyler about the baby. Either way, she lied to me about telling him the truth. I remember how relieved she seemed when she told me he knew. It never crossed my mind that it was a lie.
By the time I finally drag myself out of the shower, the hot water is fading. I put on sweatpants and a long sleeved T-shirt and settle into my room to attempt my homework. For the first time, I really realize how much I’ve let it pile up during my affair with Zia. It’s not good. This is senior year, and if I fall behind so early in the year I might not catch up.
Just before I start my homework, my phone pings to let me know I have a text. I open it.
Zia: I can’t believe you told him about the baby. I thought we were friends.
I power down my phone, unable and unwilling to have this argument. Suddenly homework sounds like the best idea ever. How did the day take such a turn for the worse?
Chapter Thirty
I manage to avoid turning my phone back on that night and wake up to a half dozen texts from Zia.
Zia: He thinks I’m a pathological liar now.
Zia: Where are you????
Zia: I think it really sucks that you’re ignoring me right now.
Zia: So what? You think if you get him to believe I’m crazy then he’ll break up with me and I’ll come running to you? I DON’T think so!
Zia: This is SO immature of you.
Zia: Whatever. Ignore me. I don’t even care anymore.
I type a reply before I’m even out of bed.
Me: My phone was off. I wasn’t ignoring you.
I don’t even know what else to say. What seemed so perfect yesterday feels tainted now. I move through school hardly paying attention until Lily runs up to me at the start of lunch.
“Did you see?” Her eyes are bright as stars with excitement.
“No? What?” I can’t help but feel a
little excitement as she smiles widely and takes my hand, pulling me down the hall.
We stop and I give her a questioning look. She rolls her eyes and points to the sign-up sheet for our fund-raiser. It’s completely full. Someone has taped a piece of notebook paper beside it, and a few people have added their names there.
“All of them are like this.” Lily bounces on her toes, almost unable to contain her excitement. “We already have almost a hundred people signed up.”
“No way.” I feel a smile spreading slowly across my face. She nods and I feel myself itching to bounce like she is.
Before I can, she hugs me tightly. My arms curl instinctively around her small waist and I hear her laugh beside my ear, all the weirdness of the last few days gone. Her excitement has washed away all my anxiety over Zia.
“I can’t believe we’re really going to pull this off.” Lily pulls back, and I’m surprised at how much I miss the feel of her. “I thought maybe we’d get twenty-five people to sign up, maybe fifty. I never expected this many. It’s all because of how you stood up to Carmen yesterday.” She squeezes my hand. “This is amazing.”
I nod, not sure what else to say. “All because you wanted a Queer Alliance here.”
We walk toward the cafeteria and I pull out my phone. I have one text that brings me crashing down.
Zia: Whatever.
All the happiness drains out of me like someone pulled the plug. Lily must notice because she turns to me with a frown.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” Of course I lie, because it wouldn’t be fair to tell her the truth. I can’t expect her to comfort me when she really owes me an “I told you so.” “I just remembered I have to finish some homework in the library. Catch up with you later?”
“Okay.” Lily nods, but she doesn’t look like she believes me.
I barely settle into my homework before Luke is there. He tosses me a granola bar and settles into the chair across from me. Food is strictly forbidden in the library, but since we’re alone, I open the bar and take a bite.
“Thanks.” I continue to focus on my homework, hoping he’ll get the idea to leave.
“Sister?” he says. I look up to see him watching me intently. He’s slouched back in his chair and I wish I felt half as relaxed as he looks in his joggers and Captain America jacket. He raises an eyebrow.
“Brother?” I sigh and close my book, realizing he isn’t going to let this go. “What’s up?”
“Why don’t you tell me?” He flicks hair off his forehead and arches his eyebrow a little higher just in case I hadn’t noticed it.
“Well, I was trying to finish some homework.”
He rolls his eyes and uncrosses his arms, leaning forward. “Molly. Lily just came in saying you checked your phone and got all quiet before bailing on her. When I add that to the three words you said at home last night and this morning, it tells me something is up.”
“Fine. Zia’s mad at me.” I pull out my phone and scroll through it to pull up her texts. I slide the phone across to him watching as he quickly reads through them.
“Wow. She’s gone totally guano on you, huh?”
“Totally. I mean I get it, I did tell Tyler some things I shouldn’t have.”
“Like that she has a baby?” Another eyebrow lift.
“Sure, that, but she told me she told him. I also told him that she said he was buying her wine, but apparently he wasn’t. I should have kept my mouth shut.”
“Molly.” Luke shook his head. “You got to get away from this girl. If she’s acting this way when you aren’t even in a relationship with her, it’s just going to get worse.”
“Says the boy who’s only recently gotten his first real girlfriend.”
“And she’s awesome, isn’t she?”
I have to give him that one. “Yeah, she’s pretty cool.”
“Exactly. Maria is awesome. She also doesn’t treat me like crap. Zia seemed cool when you first started hanging out, but now she’s being a jerk.”
“She’s just upset.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “Don’t be that girl, Mol. You’re better than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re not the sort of girl who lets someone treat her like crap and then makes excuses for them. My sister is cooler than that.”
I sighed and put my head on the table. “But she’s so hot and so cool.”
“And a total jerk to you.”
“I’m going to talk to her after school.” I lift my head, sure in my decision.
“Molly, not a good idea.” Luke gives me a disapproving look.
“I know that.” God, do I know that. “I have to talk to her and give her a chance.” Luke opens his mouth again, but I cut him off. “I’m talking to her.”
Luke only nods.
Chapter Thirty-one
I approach the diner, feeling more than a little bit nervous. I know Zia’s working today, and I figure this would be the best place to try and talk to her. She can’t not let me into the diner, and I can’t push the idea of her slamming her door in my face from my head.
I push through the door and Zia sees me right away. She’s taking an order, though, so her eyes only dart to me a moment before returning to her customer. I stand near the counter, waiting for her to be done. She walks past me without a sideways glance. I follow her around the counter.
“Zia, come on. Let’s talk.”
She ignores me, sliding the order into the kitchen and heading back toward the salad station. I follow her again.
“I’m sorry I told Tyler those things. But I thought he already knew.”
“Well, he didn’t.” She slams a salad plate onto the station so hard I expect it to crack. “And I’d appreciate you staying out of our relationship.”
“You told me he knew.” I throw up my hands in exasperation. “Maybe I’m weird, but that made me think he knew.”
Zia throws together the salad, giving a new reality to the term “tossed salad.” I stand in the back as she takes it out to the table with a bottle of dressing. I wait, hoping she’ll come back but honestly not sure. She walks right past me and out the back door. I follow her, shutting the heavy door behind me and leaving us alone in the small alley. We’re romantically situated between the dumpster and the empty milk crates.
Zia leans against the building, crossing her arms and refusing to look at me. I don’t even know where to begin or what I’m hoping to get out of this.
“I wasn’t trying to mess with your relationship,” I finally say.
“Good, because you didn’t. We worked things out.” She looks at me, waiting for an answer.
“Awesome. I’m glad your straight relationship is going strong even though you and I just had sex.” I know that sounds bitter, but why not be honest?
Zia snorts a small laugh. “I should have known you’d be all clingy after that.”
“What? Are you being serious right now?” I feel like I just got sucker-punched by her words. Clingy? Yeah, I do that when I like someone.
“I told you over and over again that you and I were just having fun. You knew Tyler was my boyfriend.”
“You said you needed time to think.” I’m trying really hard not to cry now, but I can feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes. “You made it seem like there was a chance for us to be together.”
“Why on earth would I want a relationship with you? You’re a high school girl. I’m not gay.” Her eyes are cold, hard stones when she says it. For the first time, I really believe her.
“Well, you could have fooled me.” My voice cracks with tears and I reach for the door. Zia grabs my arm, stopping me.
“I didn’t want things to end like this,” she whispers, the hardness magically gone from her face.
“Then don’t do it.” I search her eyes, looking for any sign that she really doesn’t want this to end. I see none.
She lets go of my arm. “When you’re older—” She pauses, shaking her head.
“After this phase, you’ll realize this is for the best.”
I shake my head, trying to figure out what to say. I settle on the simplest, most accurate response. “Fuck you.”
The words croak out of me, and this time she lets me go inside. I pause just long enough to scribble a note to her uncle explaining that my mom is making me quit because I’m falling behind at school. Zia is still outside when I leave.
Chapter Thirty-two
I don’t know what to do. I wander around town a while. I don’t want to walk home, but I don’t really want to call anyone for a ride either. I can’t call Mom or Dan, and the only other person I know with a car is Maria. If I call her I’ll probably get Luke and maybe even Lily with her. I can’t face either of them right now.
I wander through the junk shops that line Main Street, feeling numb. There’s a deep-seated ache in my guts that almost pulses with the thought of Zia, but it hasn’t transferred to actual feelings yet. I wonder if this is how people in shock feel. Then I feel like a jerk for even comparing my stupid pseudo breakup with the actual medical condition of shock. I mean, we weren’t even a real couple.
After wandering around one shop for long enough to get the evil eye from the old man running it, I step back into the biting October air. It’s still weeks away from Halloween, but all over town people are putting up decorations. It makes me nostalgic for my trick-or-treating years. I hug my jacket tighter. Before, I would have gone to the diner to order fries and wait until Mom got off work. Now I’ll probably never go there again.
“Yo, Molly.” I start at the sound of my name and see Gavin in a rusted-out Dodge Intrepid. He’s grinning like a madman as he leans over the passenger seat to yell out the open window. “Guess who got their license?”
“Congratulations.” I lean down to peer into the car. “Want to give me a ride home?”
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