“I am a lesbian.”
Dad gives me a look. “No, you’re not. You’re a teenage girl. You had a little experiment with a friend and it’s over now. It’s just a shame that people found out.”
“Well, most of them don’t know about the girlfriend. They know about the other girl I made out with this summer at a party.” I cross my arms, staring at Dad and waiting for the next stupid thing he will say.
Dad wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Well, I’m glad you’re over it.”
“Really, Dad?” I’m almost too shocked to have this fight. “I’m not over it. I’m going to a queer youth group meeting tomorrow and I’m hoping to find a new girlfriend there.”
“I really don’t think you should do that.”
I laugh. It’s like I’ve just told him I was planning to be a hooker for Halloween. “Being a lesbian isn’t really a choice.”
“Of course it is.” Dad waves me away. “I’m sure you’ll find a nice boy before the end of the year.”
“I don’t think you should go to that meeting either,” Luke says. I look at him with surprise, but he’s smiling.
“See, listen to your brother. How about some dessert?”
“Why go to a meeting when Lily goes to our school? We could do a double date.”
Dad glares at Luke. “I don’t think you should encourage this.”
“That’s fine.” Luke shrugs. “But I’m going to anyway. Lily is a smokin’ hot ‘Latina’ girl.” Luke makes air quotes around Latina. “And she totally digs on chicks, especially Molly. I totally encourage Molly to get with that.”
“Wow.” I look at Luke. “That was the perfect mix of sweet and offensive.”
Luke nods at me. “That’s kind of my signature move.”
“I think we should head home.” Dad throws his napkin down on his plate. “I’m really disappointed in the two of you right now.”
Luke and I share a conspiratorial grin. I don’t think either of us really care what he thinks anymore.
On the ride home, I begin to wonder if Lily would even go on a double date with me. Is she still interested or did I totally blow it chasing Zia? I think of the way Zia treated me at the diner the day before, and I’m not surprised to feel the sting of her words still. I shake it off. Her loss. It’s time to do what I should have done from the start of the year and pursue Lily. I text Connor.
Me: I don’t think I can come tomorrow.
Connor: How come?
Me: Keep a secret?
Connor: Sure.
Me: Going on a double date with Luke, Maria, and Lily.
Connor: Good. DON’T mess it up!
I put my phone away, grinning to myself. Connor’s right. If I mess this up, I probably won’t get another chance.
Chapter Thirty-five
Luke laughs as he reaches for a fry. “So then she tells him that people don’t even know about the girlfriend, they only know about the girl she made out with.”
Luke, Maria, and even Lily laugh. I smile because listening to Luke rehash my coming out to my dad is pretty funny. It’s Sunday. Luke wasn’t able to get both Maria and Lily out on a double date until today. I’m not sure if Lily knew it was supposed to be a date, though, because when I tried to take her hand, she pulled away, never taking her eyes from the supernatural slasher stalking the woman onscreen. It wasn’t a hard movie to follow, but I could barely pay attention after that.
We’re sitting in the food court now sharing a monster order of fries slathered in salt and vinegar. I keep subtly watching Lily, trying to figure out what’s going on in her head. She seems to be having a good time, but I’m not sure I have anything to do with that.
“So did it get worse after dinner?” Maria asks, aiming the question at me.
“Nah. He just dropped us off at the house and headed to his motel. Usually we’d have breakfast with him, but he had an early flight.” I pull a deliciously soggy fry free and pop it in my mouth, savoring the salty bite of it. “Mom thought it was pretty funny, though.”
“You could tell she was trying not to laugh,” Luke says. “Dan didn’t even bother trying.”
“How old were you when they got divorced?” Lily looks at me. I’m almost too surprised to answer.
“Uh, I was ten?” I look at Luke and he nods. “Yeah, ten. But he wasn’t even around much before that so it didn’t make much difference to us.”
Lily shakes her head. “I can’t believe he straight up didn’t believe you. Who says that?”
“My dad.” I grin. “Luke, do you remember when you told him that kid in middle school was bothering you?”
“Kevin Dudless?” He rolls his eyes. “How could I forget?” He turns his attention to Maria and Lily. “It was in fifth grade, and he used to tell everyone I still wet the bed and slept with stuffed animals.”
“He was half right,” I say.
“Mr. Snuffles is a companion, not a stuffed animal.” Luke pretends to be angry, glaring at me. I grin.
“Oh my God.” Maria covers her mouth with her hands then lowers them, revealing a wide grin. “You still have him, don’t you? That is so cute.”
“Of course I still have him. You don’t get rid of old friends.”
“My brother, the only teenage boy happy to admit he still has his first stuffed animal.”
Luke leans over the table pointing at me. “Companion. He is a fabricated Elephant American.”
Maria grabs Luke’s arm, pulling him over for a long kiss. I avert my eyes and find Lily doing the same. She gives me a small smile. I smile nervously in return. She coughs and elbows Maria. They break apart.
“So what did your dad say?” Lily prompts.
“Oh, yeah.” Luke wipes his mouth before reaching for a fry. “Basically the same thing he said to Molly. ‘My son doesn’t get pushed around.’ That was his idea of dealing with it.”
“So what happened to make it stop?” Maria asks.
“Kevin moved away halfway through the year and I won a pie eating contest.” Luke shrugs. “That gave everyone something else to say about me.”
“Dad’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t come to visit to hear our problems.” I look down, speaking to my hands. I can joke about my dad, but it does get to me sometimes.
Luke kicks me under the table and grins when I look up. “His loss. We have some very interesting problems.”
I manage a small smile and nod.
“Hey, I want to go down to American Eagle for a minute,” Lily says. She glances at me. “Want to come with me?”
“Sure.” I hurry to stand before she changes her mind. Luke and Maria don’t even pretend they are going to come with us. They’re kissing again before we’ve left the table.
I stand behind her on the escalator. Her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail, leaving tendrils curling perfectly around her face. Her torn jeans are tucked into boots that look well loved. She’s wearing a fake leather jacket and I smile thinking of the bright pink shirt below it that reads “Trust Me I’m A Zombie.” I love how easily she goes from wearing floral print dresses to outfits totally at home in Hot Topic. By comparison my outfit is way too generic: navy and white striped sweater over skinny jeans with Converse sneakers.
“What you thinking about?” Lily asks as we step off the escalator.
I answer without really thinking about it. “Your outfit.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I worry it might have sounded creepy.
“Do you like it?” She does a small spin for me, smiling as her hair flies almost high enough to hit my face. “I couldn’t resist the shirt.”
“You never struck me as a zombie fan,” I say.
“Are you kidding? Zombie movies are my favorite.” She shrugs. “Plus, I figured if we were seeing a horror movie, I should wear a horror shirt.”
We’re quiet for a moment, but it doesn’t feel quiet because the mall is so loud. My hand itches to take hers, but I know I shouldn’t. My eyes drift over our faded reflections in the store
windows we pass, and I wonder what we look like to the people passing us. Do they have any idea how much I want to take her hand, or do we just look like friends? Are we just friends? Is Lily totally over me now?
Questions are still racing through my mind as we enter American Eagle. Lily runs a hand over the front display of folded T-shirts, then examines a sheer white shirt before moving to a rack of jeans. She pulls a pair off and holds them against herself.
“What do you think?”
I shrug. “Probably good, but I don’t like all the holes in them.”
“Yeah.” Lily pulls the jeans back to look at them again before wrinkling her nose and putting them back. “Probably too cold for the winter.” She picks up the sheer shirt again, holding it under her arm. “This I like, though.”
I follow her through the store until she’s found an army green jacket and a navy tank top to go with the shirt. I wait in the hall outside the dressing room as she tries them on. I’ve waited for Carmen to try clothes on plenty of times, but doing it for Lily makes me feel like one of those boyfriends you always see on their phone holding their girl’s purse.
“So?” Lily steps out of the room.
“Awesome.” I nod, taking in the new look. The sheer white top is loose and reminds me of summer, but the jacket makes it a perfect fall outfit. “You going to get them?”
“Just the white shirt, I think.” Lily looks at herself in the mirror, turning this way and that. “I already have a jacket kind of like this, and I don’t need another tank top.” She stops turning and smiles at me in the mirror. “Wow, I guess it really does look good if you’re giving me that look.”
I look away, feeling my face grow warm. Lily laughs and goes back into the dressing room.
“I’m glad we did this today,” Lily says as we leave the store. “It was nice to hang out with you outside of school.”
“Yeah.” I nod. “So…” I want to ask why she wouldn’t hold my hand in the theater, but I can’t bring myself to. “Should we go meet Luke and Maria?”
“Yeah.” Lily glances at her phone. “The mall’s closing soon anyway.”
As we ride up the escalator, she shares a stair with me, pressing closer than she needs to with the rest of the escalator empty. I try to enjoy the closeness of her without reading too much into it. I almost take her hand but chicken out again.
Maria and Luke are right where we left them, no longer making out but sitting close and talking quietly. I can’t believe the pang of jealousy I get watching my little brother have that with a girl. I mean, I’m happy he found a cool girlfriend, but it sucks that I can’t seem to do the same.
“They are sickeningly cute together, aren’t they?” Lily glances my way as we cross the food court.
“Yeah.” They haven’t noticed us yet and begin to kiss again. I stop. “That’s the sickening part.”
Lily laughs and takes my arm, tugging me over to the glass wall that overlooks the mall. We lean against the metal rail at the top and look down at the shoppers.
“So, this probably wasn’t the best double date you’ve ever been on, huh?” she asks.
I look quickly at Lily, then turn away again. So she did know this was supposed to be a date. Unlike me, she had the balls to bring it up, which is just one more awesome thing about her. Why didn’t I just woman up and date her the minute she arrived at our school? I would have saved myself so much heartbreak.
“Well, actually it is the best double date I’ve been on.” When she looks at me in surprise, I grin. “I’ve never been on one before.”
“Oh.” She smiles, and once again, I’m struck by how it lights up her entire face. “Well, sorry I didn’t let it get very date-like.”
I shrug. “It’s fine. I mean, I get it. I was a total jerk to you. I’m surprised you even came along.”
“Maria can be very convincing.”
“I’m sure. So, are we cool? Can you forgive me for being a total douchecanoe?”
She laughs. “Douchecanoe? Sure, I can forgive you, but don’t expect a kiss goodnight.”
That stings, but I put on a smile anyway. “Your terms are harsh but fair.”
We share a smile, and I pray that this means I still have a chance with her.
Chapter Thirty-six
Monday in study hall I get a library pass and settle myself into an out-of-the-way table in hopes of getting caught up on some reading. I’m unable to resist the temptation to check my text messages, though. When I see I have one from Lily, nervousness fills my gut.
Lily: I had a great time yesterday.
Me: Me too. So are we calling that a first date?
I send my reply before I can stop myself. I need to know what is going on. I slip my phone away and try to focus on reading. I’m not absorbing any of it, though. My brain is far too focused on other things. I keep checking my phone every few minutes even though I know Lily probably can’t check her phone. When I get a reply, I grin.
Lily: Maybe. ;-)
Me: I really wanted to hold your hand.
Lily: We’ve rushed into making out twice and it ended bad. I want it to work this time. We’re going slow.
Me: I can do slow.
Lily: This isn’t just some rebound thing, is it?
I sit with my thumbs hovering over the keys for a minute, heart doing cartwheels in my chest as I think over her question. Is this a rebound thing? Am I only interested in her because things ended with Zia? No, I don’t think so.
Me: No. I needed to be with Zia because it felt safer than being with you. You scared me.
Lily: I never meant to.
Me: I know. It was my fault. I was being stupid thinking that if I didn’t date someone here, people wouldn’t talk about me.
Lily: Shouldn’t have made out with me in the first place then. =)
Me: Best mistake I ever made.
I smile to myself, knowing it’s true. Sure, making out with her pretty much threw my life into a tailspin for a little bit, but I am happier now than ever. I have friends who know exactly who I am and are cool with me. I thought I had that with Carmen, but thinking back, I realize how hard I was always trying with her. If she said something wasn’t cool, I never would have tried to argue with her. I let her make a lot of my decisions, all the way down to which boys were cool enough for me to date. It all seems stupid now. All so that we could sit at the fringe of high school popularity. At least my coming out got her in with the popular kids, like she always wanted.
Lily: Flattery is nice, but I’m still going to make you work for your next chance to kiss me.
I put my phone away, smiling to myself. Knowing I will get to kiss her again is worth any amount of work. With that in mind, I pulled my book toward me again. If I keep falling behind in school, Mom will ground me and I won’t be kissing anyone.
I meet Lily in the hallway heading for Mrs. Bianco’s room at the beginning of lunch. She’s struggling to balance her lunch tray and a pile of books in her arms.
“Here.” I take her books, holding them in one arm. “Better?”
“Thanks.” Lily smiles. “I’ll give you twenty points for chivalry.”
“Oh, this is a point system, huh?” I smile. “What am I trying to get to?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“You’re going to make this hard, aren’t you?”
She leans close to whisper and tickle my ear with her words. “It’ll be worth it.”
I follow her to Mrs. Bianco’s room, grinning like an idiot. When Lily stops in the doorway, I almost walk right into her. I stop myself just in time and step sideways to lean around her. Peering into the room, I see what made her stop so suddenly. There must be twenty-five kids in Mrs. Bianco’s room.
“Oh, Lily, good.” Mrs. Bianco looks stressed but happy. “Can you take everyone over to the library? I sent the first group over there a few minutes ago. Luke and Maria got the okay from Ms. Ferris for the meeting to move there.”
“The first group?” Lily looks stunned
. Mrs. Bianco just nods, smiling. “Okay, let’s go, then.”
Everyone follows us to the library, leaving Mrs. Bianco to wait in her room in case anyone else shows up. Luke grins when we enter the library. There is already a group as big as ours waiting there.
“What the hell happened?” Lily asks, setting down her tray.
“Isn’t it awesome?” Luke is practically bouncing with excitement. “People are pissed that Carmen’s dad is trying to cancel the fund-raiser.”
“It seems like everyone who signed up for the dance is showing up,” Maria says.
“And a few more people.” Luke nods to the scrawny kid from our bus who I talked to on Friday. He’s got two other boys with him, neither of whom look any older than him.
“I can’t believe this.” Lily shakes her head.
By the time we start the meeting, we have more than sixty people in the library. I sit with Luke, Maria, and Gavin, watching as Lily stands up before the group. The library has been filled with the mutter of conversation, but it stops as Lily clears her throat. A chill runs through me as silence fills the room. We’re about to do something big, I know it.
“First, I want to thank everyone for coming today. Usually when we have new people we’ll do a little bit of an introduction, but that could be the whole meeting today.” Lily smiles and a smattering of laughter fills the room. “So I’ll just get right to the meeting. We’re here today to discuss the upcoming review of our fund-raiser. Apparently a parent has complained to the school board that we are promoting a moral agenda with our fund-raiser.”
“Yeah, the moral agenda to treat people with respect no matter what,” a girl calls. Laughter follows.
“That’s pretty much what we need to convince the school board of.” Lily looks at some notes in her hands. “Our fund-raiser is going to be up for review in two days, which doesn’t give us much time to prepare.”
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