“That’s not what’s going to happen.” I stand, pulling on my hoodie. “I’m over her. I get how messed up the whole situation was. We need closure.”
“That’s what everyone says and then it never happens.” Luke pushes a hand through his hair. “I’m telling you, this is a bad idea.”
I don’t listen to him. I mean, he’s my little brother and this is Zia. I owe it to her to listen to what she has to say. She said some hurtful things and if she wants to apologize, maybe it will be good for both of us. Mom nods absently when I ask to take the car into town. She and Dan are cuddled on the couch watching reality television, clearly not planning to leave the house.
The drive into town is dark and quiet. I can’t have the radio on because I’m too nervous and it seems too loud. Part of me wonders if Luke is right. Am I doing this hoping that she will have realized we should be together? I don’t think I am, but I’m honestly not sure.
I park the car on her street and sit in it a minute, working up the nerve to head inside. Before I can chicken out, I open the door and let the burst of cold air hurry me inside. Far too quickly, I’m knocking on the door.
Zia smiles when she sees me. She’s wearing jeans with a small tear at the knee and a white T-shirt. Her hair is long and loose. I almost turn around right then, because I can’t pretend I’m not still attracted to her. I can say I’m over her, but I think there is always going to be that flutter in my stomach when I see her, no matter how long it’s been. She is always going to be the first girl I fell for. Instead, I step inside.
We stand for an awkward moment inside her door, looking at each other like we’ve never been alone together before. I shift from foot to foot, then slip off my sneakers just so I’ll have something to do. It’s almost too warm in the tiny apartment, so I take off my hoodie too. I cross my bare arms, feeling exposed in my T-shirt.
“Coffee?” Zia turns and almost runs to the counter. She begins pulling instant coffee from the cupboard.
“I don’t actually drink coffee.” I step forward and brace myself on the back of a chair, gripping the wood.
“Oh.” Zia turns, hands behind her on the counter. “I’d offer you some wine, but Tyler is making sure I don’t have any these days.”
I bite my lip before I realize I’m doing it, and the thought of Lily stabs through me. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Zia waves my words away. “He’s right. I was getting out of hand. Tea?”
“Sure.” I don’t really drink tea either, but I feel like I should say yes.
She makes two cups of tea and we sit at the kitchen table. It’s strange, because we never sat here before. She seems very far away from me on the other side of the small table. I wrap my hands around the warm mug, even though I’m far from cold.
“I wasn’t lying about my daughter. Not to you.”
My eyes snap up at the words, but Zia is focused on her tea, almost like she’s talking to it.
“You’re the first person I told who wasn’t around when it happened. I mean, I left my hometown so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. With the way people looked at me. Half of them acted like I was this slutty girl who got herself knocked up and should be grateful that someone else was willing to raise the kid and the other half acted like I was going to fall apart at any moment.” She shakes her head. “I just wanted to be normal, forget that any of it ever happened, you know?”
I nod, because that makes sense. “Sure, I get that. So, did you feel normal here?”
Zia shrugs. “Not really. It was easier to pretend here, though, with no one knowing what happened. But I still felt it, this hole right at the center of me where that little girl grew.” She blinks back tears and I fight the urge to reach for her hand. “I know what I did was best for her. I wasn’t going to be a good mom. I didn’t want her to grow up with me struggling the whole time. I didn’t want to resent her for making me give up my life. But it still hurts.” She sighs and takes a gulp of tea. “So yeah, I had all that going on, but I could pretend. Then I met you and I felt ridiculously close to you almost the first day. I don’t know why.” Zia looks up to see me staring at her. She gives me a half-smile. “I guess it was easier to throw myself into being friends with you than it was to risk believing in what was going on with Tyler.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.” I shake my head. “Tyler is a great guy.”
“I know.” Zia nods. “That’s kind of the problem. He’s so great that I was just walking around waiting to fuck it up. I’ve messed up so much in my life I didn’t feel like I could be with someone as great as he is.”
“So you started hooking up with me, because who cares if you mess that up?” It’s mean, but I can’t help it.
“No, that isn’t it at all. I never meant to do that.” Zia reaches for my hand, but I pull it away. She sighs, closing her hand over nothing. “I guess I was curious. I never kissed a girl before and you were so obviously into me that I figured it would be easy. I figured it would make you happy if we made out a couple drunken times.”
“It was more than a couple times.” I take a sip of the tea, surprised by how good it tastes.
“I know.” Zia gives me that half-smile again, hair falling over one eye, and I can’t help but smile back. “I liked it a little more than I expected to. It was so easy with you.”
“So why didn’t you break up with Tyler to be with me?” I can’t help but ask the question, even though my heart pounds in fear at her answer.
Zia shakes her head. “Tyler’s a good guy. I could marry him. My uncle even likes him, which means my mom is already excited about him.” Zia looks down at her mug. “I’ve put my family through so much crap. Just one thing after another. I didn’t want to add having a girlfriend to that list.”
“Are you happy with Tyler?”
“Of course.” Zia laughs. “He’s sweet, he loves me, and it isn’t complicated to be with him. He wants to make me a better person.”
I nod, because that’s all true. I just can’t help feeling like she’s lying to herself. But didn’t I wish I could do the same when things were bad?
“I never would have been drinking with you if I knew you had a problem.” I want her to know that. I feel like I’ve added to her issues.
“I know,” Zia says quickly. “I didn’t mean that. I don’t blame you for that at all. I liked having someone to drink with. I used to drink a lot, and smoke pot, and do whatever else came my way. I gave it all up when I knew I was pregnant, but I got back into drinking after. At first it was to help numb things, but with you I wanted to be drunk for other reasons.”
“Thanks.”
“God, that sounded bad.” Zia puts her head in her hands. “If I was drunk I could tell myself we were just fooling around because we were drunk. The more I liked being with you, the more I drank.”
“Why?” I know why, I just want to hear her say it.
Zia takes a deep breath and looks up at me. “Because I think about you a lot. Kissing you and touching you made me feel something I’d never felt before, and it scared the shit out of me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized you’re probably right. I think I am bisexual.”
“Why are you telling me that now?”
She reaches for my hand and I reluctantly give it to her. “I could break up with Tyler. I could give us a real shot.”
I bark out a small laugh and stand up, hands linked behind my head. I could tell myself that she meant what she said. I could tell myself that we’d be a great couple and she’d invite me to meet her family and things would be wonderful, but I don’t believe it. She’s already hurt me too much. Plus, there is Lily. Lily who is good, and sweet, and has always liked me enough to want to tell the world.
“I guess that’s a no.” Zia actually sounds hurt, and that pisses me off enough to be sure about my choice.
“Yeah, it’s a no. You had your chance to be with me and you broke my heart. I know you were in a bad place and all that, but you made a mess of it.
”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect.” She scowls.
“Yeah, you weren’t. But it’s more than that. There’s someone else in my life who is awesome and actually wants be with me and has wanted to be with me.”
“It’s okay.” But it doesn’t look okay. Zia looks like she might cry, and that softens me a little.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“I understand. Can we be friends?” Zia looks heartbreakingly hopeful.
“I can’t be friends with you.” I try to make it sound like it hurts me to say the words, because it does. “I don’t think we ever really were friends.”
“Okay.” She nods, eyes focused on her mug again. “So I guess I’ll see you around the diner?”
“Yeah.” I stand, knowing she’s dismissing me. I pause just before opening the door. I look back at her. “I hope you figure things out. You have nothing to be ashamed of, not giving up your daughter, and not the feelings you have for me. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can be happy again.”
Zia nods without looking up, and I’m just about to slip out the door when she speaks again. “What’s her name?”
“Huh?” I stop, one foot already out the door.
“The girl who is brave enough to tell the world she loves you?” Zia looks up then and her wide eyes meet mine and they should draw me back, but for the first time I’m not feeling it. I’m thinking of Lily and the way she looks at me like I am everything in the world.
“Lily.”
Zia nods and I wait for her to say something else. When she doesn’t, I slip out the door and shut it behind me.
Chapter Forty
I drive home on autopilot, running the conversation with Zia back in my head. After making it home, I rush upstairs without talking to anyone. I’m in bed by nine with the lights off. When I hear a knock on the door, I ignore it. Hours later, I still lie, staring at the ceiling, telling myself I made the right decision. I know it’s the truth.
Maybe Zia would have broken up with Tyler. Maybe she is bisexual and we could have started a real relationship. I doubt that, though. More likely, I’d have ended up being strung along again. Realizing how true that is, I grab my phone and delete Zia’s number. I’m done with her. From here on, I’m all in on Lily. I think back to the kiss with Lily that started this all. It was mind blowing, but it was also fun. We laughed and smiled and shared way more than the kiss. Did I have that with Zia? I don’t think so. Everything with her was too intense for me to call it fun.
Lily, who can light up a room with her smile, who doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her or us. That’s what I want. I’ll prove to her that I’ve changed and I’m ready to proudly tell anyone who will listen that she’s my girlfriend. With that decision made, I finally fell asleep. It’s some of the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. Unfortunately I was up so late that I don’t get near enough sleep, and when I wake up I’m a groggy mess. Luke shoots me looks over breakfast but doesn’t say anything until we’re on the bus to school.
“You totally hooked up with her, didn’t you?”
I give him a look. “Seriously? We’re going to do this here?” My eyes roam over the half dozen other kids I can see from my seat.
“I knew that would happen if you went over there.”
I roll my eyes. Apparently Luke isn’t going to be distracted, but at least he lowered his voice. I take another glance around, but no one is looking our way. I turn in the seat to face him.
“Nothing happened.” He opens his mouth, but I put up a hand to stop him. “Nothing at all happened. She was ready and willing and I almost went for it, but nothing happened.”
“Why not?”
“Really?” I shove him. “You’re the one who said not to.”
“I know.” Luke grins. “I just wanted to know if you heard my voice like some angel on your shoulder.”
“No, thank God. It was tempting. She said she would leave Tyler and we could be together.”
“Holy crap, and you still said no?”
“I don’t want to hurt Lily. Plus you’re right. Zia treated me like crap. I can’t trust her after everything. I want to be with someone who isn’t afraid to want to be with me.”
Luke puts a hand on my shoulder. “I’m proud of you, sis.”
I snort and shove his hand off my shoulder. “Shut up, dork. Anyway, thanks for keeping me in line.”
Luke holds my gaze a moment before nodding. Once again I am struck by how grown up he seems. More than that, I realize with a start, he’s become one of my best friends this year. It’s strange to admit, but I am happy about it.
*
“So,” Lily says, leaning against the locker beside mine. I freeze, thinking she knows that I went to Zia’s. Then she smiles and I feel a million times better. “What are you doing Sunday?”
“Um, watching reruns? Maybe taking a shower.” I grin. “Why, what were you thinking?”
“Maybe a date?” Lily raises an eyebrow. When she smiles, her hair falls over her eyes and she shakes it back.
I smile. “That sounds awesome.”
“Or gross, depending on who you ask,” Carmen says.
I turn to see Carmen walking up behind me. She looks far too smug for someone who just lost her battle with the school board. Her jeans are tucked into fur-lined boots and she is wearing a sweater that I’ve borrowed half a dozen times. The thought makes me sad.
“Good thing we weren’t asking you,” Lily says before I can gather my thoughts.
“Oh, what a hero you are, standing up for your lady. That’s so sweet I could be sick.”
Lily bristles and I wouldn’t be surprised if she throws a punch. I spot Connor at the end of the hallway with Emma, Mick, and Gavin. Their eyes are on us. I give them a slight jerk of my head and they head our way.
I close my locker and take Lily’s hand. Just as the others almost reach us, I turn to Carmen and smile. “Nice talking to you, Carmen. See you around.” I tug Lily to join the others. They hesitate only a moment before continuing down the hall.
“You’re just going to let her get away with talking to us that way?” Lily asks.
“Yes. I’m tired of fighting. She used to be one of my best friends.” I glance over my shoulder to see Carmen watching us, some of the hatred draining from her face.
“I think she’s right.” Connor hikes his backpack up higher on his shoulders. “A girl like that feeds on conflict. Just let her burn herself out.”
“Why are you so smart for a freshman?” I put an arm around Connor’s shoulders. I realize happily that I haven’t let go of Lily’s hand yet. There is something thrilling about striding down the hall, holding her hand and not thinking twice about what the other students are thinking. One of Emma’s friends waves as we pass.
“Just lucky, I guess.” Connor shrugs off my arm, but he’s grinning.
“So what’s the plan for this dance?” Gavin asks. “And I nominate myself not to decorate.”
“Don’t worry, we wouldn’t ask you to do something so far out of your comfort zone. I was thinking you and Luke could go with Maria to get drinks,” Lily says.
“That I can do.”
“I can help decorate,” Emma says.
Lily glances sideways at me. “So about that date. How do you feel about it being more of a decoration-making party?”
I laugh. “Do I really have a choice?” Lily opens her mouth, but I stop her before she can say anything. “It’s fine. We can do it at our place.”
“Thanks.” Lily squeezes my hand, and her smile almost makes losing out on the date worth it.
“You want to come?” I ask Connor.
He shrugs. “Sure, but I probably won’t be as much help with the glitter as Emma is.”
“Do you think I could invite Dani?” Emma asks so quietly her words are almost lost in the hallway.
“I knew you had a crush on her.” Mick laughs.
“Invite her.” I glance over and see Emma blushing. “Any extra help wil
l be good. You too, Mick?”
“I’ll try. My brothers are both home this weekend, so I don’t know if I’ll make it out. Apparently we are having a family meeting.”
“That doesn’t sound good.” I wince.
Mick shrugs. “We’ll see. My dad called me Mick the other day, so progress.”
“That’s great.” Lily squeezes Mick’s hand then looks at the rest of us. “Okay, so I’ll pick up some supplies and we will all meet at Molly’s house Sunday.” Lily is practically bouncing up and down and I love how easily she bares every feeling.
“Awesome.”
Now I just have to let Mom know her house is going to be invaded by teenagers.
Chapter Forty-one
Mom was so into the idea of the decoration party that she made a special run to the grocery store to buy snacks. By one o’clock on Sunday, the kitchen counter is covered in chip bags as well as a veggie platter and three dips. Two frozen pizzas are baking and there are six liters of soda in the fridge.
Just after one, the doorbell rings and I hurry to see who it is. I’m not surprised when it’s Lily. She holds up two big bags of supplies.
“There’s a pile of poster board in the car, can you grab it?”
“Sure.” I hurry out into the brisk afternoon. By the time I grab the poster board and make it back inside, I wish I was wearing a coat.
I find Lily in the kitchen, showing Mom her ideas for the decorations. She’s sketched out a dozen or so plans in a sketchbook. I come up behind her, resting my hand on the small of her back as I lean in to see the drawings.
“I didn’t realize you could draw,” I say.
Lily shrugs, leaning back into my hand, and I can’t help but move my fingers. I wonder if that small touch affects her the way it does me. With my other hand, I flip through the book. Some of the drawings are really detailed. They are all impressive.
“Lily, these are beautiful.” Mom puts her hand down to stop me from flipping past a page with a trio of butterflies on it. They are done in pencil but look real enough to fly off the page.
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