He gently restrained her. “Take it easy. She wasn’t due for another two months, remember? She is premature. They can’t take care of her at this hospital, so they have taken her to another one.”
“Where?”
“Bangor.”
“That’s so far. She’s all alone.” A tear slipped from the corner of her eye.
“She isn’t alone. She has some wonderful nurses and doctors taking care of her.”
“That’s not the same. Are you sure she is okay?” She raised her hand and he took hold of it. He was so strong and so gentle. If only she could believe that his affection was real.
“I saw her before they took her away and she was hollering at the top of her lungs.”
“That’s goot, isn’t it?”
“Very goot.”
Gemma cringed with the rising pain. “She needs you, Jesse. You have to be with her.”
“We will go see her together,” he coaxed.
“Nee, you have to protect her. She needs you.”
He bent close. “You need me here.”
“I do, but she needs you more. Promise you’ll go.”
“I promise. Now, get some rest.”
“Okay.” Gemma closed her eyes and let her mind float away. Why did you marry me, Jesse?
Chapter Fifteen
By late that afternoon, Jesse was in Bangor at the medical center. Dale had been able to drive him, and Jesse was grateful to the bishop for arranging it. He went through the routine of filling out paperwork at the admissions office and then was asked to wait until a volunteer escort could show him to the nursery. All the while, his mind kept jumping back to Gemma. Was she doing okay? Was she in much pain?
He was torn between the need to be with his new wife and the desire to be with his new daughter. Gemma had insisted that he come to protect the baby. He didn’t know what he could do that couldn’t be done by the nurses and staff taking care of her but if his being here relieved Gemma’s mind, he would make the long trip as often as she wanted him to.
An elderly man in a pink jacket arrived to show Jesse the way. As they walked together along a lengthy hall, the man cast a sidelong glance at him. “Are you Amish or Mennonite?”
“Amish.”
“There aren’t many of you folks this far north.”
“There are more coming every year. The price of your farmland is reasonable and that makes Maine attractive to us.”
“Are you a potato farmer?”
“I am. In the off-season, I build garden sheds and tiny houses at a business near my farm.”
“I grew up on a potato farm. I’m old enough to remember my grandfather farming with horses. It’s nice to see that coming back.”
“Many of our Englisch neighbors in New Covenant feel the same way.”
They stopped at an elevator and got on when the doors opened. The man selected the floor and pushed the button.
“I’m going to take you as far as the NICU doors,” he said when the elevator stopped. He pointed the way, and Jesse stepped out. A receptionist sat behind a glassed-in desk. She opened a set of double doors and beckoned him inside. He followed her into the nursery, where she showed him how to scrub his hands up to his elbows and informed him he would do this every time he came in. He was willing to do whatever it took to safeguard his child.
Another nurse was summoned. She was a tall girl with a long black ponytail. She introduced herself as Jill and said she was Baby Crump’s nurse. Her calm and friendly demeanor went a long way to soothe his worries.
At his daughter’s bedside, he stopped in surprise when he saw the jumble of wires that were hooked to her. She was still wearing her oxygen tubing, but she was just as beautiful as he remembered. She lay on an open bed with a heating unit above her. An IV hung from a pole on a small machine that hummed and clicked softly. A white bandage on her arm held the IV in place. Behind her, a screen displayed several bouncing red lines and a lot of numbers that meant nothing to him. He stared at them, trying to make sense of what they were telling him.
“Mothers gaze at their baby’s face. Fathers spend more time watching the monitors,” Jill said with a chuckle.
“Then they must understand what the numbers mean because I don’t,” he admitted. “How is she doing?”
“Very well. She has some mild breathing problems, but the oxygen she is on is a small amount. Is her mother going to be nursing her or using formula?”
“I believe she will nurse her, but I don’t know for sure. It will be several days before she can come here.”
“It is almost her feeding time. Would you like to hold her?”
Excitement made him giddy. “Of course I would.” His elation took a quick dive, tempered by uncertainty. “Are you sure it’s okay?”
Smiling, Jill patted his arm. “I’ll be right here. Have you heard of kangaroo care?”
He shook his head. “What does an Australian animal have to do with human babies?”
“That is what we call it when parents hold their baby skin to skin. We’ll lay her on your bare chest and cover her with a blanket. Your body heat will keep her warm. The sound of your heartbeat will soothe her. We have found premature babies gain more weight and grow better with this type of contact. Want to try it?”
“Sure.”
“We ask that you hold her for at least an hour. Do you have that much time today?”
“I have all the time she needs.”
Jill grinned. “I like your attitude. I need to get her feeding ready.”
The baby lay on her side with both hands tucked under her chin. He leaned in to speak softly to her. “Goot morn, Liebchen. Do you remember me? I’m your daed. Your father. I get to hold you today. Would you like that?”
Her eyes fluttered open at the sound of his voice, and she yawned.
Jill chuckled as she came back with the syringe filled with what he assumed was infant formula. “I don’t think she’s as eager as you are.”
She indicated a recliner beside the bed. “Okay, Jesse, unbutton your shirt.”
Feeling self-conscious, he sat still as a stone in the chair while the nurses transferred the babe. One of her wires came loose. Alarms sounded. He looked to Jill, who smiled reassuringly. “Just a loose lead. She’s fine.” She laid the baby on his chest and reconnected her to the monitor. The steady beep, beep, beep was comforting.
His large hands covered his daughter’s entire body. She lay light as a feather against him. A rush of emotion filled his heart to overflowing, making it hard to breathe. Jill laid a warm blanket over the two of them, and the babe proceeded to make herself comfortable. She wiggled against his skin, her tiny fingers grasping handfuls of his chest hair. It was an amazing feeling, having her tiny warm body next to his heart. He wanted to hold on to this marvelous moment forever. He was holding Gemma’s daughter. His daughter. It was everything he had imagined it would be and more.
Could she hear his heartbeat? Did she recall the sound of her mother’s beating heart? Sadness settled over him, dulling his happiness. He looked up at Jill standing close by. “It should be her mother holding her for the first time.”
“Her mother held her safe and close for all these past months. It’s okay for Dad to take his turn. Would you like me to take a picture for you?”
He considered her offer carefully. “If you make sure my face is not seen it will be acceptable. I’m sure her mother will want to know what she looks like.”
As eager as he had been to see and hold his child, he was just as eager to get back to Gemma. Hopefully all of them would soon be together. He looked up when a man in a white coat stopped in front of him. He introduced himself as the baby’s neonatologist and proceeded to update Jesse on the things that they were watching. It wasn’t as good of a report as Jesse had been hoping to hear.
* * *
On the f
ollowing morning, Gemma was sitting up in the chair for the first time when Jesse walked in. Relief and delight swirled through her body before she could tamp down her emotions. She wanted to fling herself into his arms, but she knew that wasn’t going to happen. “How is she? I miss her so much and I’ve never even seen her face.”
“I can help with that.” He pulled a chair over to her and sat down. He wanted to kiss her; the need to hold her close burned in his chest but he didn’t want to hurt her. He settled for a quick peck on her cheek when he was sure no one was watching. Public displays of affection between Amish adults, even married ones, were frowned upon. He longed to tell her how much she had come to mean to him, but the uncertainty between them kept him silent.
He took out his wallet and carefully removed the photograph Jill had taken of their baby. Only Jesse’s fingers were visible in it. Gemma’s hands shook as she took it and gazed at it with a look of endearing tenderness. Then slowly the joy in her eyes dimmed. “What’s on her face? What’s wrong with her arm? Is it broken?”
He had become accustomed to seeing the baby with all her tubing and equipment. He had to remember that Gemma had not seen any of it. “The little tube in her nose is giving her oxygen. That white bandage on her arm is to keep her from pulling her IV out. The blue tube in her mouth goes to her stomach. That’s the way they feed her right now. When she gets a little bigger, they will use a bottle until you can nurse her. Isn’t she beautiful? Her hair has hints of red in it. Her eyes are blue, but they told me all babies have blue eyes. I think she looks like you.”
“You never met Robert. She isn’t fine, is she? She’s sick. They wouldn’t be giving her oxygen if she was fine.”
He had been trying hard to make it sound positive, but Gemma was right. “She’s needing a little more oxygen today. Her blood levels show she may need a transfusion. They say it’s not unexpected, and they still believe she’s doing well. They just have to keep a close eye on her.”
“You should be there. Why did you come back?”
“To see my wife. To bring her a picture of her daughter. I’m sure the bishop won’t object to one photograph in a situation like ours. They are taking good care of her.”
Gemma closed her eyes and nodded slightly. Was he telling the truth or trying to spare her? “I’m sorry. It was kind of you to think of me. I’m tired, that’s all. Would you call the nurse to help me back to bed?”
“Sure thing.” He rose and stepped out into the hall until he located a staff member. He waited outside the room while they moved her. Once she was back in bed, the nurse’s aide opened the door. Gemma heard someone call his name. Michael, Bethany and Anna were coming toward her room. Ivan and Jenny followed behind them with a pair of bright pink balloons in hand. It’s a Girl was written in gold lettering. Her parents came behind the children.
Gemma blinked away the moisture in her eyes. How could she tell her friends and family it was too soon to celebrate the birth of her baby? She couldn’t. She would smile, thank them and keep her deep fear hidden from everyone, including Jesse. She was terrified her daughter was going to die.
* * *
Four days later, when Gemma was released from the hospital, she and Jesse made the long trip to Bangor with plans to stay for a week and perhaps longer in the accommodations the hospital provided for families with infants in the NICU. Jesse kept a close eye on Gemma. She was quiet and withdrawn. He worried that the trip was too much for her so soon after surgery.
She never complained, so he had little evidence to base his feelings on. Something just wasn’t right.
When they were settled in the guest rooms, he went to the kitchenette and fixed them both a cup of hot tea. He offered it to Gemma. “It’s not rose hip tea, but it’s okay.”
She accepted her cup gratefully. “It’s hot and that’s what counts. Our marriage isn’t off to a very good start. You must regret marrying me.”
“Of course I don’t. I have a beautiful new daughter. Jill is going to ask me if we have picked a name for her yet. Shall we decide before we go over to visit her?”
“I’m not up to a visit just yet.” She put her cup down.
Was she feeling worse than she was letting on? “That’s fine. What about the name?”
“I won’t know until I see her face. The picture was nice but seeing her in person will be best.”
“That I understand. Can I do anything for you before I go over to visit her?”
She kept her gaze down. “I’m fine, Jesse. Stop worrying about me.”
“If you say so.”
“I didn’t marry you to become a burden.”
“You will never be a burden to me.” He bent to kiss her cheek. “Get some rest.”
She nodded meekly.
After he left their room, he stopped in the hospital lobby and placed a call to the phone shanty for Gemma’s mother. He was worried that Gemma seemed detached from the baby. The NICU nurse had mentioned it happened occasionally when mothers didn’t bond with their infants at birth. He left a message telling his in-laws that they had arrived safely and he would call again with an update tomorrow.
Jill was sitting beside his daughter’s bed, writing on a chart when he came in. She looked up with a wide smile. “Your little one is off oxygen as of this morning.”
“That’s great.” He couldn’t stop his wide grin.
“Where is her mother? I’ve been looking forward to meeting her.”
His smile faded. “The trip wore her out. She’ll be in later.”
Jill put down her pen and leaned on her writing desk. “Poor thing. What a rough delivery she has had. She’ll feel better when she sees the baby.”
“What else is new with my girl?”
“She’s two ounces above her birth weight. To celebrate, I was going to make a card for her mother. I hate to ask, but do we have a name?”
He thought about it for a second. “Hope.”
Gemma could change it if she wanted but that was how he saw this child. A gift of hope.
“Aw, I like that. It’s not her feeding time, so you aren’t going to be able to hold her.”
“That’s okay. I can admire her from afar.”
* * *
Gemma woke in near-total darkness with her heart pounding in terror. Only a faint glow shone under the door of the bedroom. It took her a few seconds to figure out where she was. At the hospital in Bangor in one of the rooms reserved for parents of sick babies.
She checked the other bed and saw Jesse was sleeping sprawled across it. She eased out of bed and slipped her dressing gown over her long nightgown. She pulled her braid from beneath her gown and let it fall down her back. Her slippers were at the foot of the bed. She wiggled her feet into them and quietly left the suite. She had to get to the nursery. Her baby girl was dying.
The elevator seemed to take forever, but it finally opened on the correct floor. She spoke to the receptionist, who opened the door for her. Inside the unit, she had no idea where to go. She rushed over to the first nurse she saw. “Where’s my baby? Is she gone already? Please tell me.”
“Tell me your name and we’ll see where your baby is.”
“Gemma Lapp. I mean Crump.”
“Ah, little Hope’s mommy. Your baby is right over here.” She led the way to where a babe with thick reddish-brown hair lay sleeping in an incubator. Gemma leaned close. Was this the same infant in the photograph? Had Jesse named her? Gemma looked at the nurse. “This is my baby?”
“Yes.”
“Can I touch her?”
“First, I have to show you how to wash up. Then you can have a seat and I’ll let you hold her.”
“I woke up and thought something was wrong. I had to come see.”
“A nightmare? They can feel so real sometimes. I’m Pepper. I’ll be Hope’s nurse until the day shift comes on. Where is Jesse?”
/> “I didn’t wake him.”
“He is such a good father. I wish there were more like him.”
Gemma eased into a rocking chair. “I’ve never held her before.”
Pepper opened the side of the incubator, deftly wrapped the babe in two blankets and laid her in Gemma’s arms.
It was almost like holding nothing and the whole world at the same time. Gemma pulled the blankets aside to see her better. After gazing at her face, she started checking all her fingers and her tiny feet. “You’re okay, aren’t you? I had such a bad dream about you, but you’re okay. My beautiful, beautiful baby girl. My Hope.”
Gemma closed the blanket around her, so she wouldn’t be cold. “I was afraid to meet you. Isn’t that silly? You aren’t a punishment. You’re a pearl beyond compare. Look at your cute ears and your nose. I love every inch of you.”
“She is a special gift from God to us.”
Gemma looked up to see Jesse smiling at her. “She’s amazing, Jesse. I didn’t know.”
He knelt beside her and cupped the baby’s head. Gemma laid her hand over his. “Thank you.”
“For what?” he asked, looking puzzled.
“For taking care of her while I couldn’t.”
“You are most welcome.”
She gazed at her baby and then looked into Jesse’s eyes. No matter why he had married her, she was in his debt. She wouldn’t burden him with unwanted affection or question his motives. She would do all she could to give him a happy home, even if he never loved her. “I will be a good wife to you, Jesse.”
He gazed at the floor for a long moment, then looked up. “Gemma, about the quarrel we had on our wedding night...”
She reached out and laid her fingers on his lips. “It doesn’t matter. We are wedded, for better or for worse. Hope is who matters now.”
He nodded and gave a half-hearted smile. It didn’t erase the concern she saw in his eyes.
Chapter Sixteen
Jesse put in a call to update Gemma’s parents and to ask for help. It produced immediate results. Dinah, Bethany and Anna arrived later that day to stay with and support Gemma. He was thrilled that she was bonding with Hope, but Gemma still wasn’t herself. He put it down to the strain of the situation, but it didn’t ease his mind completely. What was he missing?
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