by Amelia Grey
No, Brina couldn’t believe he simply didn’t care enough about them or about her to attend. He had told her he loved her last night. She believed him. She felt it in his touch, his words. She had to believe he would come.
“He will be here,” she said confidently, and denying the shiver of apprehension that washed over her. “There’s no need to worry. We’ll hold dinner. He will come.”
But half an hour later, the crowd was restless. Glasses were empty again, murmurings of discontent had settled in. Like his sister, Brina kept a smile on her face. Adeline and Julia were worried for her and had tried to cheer her, but nothing could take away the ache in her chest.
Twenty-three people were waiting for a dinner that should have been served an hour ago. Brina had to tell Mrs. Cranston they couldn’t delay dinner any longer. She was afraid people would start leaving.
Something was wrong.
But what?
Within ten minutes everyone was seated, but Zane’s chair was empty. With great effort Brina smiled and chatted with the Duke of Middlecastle, who was seated across from her, and Viscount Mountgate, who was beside her. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to even notice that the host wasn’t occupying his seat as he kept a steady stream of conversation going, but the duke was not as forgiving. He kept turning his head and staring at the empty chair.
Brina couldn’t bring herself to give up on Zane. She was constantly glancing at the doorway. In her heart, she knew he was going to rush in at any moment and explain the terrible event that had delayed him. However, she was inclined to now agree with Zane that sit-down dinners with five courses were excruciatingly long. They started with steaming onion broth, followed by the beautifully prepared sole caught fresh from the coast of Dover. The breast of pheasant had been drizzled with butter and the lamb chops covered in a honey and fig sauce. The delicate fluff of sugary confection that was now being served should have been the crowning end to the meal and successful dinner, but the chatter and clink of silver and glasses that could be heard all around the table made it clear no one was in a joyful mood. There were no raised voices or bouts of laughter that usually graced the ending of such an elite slate of dinners.
While dessert was being consumed, a man Brina didn’t recognize came into the room and whispered something to the duke. She couldn’t hear what was said, but the duke’s eyes widened and swept over to Brina. He then cleared his throat and dug into his dessert. Brina’s heart beat so loud and fast, she felt sure everyone in the room could hear it. Moments later, the duke leaned over and whispered to his wife. She looked aghast and whispered to the gentleman beside her.
That’s when Brina heard. “He’s gambling at the Brass Bull.”
Brina’s stomach twisted and she stopped breathing. For how long, she didn’t know. Other whispers reached her.
“And he has a woman hanging on each shoulder.”
No. That wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.
“No one is surprised.”
“Perhaps Mrs. Feld is. Look at her.”
Brina felt light-headed and took in several deep breaths. That was when she knew Zane wasn’t coming. She froze and watched in unspeakable horror as the hushed words being passed down the table. After what seemed like an eternity, Mrs. Cranston laid down her spoon and rose.
So did everyone else, including Brina.
“Because of unfortunate circumstances,” Zane’s sister said. “We won’t be serving the gentlemen brandy or tea for the ladies. We’ve been pleased to have you join us this evening.”
Chairs scraped against the floor and murmurings continued as everyone made their way out of the dining room and into the vestibule, where they collected their wraps. Julia and Adeline flanked Brina and tried to shield her from others making their way to the entrance.
“Brina,” Julia said, “let’s stand over here and let everyone else say good night to Blacknight’s family first. It will be easier if you are the last to leave.”
“Yes,” Brina agreed, leaning against a wall in the corridor, watching Zane’s sister and two uncles hurry everyone out the door.
“I know it’s not the time to talk,” Julia said.
“No, it isn’t,” Brina agreed, feeling numb with disbelief.
“We never expected the earl wouldn’t show. What can we do to help?” Julia asked earnestly.
Brina gave herself a mental shake and straightened. “Nothing. I am fine. This is what I wanted. Remember?”
“We’ll come over to see you tomorrow,” Julia offered.
“I’m not waiting that long,” Adeline said firmly. “Lyon and I are going to take you home, and I’ll stay with you as long as you want me to.”
“What?” Brina, said, confident she was doing a good job of holding herself together and showing no signs of the unbearable ache inside her. “No. Go.”
“We are not leaving you to handle this hurt by yourself,” Julia insisted. “Adeline and I might be married, but the three of us stick together.”
“Yes. We do,” Brina said, not knowing where she found the willpower to sound so strong but grateful she had it. “But sometimes we must stand on our own. I planned this evening, and I will see it through to the end. I need no help from the two of you tonight.” She smiled. “My carriage is outside. I’ll see myself home and see both of you at the ball tomorrow night when I accept my apology from the earl. Now, time for you two to get your husbands and go. I’m going to visit the retiring room before saying good night to Mrs. Cranston. I’ve not been there all evening, and I simply must go before the ride home.”
Brina reached over and kissed both of Adeline’s and then Julia’s cheeks. “Go on, both of you. I want to be alone but promise we’ll talk later. I must speak to Mrs. Cranston and Lord Blacknight’s uncles before I leave.”
In the retiring room, Brina almost broke down and sobbed. How could he have done this after last night? After how he’d made her feel? After he’d told her he loved her? Wanted only her? It had been a lie. All of it.
Alone as she was, it would have been so easy to let the hurt show. But instead, she replaced it with anger to keep her eyes dry until she could get home.
Zane had not only done this to her but to his peers? To his family? Now, she finally understood why his family had no faith in him. All they believed about him was true. He wasn’t capable of giving up his carefree life to handle his responsibilities. She had only thought she had made a difference in his behavior.
But no. He was still the man she’d seen tied to a chair in Paris. And that was crushing.
Perhaps he’d simply wanted to bed her—the widow no one else had touched. And gambling and drinking tonight was his way of getting out of his wager with her and winning his own. But it really didn’t matter what his reasons were. The outcome was the same. Why couldn’t she have seen that? Why did she fall for his charming ways and his load of poppycock?
And why should she blame him? He was only doing what came natural to him. She was the one who had changed. Not him. She had fallen in love with a rake of the highest order.
When Brina walked back into the vestibule, Mrs. Cranston was the only one left standing by the front door.
“Sylvester and Hector have already left,” Zane’s sister said. “I am leaving as well. I suggest you do so too. The earl probably won’t be coming home before midmorning. And just think, my dear, you won your wager. The earl has violated the terms of your agreement with him. You’ll be getting that apology you wanted tomorrow night. That must make you feel good.”
If what she was feeling was good, she never wanted to feel bad.
“Serves him right,” Mrs. Cranston continued. “Maybe that will take him down a peg or two. Do take some comfort in that. Most men hate to admit they are wrong.”
She hadn’t lost him to a woman. There might have been women hanging on him while he was gambling and drinking, but she lost him to himself.
“I’m sorry for you, dear.” She gave Brina a sympathetic smile and placed her hand on top
of Brina’s shoulder, giving it a quick, tight squeeze. “I know you hoped for better from him. I really thought he was changing too. He’d just settled a lot of things in the family that needed his attention, and everyone had seemed quite happy with his generous increase in allowances.”
“That’s good,” Brina answered with the tiniest of smiles. “So, there was some improvement. You know what they say. We must be thankful for small blessings.”
“I can’t help but notice Lord and Lady Lyonwood didn’t stay to see you home.”
There was no use hiding anything at this point. “Yes. I came in my own carriage. Dreadfully scandalous of me, I know. If you feel you must tell someone, I will understand.”
Mrs. Cranston gave her a swaggering smile. “I like you, Mrs. Feld.”
“Thank you,” Brina whispered. “Now, I hope you don’t mind, but I asked Fulton if I might leave the earl a note. He’s laying out paper and quill for me in the drawing room. I’ll write that, collect my wrap, and be on my way.”
“To the Brass Bull, I hope, to drag the earl out by his ear.”
Brina gave a soft laugh. “Well, if I thought I was strong enough, I might try it.”
“I’m rather sorry it didn’t turn out better for you two. I know I don’t show it, but I really do love my brother. I’ll say good night and be on my way. Fulton will close up after you leave, Mrs. Feld.”
She turned, not giving Brina time to respond. Which was probably best. Her last words had stung. Brina had thought that after last night, after tonight, after tomorrow night, she would no longer be Mrs. Feld.
Brina walked back into the drawing room and sat down at the secretary.
Dear Lord Blacknight,
I will see you tomorrow evening at mid—
No, that wasn’t right. It was already after midnight. Tomorrow was already here.
Dear Lord Blacknight,
I will see you this evening for the apology you owe me.
Mrs. Feld
As Brina replaced the quill to its stand, she heard a door open and slam shut, and masculine footsteps ran down the corridor. She looked up as Zane rounded the doorway. His neckcloth was hanging limp and untied. His hair was rumpled as if he’d just risen from sleep. He looked handsome, vibrant. Happy to see her.
How dare he!
And how could he be so inconsiderate as to still make her heartbeat race at the sight of him?
“Thank God, you’re still here,” he whispered.
Was that a smile of relief she saw on his face? Relief that she was still there? Anguish festered inside her. “That’s obvious,” she managed to say and rose.
“I was sure you’d be gone.”
She should have been. It was clear he’d been carousing. She supposed she did look like the dutiful, faithful lady waiting at home for him to return. “I’m sorry I failed to leave before you arrived,” she said tightly.
“I know you’re angry but—”
“You do, do you?” She cut him off and walked toward him. “Angry? Really? No, I’m hurt.”
“Brina, I’m sorry I—”
“You’re about five hours too late for such words, my lord.”
She went to rush past him, but he caught her arm. “Look at me,” he said earnestly.
“No,” she whispered, keeping her head down. She bit back tears that collected in her throat but was unable to keep them from pooling in her eyes as she remembered how he had held and loved her. She choked down a sob. “I don’t want to look at you. I don’t want you to touch me.”
“Listen to me, Brina.” His hand tightened on her arm.
She lifted her head, and then her lashes and what she saw made her want to forget who she was, what she had vowed. She was deeply, madly in love with him, but she was overcome with such grief.
Zane’s eyes were gleaming too. A breathy sigh of despair pushed forth from her aching lungs. Only with the will of an inner strength she’d developed since being alone did she manage to give him a steely gaze and say, “Let go of me and don’t say anything.”
His face was etched hard with indecision, but finally, he dropped his hand.
“I don’t want your explanation,” she said past a thick throat.
He struck his thumb to his chest. “I deserve to be heard.”
“You don’t deserve any consideration from me!” she lashed out at him. “Gambling, drinking, with women hanging all over you!”
His eyes widened with outrage. “No!” he said bitterly. “No. Listen to me. Gambling yes, but there were no women and no drinking, I swear!”
“As if that matters! What you did tonight was wrong. It shows you don’t care for me or anyone. I made a fool of myself to ever think you cared for me or that I could trust you. I did my best, but I was misled to think you had or could change.”
“That’s not true,” he demanded angrily. “I’m not going to let you say things that aren’t true and get by with it.”
“I don’t have to say anything. Your actions prove it.” Brina bit back the tears again. “You have made choices like this throughout your life.”
“Let me explain, damn—” He bit off the last of the word but swore under his breath as he raked his hands through his tousled hair.
“I thought nothing could ever hurt me as deeply as when my husband didn’t come back to me. But he didn’t mean to hurt me. He didn’t do it by choice. You did. He hurt me by doing something good for other people. But you? You knew exactly what you were doing. So, I am going to walk out of here with my head held high and no tears on my face.”
“Brina.” He whispered her name almost desperately.
“Not one more word. I can’t wait for you to apologize tomor—tonight at midnight, at the ball. I came on my own because I wanted to be the last one to leave tonight. So you see, you aren’t the only one who can break the rules.”
She kept her chin up, her shoulders straight, and looked straight ahead as she walked past him. Somehow, she managed to make it to the carriage and climb inside before a heaving sob of heartache left her mouth. A second and third came rushing out before she was able to stop the flow and hold the rest of her anguish inside her aching throat.
There was nothing to compare to the hurt of realizing he had chosen his wayward life over her.
How could she ever get over that?
Chapter 26
Brina always felt better after visiting with the sisters at Pilwillow Crossings. She had deliberately stayed away from her house until darkness covered the sky. Not only did it nourish her spirit to be at the abbey, but today it kept her from having to talk with Adeline and Julia. They meant well, but she wasn’t up to bearing their concern for her. She hadn’t actually told them how deeply she felt for Zane, but she was sure they knew. Probably from the first time they saw her with him, they knew she felt differently about him than any other man. She’d never hidden that from them.
Having been too numb to sleep for very long, she’d sent them both a note early in the morning saying she’d be out all day and would see them at the ball. She wanted no one going with her, acting as a companion, and certainly not as the dedicated friends they were. They would respect her need for privacy. Part of her healing would be handling this on her own. She couldn’t let losing Zane affect her the way losing Stewart had. From that, her recovery had been long. Now she was older and wiser, but she knew she would miss Zane all the days of her life.
A tired laugh passed her throat as she walked up to her front door. It appeared Zane had changed her more than she had changed him. Imagine her—a widow showing up at a ball without a companion. It simply wasn’t done, but she would. If the old guard of Society were so inclined, they could shun her. Right now, she’d welcome it. She was feeling very much alone anyway.
She wouldn’t be spending the rest of her life any different than she’d expected for the past five years. She had always said she’d never marry again and believed it—until Zane had her dreaming of happily-ever-afters. For a short time, he had given her
hope she could have the incomparable feeling of true love.
Oh, why had she fallen in love with London’s most notorious rake?
What hurt the worst was that he never truly loved her. Why else would he have gone to the club and spent the night gambling and—and? Her thoughts paused. He’d said there were no women.
She swallowed hard. Even now, she wanted to believe that was true. Only the need to play cards.
But again, it didn’t change the outcome. Any or all, it was the one sure way he wouldn’t have to marry her.
Staying at the abbey also kept her from the possibility of seeing Zane should he even want to see her and try once again to explain his unforgivable actions last night.
After they made love, she had lay bare her deepest soul to him, telling him things she’d never told anyone. How could he have been so callous with her love?
Brina opened the door and started taking off her gloves.
“Is that you, Mrs. Feld?” Mrs. Lawton called from above the stairs.
“Yes,” she answered.
“Lord Blacknight has called on you three times today and waited more than an hour each time.”
“Thank you for letting me know, Mrs. Lawton,” she answered, untying her bonnet.
“You best hurry on up. You’re already late getting ready for the ball.”
Brina placed her bonnet, gloves, and reticule on the side table. There, lined in a neat row, were three notes. Her name written in the bold lettering of a man. She wanted to swipe them all off the table and fling them as far as she could. How dare he start trying to follow accepted rules now!
She turned away and headed up the stairs. After all the times he came over without asking, how dare he leave her notes today? She walked into her room and gasped. Hanging on her wardrobe was the gorgeous bright pink gown that had been in the shop window near the abbey.
“It arrived this afternoon,” Mrs. Lawton said with a beaming smile. “I figured you wanted to wear it tonight, so I pressed it for you and laid out your stockings, shoes, and jewelry for you to choose from.”