“There will be.” I had no right to promise that, and reason told me I couldn't.
But it was that pleading look in her eyes. It reached past my reason and clutched hold of my heart like ropes wrapping around every chamber.
There was a reason I'd always had a thing for Lady Argoza. It wasn't just her grace and unrivaled beauty – it was her soft certainty, that delicate power.
As soon as I thought that, my father's warning reared in my mind. All I ever wanted to do was protect. And all I ever got in return was trouble.
“I can help you,” she suddenly offered.
“What do you mean?”
She pushed her hand out towards me, her long elegant fingers stretching out in welcome.
I stared at her hand. “I don't understand.”
“Shepherd, you're the only person in this galaxy worth trusting, the only person I choose to be with.”
At first I didn't pick up on her words. My mind kept spinning through my thoughts, like a bullet that kept being pushed off course.
Then it struck me.
Her words landed home right in the center of my chest, and involuntarily I took a step back.
Her eyes widened. “I thought you felt the same way about me. You always seemed so….” She dropped my gaze and stared down at her hands, her thumbs now moving so franticly over each other they could have kindled a fire.
I didn't know what to say. I was floored.
Before any of this began, if Lady Argoza had revealed her feelings for me, Christ, I would've been the happiest man in the galaxy. To receive the affections of someone like her… had been my dream.
Now, I was so conflicted I could barely think.
“I know despite everything you're a good man,” she said quietly, taking a step back from me. “I know you always do what's right. So please, please consider this. The galaxy’s security depends on what we do next.”
My heart, which had been beating wildly in my chest, ground to a stop.
Responsibility flooded in, threatening to pull me off my feet and throw me against the far wall.
People kept saying that. From Alyssa to my father to Lady Argoza – the whole fate of the Milky Way was resting in my hands. My small scarred hands.
How is that fair? How could anyone expect me alone to save the Milky Way?
I didn't have the power of Alyssa. I didn't have the knowledge of my father. I was just a man.
Before I could wallow in the fact this wasn't fair, Argoza took a step my way, her bare feet pattering over the floor. She took a moment, then let her electrifying gaze shift up my form until it locked on my eyes. “At times like this, we must decide. Not just what we will do going forward, but who we'll be, what we'll stand for, and who we’ll be standing beside,” her tone dropped to a whisper. “My people believe that the future is not shaped just through our desires. What matters most is those we stand by. Those we stand for,” her voice reverberated on the word for. “I do not expect you to answer now, Nathan, but I entreat you to consider this question. Who do you stand for? Who can you trust, no matter what happens, to chart a path alongside you to a future worth living?”
I couldn't say anything. Maybe I wasn't meant to.
She took another soft step backwards, then turned on her bare foot, her elegant skirts flaring around her legs. She reached the door. She paused, placing a hand above the access panel and turning over her shoulder. “I trust you, Lieutenant Commander Nathan Shepherd. But who do you trust? And what are you willing to sacrifice if you are wrong?” She walked out the door.
She left me alone, thoughts tumbling through my mind like an avalanche.
I stood there in the center of the empty room, staring wide-eyed at the door.
The thoughts hounded me, breaking down mental walls, churning out questions.
Who did I trust?
Who did I trust to create a future I wanted to live in?
… Truth be told, I didn't know.
Chapter 6
Alyssa Nightingale
I was standing in main engineering, the Chief and J’axal by my sides.
We were scouring through battle data, trying to come up with a viable plan to attack the outer storage station.
The whole time, I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't force my mind to jettison my spiraling thoughts. Every second they skewered my attention like a hook to a fish.
“You know, I'd say this was suicidal, but I guess that ain’t the way when it comes to you, ha?” J’axal suddenly commented from my side, locking a hand on the console beside him and twisting his head until he stared my way.
I took a moment to realize he’d spoken.
“Kinda distracted right now, aren’t you?”
I turned to him and swallowed. “I'm fine. I'm just concentrating on the task.”
“Sure you are, that’s why you just skipped over all of those battle plans without actually looking at any of them, right?”
I didn't look at him. Instead I hunched closer to the console, pretending to throw myself into the task.
He didn't stop looking. In fact, he planted an elbow on the console and shifted down until he was close by my side. “Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to.”
“I'm fine,” I insisted, speaking through clenched teeth.
“Why the hell would you be fine? The fate of the galaxy rests in your hands. If I were in your position,” he whistled, “I’d be tearing myself up on the inside.”
I clenched my teeth hard, tension shifting down my jaw, even seizing up my hands as I locked them on the edge of the console.
I watched in my peripheral vision as his gaze drifted down to my white knuckled hands then back to my face. “You know, there's no shame in admitting you’re having trouble. Anyone in your position would be.”
“I'm fine,” I insisted once more with a hiss, “and I’m ready to fight. You can rely on me. I won't let anyone down.”
“I don't doubt you’re ready to fight. I can see it in your eyes. And yeah, I know exactly what it looks like. I've seen it so many times before, hellcat. That dead look of surrender when you realize the only thing you can do is fight. But you've got to be careful. Because that will kill you.”
I couldn’t take his incessant chatter anymore. I turned sharply, hair flaring over my shoulder as my eyes widened. “I'm trying to work. I don't need lessons. I'll be fine. I told you, I will fight.”
“I don't doubt you will. It looks like it's the only thing you can do anymore.” With that, he turned and walked over to another console, settling down as he accessed recent battle data.
I stood there, heart thumping in my throat, eyes so wide they bulged.
His words struck home. They felt as if they cut my heart in two.
All I could do was fight.
That's all I knew how to do anymore.
… I wanted him to be wrong, but he was so right it hurt.
Professor Axis hadn’t just stolen three years of my life – he’d stolen my social skills. He’d stripped away my reason, my common sense, and replaced it with nothing but undirected power.
Before I could walk over to J’axal and continue the argument, someone strode into main engineering.
I turned my head, recognizing him out of the corner of my eye.
Shepherd.
He looked busy, several data pads tucked under one arm, his brow compressed in concentration.
Then he saw me.
For a few seconds he didn't do anything.
Abruptly, he turned and walked out.
… It had to be because of me.
Regret wrapped up with jealousy snaked around my gut and threatened to pull me through the floor.
Maybe I’d lost my chance. Maybe Lady Argoza had spilled her heart out to him, and Shepherd had wisely chosen her over me.
Without realizing what I was doing, my implants began to glow.
“Be careful,” the Chief snapped. Though she usually wasn’t the kind to bark orders, several wee
ks without sleep would try the patience of anyone.
Plus, I was a danger.
To the ship, to the crew, to myself.
Cursing, I took a jerked step back, shaking my hands out as I turned the implants off.
“Take a break,” the Chief ordered without looking up from her station. “Don’t come back until you can control yourself.”
Maybe I should feel betrayed by her words. Maybe she could have handled my situation more sensitively.
Or maybe she was right. I had no place here – or anywhere – if I couldn’t control myself.
Shifting hard on my foot, I practically sprinted for the door, controlling my expression with every ounce of self-will until I was out in the abandoned corridor beyond.
I stood there and breathed, eyes stinging with tears.
I… couldn’t live like this.
But unless I got control of my powers, I’d certainly die like this.
Thrusting forward, boots squeaking against the polished metal floor, I picked a direction and stalked off.
I didn't know what I was thinking, where I was going, but I marched through the corridors, nails dug hard into the soft flesh of my palms, not caring when I drew blood and it trickled between my fingers.
Right now the pain was the only thing that could distract me.
The pain and the promise of the impending fight. It would burn away all the guilt and jealousy and shame, wouldn’t it?
Maybe it would kill me, too, but that wouldn’t matter. Because one thing was for sure: I wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore.
Eventually, I realized where my feet were taking me. To the observational room – one of the places where I usually met with Shepherd. It gave me such solace to sit beside him and stare at the galaxy flashing past the window. His mere presence could calm me.
Now the very thought of him threatened to activate my implants once more.
As I walked, I pumped my hands back and forth, back and forth, continuing to dig the fingernails into my palms, letting the promise of pain distract me from my rapidly freefalling thoughts.
I turned the corner sharply and practically flung myself through the doors, reaching the observational room.
… He was there.
He was sitting on the single leather couch, several data pads strewn around him, body hunched as he assessed them.
As I threw myself into the room, he tilted his head to the side and let his gaze slip towards me.
He didn’t say anything.
I should have turned around and stalked out.
I couldn’t. Instead I stood there staring at him, jaw locked, body frozen with tension.
He still didn’t speak.
Wasn’t this the part where he usually asked how I was? Shouldn’t he be jumping to his feet, seeing the blood trickling down my fingers and splashing on the floor, and taking me to the med bay?
He did nothing.
So I did nothing.
The silence ticked on.
A rational adult would have broken it, yet I was anything but rational now.
Eventually he rested back, placed his data pads down, turned, and faced me in full. “What is it?”
I reacted at his words, a well of frustration and anger punching through my chest and rattling my throat.
I pressed my nails harder and harder into my palms. If I wasn’t careful, I’d gouge out chunks of skin and require stitches.
“What do you want, Alyssa?” he prompted again.
“I thought you said you’d wait,” the words came tumbling from my mouth.
“Sorry?”
“I thought you said you’d wait,” I clenched my teeth together, forcing the words between them. It was that or give way to the tears threatening to well in my eyes.
Maybe he understood what I was saying this time, because he dropped my gaze and stared at the floor.
I didn’t think I was capable of being hurt more than I had in life. But that right there felt like more of a betrayal than the Star Forces capturing me and turning me into their weapon.
“I didn’t lie to you,” he eventually said, voice soft. He wasn’t facing me. His head was directed, not at the view, but at the wall beside it – as far away from me as it could be.
“Then… then why did…?” A tide of foolish guilt swept over me.
Christ, had I made it all up?
I was acting like a child. And there was nothing I could do about it.
Another pang of shame slammed into me, curdling my gut.
I took a staggering step back.
I turned. Waiting for him to tell me not to go.
He didn’t.
He just sat there.
…
Lieutenant Commander Nathan Shepherd
There was something wrong with me. There had to be. I couldn’t talk to her. When I’d seen her in engineering, I’d walked out, like a teenager afraid of his first crush.
I couldn’t help myself. Argoza’s words kept spinning in my mind.
Who could I trust to create a future I wanted to live?
Trust.
It all came back to trust.
Could I trust my father to give me the advice I needed to defeat the Forgotten? Or would the cost be a future where the Star Forces ruled supreme?
Could I trust Alyssa in the heat of battle, or would she turn only to revenge?
Could I trust Lady Argoza’s offer, or was it a well-placed manipulation to buy my loyalty before it was too late?
Trust.
That word felt like a ghost looming in my mind.
I should have told Alyssa to stop, but I couldn’t.
She paused, though, standing in the doorway, hands still clutched into the tightest of fists. The nails drove so hard into her palm, blood slicked between her fingers and splashed intermittently on the floor.
I should have jumped to my feet, uncurled her fists, and taken her to the med bay.
But I couldn’t.
All I could do was sit there facing a storm of thoughts and emotion.
“I understand if you want to give up on me, Shepherd,” she finally said in a dead voice that barely carried, “I don’t blame you.” She took another step, and I thought she’d leave the room, but she didn’t.
She lingered outside of the doorway, close enough that the doors detected her presence and didn’t close.
This was my opportunity to jump to my feet and tell her she was wrong.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
Argoza’s words were holding me back.
I saw her turn softly over one shoulder, wide open pleading gaze locking on me. “You don’t trust me, do you?”
Her words were an electric jolt powering up my spine.
“I understand. I don’t trust myself,” she admitted.
I needed to do something, say something. Goddammit, I had to say something. My body yearned to throw myself to my feet and go to her; my mind wouldn’t let me.
“I understand.” Tears touched her cheeks. “I understand,” her voice shook so violently it was a jumbled mess.
“I don’t…” I managed, but couldn’t finish the sentence.
I don’t want?
Believe what Argoza said?
Or trust Alyssa?
I felt hemmed in, trapped.
“I understand. I can’t control myself,” she blurted the words out, tears now streaming down her cheeks. Her face was ruddy and blotchy with emotion, her lips pulled tight as her brow creased.
My heart told me to go to her.
My mind still couldn’t decide.
“I can’t control myself,” she spoke through weeping sobs, her shoulders falling forward, her hair tumbling before her face like a fan. Without another word, she fell to her knees, one after the other, then flopped onto her haunches as more wracking sobs heaved through her body. “I keep… I keep accidentally activating my implants. All it takes is for me to get angry or distracted or terrified… and they turn on. I can’t… I can’t trust m
yself. And no one else can trust me,” her words became faster, a slur of fear. “I understand – I understand you don’t want to be with me. You can’t trust me. No one can trust me.”
That did it. That broke the chains holding me back.
Before I realized what I was doing – before my rational mind could intervene – I threw myself to my knees and fell beside her.
As she shook, a faint glow erupted over her elbows as her implants activated.
Without pause, I cradled an arm around her back.
And in doing so, my body made the decision my mind couldn’t.
I was trying to academically sort through my thoughts, trying to choose who I should trust when it wasn’t me who could choose at all.
It was my heart. That got to decide where my loyalties lay. It alone could piece together the disparate facts of this story and knit them into a whole.
“Alyssa, it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay,” I heard myself say.
She flopped against me, nestled into my arm, tears still streaming down her cheeks.
The light of her implants played against her elbows, but the illumination did not grow.
Maybe I should have been afraid and should have snapped at her to get a handle on herself.
I didn’t.
Instead I sat down beside her, offered my shoulder, and waited.
Naturally, her tears subsided until she simply sat there by my side in silence.
I could have hurried her along, but knew it would achieve nothing.
Just like me, she was coming to a decision.
“I just want… all of this to end,” she admitted as she brought up a hand and thumbed away her tears. It was a thankless task – her face was blotchy and wet from crying a river.
“So do I.”
“It’s not fair.”
“I know.”
“I just want… I just want to stop feeling so out of control. If the only way I can do that is to fight, then that’s what I’m going to do.”
I sat beside her in silence and considered her words. “Alyssa, that’s not the only way,” I said quietly.
At first it seemed she would jerk back from me and reject my words.
She stopped halfway, turning to face me, her red rimmed eyes still wide with vulnerability. “I’m so scared.”
The Crucible- The Complete Series Page 64