This is not to imply that we shouldn’t engage in conversation. Dialogue is a two-way exchange. Disagreement can happen, but it does not have to result in relational rupture. In fact, if handled correctly, disagreement can increase relational connection and understanding. However, giving someone answers to their questions is not listening. Giving advice often kills dialogue. And telling answers—even right answers—is rarely helpful because it circumvents the very important process of allowing people to discover the truth for themselves.
God Listens
We listen because God listens. It’s true; the God of the Angel Armies listens to me—and you. This is a staggering truth. God hears my cry and forgives. He hears my prayer and responds. He humbles himself to care for me enough to hear what’s on my mind. God sets the example for us to follow. God listens, really listens, to people—to their doubts, questions, pain, and confusion. What if we listened to people well enough to understand them better and to see where God is at work in their lives?
Listening reflects the attitude of Jesus. In Philippians 2:5-8, the apostle Paul reveals the profound truth that even though the incarnate Jesus was God himself, knowing all things, he didn’t use that to his own advantage. He emptied himself and became like us. In his pursuit of people, Jesus gave us the ultimate example of humility and self-sacrifice. When we take the initiative to listen to people around us in our everyday lives, seeking to understand them rather than to explain ourselves, we reflect the genuine care of Jesus. And in reflecting Jesus, we are revealing the heart of God.
Listening requires putting others first, a mind-set of serving that doesn’t come easy for most of us. Philippians 2:3 puts it this way: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” I can display this humility when I accept that I have only part of the truth in a particular conversation, and that only God holds the whole truth in every situation.
Listening Is Love
In 2010, the Museum of Modern Art in New York City mounted an exhibition by performance artist Marina Abramović, titled The Artist Is Present. After several months of physical and mental training, Abramović seated herself in a chair facing an empty chair across a small table in the gallery. For the next three months—six days a week, seven and a half hours a day—she focused her full attention on the museum visitors who came to sit across from her.
In spite of or maybe thanks to the negative media attention for her controversial art, 850,000 visitors came to see her. People slept in the street in front of the museum. At closing time a new line started to form itself for the next morning. The guards were so impressed that after working hours they also joined the line.
The reactions were stunning. People were touched by the sheer possibility that there was someone who would look deeply into their soul without word or movement. Who would only look and listen, without concern for time, without any special reason and without condemnation. . . .
Time and attention [have] become . . . scarce commodit[ies] in our culture. . . .
Abramović understood what people of the twenty-first century need: unique, clean, personal contact—one person being present for the other.[34]
In our culture, listening is often interpreted as love. If I really care about what someone has to say, I listen. Listening calls for an attitude of humility and grace. I surrender my desire to be heard and understood in the interest of understanding the other person—and that takes love. Notre Dame University professor John Paul Lederach puts it this way:
Listening as a technique takes art and skill, but such technical discipline . . . does not in itself lead to a deeper level of genuine listening. . . . What leads to the deeper level is whether I interact with you as a person about whom I care. Listening is a spiritual discipline if, like a spring, it bubbles up from genuine love.[35]
When we make an effort to move toward the people who cross our paths and listen to them, we form and deepen relationships. When we demonstrate that we are seeking to understand people and not change their points of view, we create a safe environment for them to open up more intimately. As they feel genuinely understood, they also begin to better understand themselves. People are often ready to listen to us only after they feel understood and heard. In a society full of folks who would rather talk than listen, people are starved for someone who is willing to move into their lives as a listener and learner. Being known as a good listener will cause you to stand out in our self-centered, what’s-in-it-for-me kind of world.
In his poem “Loaves and Fishes,” David Whyte reminds us that more information is not what people need. People are hungry for connection.
This is not
the age of information.
This is not
the age of information.
Forget the news,
and the radio,
and the blurred screen.
This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.
People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.[36]
With very few words, listening communicates volumes. Through good listening, we can provide people a relational gift, communicate God’s love in profoundly real ways, and open up opportunities for further connection. As an opportunity to practice self-control, listening plays an essential role as we come alongside those seeking God. And in the process of listening, we are transformed as well.
Jesus told us to love our neighbor as ourselves. When we listen, we are giving the attention that most of us long to receive. Allowing another person to speak, with the goal of knowing them as an individual, is more than simply hearing or comprehending; it also reveals God’s love. In fact, it is “being Christ” to that person. Yet true listening is lacking in our churches, and it is rare in our culture. What Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote still holds true: “Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because Christians are talking where they should be listening.”[37]
Driving Blindfolded
Historically, much of the outreach training Christians have been exposed to has said very little about the Art of Listening. Far too many Christ followers have been taught to give gospel presentations rather than to engage in spiritual conversations. These well-intentioned, agenda-driven monologues have left many people with a negative impression of Christianity, sending the message that we think “our religion is better than your religion, so listen to us while we tell you why we’re right and you’re wrong.” Observing this problem, pastor and former director of Alpha USA Todd Hunter said, “I’m willing to bet the farm that in our postmodern Christian society the most important evangelistic skill is listening.”[38]
If you want to be a good listener, think of yourself as someone who comes alongside another person—not to give advice, but to learn the other person’s real story. True listening is an expression of love and kindness because it does not come with conditions—it is not an attempt to get someone to change their behavior or conform immediately to a certain set of beliefs. Listening is a demonstration of respect that communicates worth. When we listen with love, we hear the person’s story without judgment or fear.
Ironically, people are more likely to grow when they can sort out their difficulties in the presence of someone who is committed to them, rather than someone who is focused on a particular outcome. Sometimes people just want to process their thoughts out loud. (If you doubt whether this is of spiritual value, read the Psalms. Page after page of the Psalms contains outpourings of people’s feelings, complaints, fears, and frustrations to God.) If you are uncertain what someone needs from you in the middle of an emotional outburst, simply ask, “Do you want my input, or do you just need to talk this out?” More often than not, people just need to say out loud what’s going on inside them.
Alice Fryling wisely warns, “If I want to listen well, with love and awe, I need to let go of my need to be right. I need to let go of many preconceiv
ed opinions. I need to let go of my own self-consciousness and insecurities. And I need to let go of the need to appear wise, good, or even spiritual.”[39]
When we approach people with the intent to tell them what we know and without trying to understand where they’re coming from, it is only natural that they will put up defenses. The interaction can easily turn combative. A better approach is to remember James 1:19-20: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
Genuine listening can be challenging because it requires self-control, but the good news is that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. We need to rely on the Holy Spirit to help us keep our mouths closed and ears open. It also takes practice and intentionality to be “quick to listen, slow to speak.”
The simple practice of listening to people allows us to identify common ground. It makes us openhearted and outwardly focused. The quality of our listening skills powerfully affects our potential to build trust, engage conversationally, and establish relational credibility. As Doug Pollock, author of God Space, explains, “Engaging in a spiritual conversation without listening is like driving a car blindfolded.”[40] Not a good idea.
Face, Focus, and Feelings
Wherever you are, whenever you are reading this, you are likely exposed to a variety of sounds. Pause for a few seconds and consider this: What do you hear right now? Scientist Seth Horowitz wrote in a New York Times article:
The slight trick in the question is that, by asking you what you were hearing, I prompted your brain to take control of the sensory experience—and made you listen rather than just hear. . . . The difference between the sense of hearing and the skill of listening is attention. . . .
Hearing, in short, is easy. . . . But listening, really listening, is hard when potential distractions are leaping into your ears every fifty-thousandth of a second—and pathways in your brain are just waiting to interrupt your focus. . . .
Listening is a skill that we’re in danger of losing in a world of digital distraction and information overload.[41]
Hearing is an auditory process, but listening involves the whole person. To grow as listeners, it would help each of us to target listening in three different categories: our face, our focus, and our feelings.
Face
The face is a channel of our emotions, an instrument of nonverbal communication and a key tool in the listening process. In part, we “listen” with our faces. By tilting their faces forward toward the speaker, good listeners communicate attention and interest. Other ways to listen with your face include watching for nonverbal cues and maintaining alert eye contact. A good listener mirrors the emotional state of the speaker, staying in sync rather than drifting out of the conversation. Position your face and body to convey full attention to the speaker. You want your body language to communicate acceptance, interest, trust, and care.
Focus
Focused, attentive listeners avoid distractions. They don’t interrupt or interject lots of their own thoughts or self-referential comments. Their words are few. Any questions they ask are relevant and focused on the speaker, not themselves.
When we listen, most of us fixate on what’s literal and obvious; we tend to stay on the surface of what people say. But good listeners pay close attention to clues that reveal the deeper questions beneath a person’s story. For example, someone’s objections about things like the truth of the Bible or the mystery of pain and suffering may be expressed as philosophical questions, but people rarely think only in theoretical terms. If someone questions God’s fairness, it’s often because something has happened to him or her that feels unfair (though that person may not feel safe enough to share the specifics). Suffering or hurt caused by another Christian can also be behind the question, and the “objections” may be a smoke screen for the real issue, which often takes trust and time to discover. You may have to build the relational equity to earn the right to dialogue about it. Remember the story at the beginning of the chapter? Unfortunately, I didn’t listen or ask clarifying questions to understand the questions behind Eileen’s question.
Sometimes people’s actual words can be a barrier to listening. For example, they might say, “I’m fine,” when they really are not. Psychologist Theodor Reik said we listen best when we not only use our sense of hearing, but listen with what he called “the third ear”—paying attention to tone, body language, and other nonverbal cues. People can display emotion in a variety of ways. Even if the words sound calm, you may see subtle incongruities between spoken words and underlying messages: clenched teeth, tight hands, or furrowed brows. A good listener holds loosely to the words and more tightly to the subtext.
Like miners panning for gold, searching attentively for those valuable, shiny nuggets in the watery silt, good listeners focus on the other person to find the gems of truth, understanding, and value in their lives—and to discover where God is already at work.
Feelings
A good listener is empathetic—but most of us have a hard time getting outside of our own frame of reference. When people express emotion or pain, often our knee-jerk reaction is to fix them or give them relief. We find it difficult to join them where they are; we feel discomfort and want to hurry them to a different emotional state.
Empathy offers comfort, not pat answers, and it tries to understand and even experience the other person’s feelings. It starts with where the person is and tries to understand rather than change, remembering that only God can change a human heart. Karen Kimsey-House is a coaching expert and the creator of the Co-Active philosophy of relationships. She warns, “When you’re not listening well, you’re not fully present. You miss what’s behind the words, the deep truth that’s coming from a person. It’s not about hearing the words spoken per se; it’s about connecting with the heart.”[42]
Relational Listening
Listening is a process of communication that extends much further than simply hearing. Listening requires you to concentrate, derive meaning from the sound that is heard, and react to it. Yet there are different kinds of listening. You could separate it into two broad categories—transactional and relational.
Transactional listening is one-way communication. As in a news broadcast or a speech, one person is speaking while another is hearing and trying to understand without the opportunity to interact. In this type of listening, we are seeking information, and accuracy is paramount to us. Transactional listening is characterized by what I get out of it here and now, and it does not include much commitment.
Relational listening allows for interaction between speaker and listener. The person who is listening can ask questions or repeat back what the speaker has said to make sure he or she has heard it correctly. This kind of listening fosters an exchange of feelings between people, not just comprehension of ideas. In this kind of listening, we are seeking connection, and empathy is paramount. Relational listening builds in commitment and trust, so that people in the conversation grow willing to become emotionally involved.
Relational listening involves a variety of listening skills.
Reflecting
One of these skills is sometimes called reflective listening. In every conversation you have the opportunity to demonstrate that you’ve been listening well. A clear way to assure people that you have heard them is to reflect back what you thought you heard them say. You become the learner, putting the spotlight on the other person. By paraphrasing your perception of the message you heard and reflecting it back to the speaker for verification, you show genuine interest in understanding what the speaker is thinking and feeling. If you miss the opportunity, the conversation is likely to die out.
Reflective listening, also called active listening, helps you go beyond merely hearing the words to really listen for the message. It frees others to share their struggles, their doubts, and even their beliefs about God. As noted by business advisor Ram Cha
ran, “[Active] listening opens the door to truly connecting and is the gateway to building relationships.”[43] And while you listen, make it your goal to keep one ear open to God, asking him to supply you with insights into a person’s situation. Listen for God’s whispers as you listen to your friend, trying to understand more deeply with both human and Spirit-enabled insight.
As you seek to understand people better through reflective listening, you can start with a humble opening followed by a brief paraphrase of the feelings and ideas you thought you heard. Here are some sample reflective phrases to help you demonstrate that you have heard and are seeking to understand.
So, if I’m hearing you right . . .
Let me make sure I’m tracking with you. You’re . . .
You’re saying you feel . . . Is that right?
You seem to be saying . . .
I think I hear you saying . . . [44]
Asking Follow-Up Questions
As you’re listening, paying attention to words and meaning and also listening to what God is helping you hear, your next step is to ask a follow-up question. The follow-up question can open the conversation as dramatically as the back of the wardrobe opens to Narnia. Try saying, “Tell me more,” “How does that make you feel?” or “What makes you think that?” Then be willing to wait—even in a few moments of silence—for the speaker to share thoughts or even to figure out what he or she thinks, since many people have never actually worked at articulating their feelings or beliefs. Take time to hear the whole story, not just his or her thoughts on spiritual matters. We’ll talk even more about the Art of Asking Questions in the next chapter.
The 9 Arts of Spiritual Conversations Page 9