Fearless in Love

by Bella Andre

  Ari felt her body tingle, like a foot that had gone to sleep. First there was numbness, then pins and needles, then knives as the woman said, "My husband is dead and your brother still gets to live? No." She glared at Ari. "No."

  "Ari," Matt said softly, never taking his eyes off Mrs. Esterhausen.

  She knew he was trying to warn her that they should leave before things got any worse. But though her heart was beating so hard it felt as if it might pound right out of her chest, Ari couldn't leave.

  The widow had to get it out. Ari knew what grief did, the terrible things people were capable of, the awful words they said. This woman's children would be in their teens now. She'd had to raise them alone.

  "The Army giveth and the Army taketh away," the woman spat. "They left me with nothing. And what does your brother do? He brings me goddamned pictures." She cursed in disgust. "I threw them back at him. I don't forgive him. I don't forgive the Army."

  "I'm sorry," Ari said. "I didn't mean to hurt you like this. I won't bother you again."

  "You better not. Now get off my property. And if you do find your brother, tell him to go to hell."

  Ari backed away, pulling Matt with her. She almost tripped off the concrete porch, and once they were outside the broken gate, Matt bundled her into the car, then quickly climbed in behind the wheel and drove them away.

  After a few blocks, he pulled to the curb, shut off the engine, then gathered her into his arms. "I'm so sorry. That wasn't right. It doesn't matter what happened, she didn't have the right to do that to you." He stroked the tears from her cheeks. "Don't cry, sweetheart."

  "They're not for me." Some were, but mostly, "I'm crying for Gideon." For the things the woman must have said to him, the rage she must have taken out on him. "No wonder he disappeared. It would have been horrible." She buried her face against Matt's chest. The ache of Gideon's trauma was almost too much to bear.

  "I should never have brought you here. I'm so sorry I insisted."

  He held her tightly, his warmth flowing into her. And God, she needed him, his arms around her, his breath in her hair, his heart beating against her ear. "It's not your fault. I needed to come here today so that I'd know why Gideon disappeared." She inhaled a shaky breath. "I bet he never made it to the families of the other soldiers. Not after she ripped him apart."

  Matt gently wiped away another trickle of tears, first with his fingertips, then with his lips. Soft kisses meant to heal. "I've never met your brother, but something tells me he did make it. Because if he's anything like you, he wouldn't have stopped until his mission was complete."

  Matt was right about both her and her brother. Gideon wasn't a quitter, which meant there were two more families she needed to talk to. But she was suddenly tired of fighting the fear she'd always worked so hard to hold at bay where her brother was concerned. She sighed as heavily as if a plank of rocks were squeezing out all her breath. She'd never felt this close to hopelessness before.

  "I know we should keep going, but I'm not ready to look for the rest of them yet."

  "Taking a break can help you see everything more clearly. You've more than earned it, Ari. It's a long drive home, and there's a place in the mountains between here and the Grapevine where we can stay before we get home to my rambunctious five-year-old."

  And then he closed his arms around her again and held her close to his beating heart.

  *

  Ari was so emotionally wrung out that as soon as they checked in to the hotel, Matt tucked her into bed for a nap and wouldn't let himself join her so she would actually get the sleep she needed.

  Out on the grounds, his hands balled into fists as he thought of Esterhausen's widow. The woman's grief had leaked from her pores, permeating the air, making everything tense and achy. Her anger had been agonizing, and allowing her to take it out on Ari had gone against every one of his protective instincts.

  But he hadn't stepped up to protect her, because Ari clearly hadn't wanted him to. Controlling himself from ripping into the widow the same way she'd ripped into Ari had taken a monumental effort. Despite his fury, he couldn't slam someone who'd already been beaten by life and loss.

  Knowing that Esterhausen had left behind two boys who would now be fourteen and seventeen, he'd already set the wheels in motion to make an anonymous donation to their college funds.

  But that still left Gideon Jones, who was as lost to Ari now as he'd been before their road trip.

  Matt looked up at the blue sky above, knowing better than to think a silent wish could come true. He made it anyway, praying he could give Ari her heart's desire and hand over her brother.

  The depth of his emotion left him shell-shocked. The last two nights with Ari in his arms had been just this side of heaven. But watching her allow the widow to abuse her today...

  He cursed low and long, outside, where only the trees and the wind could hear. He'd wanted so badly to help her, protect her, comfort her. But he'd been helpless in the face of her anguish.

  Once upon a time, he'd thought he needed to make it through alone. But the Mavericks had proved they'd be there for him dozens of times over the past decades, just as he was there for them if they ever needed his help.

  Plunking down on a bench beside a gorgeous cluster of blue hydrangeas, he pulled out his phone and made a call to Will. Not to check on Noah this time--but because he needed to talk to one of his closest friends. Needed to lay out the whole debacle, from the moment the widow had opened the door, to Ari's tears, to once again not being able to step up to find her brother.

  "Man, that's tough," Will sympathized a few minutes later when Matt finally fell silent.

  "I wanted to strangle the woman for her cruelty, but I had to remember what she's been through and that I couldn't lash out to keep Ari safe."

  "You're a better man than I am," Will said. "I would have lashed out first, thought second." He paused a beat before asking, "How's Ari doing?"

  "She's getting some rest. She's wrung out." It wrung him out too, her pain, the horror and loss, but telling Will helped ease the tension. The Mavericks neither wore their hearts on their sleeves nor talked about women like drunks at a bar, but they were always there for each other. "She's indomitable. And still convinced I can find her brother, even after this."

  "You guys need a break, man."

  "Agreed." If Matt could rewind time and live today over, he would have taken Ari home instead of meeting the bitter woman. But even as he thought that, he knew Ari would willingly take any chance to find her brother, no matter how difficult. "I don't want to tackle the other soldiers' families until Ari's over this one."

  "Hell, I'm real sorry about all of it. But I'm glad you'll be home for Halloween. Noah's been frantic that you won't make it to the party."

  "We won't miss it. And thanks for taking such good care of him."

  "Anytime, you know that. Everything else okay?" Will left a pause as pregnant as a woman screaming her way into the hospital.

  "Business is fine." If he ignored the question Will hadn't actually asked, maybe it would fade away.

  Will let out a low laugh that told Matt things wouldn't go his way. "I meant with you and Ari."

  "I... We..." Damn it, even to himself, he sounded like a lovesick fool. One who no longer knew which way was up and which was down.

  "Look, Matt, don't worry. I know that whatever happens between you two, you're the kind of guy who'll always do the right thing."

  That just made it worse.

  When Will hung up, Matt stared unseeing at the phone for a few long moments. His friend had said "you and Ari" as if their getting together was a given. As if it was okay.

  But was it?

  Could he actually have his beautiful nanny for more than just a few secret days on the road?

  All his life, Matt had been careful. He'd learned to control himself, because his father had made him pay whenever he did or said the wrong thing. Only during those early months with Irene had Matt forgotten all his caution
. If not for Noah, he never would have forgiven himself for letting down his guard with anyone who wasn't a Maverick. Once he had a child of his own, he'd needed to be hypervigilant with the precious gift he'd been given. And he'd beaten himself up every time he'd blown it.

  But with Ari, he forgot those hard-won lessons again and again. He could never have imagined needing a woman the way he was terrified he needed her.

  If it did all go wrong, it wouldn't be just his son who paid the price by losing his beloved nanny. Matt would lose too.

  He'd lose the brightest light he'd ever known.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  When Matt returned to their room, he found Ari still sleeping. She'd been as low as he'd ever seen her when they checked in, and even as she slept, uncharacteristic frown lines marked her brow.

  He'd give absolutely anything to return her joy to her. Will had said Matt was the better man. But wouldn't the better man put some space between them until he was certain they could make things work in the real world, not just in secret?

  He cursed silently as he watched over Ari. While he couldn't stand the thought of leading her on, there was no way he could leave her alone either. Not today when he needed to find the light as desperately as she did.

  Stripping off his clothes, he forced away thoughts of anything but making her happy right here in this moment as he slid between the sheets. He pulled her close, and without waking, she snuggled, sighing sweetly, her arm across his chest.

  He lay quietly, relishing the feel of her, soft and warm in his arms. Had any woman's skin ever been so smooth? Had any lover ever been so trusting?

  He trailed his hand along her arm, twirling a lock of her hair around his finger. As he listened to her gentle breathing, he couldn't keep his hands off her. Couldn't keep from kissing her cheek, her hair. Under the covers, he nestled her more deeply against him, her fragrance filling his head.

  She made a light sound, beginning to wake as her leg slid up his calf, and he tucked his hand under her thigh to press her hips tightly into his. Her fingers flexed on his chest as he moved his lips over her soft skin.

  "You're so beautiful. So sweet." He took her mouth, kissing lightly. "So giving. So kind." Her arm curved around him. "I love how you are with Noah." His fingers rambled over her bare back to the waistband of her panties. "I love the sound of your laughter." He buried his face in her hair, then moved to her ear, tracing his tongue along the shell so that she shivered in his arms. "You're strong and smart and funny." He gently bit the curve of her shoulder, and she rewarded him with a soft laugh. "I love that you take Noah to see mummies and monkeys."

  "Gorillas," she corrected, a smile in her voice as she came fully awake.

  His heart expanded as he pulled back to see her smile. "I love how open you are with me. That you trust me to love you the way you deserve to be loved."

  She cupped his face in her palm. "Love me, Matt. Please just love me."

  Their mouths melded in a long, drugging kiss that sent his heart soaring. Rolling her onto her back, he braced himself over her, kissing her cheeks, her eyes, and finally her lips. They had until tomorrow morning, and he wanted to love her long enough to make her forget the unbearable scene at the Esterhausen place.

  *

  Their coming together had always been about pleasure, about how many times he could make her come, how crazy she could get, how hard and fast he could take her.

  But tonight, Ari wanted the precious intimacy of Matt inside her. Just that. As if it weren't merely sex, but a total union. She wanted to relish the feel of him without being blinded by her own climax. Not yet. First, she wanted to savor him.

  After he stripped away her bra and panties, she trailed her fingers along the arrow of hair stretching down into his boxers. "You're so beautiful," she said, the same words he'd said to her. "So sweet." She cupped him inside the cotton. Hard, hot, ready. "So giving." He'd treated her so tenderly, soothing the hurt of that horrible visit. She couldn't remember all the things he'd whispered to her, only that they'd wrapped around her heart and drawn her to him. "I love how you stood up for me."

  He closed his eyes and breathed harshly. "I should have done more." His voice broke softly with his anguish.

  "You already do so much. More than anyone else ever has." More than she'd ever expected anyone would.

  He was a protector, always looking out for her, physically, emotionally. And as he slid on latex, she let him protect her again, though she wanted nothing more than to feel his bare skin against hers.

  She was already slick with desire, and part of her wanted the bliss, the mindless pleasure that would come if he took her fast, hard, out of control. But he filled her slowly, as if he were pouring himself into her, seeping into all the cracks and fissures that had been inside her for years. She swore he was healing them all, even the fracture she'd suffered today. When their bodies were finally tight together, she let out a sigh of soul-deep pleasure.

  Then he kissed her.

  They kissed forever, with only the sound of their breath and their mouths sliding together. It was sweetness, it was beauty, it was beyond pleasure.

  She felt alive and beautiful and totally possessed.

  Slowly, she raised her legs to his waist, and he moved deeper still, so high inside her that she could almost feel him touch her heart. His stillness let her feel everything fully--the pulse of his blood, the way her body tightened and rippled over him of its own accord. She curled her arms around his neck and kissed him with everything in her heart, until he was all she could taste and smell and feel. Until he was simply everything.

  The other nights they'd shared had been bliss, but this was pure heaven.

  She locked her feet at his back, and he moved to accommodate her. Then, suddenly, she needed more--and yet again, he read her mind, moving slow and sweet, so utterly tantalizing, her nerve endings coming completely alive.

  All the while, he kissed her, angling his head to take another long sip of her. When he groaned, she felt the vibration in her mouth, her throat, against her chest.

  She gasped, finally breaking free of his lips as he slid over her most sensitive spot inside, setting her on fire. "More," she begged, and he gave it to her, his muscles gathering for speed, friction, and crazy wild sensation. She clung to him, rocking, letting him take her higher, until they were flying.

  Then everything splintered, and she crashed through, holding him tight, hauling him with her, shuddering, quaking, losing herself in him, just as he lost himself in her.

  Ari came to her senses slowly, drinking in the salty-sweet smell of their sex, the tightness of her muscles, his body on hers, his throb deep, his breath still wild in her hair, his skin stuck to hers. She didn't want him to move, craving his weight on her and his pulse inside her. As if they were one.

  "That was just what I needed. You are just what I needed."

  "I needed you too, Ari." Finally, he moved, and her arms slipped away, only her hands remaining on his shoulders as he levered himself above her. "I wanted to be there for you with that woman today. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to avenge you."

  She held him still, his face now in her palms. "You're the most beautiful, kind, caring man I've ever known." She could no longer keep the words inside. Or how true they were. "I love you."

  *

  She loved him.

  Matt reeled as her words played over and over inside his head. It was pure instinct to claim her mouth again as emotion grew bigger, stronger inside of him. Though he hadn't said he loved her too, she didn't hold anything back, just kissed him as fearlessly as she'd declared her love.

  A week ago, he would have tried again to tell himself she was too young, that she didn't have enough experience to know the real thing. After all, he'd once been young and naive enough to think he loved Noah's mother.

  But the past days on the road had proved Ari's age had nothing whatsoever to do with how strong she was. How brave. How fearless.

  All he wanted was to
make her happy, and hearing those same words from his lips would bring her the joy he sought to give her. But Matt never made promises he couldn't keep.

  Ari was beautiful and special and unique, but he still didn't know if he was capable of giving her what she truly needed. She deserved real love, which meant you never, ever let a person down. Yet he'd let her down today, hadn't he?

  Because no matter how much Ari thought she could take, he should have gotten her out of there the moment the widow Esterhausen started to spew her vitriol. It was exactly like that day the little bully had slapped the book out of Noah's hand. Matt had watched, waiting for the right moment to step up, only to be too late.

  That was why he couldn't say those words back to her yet. Not until he knew for sure that he could be a better man who would never, ever let her down. Which meant, at the very least, keeping his promise of finding her brother.

  Still, he needed to give her something right now. Needed her to know how much she meant to him, even if he couldn't give her the words he knew she wanted to hear.

  He drew back from her beautiful mouth. "Ari--"

  She put a finger over his lips. "I love you. I need you to know that. But that doesn't mean you have to say it back tonight."

  Her smile was as sweet and gentle as her touch, and he was amazed that she could bare her heart to him so fearlessly. He'd brought her into his life so that she could teach his son, but Matt was the one who was learning the most from her.

  Learning how to trust again.

  Learning how to find joy in the little things, like a sunny afternoon on a backyard trampoline.

  Learning how to have hope even when the odds all seemed stacked against you.

  "Ari--" he began again, but before he could fumble his words, she kissed him, taking all the things he felt but didn't know how to say and transforming them into sweet, boundless pleasure.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  They headed home the next day, stopping briefly at Matt's house to pick up the Halloween costumes before going to Will Franconi's place in Portola Valley.

  Matt hadn't said he loved her, and Ari wouldn't lie to herself and say it didn't hurt. But there was something different and special in the way he looked at her now, in the gentleness of his touch, the sweetness of his kisses.