“It depends on whether or not I get back to work or not. I have a rush at the end of the day, usually.”
He looked at his watch. “I should probably get back. Dina is going to wonder what happened to me. Believe it or not, I didn’t come her to have sex.”
“Oh?” I lifted my head to look down on him. “You came to scare my customer?”
He nodded. “I’m an asshole, but I can’t stand the idea of someone else touching you.” He gripped my ass.
“You’re the only one touching me Cy.”
He rolled me underneath him again. “You’re the only one touching me too, Petal. Just so we’re clear.”
That wasn’t a declaration of love or something beyond friends with benefits, and yet, it was satisfying to hear.
“Good. Because I don’t want to share either.”
He gave me a quick kiss and then rolled out of bed. We dressed and he walked me back down to the shop. I unlocked the door just as a couple of people walked up to it.
“I’ll be right with you,” I told them as I let them in. To Cy, I said, “Will you be back later?”
He nodded. “After work? Can I take you to dinner? Make up for being such a dick?”
“It will take more than one dinner.”
He laughed. “I better start paying up then. Oh wait, I do need some cupcakes. Dina wants the pumpkin one.”
I helped the other people first, and then gave Cy a box of cupcakes for the office.
When he left, I had a moment to catch my breath. I wasn’t sure what just happened. It was an emotional roller coaster ride, that was for sure. But I didn’t think anything new came of it. We were in the same place as we were before. It was the place I agreed to be, and I was still agreeing to be there. What I thought would be an enjoyable addition to our relationship was at times, creating pain. It was a sign that I needed to tell him how I felt or end the benefits part of the relationship. At the same time, I savored the extra intimacy I had with him.
When he showed up later that evening, he’d brought takeout. “I hope you don’t mind not going out.”
There was something in his demeanor that put me on edge. Had he reflected on the afternoon and thought, like I did, that this was going in a direction that would likely end up with one or both of us hurt, and ruining the one thing we said we wanted to preserve; our friendship?
“No. I like takeout.” I locked up the shop and led him upstairs to my apartment.
He set the Chinese food on the table and opened the container. The scent of the food, normally something I loved, sent a wave of nausea through me. I covered my nose.
“Are you okay?” he asked, as he set the plates he got from my cupboard on the table.
I nodded. “Yeah, uh…just all of a sudden I don’t feel great.”
He frowned. “Are you sick?”
I pressed my hand to my forehead. “I don’t think so. You go ahead and eat. I’m going to grab a glass of water.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “I just need a minute.” I got a glass and turned on the tap. “Did your afternoon go okay?”
“The best part was up here with you.”
I smiled as I took a sip of the water. “A little afternoon delight as a pick-me-up?” I brought the glass to the table.
After a few deep breaths, my stomach settled and I served myself some lo mein. I figured the stress of this situation with Cyrus was getting to me.
“Something like that.” He smiled, but there was still a strain in his expression. I guess our situation was getting to him too.
We ate in silence for a moment, but eventually I couldn’t take it. “Cy? Is something wrong? Or is there something you need to tell me?”
He sighed. “Actually, yes.”
My stomach clenched and I hoped I could keep my dinner down.
His eyes stared at me intently, and my fears worsened. “I hate to do this especially after the stunt I pulled today.”
I swallowed, and inwardly prepared myself for him to end the benefits feature of our friendship.
“You know that I’m taking the week of Thanksgiving with my mom,” he started.
“Yes.” Good God, I wish he’d just spit it out.
“I met with Jude when I got back to the office. With my being gone a lot we were reviewing cases, overall business health, and such.”
“Is everything alright with the business?” I took a drink of water to keep myself from demanding he get to the point.
“Yes. It’s great actually. Good enough that we can probably bring on another person.”
“That’s great.” I smiled even though I knew that wasn’t the point of this discussion.
“The thing is, Petal, it means I can spend more time with my mother.”
I felt guilty over the jealousy that flared. Fortunately, I was a good enough person not to express that bit. “Oh, that’s wonderful for both of you.”
He looked down for a moment before returning his gaze to mine, and I knew the punch line was coming. “What that means is that I’m going to return to Chicago and work remotely. Maybe even set up an office there.”
It took all my strength to smile. “Franchising already.”
He smiled, but it was sad. “It’s not necessarily forever. I just want to be there for her treatment, you know.”
“Yes, of course Cy. I understand. I think it’s wonderful that you can do that.” I reached out and put my hand over his, hoping he couldn’t see how my heart was breaking. I knew the chances were good that he was moving back to stay. Especially if they opened another office.
He turned his hand over and clasped it with mine. I had a flash back to earlier in the day when he’d held my hands as he made love…no…had sex with me.
“I’m going to miss you, Petal.”
His words made me realize that he wasn’t just ending the benefits part but also the friendship to some extent. There wouldn’t be any late-night calls that ended in phone sex.
I was glad I hadn’t told him I loved him as that would have made this moment harder.
“You too, Cy. I hope you won’t be a total stranger. I hope you’ll keep in touch some.”
He nodded, but it was non-committal.
I struggled to eat dinner because my throat had closed up. But we did our best to talk like friends. It was all I could do to not invite him for one last night in bed. There were moments when I thought he might ask. But instead, two hours later, I was wishing him well as he got ready to walk out my door.
His hand palmed my cheek. “I meant it when I said I’d miss you. You’re a light in life.”
His words both warmed me and gave me pain. He leaned forward and gently kissed me.
“If you see Paul again, tell him I’m sorry for being such an asshole.”
With those words, Cyrus was breaking things off. He was acknowledging that I had to move on.
“Be happy, Petal.”
I did my best to smile. “I will. You too, Cy. I wish all the best for you and your mother.”
He turned and I watched as he went down the steps. When he reached the door to the street, he turned. I gave him a small wave. He waved back and then walked out the door and out of my life.
23
Cyrus
I’d done a lot of difficult things in my life. Navy SEAL training was no walk in the park. Some of the missions I’d done in the military tested the limits of my ability. But if someone asked me the hardest thing I’d ever done, I’d tell them it was walking away from Petal. Leaving her was like giving up the sun.
I’d left her apartment that afternoon after having sex feeling shaken. Feeling like something had shifted with us during our fight and then as I touched her. I was sorting out what it could mean when I got a call from Lora. She asked about Thanksgiving and the following week when my mother’s treatment would resume.
“I’m going to spend some time with my family. I’ll still be able to come by, but I wanted to make arrangements for at least one of her appoint
ments that I won’t be able to make,” she said. I was so grateful to have her help, and knew I was imposing on her a lot. Especially since I couldn’t reciprocate her desire to reconcile.
“I’ll make arrangements,” I said. Later when I was meeting with Jude, I discussed staying longer after Thanksgiving.
“Why don’t you just work remotely Cy. It will give you a chance to be there all the time when she needs you, and still be a part of the business, since clearly you don’t trust me to run it like I trusted you when I was out.”
I knew he was kidding, but I still said, “It’s not a matter of trust, Jude. I know you can run this place without me. But I enjoy it. We’ve really built something here.”
He nodded. “We have. But you need to be with your mom now. As far as I’m concerned you can take a full leave, but I’m not sure you know how to not work.”
I laughed. “I think you’re right. About the not knowing how not to work and the need to work remotely.”
It wasn’t right to put so much on Lora. I was the son. It was my responsibility to care for my mother. But when I thought about being in Chicago, the first thing that came to mine wasn’t work, it was Petal.
By the time, I arrived at her apartment, I knew I had to end things with her. Not just the benefits, but I needed to pull away from our friendship as well. What I’d realized from that afternoon was that this had gone beyond a couple of friends fucking. My emotions were involved, but I couldn’t pursue anything with her. I still couldn’t give her the house and family. Until I could totally untether those feelings from her, I couldn’t be just a friend. And since I needed to be with my mother, I couldn’t ask her to wait. I tried that with Lora, and it hadn’t gone well. Besides, Petal deserved all the happiness in the world. She deserved a man who could give her one-hundred-and-ten percent of himself. I might have been able to do that eventually, but not now.
I wanted to make love to her again before I left, but that seemed too cruel to do to either of us, so I gave her a soft kiss and walked away, each step a piece of my heart broke off.
Fortunately, I was busy the next few days making arrangements to work from Chicago, including setting up high speed Internet at my mom’s with Lora’s help, packing clothes to take, and closing up the house, at least for now. I’d have to figure out if I’d be back or if I needed to sell later.
Several times over those few days, I wanted to go see Petal, but I fought against that urge, knowing it would only make things harder. When I finally arrived in Chicago the week of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be easier. When I was with my mother, I was distracted from thinking about Petal, but when my mom rested or late at night, Petal was there. So many times, I picked up the phone, needing to hear her voice, but it would only make things worse. No, this needed to be like a Band-Aid that needed to be ripped off. I needed to go cold turkey. But fucking hell, it was tearing me apart.
“Cy? Are you okay?” Lora asked me one afternoon as she stopped by to check on my mom who was resting. “You seem out of sorts. Is it your mom? I know she’s having a hard time, but she’s hanging in there.”
I sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and staring off into space, as I often did now when my time wasn’t occupied. The offices were closed since it was Thanksgiving tomorrow so I didn’t even have work to distract me.
“Yeah, just a lot on my mind.”
She came and sat across from me. “Is it…your relationship? Moving back home, that can’t be easy. I know long distance relationships…”
She didn’t finish the statement. I wondered if it was because of the glare I sent her. But then I remembered how much she was doing for me and my mother. I rubbed a hand over my face and took a breath.
“It’s over.” Fuck, just saying that made my heart snap in two. How had that happened? How had a friendship with some lovely benefits turned into something else?
Lora put her hand over mine. “I’m sorry, Cy. Really.” She sat back. “Maybe when your mom is better, you can return to North Dakota.”
“Maybe. But I can’t ask her to wait.”
Lora looked down. “You could. And if she’s a good woman, she’ll wait for you. You’re worth it, Cy. Don’t think you’re not because of what happened with us. I’ve already told you that I regret that. What I regret most is hurting you.”
“Is that why you’re here? Some sort of penance.” I didn’t care why she was here. Whatever the reason, I’d accept her help because my mom needed it. I needed it.
“I care about your mom and you. Although maybe there is some guilt that I’m trying to alleviate. I don’t know. I just know I want to be here for her. And for you.”
“I do appreciate all you’ve done for us, Lora. Really. I probably haven’t said it enough, but I do.”
She nodded. “What about you? What are you doing to take care of you?”
“Me? I’m not the one who needs help.”
She rose from her chair, got the carafe of coffee and refilled my cup, pouring one for herself before putting it on a hot pad on the table.
“Cy, caregivers need to take care of themselves. It’s crucial. You can’t be fully present for your mother if you’re not at full capacity yourself. You need to do something to take care of you every now and then.”
That would require a trip back to see Petal, and I knew that couldn’t happen.
“Go to a movie, exercise, see friends. Many of your old friends are still around here, you know,” Lora finished.
I shrugged. “I don’t much feel like doing any of those things so I’m not sure how it would help.”
She studied me for a moment. “How about dinner at Roscoe’s? You always loved it there.”
“They have good steak.”
She smiled. “It’s settled. You and I will go. How about on Saturday?”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Cy. Are you really going to turn down great steak?”
It didn’t feel right going out to dinner with Lora and yet, maybe she had a point. In fact, maybe I should take her as a thank you. She’d always liked Roscoe’s too.
“Okay, but I pay. It will be a drop in the bucket for what I owe you, but it’s a start.”
She smiled, and I remembered once being dazzled by it. Then I saw Petal’s and I knew I’d never be as awed by another smile again.
Thanksgiving was a small quiet affair, as it had always been growing up since it was only me and my mom. But this year, instead of her cooking, I’d ordered food that was delivered. We made a pie together, mostly with her instructing me as she sat and watched. I made sure to savor every moment. While Lora assured me that my mother’s treatment and current state were par for the course, there was no guarantee that it was working. This could be my last Thanksgiving with her.
Many moments, I wished my mother had met Petal. I knew the two of them would hit it off.
“Cy. You know you don’t have to move home. I can see you miss your life in North Dakota,” my mother said as I tucked her into bed that night. It was odd switching roles. Not that I was parenting her. She could still give me the stink eye like no one’s business if I was doing something she didn’t like.
“I want to be here,” I said.
“No, you don’t. And it’s hard for me to see you look so sad.”
Fuck. I’d have to try harder to look happier. “I’m not sad.”
“Lora says you’re heart broken. I didn’t even know you’d been seeing anyone. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I sighed as I sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. “It wasn’t like that. I care for her, but it wasn’t serious.”
“Not like Lora was?”
I’d told Lora I loved her. I even asked her to marry me. So, on the face of it, it would appear that the relationship with Lora was more serious than with Petal, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to agree with that statement.
“Right now, my focus is on my main woman, which is you.”
She smiled. “You’re a good boy, Cy.
And Lora, she’s been wonderful.”
“I know. I’m going to take her to dinner Saturday. As a thank you for all that she’s done.”
My mother’s eyes gleamed a little bit and I knew she was thinking that maybe Lora and I would reconcile.
“Like I said, you’re a good person. I’m so proud of you. And I know you said that you and Lora won’t be together again, but maybe you can start over. If you are going to stay in Chicago, maybe there’s a chance for you two again.”
I knew I needed to set her straight, and yet, I couldn’t. If the idea of me and Lora getting back together made her happy, I’d let her have it for now.
I kissed her hand. “Get some sleep mom.”
I was coming to regret that decision over the next few days as my mom brought out old photos of me and Lora, putting some around the house. She reminded me that I’d proposed to Lora at Roscoe’s, which I hadn’t remembered. Not that I’d forgotten how I’d proposed, but I hadn’t thought about it when she mentioned going to dinner there.
When Saturday night came, and Lora arrived, it was like prom night. My mom wanted pictures. I was able to get her off that idea, but I knew I needed to have a talk with her once this dinner was over. Next time, I’d have to find another way to thank Lora that didn’t involve something that might be construed as a date.
“I’m sorry about my mom,” I told Lora at the restaurant after we’d ordered and gotten our drinks.
She laughed. “It’s okay. It makes her happy to think you won’t be alone.”
“Women get offended if someone suggests they need a man to be happy, but somehow, it’s okay to suggest I need a woman to be happy.”
“It has nothing to do with gender. She’s a mom who’s worried you’ll be alone. But you won’t Cy. I’ve assured her that you’ll be okay.”
“I appreciate that. I don’t need her worrying about me.”
Lora sipped her wine. “I told her I’d look after you.”
My gaze jerked to her, thinking holy crap, not her too.
“Stop looking terrified, Cy. I didn’t mean like that. I meant like a friend.”
Friends to Lovers: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Heart of Hope Book 6) Page 15