Chapter III: The Dilemma
By heart Deepankar is an extremely good human being, a good husband and a person who values relation. All along he looks Gayatri as his own sister, now how he would adjust his own mind to look the young lady as his wife. For Gayatri, Deepankar (soul) was her husband Manoj(body).
Now she has noticed one thing, after the accident, her husband became more emphatic to her and their unborn child. Though she was extremely unhappy to lose a brother in Deepankar and sister in Jyoti, she thanked God for sparing her husband unscathed. Now his change of attitude made her happier.
So in Gayatri’s perspective, their married life was turning towards a better innings and in Deepankar’s perspective it was heading for total confusion which might be turning to be a mess where only soul of Deepankar had to be grinded.
After release from hospital, when Deepankar reached home, Gayatri helped him to go to their bed room by putting her arms around Deepankar’s neck. While doing so, she did not have any reservation in touching her bosom against his body (her husband’s body). On the other hand, it was a few agonising moments for Deepankar.
After reaching the bed room, she laid Deepankar to the bed when her whole bosom was placed on his face. Fragrance of her body engulfed his body and mind. For a moment he enjoyed the fragrance; but on the very next moment he was overwhelmed by a guilty feeling. After all she was the wife of his best friend whom he has been looking as his own sister!
However, when she was helping him taking dinner he did not have any such problem. But once dinner was over and they were ready to go to bed, Deepankar started shivering and sweating. When Gayatri saw him shivering and sweating, she became worried. She called her in laws.
When they came, Deepankar got an idea and told his mother, ‘Mom, I want to sleep with you! Gayatri needs a good sleep for her own health and for the sake of our child.’
‘No, I cannot agree to your proposal. Gayatri needs your company for her own sake and for the child. She will have the best sleep with you only. When you were in my womb, I needed your dad’s company only; even I did not want to be with my own mother. So far sweating and shivering is concerned, you may need some more time to overcome the trauma of the accident. Here also, only Gayatri can give back your mental peace.’
Gayatri thanked her mother in law silently but told, ‘No mom, if he wants to sleep with you, it is ok.’
‘I know what is ok and what is not ok for you. Manoj, whatever I said is final.’ Turning to her husband, ‘Why you are still standing here? Let’s go and let them take rest.’
Both left the room without giving any chance to open Deepankar’s mouth. Deepankar took the name of God to save him from further embarrassment in his own eyes.
But God was not with him for last few days.
Gayatri pressed her bosom on his face and told, ‘Let me massage your head, so that you can sleep quickly!’
Deepankar was in a frozen state of mind to encourage or to discourage her from doing anything. How long he was in that state he could not remember as his tiredness got better of him and he fell to a fast sleep. When in the morning he awoke, it was already half past seven and he saw no body was in the room. He felt little bit relaxed. But his relaxation did not last long as Gayatri entered into the room after taking her bath. On seeing he awoke, she said, ‘I am bringing tea for you. Last night, you embraced me so tightly; my body is still in pain!’ Her smile did not indicate that she was unhappy for giving her pain by embracing tightly by her husband. Her statement embarrassed Deepankar.
On seeing him embarrassed she said smiling, ‘Do not worry; you had not hurt me so much. Actually, I liked that (strong embrace); you never embraced me so tightly earlier!’ A tone of satisfaction in her voice was obvious. She left the room for bringing tea for him.
Deepankar thought for a moment, should he tell Gayatri that he is Deepankar living inside the body of Manoj. Next moment he thought, would she believe it. ‘She will be worried and she will consult one or more psychiatrists thinking I am still under heavy shock after the accident. She has already been suffering from ailment related to early part of pregnancy. Nausea and vomiting has already taken a toll on her body and mind ;’ he thought. He decided not to tell anything for the time being.
Gayatri came back with tea and biscuits in a tray. She sat beside him and asked, ‘Should I help you to sit?’Without waiting for his reply she tried to help him by putting his hands on his shoulders. Her wet hair hit his face to his discomfort. In such a situation with Jyoti, he would have done something special to make ‘very good morning’ for the whole day. He was feeling an ache in his heart.
Gayatri was no mood to leave a single opportunity to enjoy his company. She intentionally fell on him once she put him on his sitting position securing his back on the rest (at the edge) of the bed. She was waiting in that position for some time expecting something reciprocal from her husband. Deepankar heaved a sigh. Gayatri got up from that position and looked at her husband. His sad look saddened her, ‘I understand your sorrow! Please try to forget the trauma! Think about our child! I want to make you happy all the time to come.’ She kissed his forehead and lifted the cup of tea from the tray and gave to her husband.
While taking tea Deepankar looked at Gayatri; Gaytri’s eyes were fixed on the face of her husband. Deepankar understood how much Gayatri used to love her husband. He also loved Jyoti more than himself. Since he had already lost Jyoti, he had no more desire to live. But that lanky fellow told categorically that he would die only after fifty years; so Deepankar has to live as Manoj happily with Gayatri and the parents of Manoj or leaving Gayatri in lurch. But in that case he has to live like a lunatic, because none will believe his story of ‘living one Deepankar in one Manoj’s body.’
Practically, Deepankar has no choice but to live as Manoj for next fifty long years. As soon as he can adjust with the life of Manoj, his problem will be eased out. For adjusting Manoj’s life, the first thing he has to do is to kick out ‘the Deepankar’ who treats Gayatri as his own sister and then he has to treat Gayatri as his wife. It appears to be an easy task for a person who is not living on a high moral ground, but for a person like Deepankar who always values personal relation; it is really a very hard task. He consoles himself, time is the best healer.
On one pretext or the other, Deepankar avoided any intimate physical relation with Gayatri. Gayatri also thought that her husband was not fully physically and mentally fit for such an intimacy.
On the tenth day after his release from hospital, Anuja, Gayatri’s doctor cousin visited Gayatri’s place to know well being of Gayatri. Anuja became happy to observe that Gayatri was flushing with newly developed confidence. As both of them were of same age, she asked Gayatri a very personal question. Gayatri’s answer perplexed Anuja.
Gayatri told ‘What you have asked, so far nothing happens like that. Frankly speaking after his accident, we have not made any intimate physical relation so far. But after the accident he appears to be more concern about me and our baby.’
‘That is alright; but you have to take initiative for physical intimacy immediately. Otherwise he will not be able to come out of his trauma quickly. In the long run it may affect his psyche so much that he will not be able come out of trauma permanently.’ Anuja cautioned her.
Gayatri seemed to be worried now.
On that night, after dinner Gayatri asked her husband to help her to remove her night gown which was caught in her hair. Deepankar understood, it was not the night gown that disturbs her, but her desire disturbs her. Somehow almost closing his eyes, he cleared the mess deliberately created by Gayatri. As Gayatri did not move away from her husband, Deepankar moved away from Gayatri. But today Gayatri was in no mood to relent. She almost pounced upon her husband and literally dragged him to the bed and placed herself on her husband. Putting her head on his chest she said, ‘Why do you want to avoid me?’
‘No, I am not avoiding you. But you are through a phase where our intimacy should
be limited.’ Deepankar tried to defend his position.
‘Today Anuja told me that we should start our physical intimacy once again. Otherwise, I may lose confidence in myself! Am I not looking awesome now a days?’
‘No, no, still you are looking gorgeous. But we should not go for that at the early part of pregnancy. That may invite complications.’ Deepankar wanted to avoid any physical intimacy at any cost.
But she was not going to budge to his arguments and started unbuttoning his shirt and asked, ‘Do you not love me? If you love me, you have to agree to my proposal today and you have to do what I want to do.’
Deepankar was lying like a dead wood. Gayatri’s hands were moving on his body like by a hungry lion searching for a deer. Finally the animal instinct took over the mind of Deepankar also. He embraced Gayatri for the first time as his own wife. Deepankar closed his eyes and imagined Jyoti was lying on his chest. He embraced her tightly and murmured, ‘Jyoti, Jyoti, my darling!
Love and Worries Page 3