by Alan Garner
a. “Just look at it this way: your mom raised you and now you’re paying her back.”
b. “I’ll bet you’re secretly pleased to be living with her again.”
c. “You’re worried about the effect this is going to have on your life.”
The first two responses to each example tell others how they should feel or what they should do, or they express approval or disapproval, sympathy, or reassurance. Responses like these seldom help or satisfy those who confide in you. Instead, they generally lead them to conclude that you don’t want to get involved, that you don’t take their feelings seriously, or that you have little faith in their ability to solve their own problems.
The third response, the active listening response, would probably have quite another result. Being encouraged to express fully and freely their emotional reactions helps others to become more relaxed and calm around you. Having their problems understood and reflected—but left with them—shows them that you have faith in their ability to arrive at their own solutions. Also, being heard, understood and accepted without criticism by you will inevitably lead others to feel more positive about themselves, warmer toward you, and more interested in hearing what you have to say.
Many men and women who read Conversationally Speaking report major improvements in their relationships once they stop judging and begin active listening. A Santa Monica clothing salesman named Aaron related this experience:
When my son used to tell me he had received a bad grade, I’d ask, “Why didn’t you study harder?” When my wife would say she’d been late for work, I’d reply, “You should have left earlier.” Once, I recall, my baby girl told me with tears in her eyes that she was afraid of the dark. I replied, “You shouldn’t be. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
My advice was obvious, and all the criticizing and moralizing was causing my family to confide in me less and less.
Last week, my wife mentioned that she had gotten into an argument with her sister. Normally, I would have given her advice like, “You’ve only got one sister, so you’d better apologize.” Instead I replied, “Sounds like you’re upset.” Each time she spoke I made it a point to only “active listen”—even though I was dying to give her advice. I was thrilled! She shared thoughts and feelings with me that I never knew she had. I almost felt like I was learning about a stranger. And she seemed delighted by the chance to express herself without being cut off by some glib comment from me.
ACTIVE LISTENING
KEEPS YOUR CONVERSATION GOING
Active listening is an excellent way of encouraging others to talk to you. The interest you show will frequently lead people to expand upon their comments. The fact that you aren’t critical of their thoughts and feelings will help them to feel comfortable and to self-disclose more and in greater depth than they otherwise might.
Active listening also helps you solve the age-old problem of not having anything to say. If you’re frequently tongue-tied, you’re probably trying to pay attention to two conversations at once: the one you’re having with the other person and the one you’re having with yourself. (The latter typically consists mostly of worries about your performance. Paradoxically, the more you listen to those worries, the less able you are to do well.)
Active listening encourages you to set aside this troublesome self-talk, to get involved with what the others are relating, and to experience deeply what they are feeling. You’ll be surprised to find that when you concentrate on your conversational partners rather than on yourself, it will be far easier for you to think of things to say. And, since you’ve paid them such close attention, it will be still more likely that they’ll want to hear it!
COMMON MISTAKES IN ACTIVE LISTENING
Parroting
Many men and women new to active listening find themselves merely rewording the remarks of others. For example:
LARRY: I’m having a great time.
TED: You’re enjoying yourself.
LARRY: The roller coaster is my favorite ride.
TED: You like the roller coaster best.
LARRY: I hope we don’t have to go now.
TED: You want to stay longer.
Parroting responses like these give the illusion of understanding. Real active listening involves stating your conclusions as to the meaning behind what the other person has said.
Ignoring or Downplaying Feelings
1. WIFE: I feel like I’m on an endless treadmill, taking care of the kids all day.
HUSBAND: Those kids certainly keep you busy.
2. MARGARET: I’m depressed.
JANET: You’re a little under the weather.
Many people ignore or lessen the intensity of the emotions they hear when they use active listening. It’s as though they think feelings that they don’t acknowledge will go away. Exactly the opposite is correct. Failing to acknowledge the validity and intensity of the emotions of others tends to increase their intensity, while demonstrating understanding by active listening tends to have a cathartic effect.
ACTIVE LISTENING TO NONVERBAL MESSAGES
Nonverbal messages are often even more difficult than verbal messages to interpret correctly. This is because the same nonverbal expression (such as a smile or crossed arms) can be indicative of several widely differing emotions. For this reason, it is often helpful to check out your interpretations through this three-step process:
1. Tell the other person what you saw her do and heard her say that leads you to your conclusion.
2. Tell her what meaning you have tentatively attached to her actions.
3. Ask her if your conclusion is correct.
For example:
1. “When I asked you to go with me to my macramé class, you quietly said, ‘Sounds like fun,’ and then changed the topic. I don’t think you really want to go. Am I right?”
2. “You just said you like your job, but you frowned. Would it be right to say there are pluses and minuses to what you’re doing?”
3. “You keep yawning, and I wonder if you wouldn’t rather go home.”
If you’ve drawn no conclusion, you might simply want to state what you have observed and then ask the other person for an explanation. For instance: “Ever since I met you last month, you’ve only wanted to get together for lunch—never for dinner or a show. I’m curious to know why that is.” “When I mentioned skiing in Vermont just now, a little grin came over your face. I’d love to know what you were thinking.”
One of many occasions on which I have found active listening to nonverbal messages particularly important was when a college friend named Angie suddenly stopped returning my hellos. After this went on for almost a week, I said to her, “Angie, I’ve been smiling and saying hello to you for five days straight and you haven’t responded at all. I think I’ve done something to offend you. Am I right?” Angie replied, “No, not at all, Alan. It’s just that I’ve been going nuts getting ready to defend my Ph.D. thesis and haven’t been able to think about anything else.”
GETTING OTHERS TO PARAPHRASE YOUR REMARKS
If you want to be certain that someone understands your messages, ask her to use active listening by saying, “I just want you to listen and tell me what you hear me say. Don’t give me your opinion or try to solve my problem. I just want to know that you understand me.”
In the emotionally charged atmosphere of arguments, it’s easy to misinterpret messages and so active listening is especially valuable. Tell the other person, “So we’ll be certain we understand each other, let’s do something new. After each time you speak, I’ll tell you what I heard you say before replying. If I haven’t gotten what you said right, you’ll try again until I do. And you do the same for me. OK?” Then begin the process by speaking and asking the other person what he heard you say or by paying attention, active-listening, and then asking if you were accurate.
CHAPTER FOUR
Taking Advantage of Free Information
I’ll go by Janey’s, oh, two or three times a week, or she’
ll come by to see me. We usually talk about our jobs or our kids or some bit of news. I try hard to follow the thread of the conversation, but after awhile, it’s like we’ve said it all—just plowed that subject right into the dirt! Then she and I—we’ll stare at each other or laugh or what have you. It sometimes gets kind of embarrassing. Finally, one of us will just make up some excuse to go.
—Charlene
Charlene’s experience is quite common—and quite unnecessary. There’s no reason for her, or you, to be at a loss for words. During the course of a conversation, others will almost always be giving you plenty of free information, data beyond that which you requested or expected. If you take advantage of this free information by making statements or asking questions related to it, you’ll find plenty of opportunities for channeling your conversations in interesting directions.
Consider the following exchanges (with the free information in italics), which are drawn from my interactions over just the past two days:
1. ALAN: You certainly dance well, Gloria. Have you had many lessons?
GLORIA: Actually, this is my first one here at Earl Manning’s, but I used to go out dancing every night when I was living in Manhattan.
2. ALAN: Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.
LOU: Yeah, well, my baby’s been sick, so I’ve had to spend more time at home.
3. ALAN: I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who gets most of their news from looking through the plastic at newsstands.
SHARON: too busy with schoolwork to read much more.
4. ALAN: Hi, Margret. Is Laurie around?
MARGRET: No, she’s out buying ingredients for a birthday cake we’re going to bake.
5. ALAN: When is the airport transit bus due?
MAN: It was supposed to be here ten minutes ago . . . It’s usually pretty much on time. (Note: This sentence, and particularly the word “usually,” is valuable free information because it indicates that the man has frequently taken this bus and that he probably flies often.)
6. ALAN: That’s a colorful print. Where’d you get it? PAT: I saw it at an art shop on Main Street and it immediately caught my eye. Look how the artist painted it all with dots of color.
7. ALAN: The ocean’s certainly acting up today.
AMY: Yeah. Kinda reminds me of Lake Michigan during a storm.
HOW TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF FREE INFORMATION
When you listen closely, you will note that your conversational partners are often dropping little pieces of free information like those above.
If you think this free information might be stimulating or useful, that’s the time to follow up on it. Not only is it OK to do so, it’s the norm to use free information to switch to other topics now and then without worrying in the least whether you ever return to the original topic. In fact, very few social conversations stay on any one topic for more than a few minutes.
To take advantage of free information, all you do is make a comment or ask a question about it. As usual, open-ended questions will do the best job of promoting an in-depth response. (Glen: “You have a nice tan, Billy.” Billy: “Thanks, Glen. I got it camping this weekend with Doreen.” Glen: “I’ve never been camping and I’m curious to know what you enjoy most about it.”) You may even go back and bring up free information which you passed up previously. (“You mentioned earlier that you and Gina were in Venezuela last summer. What difficulties did you have traveling with the baby?”)
Free information also consists of things like the other person’s clothing, physical features, behavior, and location. All these can be used as take-off points for conversation. (“I noticed you have a Phillies T-shirt on. Are you from Philadelphia?” Sometimes, your free information will consist only of a general impression: (“You seem well versed in Chaucer. How do you happen to know so much?” “You seem more relaxed than when we last met. What’s happened?” “You look like you really enjoy dancing!”)
CHAPTER FIVE
Letting Others Know Who You Are
SELF-DISCLOSING
Asking open-ended questions, delivering positives, paraphrasing, and using the SOFTEN behaviors you’ll learn in chapter 11 will help others to like you and encourage them to let you enter their world. But using these skills will do little to let them see what your world is like.
The people you meet want to know about you too: your attitudes, interests, and values; where you live; what you do for a living; what you do for fun; where you’ve been and where you’re going; and how available you are for future contact. The information you share provides them with a framework for deciding what type of relationship they might be able to have with you.
If you find that your relationships often die before they really get going, it may well be that you aren’t telling others enough about who you are. It’s unrealistic to expect strangers to care about you. People only care about those with whom they are involved. And self-disclosure plays a vital role in helping to get them involved.
At best, if you fail to self-disclose, your conversational partners will for a time consider you mysterious and be intrigued. But before long, they’ll probably become frustrated by your lack of reciprocity and will conclude that you really aren’t interested in getting to know them, have little going for you, or are a member of the Mafia.
THE PROCESS OF UNVEILING
Self-disclosure can be a delightful process of mutual self-revelation. The first discloser reveals himself little by little in the hope that when the other person begins seeing him as he is, that person will be encouraged both to learn more and to join in the unveiling.
Self-disclosure is typically symmetrical, meaning that people normally self-disclose at about the same rate. Outside of counseling sessions, it’s rare for one partner to reveal much more than the other.
You can promote self-disclosure in your relationships by promoting symmetry. Ask questions, show interest in the responses you receive, and then attempt to link those responses to your own knowledge and experiences. If the other person is not rude or self-centered, she will probably soon begin asking you questions about your disclosures too. Here is an example of how this usually works:
GARY: Hi! Say, aren’t you new to this church?
JEAN: Why yes, this is only the second time I’ve been here. I just moved into town.
GARY: I’m pretty new here myself. What brought you to Houston?
JEAN: Well, my company moved here from New York and I’m their chief accountant.
GARY: I have to admire you if you can make a living balancing a company’s books. I’m a photographer for the Chronicle and I sometimes have trouble just balancing my own records.
JEAN: A photographer, eh? How’d you get involved in that?
You can also promote the process of self-disclosure by modeling the responses you want. For instance, if you want to find out someone’s first name, you are most likely to get it by saying, “By the way, my name’s ____________. What’s yours?” (If you want his full name, reveal your full name.) The same is true for addresses, telephone numbers, and any other facts, as well as for opinions and feelings. By being the first to make a revelation, you make it clear that an exchange of information is taking place rather than an interview, and you let him know exactly how you want him to answer. Modeling makes it easy for others to reveal themselves.
As self-disclosure proceeds symmetrically and as trust builds, the content of the disclosures typically deepens. Within the course of a conversation (and indeed, within the course of a relationship), interaction normally becomes more significant and meaningful as it proceeds. There are four progressively deepening levels through which communication generally passes: clichés, facts, opinions, and feelings.
1. Clichés: When one person encounters another, the two will almost always begin by exchanging clichés. This ritual serves sometimes to simply acknowledge the presence of another and sometimes to make it clear that each party is receptive to opening the channels of communication to more substantive exchanges.
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p; Typical ritual openings include:
“Hi.”
“How do you do?”
“Hello. Good to see you.”
Since these ritual openings are not designed to exchange information, a simple “Hi,” or “Good to see you too,” in return is all that’s expected.
If you and the other person are heading in the same direction and you aren’t interested in discussing anything of substance, you may want to use up the time by responding at somewhat greater length to her ritual opening or by bringing up an insignificant cliché topic such as:
“How do you like this weather?”
“How are things at the store?”
“How are the kids?”
“Say, what’s happening with your dancing lessons?”
“What did you think of last night’s game?”
2. Facts: Having exchanged clichés, people generally proceed to exchanging facts. In new relationships, these will usually be the basic facts of your life; in existing relationships, these will typically be recent developments:
“I’m a carpenter in Fayetteville.”
“I go roller skating every Sunday.”
“My aunt’s in town and I’m showing her around.”
“Standard Oil has decided to send me to Ohio for two weeks to get advanced training.”
Early exchanges of facts are very much like job interviews. Each person tries to find out whether there is enough to share to make a relationship worthwhile. This below-the-surface purpose of preliminary conversations became all too apparent to me last week when a new neighbor dropped by for a chat:
NEIGHBOR: Say Al, do you like baseball? A group of us go to Angel stadium every week or so.