by Alan Garner
TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON
Most people like to talk about themselves and will be pleased to respond to your questions or comments. Before you begin, observe what the other person is doing, wearing, saying, and reading, and think of something you’d like to know more about. For example:
“That’s an interesting jacket. Tell me, what does the insignia stand for?”
“You’re the best archer here. What do you do to train?”
“That was a fascinating comment you made to the board. Tell me, why do you think solar energy isn’t being developed more quickly?”
To a policeman: “I’d like to join the force. How do I go about doing it?”
“You look lost. Can I help?”
“Say, haven’t I seen you at an Amway meeting? My name’s__________. How did you happen to get involved in Amway?”
While jogging: “What kind of running shoes are those? Why did you choose that brand?”
At a restaurant: “Mind if I join you? (Author Henry Miller never liked eating alone and often used this opener. Just imagine the hundreds of new people he got to know, people he never would have met had he gone to the nearest vacant table. It’s my experience that 20 percent of the people you ask will decline, and they will usually apologize, saying they’re expecting a friend or have lots of work to do.)
At a party: “How do you happen to be at this party?” (Australian communications expert Allan Pease once tried out the old cliché, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” His most memorable answer: “Probably, I work at the zoo.”
Some psychologists favor opening remarks which directly convey your interest in the other person. For example, “Hi, you look nice and I’d like to meet you,” or “Hi. I’ve noticed you here several times and thought I’d come over and introduce myself.” They contend that this method has far more impact on others than do more subtle openers, and that with so many people and stimuli around, it’s vital to have impact.
TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF
Common though they are, especially among lonely people, openers about yourself rarely stimulate conversation. Dale Carnegie once noted that strangers are far more interested in talking about themselves than in talking about you.
I agree, though I can’t help but enjoy Dr. Art Lange’s funniest opener: “Hi! I’m Art! How do you like me so far?!”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Issuing Invitations That Are Likely to Be Accepted
THERAPIST: If you wrote the story of your life, what would you title it?
CLIENT: I don’t know. . . . How about . . . Nothing Happened?
THERAPIST: Kind of like that book, Something Happened?
CLIENT: Yeah. Only Nothing Happened. . . . Most of the time, I feel like a bank guard must feel . . . like I’m watching everyone, but I’m not really a part of it all—I don’t really help shape it . . . I don’t matter to anyone. . . .
THERAPIST: You feel like a spectator watching life go by.
CLIENT: Yeah. Just a spectator. . . . And even when a miracle occurs and I do meet somebody, nothing ever seems to work out.
THERAPIST: You mean you often get rejected?
CLIENT: No. We just talk, then we say goodbye, and that’s it.
THERAPIST: You don’t invite them to see you again?
CLIENT: No. I think that if they really liked me, they’d do the inviting.
Most people respond to others in reactive ways. They wait for others to make eye contact first, to smile first, to talk first, to issue invitations first. Since most of the people they encounter are also waiting, all too often everybody ends up frustrated. Listen to people who typically respond reactively and you’ll often hear them passively grumbling about how “things never seem to work out,” when it would be more accurate for them to say, “I never even try.”
Most men and women who are socially successful actively work to bring others into their lives. Two of the most important ways they do this are by starting conversations with people they want to meet and by issuing invitations to those they want to get to know better. Chapter 6 taught you some strategies for starting conversations, and here are some pointers which will greatly increase your chances of having your invitations accepted:
USE DUAL PERSPECTIVE
Different people have different interests. Your invitations are vastly more likely to be well received and the other person is far more likely to have a good time if you think not only in terms of what you’d like to do but also in terms of the other person’s preferences. Just because you enjoy playing cards, wrestling, or watching romantic 1940s movies doesn’t mean that the other person will share your enthusiasm.
It’s easy to achieve dual perspective: Just ask the other person what activities interest him. Then pick one that would be fun for you too, and ask him to join you.
If you don’t use dual perspective in planning your activities, you’re more likely to get turned down, and even if you get a “yes,” you may regret it. Some years ago, I invited my neighbor, Mario, to go fishing. I was so eager to take him that I brushed aside his remark that as a child he had gotten sick on a boat and ignored his hint that he’d really rather play tennis.
After making his first catch, Mario began to lose color and complain about feeling dizzy. Throwing up momentarily helped his condition, but first, he sank to the floor of the boat next to a fish that was flopping about and moaned, “I told you I get seasick!”
That’s what you get when you don’t use dual perspective.
BE DIRECT
It’s a good idea to get a firm commitment from the other person before the end of the first meeting. Tell her what activity you have in mind, the day, time, and place, and perhaps why you, using dual perspective, think she’d have a good time. Then ask if she’s interested.
Don’t start by asking, “Are you doing anything Saturday night?” Many people (and I am one) feel embarrassed at responding, “No, I’m not doing anything at all.” And having said that, some feel resentful at being put into the position of having to either agree to the proposal, offer another, or say in effect that they’d rather do nothing than be with you.
START SMALL
You’d be more likely to lend me 50 cents than $50, wouldn’t you? Well the same is true for other people. The less you ask for, the more likely you are to get it. So if you’ve just met somebody, he’s more likely to agree to a cup of coffee than to a seven-course Chinese dinner.
“Come on over here, youngster, and grab a hamburger.” That was how my next door neighbor, Jim, brought me into his life. (Jim, incidentally, is 84 and considers anyone under 70 to be a youngster.) I accepted his invitation, quite frankly, because it required very little of me and because Jim smiled broadly and made it seem like it would be fun. Besides, I’m always ready for a good hamburger! As we got to know each other, I learned that Jim shares my delight in going for long walks by the water, and the next week, that’s just what I invited him to do.
The woman I have been seeing the past year also worked her way into my life by starting small. She simply called me up and told me, “Alan, a bunch of us are getting together at my place for Sunday brunch. I’d like you to join us.” Although I hadn’t originally been attracted to her, I accepted because it didn’t sound like a “date,” it did sound enjoyable, and it wouldn’t require much time and effort.
SOUND CASUAL
You shape the responses of others more than you might realize. If you make your invitations sound like life and death issues, they’ll be taken as such as you’ll be less likely to get them accepted than if you simply make them sound like chances to have a good time.
Consider which of these two invitations you would be more likely to accept:
1. A worried expression crosses the other person’s face as he looks down, folds his arms in front of his chest, and says to you gravely, “I know you’re really busy, but I . . . I’d like us to get together sometime. Maybe if we had the chance, we could become good friends. I wonder if you’d consider playing racquetball with
me Saturday morning at the Y.”
2. He looks at you directly and smiles openly as he says in a casual tone, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you and I’d like to get together with you for racquetball Saturday morning at the Y. How about it?”
I enacted each of these quotations for twenty people in San Diego and asked which they would be most likely to accept. Nineteen chose the the second and only one woman the first. (She was a psychology student who said she wanted to understand the first person’s problem for a paper she was writing.)
IF YOU GET A “NO”
If the other person turns down your invitation, he may not be rejecting you. It may well be that he wants to get together with you but doesn’t enjoy the activity you suggested or is already committed for the time you proposed. If that’s the case, he’ll usually make the reason clear and the two of you can then make alternative arrangements.
Should you get turned down without an explanation, suggest another time or activity anyway. If the answer is still no and you get no other reassurances, you may want to conclude that he’s not interested. Don’t ask for a reason; you’re unlikely to get the truth and all you’ll do is heighten an already tense situation. Instead, exit gracefully by telling the other person something like, “Sorry you can’t make it,” or “Well, I’ve enjoyed meeting you,” or by leaving your number and suggesting he call you at a more opportune time.
Then again, you may decide to persist. A Washington, D.C., lawyer named Peter Goldschmidt once saw an interview with me in the San Francisco Chronicle and called to say he’d like to drop by to discuss some of my comments. I couldn’t make it then, nor any of the next three times he was in town, and I really wasn’t very encouraging. But Pete kept calling and we finally got together last February in San Diego. Since that time, I’m pleased to say, we’ve become good friends.
In a similar vein, a woman I know called a friend of mine three times before they got together; an actor I know of once saw his future bride riding in a college homecoming parade and called six times before she agreed to a date.
IF YOU GET A “YES” (which you probably will)
Enjoy!
CHAPTER EIGHT
Handling Criticism Constructively
No matter how good your relationships are, you will occasionally be criticized.
“You’re always late.”
“I wish you’d be nicer to my friends.”
“You’ll catch cold if you leave without a jacket.”
“You should come over to see your mother more often. You know, she’s not going to be around forever.”
How you handle critical observations like these plays a major role in determining the quality of your relationships. If you’re typical, you respond defensively in some of the following ways:
First, you may attempt to avoid the criticism by ignoring it, by refusing to discuss it, by changing the subject, or by walking away. Dick, a Hollywood plumber, provided this post-party dialogue with his (now ex-) wife:
BEVERLY: Dick, I’m mad at you.
DICK: Boy, talk about being mad. Just imagine how Mary Jane’s husband must feel!
BEVERLY: That’s not what I want to talk about. I want. . . .
DICK: (Backing away.) Look, I don’t know what it is this time, but let’s leave it till tomorrow. We’ve had a good evening and I don’t want to spoil it now.
BEVERLY: (Louder.) This is important. You made me feel ashamed of you.
DICK: We’ll discuss it in the morning. That’s a promise.
BEVERLY: (Shouting as Dick closes the door.) Dick!
Someone who criticizes you usually wants most of all to have her objections and feelings listened to and taken seriously. When you won’t even give her a hearing, you both leave the problem unresolved and you compound it by conveying personal disregard. Instead of restoring peace, this strategy typically leads to sharper and sharper outbursts of pent-up tension and, as with Dick and Beverly, to an ever-widening cycle of emotional detachment.
A second kind of defensive response to criticism is to deny it out of hand. Denying can be just as frustrating and damaging as avoiding, as you can see in thise role-play:
DORENE: Jack, I know you’ve got your heart set on that Trans Am, but we can’t possibly afford it. JACK: The heck we can’t! When you want something bad enough, you can always find a way.
DORENE: But the payments are $270 a month! We haven’t got that kind of money to spare.
JACK: Oh, we’ll just juggle the old budget a little.
DORENE: Besides, I’ve read that the police hate sports cars. If you buy one, they’ll probably single you out for tickets. . . . And then our insurance will go up.
JACK: No way. With this baby, I’ll be so far ahead of them, they’ll never catch up to me!
At the end of this interchange, Dorene said that she thought her objections had received no consideration whatsoever. She said she felt so frustrated and angry that she wanted to start screaming just to make Jack really listen. Had this been a real dialogue, their relationship would likely have suffered and Jack would have denied himself the very real benefits that might have come from taking Dorene’s advice into account.
Third, you may be attempting to excuse your behavior by explaining it in detail and downplaying its importance. Here are some fairly typical examples supplied by students.
Grant and his friend, Nancy:
NANCY: You were supposed to call me yesterday.
GRANT: Gosh, I’m sorry. Some of the switchboard clerks were on strike and I had to fill in. I can’t tell you how hectic it was. By the time I got off work, I was just too tired.
NANCY: So you left me hanging around, expecting a call tht wasn’t coming.
GRANT: Oh, you’re always so busy, I bet it was no big deal.
NANCY: Grant, it was a big deal, it is a big deal, and I’m furious!
Ellen and her father:
FATHER: How can you spend $1,000 for a vacation in France?
ELLEN: Dad, $1,000 isn’t so much anymore. Besides, I’m old enough. . . .
FATHER: Old enough to know better. That kind of money is enough for you to pay your grocery bills for a year! Or to finally finish UCLA.
ELLEN: Dad, I’m going to finish UCLA. I’ve only got a year to go, and I know I will. This just isn’t the time.
FATHER: And when the time comes, you’ll be too broke to do it. Then you’ll come to me again.
ELLEN: That was just a five-day loan till payday. I paid you back, didn’t I?
FATHER: Yes, you did, but it says something. It says that you live on the edge of poverty! You never save anything for a rainy day.
ELLEN: (Quietly.) It’s hard to save.
FATHER: Especially when you blow a thousand bucks for ten days of pleasure. And you’ll be there all alone!
ELLEN: I can take care of myself. All year long I’ve been cooped up in the office and I just want to spread my wings and experience life a little.
FATHER: The way you’re going about it, the only thing you’ll be experiencing for some time will be trouble.
Excuse-making puts you in a distinctly one-down position. Your one-up critic, having failed to receive even acknowledgment that his feelings or reasons have really registered, usually gets increasingly angry while laboring to counter each of your excuses with reasons of his own. Frequently, this defensive technique causes minor disagreements to snowball into full-fledged arguments.
A fourth defense is to respond to criticism by striking back (“fighting fire with fire”). Here are some examples cited by students:
Waitresses Barbara and Carol:
BARBARA: Carol, your clothes don’t look so hot today.
CAROL: You should talk after wearing that muumuu to the party last week! God, that was ridiculous!
Janice and her boyfriend, Tom:
TOM: Janice, you should have gotten ready earlier. Now we’ll be late for the show.
JANICE: Oh, well look at Mr. Perfection. I suppose you don’t remember all the times you�
��ve kept me waiting!
Striking back is a very tempting response. Your critic, who, after all, isn’t perfect himself, has both attacked you or your behavior and provided you with an excuse for releasing your tension back at him. However, though it may be cathartic on a temporary basis, striking back often causes great harm to relationships. It hardly ever leads to any consideration of the real problems and to possible compromises. Furthermore, it promotes heated arguments and causes people to lose respect for each other (“I try to reason with him, but all he does is scream. I don’t think he has a brain in his head.”) and to lose respect for themselves (“Why did I tell her that? Now she’ll really think I don’t care about her. How dumb of me!”).
Since the typical defensive ways of responding to criticism don’t achieve anything positive, let’s consider an honest and constructive alternative. Assertively practicing this alternative will help you to realize that you don’t have to become defensive when others point out what they consider to be your mistakes. Further, it will enable you to gain what may be valuable insight into their thinking. Finally, you can pacify your critics by allowing them to see that you are taking their opinions into consideration.
CONSTRUCTIVE ALTERNATIVE
Step One: Ask for Details
This alternative involves two step, the first of which is ask for details.6 Criticism is often given in generalities (“I don’t like your attitude.” “You don’t care about me.”). Requesting particulars will enable you to find out exactly what the other person’s objections are. This skill is neither an offensive weapon nor a defensive shield: It is a tool for understanding.
It’s simple to ask for details. Like a reporter, all you do is pose questions designed to find out who, what, when, where, why, and how: