Conversationally Speaking

by Alan Garner

  Who did I embarrass?

  Just what do I do that leads you to say I don’t care?

  Handling Criticism Constructively 95

  When did I ignore you?

  Where did I make a fool of myself?

  Why do you feel that I should stay home more?

  Exactly how do I act when you say I turn you off?

  In helping the other person to clarify her remarks you may want to ask for details by suggesting possible complaints and asking whether they are a problem. And, since your goal is understanding, once you find out, you may even want to ask whether she has any additional complaints to make. Since most people who criticize you probably expect you to respond defensively, make sure your voice carries no hint of sarcasm.

  Here are some examples which further illustrate how this skill works:

  SON: You don’t care about me.

  FATHER: Why do you say that: (Asks for Details.)

  SON: You’d be nicer if you did.

  FATHER: What would you like me to do: (Asks for Details.)

  SON: (Silence.)

  FATHER: Do you feel that I don’t care about you because I didn’t let you bring your friend to the ballgame with us? (Asks for Details.)

  SON: No.

  FATHER: Is it because I didn’t buy you candy? (Asks for Details.)

  SON: Yeah. All the other kids got to eat snowcones and cotton candy and I didn’t.

  MANDY: Boy, are you a cheapskate!

  TOM: What’s wrong? Didn’t I tip the waitress enough? (Asks for Details.)

  MANDY: No, it’s not that.

  TOM: Do you think I should have gotten us a cab? (Asks for Details.)

  MANDY: Well, it is shaping up to be an awfully long walk.

  In my seminars, I often have an exercise in which students are invited to point out some real or imagined shortcoming of mine while I ask for details. Here’s how one such exercise in Long Beach went:

  ALICE: I don’t like a lot of things about you. (Smiles)

  ALAN: Could you be more specific? (Asks for Details.)

  ALICE: Your clothing.

  ALAN: Is it my socks, my shoes, my shirt, or my pants? (Asks for Details.)

  ALICE: I like flared pants better.

  ALAN: Anything else? (Asks for Details.)

  ALICE: No, everything else is OK.

  ALAN: How about the color of my pants? Is that OK? (Asks for Details.)

  ALICE: Yes, I like it.

  MICHAEL: There’s something about the way you teach this class that I don’t like.

  ALAN: Uh-huh. What do I do that you don’t like? (Asks for Details.)

  MICHAEL: The material—it’s all useful, but there’s a lot to learn.

  ALAN: Are you saying you wish I’d cut down on the number of skills I teach? Or maybe that you wish the class were longer? (Asks for Details.)

  MICHAEL: No. I just wish you’d go a little slower, add a few more examples, and allow a bit more time for practice.

  My using this skill encouraged these students to respond in greater depth and to examine their own thinking. Although further questioning revealed that Alice’s objections were given in jest, I found that Michael’s were genuine. It was only because I was able to ask for details that I learned this valuable information. I have, in fact, altered the course in response and feel that everyone is better off for it. Had I changed the subject, explained why I taught the class as I did, or told Michael the problem was that he was slow, I never would have received the benefit of his valuable insight and Conversationally Speaking might never have been improved.

  It’s especially useful to ask for details when you think your critic may have an ulterior motive, as may be seen in the following dialogue related to me by a Ventura, California, broker named Todd:

  TODD: Hello.

  CHARLEY: Hi, Todd. What you doin’?

  TODD: Hi, Charley. I’m right in the middle of the Vikings-49ers game. The Vikings are ahead by two touchdowns.

  CHARLEY: Are you really wasting this beautiful afternoon watching football?

  TODD: What is there about my watching football that you don’t like: (Asks for Details.)

  CHARLEY: Nothing, Todd. I just thought you might want to get in some tennis.

  Todd’s use of this skill rapidly ended Charley’s attempt at manipulation. Rather than getting enmeshed in an argument about the merits of football or of watching TV in the afternoon, it allowed Todd to quickly find out what was really on Charley’s mind. Charley benefited because this technique made it easy for him to say what he really wanted. It also allowed him to examine his right-wrong structure to see whether he really feels it’s wrong to watch TV on a Saturday afternoon.

  Occasionally, when you ask for details, you will find that what you thought was criticism really wasn’t. One time, for instance, I delivered a lecture before a class at the University of Oregon on Plato’s view of the nature of reality. The talk was well received, and so I was surprised when a friend named Sherry came up and said, “Why are you still wasting your time with Plato?”

  I was tempted to strike back and inquire how she, a Physical Education major who whiles away much of her life playing badminton, could have the nerve to criticize me for my interest in Plato. Instead, I asked, “Why do you think this is a waste of time?” To my surprise, she replied, “I just think your real talent lies in psychology and in teaching people to be terrific!”

  Step Two: Agree with the Criticism

  After you ask for details and find out exactly what the other person’s objections are, the next step is simply to agree with the criticism.

  But how can you agree with criticism that is plainly wrong? Simple. There are two types of agreement statements and you can always use one or the other while at the same time maintaining your own position. Here are your options.

  1. Agree with the Truth. If you listen to your critics nondefensively, you will frequently find yourself agreeing that much of what they have to say is valid, accurate, or pretty likely in your opinion to come to pass. When this is the case, your most powerful response is to agree with the truth. Consider these examples related by students (and the defensive remarks they might have made):

  WIFE: You got sand in our camera when you took it to the river.

  HUSBAND: You’re right. Next time I’ll keep it inside a paper bag. [Next time, don’t ask me to bring it. I’m going for a walk.]

  JOHN: You certainly didn’t do a very good job of negotiating that turn.

  LARRY: I agree, I did turn too sharply. I’ll try to slow down before turning next time. [I did the best I could with this old car.]

  HOWARD: You always want to go to the movies.

  EVE: That’s true. I do like to go at least once a week. [And you always want to play cards.]

  JOYCE: I don’t think you should quit your job. You’ve got seniority; if business turns bad, you’ll be the last to go. On any new job, you’d be the first.

  KENNY: Good point. Maybe I should think about this a bit more. [What do you know about the working world? You’ve never had a job.]

  MOM: If you go out dancing tonight, you’ll be tired in the morning.

  DAUGHTER: That’s likely, but it’s worth it to me. [You never want me to have any fun.]

  MICHELE: That condo may be beautiful, but it’s thirty miles farther away from work. If we move in there, we won’t see each other as much, and our marriage is likely to suffer.

  MARK: That’s a real possibility, though I’d love to live in the country. [Look, there are talkers and there are doers. Let’s be doers.]

  You will note that although everyone in these examples agreed with the truth, no one put himself or herself down. Instead, they assumed what Thomas Harris calls an “I’m okay—you’re okay” position vis-à-vis their critics. (By contrast, avoiding the issue and excusing their behavior would have put them in an “I’m not okay—you’re okay” position; striking back would have put them in an “I’m okay—you’re not okay” position.)

  B
y practicing this response, you will soon feel more comfortable in situations that formerly left you or your critics upset. Still, if you often demand perfection of yourself and strive for unanimous approval, you may find it helpful to turn to chapter 12 at this point.

  It’s simple to learn to agree with the truth. The first step is to think about whether criticism directed at you is accurate or likely, in your estimation, to come to pass. If you have frequently been receiving the same criticism, you may wish to look particularly closely for evidence to back up those objections.

  When you agree with criticism, you can most effectively acknowledge your agreement by repeating the key words used by your critic. (“You’re going to be late.” “That’s true, I most likely am going to be late.”; “You didn’t clean up your room.” “You’re right. I didn’t clean up my room.”) This does a far better job of showing your critic that she has been heard than does just saying, “Yes” or “That’s right.”

  If you intend to change in response to the criticism, agreeing with the truth and then stating what you expect to do differently will normally restore harmony. Even if you don’t intend to change, you will improve the situation by assertively saying so after agreeing with the truth and admitting that your behavior may be a problem for the other person. Your critic will be satisfied that the problem has at least been acknowledged and will probably respect you for being so forthright. Certainly, he will like you better than if you had agreed, pretended you were going to work on the problem, and then carried on as before.

  Often, criticism will be delivered to you in uncategorical terms, using words like “always” or “never” to describe your behavior (“You’re always late.” “You never ask for my opinion.”) or labeling you (“You’re stupid [a failure, slow, selfish].”). When you are confronted with criticism that is obviously too broad, you can agree with the part that you think is true and disagree with the rest. Citing proof will most effectively help you to back up your disagreements.

  These interchanges occurred during the course of a workshop for therapists:

  EDWIN: You’re always late.

  ALLEN: I certainly am late today, though I’ve been early every other day this month.

  PAMELA: You never remember my birthday.

  SALLY: I did in fact forget your birthday last week, but I threw you a birthday party the year before.

  HARRY: You certainly are a slow eater.

  MYRA: I am eating rather slowly tonight, though last time we went out I finished before you.

  JERRY: You blew that big sale. What a failure you are!

  DAVID: Well, in this instance I certainly did fail, but I made five pretty big sales last week.

  Notice that several of these therapists made affirmative self-statements in disagreeing with criticism. Affirming your abilities and past successes helps build your self-confidence and helps others see that you have a positive self-image.

  Last week, I experienced the significance of making positive self-statements while running on the track at Cal State Long Beach:

  BILL: You’re only running three miles? I’m shooting for ten.

  ALAN: Ten miles is farther than three, and I think both of us are doing pretty good.

  (Contrast my response with the message I might have sent Bill—and myself—had I replied: “I guess my three miles is nothing compared to what you’re doing.”)

  Sometimes, critics will cite general truths in urging you to do what they want you to do. Even here, it’s completely possible for you to agree with the truth, yet still reject your critics’ conclusions.

  You may agree with the general truth, for example, that it’s important to save for your old age. But does it necessarily follow that you can’t even buy a nice new outfit, eat out, see a first-run movie, or go away from home on vacation? Of course not! You may agree that it’s important to help your fellow men and women. But must you therefore give to your critic’s favorite charity? Ridiculous! You would lead an absurd and miserable life indeed if you always tried to follow all the general truths that you believe. Besides, general truths frequently contradict one another: A stitch in time may save nine, but, then again, haste makes waste.

  Given these facts, when somebody cites some general truth, you can quite legitimately agree with the truth while maintaining your position. Consider these dialogues:

  GALE: Put down your work for an hour or two and let’s go swimming. You need exercise to keep healthy.

  BOBBIE: I agree that I need exercise to keep healthy, but I’ve got to defend a client in court tomorrow, so I can’t swim today. (Agrees with the Truth and Self-Discloses.)

  RHONDA: What do you mean you’re not going to help me collect newspapers. You know, each of us has to chip in if we’re going to save the environment.

  CHARLOTTE: I agree that we all need to do our part, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable collecting newspapers. (Agrees with the Truth and Self-Discloses.)

  MOTHER: You really should give up selling used cars and come into the family business where you belong. Too much pressure isn’t good for you.

  SON: You’re right in saying too much pressure isn’t good, Mom. But I’m enjoying my job and I plan to keep it. (Agrees with the Truth and Self-Discloses.)

  In these sample interchanges, Bobbie, Charlotte, and the son don’t just agree with the general truth, they also self-disclose. They don’t provide long, involved justifications for their behavior, but they do choose to explain it. Imagine, if you will, what might happen to Bobbie’s friendship with Gale if she didn’t self-disclose and frequently had dialogues like this:

  GALE: Put down your work for an hour or two and let’s go swimming. You need exercise to keep healthy.

  BOBBIE: I agree that I need exercise to keep healthy, but no thanks. (Agrees with the Truth.)

  GALE: What do you mean, “No thanks”? Are you busy? Do I have bad breath? What?

  BOBBIE: Just no thanks.

  If the other person is being manipulative, if you really don’t want to explain your reasons, or if your reasons are based upon your physical or emotional state, you may wish to follow Charlotte’s example and agree and self-disclose your feelings. Disclosing feelings is an excellent strategy as it leaves the other person with little to counter, since feelings afford slim ground for argument. Rhonda could say to Charlotte that she shouldn’t feel the way she does, but then Charlotte could counter. “You may be right, but I do.”

  2. Agree with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion. You will often disagree with your critics’ predictions about the consequences of your behavior:

  “If you go out walking tonight, you’ll probably get mugged.”

  “If you keep spending so much on clothes, you’ll wind up in the poorhouse.”

  “You’re gonna get fat, eating so much spaghetti.”

  You can’t be absolutely sure that you won’t be mugged, wind up in the poorhouse, or get fat. Nothing in life is certain, and critics often do turn out to be correct. This was brought home to me dramatically tonight while I was driving to the library to finish this chapter. I had a huge blowout in the fast lane of the San Diego Freeway—just what a friend had said was likely to happen if I bought cheap tires. I had thought the odds were with me, but it turned out that I was wrong.

  Since you can’t be certain that criticism will always prove to be inaccurate even when you disagree with it, you can certainly agree with the critic’s right to an Opinion. Doing so will help you to give some thought to differing points of view, while at the same time helping you maintain your own position. Neither you nor your critic need be branded as “wrong” or “not okay”; you are simply two people who see an issue differently. Consider these examples:

  DIRK: If you buy silver now, you’ll lose your shirt. Silver is due for another big plunge.

  LYNN: Silver could nose-dive, but industrial use is so great that it’s just bound to skyrocket within a year or two. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion.)

  JANE: Maybe you should call of
f the wedding. With the divorce rate the way it is, you’re almost bound to fail.

  MERLE: I respect your opinion, Jane. But I think if I try hard, I can make this marriage work. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)

  LYDIA: With a baby on the way, you should double your life insurance. It might come in handy some day.

  CURTIS: A lot of men have died unexpectedly. Maybe I’ll regret not following your advice, but right now, other priorities are more pressing. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)

  Critics will often present you with value judgments as though they were truths, and your most constructive response, once again, is to agree with the critic’s right to an opinion. For example:

  CAROL: How can you read such a trashy magazine? Why not read Shakespeare, Dumas, or at least Steinbeck, for a change?

  JUDY: I can see why you might think that the National Lampoon is a bit gross, Carol, but I think it’s funny. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)

  BECKY: I think you should quit your job. With your education, you could do a lot better.

  PHYLLIS: Thanks for the compliment. Not too many cocktail waitresses have graduated from college and it’s easy for me to see why you think I could do better. But the truth is, I like the hours—and the money. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)

  DAN: How can you buy a Nissan? Don’t you know that a Toyota is a much better car?

  SANDY: Toyotas certainly have sleek lines and good mileage. But I like the handling of a Nissan better. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)

  When you totally disagree with criticism, you may wish to voice that disagreement. But, then again, you can usually find some way to agree with it while affirming what you believe to be the truth:

  PATIENT: I don’t think you’re really a doctor. You look much too young.

  DOCTOR: Thanks. You’re not the first to say that, and it’s true that I haven’t any gray hair or lines on my face. All I can say is I am a doctor. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)