Conversationally Speaking

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Conversationally Speaking Page 14

by Alan Garner


  A

  Active listening, 37-48

  demonstrates one’s acceptance, 42-45

  examples of, 40-41

  keeping one’s conversation going, 45

  major improvements in relationships, 44

  mistakes in, 46

  situations used in, 41-42

  telling sender what his message means, 40

  to nonverbal messages, 47-48

  when and how to use, 41-42

  All Things Bright and Beautiful

  (Herriot), 69

  America, popular men and women in, 67

  Anxiety reduction

  about one’s self, 164-165

  about others, 168

  becoming tense, 156

  being held back, 156

  catastrophizing, 161-162

  challenging one’s beliefs, 160-164

  challenging one’s overgeneralizations, 169-170

  copping out, 160-162

  demanding, 170-179

  events don’t cause emotional reactions, 156

  failure is the price one pays for success, 166

  labels limit one’s self, 167-168

  overgeneralizing, 164-170

  in social situations, 153-179

  Appearance, 22

  Approval, striving for, 21-22

  Aristotle, 73

  Assertions direct, 129-131

  repeated, 131-135

  Attention and eye contact, 148

  B

  Babysitting, 116-117

  Badal, Robert, 147

  Beck, Aaron, 159-160

  Behaviors, 22

  changing, 19

  describing problem, 124-126

  rewarding, 19-20

  Beliefs about events, 158

  causing emotional reactions, 159

  challenging demanding, 176-179

  challenging one’s, 160-164

  Berne, Eric, 174

  Blemish defined, 174

  Body language, 145

  Broken record defined, 113

  C

  Carnegie, Dale, 78

  Catastrophizing, 161-162

  Change, requesting, 121-135

  arriving at a resolution, 134-135

  describing one’s feelings, 127-128

  describing the problem behavior, 124-126

  direct assertion, 129-131

  identifying who owns the problem, 123-124

  pause, 128-129

  repeated assertions, 131-134

  stating consequences, 127

  summary formula, 128-129

  Charity, soliciting for, 114-116

  Children, teaching them to resist drug use, 119-120

  Closed positions, 144

  Closed-ended questions, 4-5, 7

  Closeness, emotional, 144

  Cognitive dissonance, 151

  Communication

  interpersonal, 37

  nonverbal, 142

  skills

  acquiring, 198

  using, 192-194, 198

  Compliments accepting direct, 24

  indirect, 32-33

  Coney Island, 157

  Consequences, stating, 127

  Constructive praise, 25

  Control, question-asking increases one’s, 7-9

  Conversationalists, becoming good, 197

  Conversations and active listening, 45

  asking questions that promote, 1-14

  starting, 71-78

  interest or involve other person, 75

  members of the opposite sex, 74

  opening remarks, 78

  talking about one’s self, 78

  talking about the other person, 77-78

  talking about the situation, 75-77

  Copping out, 160-161

  Craving to be appreciated, 20

  Criticism

  bringing one’s skills together, 108-110

  dialogue one, 108-109

  dialogue two, 108-110

  constructive alternative, 94-108

  agreeing with the criticism, 99-108

  asking for details, 94-98

  defenses

  avoiding it, 89

  denying, 90-91

  excusing one’s behavior, 91-93

  striking back, 93-94

  destructive, 25

  handling it constructively, 87-110

  Critics, 105-108

  D

  Demanding, 170-179

  challenging beliefs, 175-179

  obedience, 175-179

  obedience to self-defeating rules, 170-174

  others obey one’s rules, 175-176

  perfection, 176-179

  perfection of others, 174

  that others follow one’s rules, 178

  Destructive criticism, 25

  Diet, breaking one’s, 117-118

  Dissonance, cognitive, 151

  Drugs, teaching children to resist, 119-120

  E

  Efforts, organizing one’s, 181-194

  adding additional steps, 186-187

  building an assertive hierarchy, 186

  real-life applications of goal setting, 190-192

  rehearsing covertly, 187-188

  rewarding oneself, 188-190

  setting concrete goals, 184-186

  using one’s communication skills, 192-194

  Ellis, Albert, 159-160, 172

  Emotional closeness, 144

  Emotional reactions and causing beliefs, 159

  conveying, 62

  and events, 156

  Emotions, and facial expressions, 141

  Epictetus, 159

  Events beliefs about, 158

  and emotional reactions, 156

  Eye contact, making, 147-148

  and interacting in social situations, 147

  powerful sign of respect and attention, 148

  Eyes, pupils of, 148

  F

  Facial expressions and emotions, 141

  Failure, price one pays for success, 166

  Feelings describing one’s, 127-129

  ignoring or downplaying, 46-47

  Free information, taking advantage of, 49-53

  G

  Gestalt therapy, 39

  Goals, setting concrete, 184-186

  characteristics it depends solely on one’s action, 185

  it is measurable, 185

  it is positive, 184-185

  it is specific, 184

  it is verifiable, 184

  Goldschmidt, Peter, 86

  Gunther, Bernard, 139-141

  H

  Harris, Thomas, 100

  Hayakawa, S.I., 145

  Herriot, James, 69 Hindenburg, 163

  I

  IFD Disease, 184

  I’m okay - you’re okay position, 100

  Indirect compliments, 32-33

  Indirect positives, 31

  Information, taking advantage of free, 49-53

  Interpersonal communication, 37

  Invitations being direct, 83

  if one gets a no, 85-86

  likely to be accepted, 79-86

  sounding casual, 84-85

  starting small, 84

  using dual perspectives, 82-83

  J

  James, William, 20

  Johnson, Wendell, 184

  K

  Kennedy, John E, 32

  L

  Labels harmful, 168

  limit one’s self, 167-168

  Lange, Art, 78

  Language, body, 145

  LaRusso, Dominic, 164

  Let’s Talk (Sathre, Olson, and Whitney), 38

  Listening

  active, 37-48

  demonstrating one’s, 42-45

  keeping one’s conversation going, 45

  major improvements in relationships, 44

  mistakes in, 46

  situations used in, 41-42

  telling the sender what his message means, 40

  to nonverbal messages, 47-48

  so others will talk, 35-49

  w
hen and how to use active, 41-42

  Lists, making, 13

  M

  Making Contact (Wassmer), 150

  Manipulation, resisting attempts at, 111-120

  babysitting, 116-118

  breaking one’s diet, 117-118

  dialogue one, 114-116

  dialogue three, 117-118

  dialogue two, 116-117

  soliciting for charity, 114-116

  teaching children to resist drugs, 119-120

  Meaning, conveying by motion, 137-151

  Messages

  nonverbal, 28, 47-48

  verbal, 28

  Miller, Henry, 78

  Mirror image, assuming a, 146

  Monnet, Jean, 110

  Motion, conveying meaning by, 137-151

  facing others directly, 145

  making eye contact, 147-148

  nodding, 148-149

  personal space, 142-144

  posture, 144-146

  smiling, 149-150

  to express liking SOFTEN, 150-151

  touch, 146-147

  Musturbation, 172

  N

  Negative openers, 74

  Negatives, turning into direct positives, 25-29

  Nodding, 148-149

  Nonverbal communication, 142

  Nonverbal messages, 28, 47-48

  Nonverbal signals, 141

  Nonverbal skills, 193

  O

  Obedience demanding, 176-179

  to self-defeating rules, 170-172

  Open positions, 145

  Open-ended questions, 5-7, 14

  Openers, negative, 74

  Opening remarks, 78

  Opinion, agreeing with critic’s right to an, 105-108

  Overgeneralizations about others, 168

  challenging one’s, 169-170

  P

  Parroting, 46

  Pease, Allan, 78

  People desire for space varies with mood, 143

  interesting them in self-disclosure, 64-65

  letting them know who one is, 55-70

  one admires in America, 67

  paraphrasing remarks, 48-49

  People in Quandaries (Johnson), 184

  Perfection, 173

  demanding, 176-179

  of others, 174

  Perls, Fritz, 39

  Personal space, 142-144

  Persons conveying one’s interest in other, 78

  talking about other, 76-78

  Phi Beta Kappa, 21

  Piaget, Jean, 176

  Positions closed, 144

  open, 145

  Positives delivering honest, 15-34

  effectively receiving positives, 34

  helping others accept direct positives, 23-25

  how to effectively deliver direct positives, 22-23

  making direct positives believable, 29-31

  miscellaneous positives one can use, 31-33

  negative strategy, 21-22

  producing an open and supportive climate, 21

  reinforced responses recur, 18-22

  turning negatives into direct positives, 25-29

  direct, 22-23

  indirect, 31

  relayed, 31

  third person, 31

  Possessions, 22

  Posture, 144-146

  closed positions, 144

  open positions, 145

  Praise, constructive, 25

  Problem behavior, 124-126

  identifying who owns the, 123-124

  Process of unveiling, 58-63

  Profiles in Courage (TV series), 32

  Pupils of eyes, 148

  Q

  Questions

  asking

  if one wants to hear other person, 8-9

  increases one’s control, 7-9

  leading questions, 11-12

  closed-ended, 4-5, 7

  common mistakes in asking, 9-14

  ask leading questions, 11-12

  beginning with difficult questions, 11

  disagreeing before asking questions, 12

  not remembering what to mention, 12-14

  questions that are open-ended, 9-11

  memorizing stock, 13-14

  open-ended, 5-7, 14

  strive to maintain dual perspective, 9

  that promote conversation, 1-14

  R

  Reaction, emotional, 62

  Relationships, major improvements in, 44

  Relayed positives, 31

  Remarks getting others to paraphrase one’s, 48-49

  opening, 68

  Remembering techniques, 12-14

  Repeated assertions, 131-134

  Resolution, arriving at a, 134-135

  Respect and eye contact, 148

  RET (Rational-Emotive Therapy), 159-160

  Rogers, Will, 62

  R’s, three (reinforced responses recur), 18

  Rules

  obedience to self-defeating, 170-174

  others obeying one’s, 175-176, 178

  S

  Sandburg, Carl, 165

  Saudek, Robert, 32

  Self-disclosure, 55-70

  being specific, 67-68

  clichés, 60

  common problems with, 65-70

  fear of boring other people, 69-71

  holding back, 69-71

  not being believed, 67-78

  not owning one’s statements, 68-69

  projecting a false image, 65-67

  content of disclosures deepens, 59

  facts, 60-61

  feelings, 62-63

  interesting others in, 64-65

  is symmetrical, 58

  modeling responses wanted, 59

  opinions, 61-62

  process of unveiling, 58-63

  revealing some negatives, 68

  Sense Relaxation (Gunther), 139-141

  Shakespeare, William, 141, 159

  Signals nonverbal, 141

  silent, 145

  Situations, talking about, 75-77

  Skills nonverbal, 193

  verbal, 193-194

  Smiling, 149-150

  Social situations and interacting in, 147

  reducing anxiety in, 153-179

  SOFTEN

  behaviors, 28, 57, 151, 193

  to express liking, 150-151

  Space effective use of, 144

  personal, 142-144

  Statements, not owning one’s, 68-69

  Strangers, talking about themselves, 78

  Streisand, Barbra, 38

  Subject Was Roses, The, 155-156

  Success, failure is price one pays for, 166

  Symmetrical defined, 58

  T

  Talk, listening so others will, 35-49

  Talking about situations, 75-77

  Techniques, remembering, 12-14

  Therapy, Gestalt, 39

  Third-person positives, 31

  Three R’s (reinforced responses recur), 18

  Touch, 146-148

  handshakes, 146

  hugging, 146-148

  Truth, agreeing with the, 99-105

  U

  Unveiling, process of, 58-63

  V

  Verbal messages, 28

  Verbal skills, 193-194

  W

  Wanderer, Zev, 113

  Wassmer, Arthur, 150

  Weekly Reader, 119

 

 

 


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