Jolene and John both laugh and there’s more tears in Jolene’s eyes. But this time they are of joy. “Yes, really. I’ve done three tests to be sure. I think you have some kind of super sperm.”
John grins even harder and pulls Jolene into his arms. “Let’s go to our room to celebrate,” he says, just before he lifts her and starts to walk toward the door with her in his arms.
“I can walk, you know,” Jolene protests.
“Are you crazy? You’re carrying my child in your belly; from now on I will carry you everywhere.”
Jolene rolls her eyes but laughs at his concern. Before they exit, John turns around and he and Jolene are looking at us. You can see them both glowing with joy. Jolene is now grinning from ear to ear, and I’m sure they will quickly resolve the disagreement over the wedding date.
“Thanks for your listening ear.”
“My pleasure, you know how to find me if it’s ever needed again.” I turn to John. “Congratulations! You will be great parents.”
“Thank you, but if you’ll excuse us now. I want my pregnant fiancée all to myself.”
“Go ahead. We won’t stop you.” I laugh.
Max addresses his sister. “Congratulations, sister. Mom and Dad would have been very proud of you.” Then he turns to John, not only his future brother-in-law but also one of his best friends. “Congratulations, buddy. I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.” He laughs.
We watch John and Jolene leave the café together. John had not lied when he said he was going to carry Jolene all the way. Max grabs my hand, and we too leave the café. When we are outside on the pavement, he pulls me against him and kisses me fervently. When he finally breaks the kiss, I am standing there looking at him panting. “What was that for?” I ask.
“Because you took care of my sister when she needed someone. Thank you for being there for her.”
I wave his remark away. “Of course, I was there for her. Women should support each other if our alpha men drive us insane.”
His gaze darkens, and I know what that means. Max is about to transform himself into an alpha male and drag me over his shoulder to our room. But when he comes closer to me, he says the words I was already afraid of. “I can’t wait to see you become a fantastic mother for our children.” Max strokes his nose through my hair to my ear before he whispers, “Are you coming with me to our room?”
My heart beats like a raging bull in my throat. I try to swallow the lump that is stuck there, but it doesn’t work. I swallow again, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of it. Max looks at me as if I suddenly have two heads.
“Are you okay?” he asks worriedly.
“Yes,” I say, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible. “I remembered that my papers are still in the common area. You go to the room, I’ll pick up everything and then I’ll come, too.”
His gaze assesses me, he notices that something is going on and it feels like he can see right through me. He frowns, but then probably realizes that I want to be alone for a while.
“Are you sure everything is okay? I’d love to walk with you.”
“No, that’s not necessary. Go on, I’ll come right away.”
He hesitates to leave then turns around, but I grab his T-shirt in my fist and pull him back. I push my lips on his mouth. Not just any kiss; it becomes a hard, fiery kiss. Lips, teeth, tongues... everything is together, connected. I bring my other hand to his hair to pull him even closer to me. When I finally break the kiss, we are both panting.
“What was that for?”
“I just felt like kissing you. I’ll see you soon?”
He squeezes my ass for a moment and then growls in my ear, “Don’t stay away for too long.” After which he turns around and walks toward the hotel.
I HURRIEDLY COLLECT all the papers from the table. I don’t even look at the order, as long as I have everything. I stuff everything into my bag, pull it over my shoulder and run outside. In my haste I run into Tim, and he’s just able to prevent me from falling.
“Wow, what are you in such a hurry for?” He laughs.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you. I... Um, I have to go somewhere.”
He looks at me questionably, but I don’t give him time to ask more questions. I have to get out of here, and as fast as possible. I knew this was a bad idea. It took longer than I expected before my past would come to the surface. Actually, it is not only my past but also Max’s. Only he still knows nothing about it. All this time I was here, I had intended to tell him, but I just didn’t find the right time to do so.
When I’m outside the concert hall, I take my cell phone out of my bag and turn it back on. I ignore the text from my mom and the missed calls, and call the one person who’s always there for me.
“Hi,” she says.
“Ines, can you come and get me?”
She doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll be right there.”
19
Max
I realized that I did something to upset Valérie because I felt her stiffening in my arms. I saw it in her eyes and yet I still let her go. How stupid could I be? I should have addressed it immediately; I should have asked her what was going on.
I waited for a little over an hour in the room, but then it became painfully clear that she would not be coming. But where is she?
First, I go check her hotel room; all her stuff is still there, but there is no trace of Valérie herself. Then I go to the common area, hoping to find her there. But as soon as I open the door, I know she’s not here, either. All her papers that where here just a moment ago, are gone, and she is nowhere to be found. Fuck!
Tim comes up behind me into the common room and looks at me questioningly. “What’s going on?”
“Have you seen Valérie?”
“More than an hour ago she ran into me when she came out of here. She waited out front for a while, and then got into a car. Why?”
All the alarm bells in my head go off. “Did you see what kind of car it was?”
“Yes, it was a red convertible Beetle.”
Even before Tim has finished that sentence, I am already calling Valérie. The phone rings for a long time, and eventually, I end up on her voicemail. Since she doesn’t want to answer, I am going to leave her a message. “Valérie, if you hear this, call me. I have no idea what is going on, but whatever it is, call me.”
In the hour that follows, I try to call her at least twenty times, but not a single call is answered. Also, there’s no reply to the texts.
I do the only thing I can think of and call Hard Beats. The receptionist there tells me that Fanny is not there and that she’s not allowed to pass on private data of their employees. I know she’s only doing her job, but right now I feel like pulling her through the phone and shaking her until she gives me the information I need to be able to find Valerie. When I finish the conversation, I put the cell phone back in my pocket and kick frustratedly against the kitchen cupboard. Steve comes in and looks at me somberly.
“Problems in paradise?”
I turn my angry gaze at him, and he immediately puts his hands up in the air defensively. “It was just a joke, but looking at your face, I can see I’m not far from the truth.”
“Ines came to pick up Valérie. She just left without talking to me. I have no idea what is going on, and I am terrified.”
Steve looks at me grinning, pulls out his cell phone, presses a few buttons and then brings it to his ear.
“Hey, Ines there’s someone here who wants to talk to you.”
He gives me the phone, and I feel like I could cry with relief.
“Ines, is Valérie there with you?”
The phone rustles on the other side. For a moment I think the connection is broken, but then she speaks. “Max, I can’t talk now. But Valérie is here with me. She’s really upset.”
“Send me a text message with your address, and I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
She must hear the urgency in my voice, because without hesitation sh
e says, “Okay.”
Luckily I don’t have to wait too long for the address. I turn around ready to step outside when I bump into Tim. In all the commotion I had forgotten that he and Steve were still here. They look at me as if I’m crazy.
“Are you finally going to tell us what is going on?”
“I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but Valérie is upset. Ines came to pick her up, and she is now at home in their apartment. I’m driving over there.”
I want to run aground, but Tim blocks the way. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? She has fled there; maybe she just wants some time for herself.”
“You don’t understand, Tim. For Valérie I would do anything. I’ve lost her before, and I won’t let that happen again.”
When he raises his eyebrow and mumbles something that looks suspiciously like “all that trouble for a woman,” I have to remind myself that he is a band member and one of my friends. Otherwise, I would punch him.
“You don’t understand, Tim. Everything Valérie does to me feels magical. There are no words to describe what she is to me. She makes me feel whole again. I realize we still have a long way to go, but I know that she is the one. The one that will change my whole life. I love her.”
His eyes grow wide. I am also frightened by my confession. He grins at me. “She has you by the balls; you realize that, right?”
I rub my hair but then laugh. “I’m afraid you’re right. I have to go to her now.”
I want to walk away, but this time Steve stops me. “Give me your keys; I’ll drive.”
“I’m perfectly able to drive myself.”
“It’s very simple, Max. You are not able to drive now because you are too distracted. So you give me the keys and I drive, or I won’t let you leave here. The choice is yours.”
I hesitate for a moment but still hand over the keys.
“As long as you drive fast. The sooner I have her in my arms, the better.”
I DON’T THINK THE CAR has come to a complete stop when I open the door and jump out. Ines is waiting for me on the doorstep. I had sent her a text message a few minutes ago to tell her we were almost here.
“Where is she?”
“She’s still upstairs. I didn’t tell her you were on your way here. Max, she’s really upset. She’s afraid of your reaction, so whatever you do, promise me you’ll let her talk and try to look at it from her side.”
The way Ines says this to me, makes all the hairs on my arm stand up straight. I look at her and try to gauge her expression. She looks lost. I’m sure I won’t like what Valérie has to tell me, but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love her.
“I love her, Ines. There is nothing she can say that would make me leave her. So whatever she has to say, I’ll take her with me tonight. Because that’s where she belongs, with me.”
Ines looks at me, I can see something sparkle in her eyes. “Go fight for your girl.”
That’s exactly what I’m about to do.
Ines tells me that their apartment is on the third floor, the door on the right. When I get there, I see that she has left the door ajar and I immediately step inside. I hear the TV in the living room and walk toward it. Valérie is sitting on a couch with a pink fleece blanket draped around her. She doesn’t look up and thinks it’s Ines who came in.
“Hey, Ines, could you bring me a glass of water?”
Since there is no answer, she looks back and sees me standing there. She looks tired, her face is pale, and her eyes are bloodshot from crying. She immediately stands up and throws the blanket on the floor.
“Max,” she whispers. “W-W-What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to get you back.” Her eyes widen. I cross my arms in front of my chest and make it clear to her with my posture that I have no intention of leaving without her. “What is going on, Valérie?”
“I... I can’t be with you anymore.”
Her words cut through my soul, and it takes all my effort not to let that become apparent. But I know that there is more going on than what she tells me. With her fingers, she plays with her T-shirt. She can’t even look me in the eyes while she says it. Time to make clear how this is going to work. “Bullshit!”
She tries to look at me angrily. “Max, I mean it. I can’t be with you anymore. I... I can’t give you what you want.”
I take a step closer to her. “Why don’t you let me decide for myself? I don’t know what you’ve got in your head, Valérie. But you’re all I want.”
Tears well up in her eyes, and I can no longer control myself. I walk the last few steps forward and take her in my arms. I pull her against me, even though she remains stiff. I lift her and walk back to the couch. When I sit down, I put her on my lap and stroke her hair out of her face.
“Please tell me what’s going on, Valérie. I have all kinds of horrible scenarios in my head, and I’m terrified. So whatever it is, I’m sure we can work it out together.”
20
Valérie
Seeing Max standing here is the last thing I expected. Of course, I knew he would follow me; I just didn’t expect him to be here so fast. When he’s so close to me, I can’t think clearly. He wants things I can’t give him.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
“You said you think I would be a fantastic mother, but that’s not the case.”
“Is that why you’re so upset? I didn’t mean that we would start having children right away. We have all the time in the world, and we’ll do so when the time is right for it.”
I try to stand up from his lap, but he grabs me firmly so I can’t go anywhere. I try to pull myself loose, but he has no intention of letting me go. “Let me go, Max!”
“No, not before you tell me what’s going on.”
“I can’t have children,” I roar. His arm, which just stopped me, lets me go. I jump up from his lap and run to my room, closing the door with a slam before I throw myself on the bed. This is exactly the reason why I didn’t say anything about it before. He wants children, and I can’t give them to him. I’ve had time to get used to the idea for years now. Not that it gets any easier, but it is just different. You make peace with it. Of course, I dreamed of becoming a mother, but I can’t.
I lift my head when there’s a gentle knock on the door. “Valérie, can I come in?”
I sit up straight, with my back against the headboard. I take the pillow on my lap and pull it against me. “Yes.”
The door swings open and in a few steps, Max is beside me and sits on the bed next to me. When I look up at him, I can no longer stop the tears and start to sob uncontrollably. He lifts me and puts me back on his lap. For a long time, we sit together on the bed. Neither of us says a word. I cry, and he rubs his hand gently over my back.
When I finally calm down a bit, I look up at him. His T-shirt is wet with my tears, and he looks at me with worry. His voice is soft when he speaks to me. “Why haven’t you told me anything about this?”
I shrug my shoulders. “It’s not something you tell on the first date, and after that everything went so fast that I didn’t think about it anymore.”
He kisses me gently on my mouth and then pushes his forehead against mine. Our noses touch each other. “Whatever the problem, Valérie, together we can get through this. We will find a way. The medical community can already do so much, and if it does not happen, we can always adopt. You are it for me, Valérie. You’re the one. I love you. And whether or not you can have children, that doesn’t change anything.”
He has no idea what is going on. I kept it hidden from him for a long time, but I have to tell him this.
“I haven’t told you everything, Max. There is a reason why I can’t have children anymore.”
“I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere, Valérie. You know you can trust me.”
I take a deep breath and then look at him. He looks at me sincerely. I hope this news will not change that.
“When you left with Full Moon, I was so lonely
, Max. You were more than my boyfriend; you were my everything. My whole world collapsed when you left. I’d given you a very special piece of myself.”
He pushes a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but it was difficult for me, too. But despite that, I had no other choice. Full Moon was also a big part of my life, and I couldn’t just let that pass by. Did it hurt to leave you behind? Fuck yes, but I am also happy with what I have achieved with the band. And life always finds a way to bring the good things back together. I think that’s exactly why you were at that press conference.”
I smile. Even now he manages to make me laugh. I bite on my lip, afraid to tell him the rest. With his thumb, he pushes on my chin until my lip is released again. He gives me an encouraging nod to continue.
“A few weeks after you left, I got a severe stomach-ache. I can’t describe in words how much pain I had. It hurt so much. During a journalism class, I collapsed. I don’t remember much of that moment. One moment I was in the lecture hall and the next I woke up in the hospital with a crying Ines next to my bed. The doctor came to see me and told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy. My right ovary had burst and the second ovary was severely damaged because of it, so they couldn’t save it. Not only did I lose our child, but I can never have children again.”
I look down to hide from Max’s reaction, but to my surprise, Max doesn’t get angry. He pulls me closer to him and strokes my hair, kisses my forehead, and tries to soothe me.
“I’m so sorry, Max. I’ve thought so often about calling you and telling you everything, but I couldn’t do it.”
“I’m sorry, too, Valérie. You should never have gone through such a difficult situation alone. I wish I was there for you.”
I look at him surprised. “Aren’t you angry?”
He gently caresses my cheek and makes me look into his eyes. “No, I’m not angry. I think it’s sad that you had to endure something like that alone; I wanted to be there for you when you needed me. But there’s one thing I know for sure, and that is that I never want to lose you again. But you have to promise me something, Valérie.”
Say You Crave Me (Full Moon, #4) Page 14