by Kay Stockham
SHELBY LEANED her full weight against the door the moment she heard Luke start his car. That had to be the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. But he’d survive—better off for not having her to deal with.
“I never realized what it must have been like for you.”
Shelby froze at the sound of her mother’s voice. Luke’s vehicle raced away with a roar of the engine and she felt dizzy from not being able to breathe. Why wouldn’t they all leave her alone?
“No matter how quiet we tried to be, you heard, didn’t you? How many times did you sit in your room listening to me and Jerry fight?”
Too, too many times.
“I know what happened between you and Luke. I heard it and I still can’t believe it. But you…you were a child.” Her mother lifted her hand and wiped her nose. “You heard us, but you didn’t understand because you didn’t know the truth. Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”
“I survived.” Her hand hurt where it grasped the knob but she couldn’t let go. She’d fall if she did. “If you taught me nothing else, it was how to survive.”
“Is that why you’re doing this? Is that why you’re shoving a good man away?”
Luke was better off without her. “It’s for the best.”
“The best thing to do would be to call him up and ask him to come back. Shelby, don’t do what I did, don’t lose someone you care about because you’re focusing on things that aren’t important.”
Aren’t important? Shelby released the knob and walked across the floor, pausing by the entry. “Why did you stay quiet?” She shifted her gaze to her mother. “Tonight when you saw me, why did you help me leave the hospital without making a fuss?”
Pat wiped her eyes, frowning at the sight of the black streak on her fingers. “Because I’ve felt that emptiness inside,” she whispered. “I guess I figured you’d had enough drama for the night. It’s also about time I try to make you proud of me instead of embarrassed.”
Shelby’s heart constricted. She retraced her steps and stood in front of her mom, letting her mother pull her into a hug. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, baby.”
She inhaled the scent of her mother’s perfume, tired and achy and hurting in places that time couldn’t fix. “Remember when it would storm really badly and you would climb into bed and sleep with me?”
Her mother’s arms tightened. Without a word, Shelby found herself ushered into the bedroom, into bed. But after turning off the light, her mother climbed in beside her.
“I love you, Mom.”
“Oh, baby.” Pat stroked Shelby’s hair. “I love you, too.”
“YOU LEFT? Are you serious?”
His little sister’s anger traveled the miles separating them. Still at the bed-and-breakfast, Alex’s cell hadn’t worked, but Jenn had gotten a text message through. “Shelby wants a divorce.”
“She’s reeling from a miscarriage. Hello? She wouldn’t be Shelby if she collapsed into your arms and begged you never to leave, now would she?”
“She told me to go back to California.”
“And what did you say?”
“Nothing. I left. I didn’t even tell her I quit my job.”
Silence. “You quit? Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“Because you love Shelby? Wanted to be with her?”
“Yeah.”
“Then go to her. I know it sounds messed up and juvenile and maybe it is, but everybody has their hang-ups, including Shelby. This is one of hers, okay? I can’t spell it out more clearly to you. You have to prove to her she can count on you.”
“I’ve told her that.”
“And then you walked out. You can’t tell someone they can trust you, you have to show them. By leaving, you did what Jerry did every time he and Pat had a fight.”
He closed his eyes. “Dammit.”
“Oh, Luke. You just wiped out any progress you made with Shelby by not sticking around and fighting to prove you’re not like her parents.”
Dammit!
Alexandra released a soul-deep sigh. “Think about it. Shelby’s Shelby. Do you think, really think, if she didn’t want you there, she’d have ever agreed to marry you? She might not have had much experience with kids but, come on, she kicks butt at everything she does. She always has because she’s such a perfectionist. It’s all or nothing with her, but she could’ve hired a lawyer and fought to raise the baby on her own.”
Luke pulled to the side of the road and stopped, shoving the rented vehicle into Park and letting the motor idle. “Alex, she only slept with me that first time because she’d received bad news.”
“I know. But I’ll tell you what I told her that day. She chose you. Do you really think that doesn’t mean something? In the time you’ve been together, haven’t you connected at all? I got the impression you had from the way Shelby talked.”
He thought of them sexually first, her need to control their lovemaking, her favorite position of power. But then he thought of the way Shelby had come to California to see him. The way she’d curled her arms around him and let him make love to her for a change.
Her protective walls had started to come down, meaning she was starting to trust him. Love him?
And was running scared, afraid to believe that without the baby he could love her anyway.
Because he’d proved her right by leaving.
Luke hit the steering wheel with his palm. Why did women have to make things so complicated? Why not say what they meant? “What do I do?”
How embarrassing was it to have to ask his younger sister for advice? But if anyone had any gems of hope, Alex was it.
“Well…things happened kind of fast, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So since the baby is gone…” Her voice cracked saying the words. “Maybe you should start over?”
Start over? He stared out the windshield. He had already started over by quitting his job. But how could he go about convincing Shelby he wanted more than a part-time marriage?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“GLARING AT LUKE hasn’t made him go away yet. Come eat some of this soup your mother made.”
A week after the accident, Shelby turned her back to the window and tried to get the sight of Luke sitting on the porch of the mill house, looking tired and sad and lonely, out of her mind and off her conscience. She had nothing to feel guilty about.
Except for making it clear he isn’t welcome to eat lunch with you.
Sighing, Shelby made her way to the fridge. “I’m not hungry, Dad.”
“You’re losing weight and looking scrawny. And if you don’t take something for those hives, you’re going to turn into a great big one.”
“I’m fine.”
“She keeps saying that like we’re going to believe her.”
Alex simply raised an eyebrow when Shelby turned her glare on her so-called friend. “Shouldn’t you be packing up to go somewhere?”
“Be nice. I worried myself sick about you while I was in Canada. Now I’m home for one whole day and I’m spending it with you.”
Lucky me. Is the rest of Luke’s family going to show up, too?
“Think I’ll go get the rest of the supplies we talked about if Luke’s here to help unload them. Might as well put that boy to work if he’s going to be hanging around all the time,” Jerry said.
“I don’t want him hanging around. I want him gone.” Shelby’s head throbbed. “It’s been a week and every time I turn around, he’s here. He mowed my lawn, used the Weed-whacker on everything—including my late-blooming daisies—took the car you loaned me and had Nick check it out and gave Biggun a bath.”
Alex wrinkled her nose. “Biggun?”
Shelby waved toward the back door. “A stray pup showed up. His paws are almost as big as my fist but he’s keeping the deer out of my garden. The point is,” she continued, “I went back to work three days afterward. Why doesn’t he make up with his boss and go back to California? He’ll never be happy here.�
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Jerry frowned and turned to Alexandra. “Didn’t you say Luke quit his job to stay here with Shelby?”
Alex nodded, hurt apparent on her features. “Why wouldn’t Luke be happy here? It’s home.”
Arms across her chest, Shelby clenched her teeth so tight pain shot up the side of her jaw. “Is that why you never stay around for more than a weekend?”
“Now, don’t be a witch. I’m home between assignments. And maybe Luke would be happy if you’d talk to him.”
“He left.”
“But he came back.”
That he had. But why? “Which one of you gave him your key?” she asked, knowing they were arguing in circles.
“I did,” Alex confessed. “He’s your husband and you wouldn’t give him one.” She fiddled with the strap of her purse. “You’re being unfair, Shel. You’re angry about losing the baby and no one blames you for that. But you shouldn’t be taking it out on Luke.”
Shelby was. She knew she was but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t handle Luke’s sudden return on top of everything else. “I’ve asked for a divorce. Why sleep on the couch when he can stay at Nick’s old apartment above the gym?”
“Why stay there and drive out here every day to putter around?” her father countered gruffly. “Gas is expensive. Besides, he’s building that wine rack you wanted. You should be thanking him.”
Her wine rack? “But…I didn’t have enough in my budget for that.”
Jerry set his coffee cup down on the table. “Luke saw it on the plans and asked where it was. I told him and then he went and bought the materials. He said that wall wouldn’t look as good without it.”
“You let him do that? Why didn’t he take that money and file the divorce papers?”
“I guess because the boy doesn’t want one.” Her father pointed a finger at her as he stood. “Maybe you should pay attention to that. I’m heading back out. Too much tension in here.”
“Tell him I’ll repay him. And ask him to leave!”
“You want to talk to him, you do it yourself. But if I were you,” Jerry continued, pulling his hat on his head, “I wouldn’t be too hard on the boy. It was his baby, too, Shelby Lynn.”
Guilt stirred. Luke had been much more excited at the pregnancy. Was he handling the miscarriage okay?
“Besides, I happen to relate to his side of things.”
“Dad.”
“It’s true. Women might carry the babies, but how helpless do you think a man feels when something’s happening and he can’t do anything about it? Then you try to kick him out and divorce him. You’re takin’ after your mother there.”
Just what she wanted to hear. Shelby moaned and turned toward the cabinets, pulling out her pots and mixing bowls.
“And there you go again.” Her father cursed. “At least Luke is being productive in his grief instead of moping around starving himself to death. For all those muffins you bake, you sure ain’t eatin’ them.”
“I’m fine.”
“And I’m the president. Alex, see if you can talk some sense into her.”
After her dad walked out, Shelby stalked to the table to grab up his soup bowl, carrying it to the sink.
“He’s right, you know.”
“Don’t you start, too.”
“How can I not be concerned? Shel, the doctor told you to take at least a week off to recover from your injuries, but did you? No, you went to work days after even though you were so sore you could barely walk. And look at you. Your clothes are hanging on you. You’re trying to work yourself senseless to keep from thinking about the baby and Luke and everything that happened.”
Shelby flipped the handle of the faucet and grabbed the dish detergent, squirting enough for five sink loads. “What good is dwelling on it? Especially when it’s probably the best thing that could’ve happened for everyone concerned?”
Alex scooted back her chair with a screech. “I hope to God you don’t mean that. I hope it’s your upset talking because if not, you don’t deserve to be married to Luke.”
She didn’t turn to look at Alex, couldn’t after her shameful remark. “Stop saying his name like he’s a saint. Luke has his own problems.”
Alex shoved the chair in with a bang. “Yes, he does—with his wife, not that you’re acting like one.”
Her whole body ached. “This is exactly why I refused Luke in the first place, why I didn’t want to get married. Alex, what do you want me to do?”
Alex stomped to the door. “I want you to see what you’re doing by being this way. You think you can protect yourself from being hurt, but you can’t. Shel, love hurts. It sucks, it’s messy, it’s painful and—” she yanked her purse strap over her shoulder “—when you care for someone you give them power over you and it’s scary as hell. I get that. But I’ve been watching you and I don’t think you feel anything. Your baby died. Have you cried?”
Shelby flinched. “That’s cruel.”
“Is it? I can’t tell by the stony look on your face. My brother lost his baby, too. Have you comforted him? Given him an ounce of compassion? I never thought I’d say this to you of all people, but you’re being completely selfish.”
The door slammed shut behind Alex, leaving a deafening silence.
FOR THE NEXT couple of weeks Luke worked around the house or the mill house every day, rain or shine. Whether Shelby worked or had the day off, whether she wanted him there or not. Each day he watched her with that sad expression on his face and her heart broke a little more. It was so hard not to respond to him, not to want to comfort him. She could tell he was hurting.
She could also tell that Luke was getting tired of her silence, of the treatment he received from her, and even though she told herself to talk, to speak up, something held her back. No doubt her selfish nature.
She liked listening to Luke, liked the things he said to her.
He always asked how she felt, if she’d eaten. Did she see that her mums were blooming? The leaves were gorgeous this year. The mill house was coming along nicely. She’d be open ahead of schedule.
She looked beautiful.
What woman didn’t want to feel beautiful? She didn’t want to encourage him, but she still shivered every time Luke caught her unaware and brushed the hair from her face, stroked his knuckles down her arm or placed his hand on her back to gain her attention and show her something.
She even made lists of reasons they couldn’t be together. Children. Luke’s joy in thinking he was going to be a father indicated how very much he wanted children, something she might not ever be able to give him. But she also knew his love would never be restricted to a blood child. Luke was like Jerry in that aspect, and he’d love any child, no matter where it came from.
Job. She had to be realistic. Luke’s future in gaming meant being close to the action, and that meant residing in California. To her this was a huge obstacle. But before she’d lost the baby hadn’t she already thought of dividing their time in the two places? Her father was a foreman used to managing people. Maybe he’d run the restaurant for her during the winter months when his construction work ground to a halt?
Luke’s family. She loved them but could she really put up with them butting in whenever they felt? Alex was her friend but her comments hurt. Having to listen to that kind of bluntness would take more patience than Shelby possessed. But she had put up with it since kindergarten and, in truth and until now, she’d liked having that constant in her life.
That’s it? Three things? That’s all you could come up with?
Throwing the last of the trash she’d dragged out of the mill house into the commercial Dumpster, she jumped back when a bumblebee buzzed so close to her face she felt the breeze created by its wings. Her heart thumped hard in her chest and the air left her lungs in a gush, and she laughed at her silly reaction.
But it was a similar reaction to how she felt with Luke. She’d never admit to the belly-clenching, spine-tingling, heart-in-her-throat rush she got whenever he wa
s near. Still it was true, and if weeks of closeness with Luke left her feeling so out of her depth, what would a year be like? Two? She had to stay strong, not let him wear her down. He’d get fed up with her moods and her baggage and stupid issues and walk away for good. It was only a matter of time and she’d best stop thinking he meant what he said, that he’d changed his mind and regretted walking out.
Call her a coward but she’d spent her childhood in limbo twenty-four/seven over just this type of thing. Coming home from school had always been an adventure of whether or not her parents had had a fight and were still together. No way would she live her adulthood worried and afraid of the same thing happening. Maybe Alex was right about some things, but she was definitely wrong about others.
Nothing was worth the fear of loving something you couldn’t control.
LUKE FELT Jerry’s stare and braced himself. “Whatever it is, just say it.”
The man Shelby considered her father took his ball cap off and wiped a red patterned hanky over his head. “Just commiserating, son. I’ve been in your shoes many a time.”
Luke stilled, the wood trim piece forgotten in his hands. How much longer could this go on? “Any advice?”
Four weeks had passed since the accident and miscarriage and even though he’d spent every morning and evening with Shelby, she kept him at arm’s length. She wouldn’t go anywhere with him, wouldn’t attend church or family functions. He’d resorted to using any excuse to touch her, talk to her—and for a guy better with a computer than words, that took a lot of effort.
“None worth taking. I seemed to always do the wrong thing with Pat. I guess if I did offer up something, it would be to remember some people have to lose a good thing before they appreciate it.”