“Your girlfriend is cute,” Lex commented, following my gaze.
I damn near jumped at the insinuation. “What? Celia’s not my—”
“No, I know; Shane’s into her. I mean the one in white. What’s her name? Audra?”
“Audrey,” I corrected. “And she’s not my girlfriend.”
“Ah.” Lex brushed my hair back and strategically laid a few strands against my forehead before declaring, “Okay, Toby, he’s good.”
“He better be,” Toby replied and came back to instruct me into a few other poses while I mulled over my brief exchange with Lex.
This thing with Audrey had begun coincidental, was damn near accidental, but it’d quickly become something close to habitual. We had exchanged numbers. We’d slept together. Hell, she had even spent the night. Everything about that was screaming relationship to me, yet I still wasn’t sure that was what I even wanted. Maybe all I wanted was someone to fuck every now and then, now that Cee was clearly out of the picture. Maybe I just wanted someone to make me feel the way Audrey did when she was around.
Actually, she left me terrified.
Terrified of letting her in. Terrified of letting her go. Terrified of the day she’d finally open her eyes and see me for the person that I am—paranoid, surly, hateful.
Terrified.
“Okay, man. Let’s move it inside,” Toby instructed irritably. “This goddamn wind is pissing me off. I don’t know how you guys can stand how cold it is.”
“Cold?” I laughed, incredulous. “This isn’t cold.”
Toby’s grey eyes met mine, unamused. “I’m from Virginia. Trust me. This is cold.”
Audrey quietly sauntered over. “Cold is the middle of January in Minnesota,” she jumped in, taking a place at my side. “This, right now, is perfect.”
“Whatever you say,” Toby snickered, shaking his head and heading inside.
Lex, Shane, and Celia followed closely behind, taking quick glances in our direction before disappearing into the sanctuary of the shop. Audrey and I were left alone for the first time since she’d arrived, and even as the cars drove by and the pedestrians passed, I felt wrapped and secluded in her energy. My mind settled and my lungs worked easily, breathing in the cool air and granting myself a moment to simply feel alive and good.
Audrey’s head tipped back and her eyes met mine. In this position, I wanted to forget about the photoshoot and just spend the next twenty years of my life kissing her. But I stood there, frozen, just drowning quietly in her gaze.
“Cold,” she snickered, breaking the silence. “This isn’t cold.”
I laughed at her eyeroll and playful demeanor. “Minnesota, huh?”
“Yeah. My whole family went on this big trip to Minneapolis when I was fifteen. They were so excited about the great deals they got, until they realized why they were so great.”
Continuing to chuckle, I shook my head. “I bet that was fun.”
She barely nodded as her eyes dropped to my lips. “Yeah. It was. I mean, it was freezing, don’t get me wrong. But we had fun.”
She wanted to kiss me, and hell, I wanted to kiss her. But my attention was pulled toward the window and I saw Toby pitching his umbrella lights while Lex laid out her supplies. My gut churned with apprehension, thinking about this and what it meant, and where it would take me. It was a good thing, only a good thing, but fuck, the rolling in my stomach was so uncomfortable, I wanted to run and forget about the whole damn thing.
“You okay?” Audrey asked, grasping my attention and tugging my gaze back to hers.
There she was, still wearing a smile even while her tone dripped with concern. She was the embodiment of calm, a soothing beacon to lure me into comfort, and what that meant, I wouldn’t think about right now. I just needed her to be here, to work whatever power she had over me, and she was.
“Yeah.” I nodded slowly. “I am.”
For now.
***
With some equipment and a very small crew of people, Salem Skin had been transformed into a photography studio. Audrey and Celia had found themselves a seat on the waiting room’s couch, while Shane directed Toby and Lex. Gus had perched himself at his daughter’s station. He overlooked the process with a shit-eating grin plastered to his face, and I could only imagine the dollar signs prancing around in that brain of his. I couldn’t even blame him, knowing the coverage the shop would get the moment the magazine hit the stands. Both of our pockets were going to be comfortably lined in cash and the confusing blend of emotions coalescing in my gut had become unbearable by the time we were finished.
“I am fucking starving,” Shane declared with an exhausted sigh.
“Well, if y’all wanna grab something to eat, I’m finished here,” Toby replied, packing his camera away before disassembling the umbrella lights.
“Thank fucking Christ,” Shane muttered, pushing himself away from my counter as he asked me, “You wanna grab some food?”
With a quick glance at the clock, I noted the time. The poetry club was going to open in just an hour, and I knew that getting dinner would mean skipping an integral part of my routine. I’d been going to the club for at least six years, but I was also starving. To say I was conflicted was a big understatement.
So, I peeked through the open door at Audrey and nudged my chin toward her. “Hey, Audrey,” I called, feeling her given name was somehow too impersonal but not knowing why.
She glanced my way, smiled, and instead of simply answering from where she sat, she patted Celia’s knee and got up to walk my way, giving me her full attention. “Yeah?”
“What do you wanna do tonight?”
It was so presumptuous of me to ask her that. The question was one a man in a relationship might ask his girlfriend, and why I thought she’d even want to spend her night with me, I don’t know.
“Well, what are my options?”
I scratched uncomfortably at the back of my neck. “Uh, well, I didn’t know if you were going to the poetry club or not, so if you wanted to head over there, you could—"
“Okay, let me rephrase that. What are you doing tonight?”
Darting my eyes toward Shane, I found him busying himself by helping Toby pack up. Celia was occupied with her phone, Gus had gone into his office, and Lex had already left. Realizing I had a moment of wide-open privacy, I locked onto Audrey’s gaze with my own.
“Shane mentioned grabbing dinner. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to come, or if you had other plans, but if you wanted—”
“Blake,” she stopped me, meeting my eyes with desperate sincerity. “I’m here, okay? I’m here.”
It felt like it should’ve made me feel patronized, the slow, quiet, patient tone of her voice. It wasn’t unlike the tone I used on my brother when he was out of control. But those two little words, “I’m here,” pressed firmly against my heart, hugging and begging for access. I swallowed at the desperate need to doubt and defend, and my brain began to buckle and relent.
“Okay,” I replied simply.
“So, you guys down for dinner?” Shane asked, brushing his hands against the thighs of his jeans.
“Yeah,” I told him.
Shane hit me with two thumbs up before asking, “How about you, Toby?”
His nose wrinkled and he shook his head. “Don’t take it personally. I’m just not into being the third wheel on a double date,” he said, and surprisingly, I didn’t feel the need to correct him.
Chapter Nineteen
LIVING A METICULOUSLY planned life with Jake, meant rarely straying outside of my own routine. Meals were always bought at the grocery store and cooked at home. But now, I was in a restaurant, surrounded by people who weren’t members of my family, and I felt strange and out of place. At nearly thirty-four years old, eating in public shouldn’t have been such a challenge. Yet I found myself fumbling foolishly with the cloth napkin and its enclosed utensils, as Celia and Shane discussed the menu items. For the first time ever, I wondered if Jake maybe was holdin
g me back.
“Having a hard time over there?” Audrey’s voice tore me from the difficult task of laying the napkin across my lap, and when I looked up, I caught the grin she struggling to contain.
“I feel like an asshole,” I admitted, smoothing the fabric over my thighs and glancing around the restaurant to see if anybody had noticed.
“Don’t get out often, huh?”
“Is it that obvious?”
She smiled and shrugged easily. “It’s okay. I know the feeling.”
I wished we were here alone, without Cee and Shane and a room full of tourists and drunkards surrounding us. I wished I could talk candidly about the traitorous thoughts cycloning through my mind, and with her, I felt I could. But not now.
“You drinking?” Shane asked, his chin tipped toward me.
“I dunno, man,” I shrugged. We had walked to Rockafellas from Salem Skin, but I would still have to take the bike home. I didn’t like the idea of leaving it overnight. That was a risk I’d taken last week and I didn’t want to do it again.
“Come on, don’t let me drink alone!” He was boisterous and full of laughter, as he dropped the menu exasperatedly. He bumped his shoulder against Audrey’s. “What about you, Aud?”
“Um …” She lifted her menu and pointed to something. “I was thinking about this, but I don’t know …”
Cee lifted in her chair to see what Audrey was pointing at. “Oh! The candy corn martini is freakin’ incredible. Get that. You’ll love it.”
“Well, if I get a drink, you have to get one, too.” I felt the toe of Audrey’s shoe touch the side of my boot. “Just one?”
“Fine,” I relented, unable to say no to her. How could I? “One.”
But one turned into two, and two became three, and by the time the fourth round of drinks made it to the table, my mind was no longer on my bike. It was on the burger half-eaten in front of me, the breeze flowing in from the open door, and the bustling atmosphere. It was on the warm feeling in my belly, the woman who had put it there, and the cross laying against the split butterfly on her chest.
Her smile never left her lips and her laugh added melody to the restaurant racket. I leaned back in my chair, head cocked and eyes hooded, just watching as she talked to Celia and Shane like she wasn’t the odd ball in her turquoise top and white jeans.
“I love these,” she declared, holding up her fourth candy corn martini. “So much better than a Manhattan.”
Shane clinked his tall glass of lager against the stout glass in her hand. “Yeah! Fuck Manhattan,” he agreed with valor, then furrowed his brow. “Wait, are we talking about the city or the drink?”
“The drink,” I chimed in, reaching out for my gin and tonic.
“Oh,” he replied, raising his glass to his lips. “That’s different, then.”
“What do you have against Manhattan?” Cee asked him.
“Absolutely nothing,” he laughed, shaking his head. “I was just going along with what she was saying to be nice.”
Giggling, Audrey’s eyes met mine as she explained, “Up until a few weeks ago, I had never had anything other than a Manhattan. And then, this guy,” she reached across the table to nudge my hand with hers, “introduced me to the exciting world of alcohol.”
I snorted. “You make it sound like I drink so much.”
“Well, you drink more than I do!”
Shane watched the exchange with amused intrigue. “Wait, how did you two meet, anyway?”
My gaze dropped to the tattoo on her chest and I pointed toward it. “I have that thing to blame entirely for all of this shit,” I grumbled, catching her eye and finding it impossible to fight my grin.
“Wait, what?” Shane peered closer, focusing on the image, and his eyes widened with recognition. “Whoa. Hold up. You’re Butterfly Tattoo Chick?”
The rosy hue on her cheeks deepened as her lips dipped toward her martini. “Guilty.”
Shane threw his hands into the air and tipped onto the back legs of his chair. “Get the fuck out of here. This is the craziest shit ever! Why didn’t you tell me you were her? I could’ve gotten a few shots of the two of you together or something!”
My brow furrowed and Audrey asked between giggles, “Why?”
“Oh, Audrey, Audrey, Audrey …” He draped his arm over the back of her chair and came in close to her ear, tipping his forehead toward her temple. He was crowding her and I saw the column of her throat shift with a swallow. He was one inch away from making her uncomfortable, and my fists were clenched against the table.
“Sweetheart. Do you know you’re the reason why I even found this guy?” he went on. Then, he turned to face Cee. “Huh, come to think of it, I never would’ve met you, either.”
Cee blushed, as Audrey replied, “I didn’t know that.”
“Fuckin’ Fate, man,” Shane muttered, releasing her from his grip and grabbing his pint glass. He raised it up into the air and said, “To Fate, for making shit happen.”
Audrey and Cee raised theirs and repeated in unison, “To Fate.”
The three pairs of eyes turned to me. Staring and waiting for my anti-religious resolve to buckle and break under the weight of peer pressure. But they weren’t getting it from me. Not here, not tonight. But I did raise my glass in silence, letting the lip tap against Audrey’s, and I downed my fourth drink, knowing there would be a fifth, all while two words echoed through my head.
To Fate.
***
“Well, kids,” Shane announced, draping an arm around Cee’s shoulders, “we’re out of here.”
“What are you guys gonna do?” Cee asked, flitting her gaze between Audrey and me.
“Oh, I know what they’re gonna do,” Shane teased, reaching out to jab between my ribs.
I snorted and brushed him off, while wondering if he was right. Would I sleep with her again? Fuck, I hoped so.
“Get home safe, guys,” Audrey said, stepping forward to give Cee a hug.
“Yeah, you too,” Celia replied, wrapping Audrey in a tight embrace. “I hope I see you again, pretty lady.”
It was strange, witnessing Celia’s purple dreadlocks blend against Audrey’s platinum blonde hair. It should’ve been unnatural, just like my attraction to her. But somehow, it wasn’t. Somehow it was as natural as my need for darkness and autumn, and it was driving me crazy that I couldn’t make sense of it. So, I thought maybe it was time I stopped trying to and just accepted it for whatever it was.
Shane and Celia left us alone on the sidewalk in front of Rockafellas. I stuffed my hands into my coat pockets, and Audrey slipped her hand into the crook of my elbow.
“I guess we should get back to the shop,” I declared. “I gotta get my bike.”
“Nuh-uh. No way are you driving.” She shook her head persistently.
“How am I supposed to get it home, then, Audrey? Huh?” I cocked a brow, challenging her with a tone teetering on playful.
“You’ll get it tomorrow,” she told me, tugging me along. “Right now, we’re going for a walk.”
“You and your walks,” I chided.
“What’s wrong with taking a walk?”
“I just know where they lead,” I mused, nodding thoughtfully as we walked past a cluster of people dressed as zombie Teletubbies.
“Mm-hmm,” Audrey hummed, stopping abruptly to slip her arms into my open jacket and around my waist. The city was alive with lights and sounds as her body pressed against mine. Rocking on the balls of her feet and tipping her head back, she asked, “Will you kiss me, Blake?”
It was as if she knew I’d hesitate to show any sign of affection toward her in public. And if she’d been anybody else, I would’ve thought twice, but not with her.
Slowly, I snaked my arms around her waist, holding her to me as I brought my lips to hers. Audrey sighed, followed by a whimper, and I closed my eyes to open my mouth and taste the alcohol on her tongue. Her fingers gripped my shirt, clenching the fabric in a tight grasp as she teetered unsteadily
on high heels and weak knees, and I moved one hand to her hair while the other held her waist tighter.
I was trapped in a euphoric bubble, tangled in her kiss, as the rest of the world disappeared. The storefront we stood against vanished, and the pedestrians and rushing cars were nothing more than fading white noise.
“Blake,” she whispered, muffled by my lips on hers.
“Hm,” I answered with a grunt, planting kiss after kiss to the corner of her lips, her cheek, behind her ear.
“Come back to—”
“BOO!”
Audrey’s grip on my shirt strengthened as her mouth wrenched away from mine with a frightened gasp. Instinct had my arms wrapped around her in a protective hold as I looked up and searched frantically for the fucker who’d dared to burst our bubble, when my eyes landed on a kid of about eleven. He was dressed as Michael Myers and was accompanied by pint-sized versions of Freddy Kreuger and Jason Vorhees. Their costumes were excellent, and I appreciated them for a second before Michael pulled his mask off hastily.
“Sorry,” he hurried, startled by my anger.
I softened my glare and lifted my mouth in a half smile. “It’s cool. But only ‘cause your costumes are awesome.”
“Thanks!” He grinned and pulled the mask back on. “Happy Halloween!”
Audrey loosened her grasp and turned in my arms to appreciate them as they ran away to torment some other unsuspecting fool. She smiled and tipped her head against my chest.
“I love this town,” she said with a wistful sigh.
“Me, too.”
“Halloween is in a few days.”
I nodded. “Yep.”
“What are we doing?” She unraveled my arms from around her and took my hand.
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