by R. S. Elliot
I had no idea how I was going to tell Aiden.
"Mia," my father began gently. "What’s wrong? I can tell something isn’t right. What’s going on?"
I folded up the piece of paper as delicately as I could and slid it back into the envelope. The paper felt unnaturally weighty in my hands.
"I’m just...worried about the transition."
My father made a humming, knowing sound in his throat. "Ah, I see. This is about Aiden, isn’t it?"
"Well…" There was no point in lying to him now, not when it was so glaringly obvious. "Yeah, a little bit. I’m not sure what we’re going to do."
My father sighed heavily, folding his hands in his lap. I could tell he was settling in for one of his serious talks, like the one he had given me when my parents had agreed to get a divorce. Somehow, I felt more unsure, now, at eighteen than I had then at five. At five, whatever my father said was true and right, and I knew that he would protect me and make all the hard decisions for me. At eighteen, I was in charge of making my own decisions, ones that I knew my father couldn't totally protect me from, and that was a sobering thought.
"Mia, you’re eighteen years old. In the eyes of the law and of most people, you’re an adult. I can’t tell you what choices to make with your life. But I do want to remind you that your adult life is just getting started. You’ve got your whole life to date, and I want you to be able to feel like you can date when you’re in college, or not date, and be okay with that."
I nodded, tangling and untangling my fingers. My eyes were fixed on my hands in my lap, not able to make eye contact with him. I was afraid if I did I might cry.
"Long distance is hard," my father went on, smoothing my hair. "Your friends will want to go out, and you’ll be at home, skyping Aiden. You’ll meet all kinds of exciting new people, new guys, but you won’t be able to spend time with them and get to know them better because of your promise to Aiden. And you’ll only be able to see him a few times a year at Christmas and spring break, if that."
"I know," I said hoarsely. I felt a little bit humiliated by this whole conversation, but deep inside I was terrified that my father might be right. I just didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of admitting it out loud.
"I want you to have the full college experience. Aiden has been great to you for a time, but I’m afraid he’s going to prevent that. This is your time, Mia. You’ve been waiting your whole life for this. You deserve to be as happy as you can."
"But I am happy," I said, my voice choked with tears. "I love him, dad."
"I know, baby. But you’re gonna love lots of people. Love isn’t a good enough reason to stick with someone through thick and thin when either of you could be off doing better things, or when it makes living your daily life a lot harder. Sometimes, love just isn’t enough. But think about it, okay? I trust you to make good decisions."
"Okay," I murmured.
He leaned in to kiss my forehead and wiped away the tears gathering in my eyes.
"Don’t be sad, Mia. I’m so incredibly proud of you. We should be celebrating. Do you want to go out to eat? We can go absolutely anywhere you want. My treat."
I smiled at him through my tears. His offer perked up my spirits a little bit. My father often worked from home in the evenings, and we weren’t always able to have our dinners together. Outings together were a special treat.
"Can we go to that big Chinese buffet? The one with the big koi pond out front?"
"Of course. I’ll call and reserve us a table right now. You get dressed, alright?"
"Alright."
I waited until the sound of his footsteps faded down the hallway to open my letter and read it to myself again, and again. Stanford. California.
It was real. And it was coming for me.
Chapter Four
Aiden
Something was definitely up with Mia, but I could not for the life of me put my finger on what it was. Lately, she had gotten, well...weird. A little standoffish even. Whenever I glanced over to her, she seemed entirely lost in her own thoughts, and she didn't smile as often or as wide as she used to. On the phone, she sounded distracted, like she was waiting to hang up and go have another conversation, and her mind often wandered when we were together in person. Even worse, all the heat had gone out of her kisses, and she always pulled away first. When I asked her what was wrong, she just got this glassy-eyed look and shrugged and told me that she was perfectly fine. But I knew her tics. I knew the way she laced her fingers and chewed on her lip when she was worried, and she had been doing that a lot lately. Something was up. I just didn’t know what.
In the end, I decided to go straight to the source, or at least the next best thing. I caught up with Judy by her locker one afternoon between classes when I knew Mia would be making her long walk from her AP Civics class to Biology on the other end of the campus. Judy and I weren’t friends per se, we hadn't even known each other before Mia and I started dating, but we both cared about her, so that gave us common ground.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" I said, leaning against the dented metal of her locker. She was loading her backpack up with folders and glitter gel pens.
"Maybe. What’s on your mind?"
"What’s been going on with Mia lately? She’s been acting super weird, so don’t try to tell me nothing’s up. I know something’s wrong."
I half expected Judy to roll her eyes at me and blow me off. But when she closed her locker and fixed me with her gaze, there was genuine sadness in her blue eyes, huge and magnified by her glasses.
"Oh, man. She didn’t tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"Mia got into Stanford, Aiden. Early action. She probably had no idea how to break the news to you. California and all that."
It felt like I had been punched in the gut, and like I had just been given a million dollars at the same time. Mia got into Stanford? That was amazing, and terrible, all at once. I was overjoyed for her and wanted to run across campus right now and sweep her up into a congratulatory hug before her next class. But there was a heavy stone of dread settling into my stomach all the same. California was a long way away. And Mia might think it was too far for us to stay together when she graduated.
"When?" I managed to ask.
"Just a few days ago. I’m sure she meant to tell you soon! It’s not like it was a secret, but—Oh, I’m sorry Aiden, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything."
"No, I’m glad you did. Thanks, Judy. I have to go."
I pressed off the locker and began to push through the crowded hallway to the door that opened out into one of the crisscrossing courtyards that stretched between the school’s buildings. I jogged to save time, fully aware that the ear-splitting bell would ring in just a few minutes and send students scrambling to their classes. I knew I should have been in my calculus class, settling in and going over my notes before my quiz. But all I could think about was Mia. I had to find her.
I caught sight of her walking across the other end of the courtyard, wearing a blue dress with her dark curls pinned up on top of her head. I caught up with her and touched her arm to get her attention, and when she saw my face her expression shifted from surprise to guilt.
"Oh! Aiden."
"When were you going to tell me about Stanford?" I demanded.
Her shoulders sagged, like the weight of the world had just settled over them.
"Aiden, I don’t want to fight about this."
"We don’t have to fight about it, but we’re going to talk about it, right now."
"I have class soon. I can’t be late."
"Yes, you can. Attendance doesn’t matter anymore. Because you got into Stanford, remember? Or maybe you don’t. Maybe that’s why you forgot to tell me."
Mia made an angry huff through her nose. I knew I was being harsh with her, but I didn’t think that was unfair. Our entire relationship, Mia had never lied to me, and I had never lied to her. Now all of sudden it was okay? I didn’t think so.
"Yo
u didn’t even let me congratulate you," I went on. "When were you planning on telling me?"
"When the time was right."
"We graduate in a month!"
"Come on, Aiden, what was I supposed to do? Tell you that I was getting shipped off to California at the end of the month and that I had no idea what that means for us? Sorry, that didn’t sound very appealing to me."
I curled my hands into fists at my side, swallowing back my anger. I wanted to explode right there in the middle of the courtyard, but Mia didn’t deserve that. She wouldn’t have lied to me unless she felt like she had no other option, that much I knew. But I wasn’t happy about her lying to me either.
"I just don’t think I should have heard about it from Judy."
"I’m sorry," Mia mumbled, holding her stack of books closer to her chest. "I should have told you. I just...I got overwhelmed. It’s a lot to think about. I’m scared."
As her voice got quieter, the tears pooling in her eyes got more visible, and that took some of the anger out of me. I put my hands on her shoulders and rubbed them in soothing circles, glancing around to make sure no one was staring at us. Mia hated people to see her cry.
"Listen," I said, pressing a kiss against her head. "I’m not upset with you I’m just...We need to talk about this. I know you have class now though. Will you meet me after school in the parking lot? We can go over things together."
"Okay," she said, her voice a little scratchy from crying. "I’ll be there."
With that, she slipped away into the crowd, leaving me to a miserable four hours of waiting for the school bell and her explanations.
I made it to the parking lot before her and sat in my car with the heater running on low, my hand propped up against the door and pressed to my chin as I lost myself in my thoughts. I should have seen this coming. Mia had always been incredibly bright, and she was an excellent student who was singularly obsessed with getting into the best college possible. She was a shoo-in for Stanford, and she should have been excited to go. I should have been excited for her.
But this was also a huge blow to our relationship, and both of us knew it. If Mia hadn’t been worried about that, she wouldn’t have kept this a secret from me for so long. Now, I wasn’t sure how we were going to move past this, or if we were going to be able to do it together. I wanted her to go. I wanted her to live the life she deserved, on a beautiful campus surrounded by smart friends who adored her and professors who encouraged her studies, and with access to all the libraries and grant programs she could want. Nobody deserved that more than Mia. But it was hard not to think that she also deserved a boyfriend with a bachelor’s degree or a doctorate, someone who understood what she was talking about when she went on about law statutes or the electoral college instead of just smiling politely. It wouldn’t be long before some Mensa member with family in the government would snatch her up and make her happier than I ever could. I should just accept that and move on.
With all the other girls I dated, breaking up had been a relief. We had gotten bored with each other and started fighting, or we weren’t that serious to begin with. I was used to dating recreationally because it was fun to take girls out and make out in the back of my car and have someone in the stands cheering me on during games. But Mia had changed my world entirely. Now, it revolved around her and her happiness. I would do anything for her, even if that meant stepping back so that someone else could swoop in and give her the life she had worked so hard to attain.
Mia was one of the last students to leave her class, probably because she was hanging behind to ask extra questions of her teachers. It didn't surprise me that they had given her such a good recommendation to Stanford; all of her teachers knew her by name and loved her for how attentive she was in class. In a school where most students saw class as a bore or an inconvenience, Mia was the exception.
Mia trudged out to my car, head down, hands threaded through the straps of her backpack. She looked totally dejected. I was so used to seeing her burst into a grin and jog the last few feet to my car, unable to contain her excitement.
She opened the passenger door and slid in beside me without a word, her long curly hair shielding her face.
"Hey," I said. "Class go okay?"
She nodded, hooking her hair behind her ears.
"Aiden...I'm sorry. I should have told you."
"Yeah," I said, picking at the plastic cover on the armrest. "But I get it. What could you say?"
"I don't want to break up," she said, but it came out weak. She might not want to, but I didn't see either of us having much of a choice in the matter. I was in no position to be hopping on expensive flights to California every month when I missed her, and I couldn't imagine going for a whole semester without holding her in my arms. It was too miserable. I would rather just suffer through the pain of a breakup than die slowly from missing her.
"What else are we gonna do?" I asked. "Like, I don't want to think about this any more than you do, but we've known this was a possibility for a while. Did you seriously think we could just survive on letters and Skype calls for a whole year? No way. Maybe if you were staying upstate and going to school closer to home..."
"I can," Mia insisted, reaching out for my hand and squeezing it. "This is just the first acceptance letter. If Stanford wants me, other people probably will too. I can pick a closer school, Aiden. We can still be together."
"I can't let you do that. Stanford is your dream; it's all you want. I can't take that away from you."
"It's my choice, Aiden."
"Yeah, it is. But you already told Stanford you would go if they accepted you. Early action, remember?"
"What are they gonna do, expel me? They don't have any power over me if I don't enrol to begin with."
"Mia," I began with a groan and then sighed heavily. We weren't going to get anywhere like this, but I already knew how this story ended. If we tried to make it work, Mia would spend her first few months at school fretting about me instead of focusing on her schooling. We would miscommunicate and fight and start to resent each other for taking up so much of each other's time without being able to be there in person. Then we would get further and further apart, and she would meet someone new who deserved her, and I would get a dear John letter sometime around Thanksgiving. The same thing had happened to my older sister when she went off to college, and every other person I knew who tried to grandfather their old relationship into their freshman year. It was doomed from the start.
"Maybe we should reevaluate things," I started carefully. I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth. None of this felt real. A week ago, I thought I would be spending my whole life with Mia. But I hadn't been thinking straight. That was an immature fantasy. If you really loved someone, you let them thrive with or without you. Mia deserved a shot at her best life, whether or not I was involved in that.
"What do you mean?" She asked warily, eyes injured.
"Maybe we should take a step back from the relationship and really think hard about what we want to do. See other people, maybe, or just...take time to ourselves."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Mia asked. She probably would have been angrier if she wasn't so hurt. Her eyes were getting glassy, the color draining from her face. But she wasn't putting up a fight.
"I think that might be the smartest thing to do. To just cut all the hurt off at the pass. We can just...focus on graduation and take the summer to do...whatever we need to do to heal from this. And you can go to Stanford without worrying about me.
Mia turned from me, pressing her hand against her mouth. She was thinking hard, blinking back the tears in her eyes. For a long moment, we stayed like this, pressed into opposite ends of the car, the air between us thick with things unsaid. Then Mia turned back to me, all the light gone out of her eyes, and nodded.
"Okay. Maybe that's the smartest thing to do."
I nodded gravely, and when I spoke, my voice came out hoarse.
"Yeah. Listen, it's just a matter of a
few years. There's nothing to say that we won't find each other again once things have settled down a bit, and once you've had a chance to get adjusted to college life. Who knows: maybe I'll find myself out on the West Coast one of these days?"
It was almost entirely a lie. I knew that once Mia acclimated to her college, she would make new friends and meet new guys and be perfectly happy to move on from me. I also knew the chances of me spontaneously traveling to California were slim to none. But it seemed right to leave the door open to reconciliation, even if it was just by a crack.
"Maybe. So this is it, then?"
"I think so." I swallowed hard, willing myself not to break down. If I cried in front of her, everything would be ruined, and we would never be able to let each other go.
"I love you, Aiden."
"I love you too, Mia. I think I'm going to love you for a very long time."
"Can I at least have a hug?"
"God yes, of course."
I unclipped my seat belt and leaned over to her, taking her in my arms and wrapping her up completely. She buried her face in my neck, and I hugged her as tight as I could, committing the way she felt and smelled to memory. She ran her hand down the back of my head, nuzzling in tighter, and I pulled just far enough away to take her face in my hands and kiss her over and over again. They were messy, hard kisses, more grief than passion, but she clutched my shirtfront and kissed me back with everything she had.
Mia broke away, eyes shining with tears that were sure to spill forth as soon as she had her back to me.
"Goodbye, Aiden. Thank you for everything."
"I promise I'll keep in touch. Take care of yourself, Mia."
"I promise."
Then the door was open and she was out of my car, clutching her backpack as she made her way across the pavement to wait for her father's truck in another lot. She wiped at her face, tucking her head down so that none of the other students standing out by their cars would see her cry.