by Logan Jacobs
“I actually agree with Ava-- he might have been a fine assassin,” I said, “but compared to Ava, he might as well have been a common unlicensed cutthroat.”
“That’s sweet of you to say,” Ava said as her blush spread along her cheekbones all the way to her ears.
“It’s just a fact,” I said. “This man obviously didn’t think that we had an assassin in our party, so he failed to make a better plan.”
“And we don’t have just any old assassin with us,” Penny added. “We have the best assassin.”
“Well, I know I’m the best assassin back home, but--” Ava started.
“You don’t have to be so modest,” I laughed. “You know damn well that you’re the best assassin in this whole fucking world.”
Ava just turned a deeper shade of pink.
“Okay, but can we return to the fact that Tevian hired assassins in addition to the soldiers inside?” Dar asked. “Who hires assassins to guard their home?”
“Someone who’s goddamn terrified, that’s who,” Penny said. “And also desperate.”
“How many assassins do you think there are?” Dar asked. “I assume there’s no one else along this wall, or we would have already been attacked by a sneaky flying dagger again.”
“I’d say there’s probably one posted on each wall,” Ava said. “Assassins don’t usually work all that well together, so I doubt they would work in pairs or anything like that.”
“So four assassins all posted on the walls,” I said. “And probably all in trees, since there aren’t a lot of other good hiding spots around here.”
“That would be my guess,” Ava said. “They’re probably supposed to sound an alarm if they see or hear anything suspicious-- you know, like raise an alert of some kind to the soldiers inside.”
“So why haven’t we been swarmed by elven soldiers yet?” Dar asked.
“Probably because this bastard got cocky,” I said. “That’s what I would assume, anyway.”
“I think you’re right,” Ava said. “He probably saw us, thought you and Penny were coming back from a night on the town, and didn’t think that Dar and I looked like very impressive bodyguards.”
“That’s really very hurtful,” Dar said. “Now I’m extra glad that this asshole is dead.”
“So he thought that he could take us all out before we were able to pinpoint his exact location?” Penny asked.
“And before we found a way to get him down from the tree, yeah,” Ava said. “He just didn’t know who he was messing with, that’s all.”
“Stupid cunt,” the green-eyed redhead sighed. “At least he’s dead.”
“So what now?” Dar asked.
“First, let’s prop this fucker up against the tree,” I said as I reached under his shoulders to lift him up.
Dar grabbed his ankles, and between the two of us, we carted the body over to the tree and leaned the corpse up against it, so his blood would just continue to spill onto his body instead of on the street.
“Okay, we’ll deal with him in a second,” I said. “Ava, can you hear any signs of the assassins? I know we’re being quiet, but I want to make sure that we’re not about to be ambushed by three more assassins or by a squad of elven soldiers.”
“I think the walls are too long for the other assassins to hear us,” the blonde replied. “I can’t hear anyone else moving, so I think we’re safe for now.”
“So we know Tevian lives here,” Dar said, “and we know he’s got a whole bunch of elven soldiers inside to act as his personal guard, plus a handful of assassins posted along the edges of his property.”
“That’s definitely more than we knew earlier tonight,” Penny said. “I mean, to be fair, we didn’t even know that Tevian was in the Gold City earlier tonight.”
“So what do we do with this information, now that we know?” Dar asked. “You still don’t want to take him out, right?”
“I can get past the assassins and the soldiers, Wade,” Ava said. “That wouldn’t be a problem, if you have changed your mind and want me to kill him now.”
“Um, not so fast,” Penny growled and put her hands on her hips. “You’re not going anywhere in your condition, and you’re definitely not going on a solo assassination mission into the center of Skeevy-an Tevian’s estate.”
“Your condition?” Dar wrinkled his forehead. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Oh, shit,” the pixie thief murmured. “Ava, I’m sorry-- I didn’t meant to--”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Dar said as he glanced between all three of us. “Your condition-- are you… holy shit, are you pregnant?”
“Well, I guess the secret is out now,” Ava sighed.
“So much for keeping things under wraps,” I said. “Yeah, she’s pregnant.”
Dar just grinned, and even though we were right beside a dead assassin and Tevian’s new estate, I couldn’t help but smile back.
“We are having a baby?” the halfling gasped.
“We’re having a baby, Dar,” I laughed.
My halfling friend damn near squealed as he jumped toward both of us and wrapped Ava and me in a tight hug.
“Fuck, yes!” Dar said when he finally released us. “That means I get to be a fucking uncle! Uncle Dar-- that’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“Aren’t you already an uncle to like ten children?” Penny asked.
“Nah, that’s different,” the halfling replied. “I mean, maybe, technically, but it’s not like I’m close to my family. Those kids have a dozen uncles. But this one-- this one’s gonna be special.”
“I just so happen to agree with you,” I said with a smile.
“Way to go, Ava,” Dar said. “Congratulations-- I mean it. Oh, and you did pretty good, too, Wade.”
“Thanks very much,” I laughed.
“So… that’s a no on the idea of killing Tevian now?” Ava smirked.
“Hell, no, that’s way too dangerous!” Dar said. “Uh… I mean, whatever Wade thinks is best, you know.”
“Holy shit,” Penny said. “Dar, does this mean we actually agree on something for once?”
“I doubt it’ll last long, so don’t hold your breath,” the halfling snickered. “But when it comes to that precious little bundle inside our favorite assassin, yeah. I think we’re on the same page about that.”
“You just wait until you’re pregnant, Penny,” Ava said with a roll of her eyes. “Then I can tell you what to do, too-- and don’t think for a second that I won’t boss you around.”
“Nah, that’s nothing,” Dar said. “Just wait until Cimarra finds out that Ava’s pregnant. And may the Ancients help you both if Penny does end up pregnant, too. Cim won’t let either one of you lift a fucking finger when she finds out.”
“I know this is hard to believe,” Penny said, “but I think I might agree with you again, Dar. If you think I’m a protective mama bear, just wait until Cim finds out you’re pregnant, Ava.”
“You’re not a bear, Penny,” I laughed. “You’re a fucking tiger.”
“Thank you very much,” the pixie said and tossed her red hair over her shoulder. “I take that as the highest possible compliment.”
“Good, because that’s how I meant it,” I said. “But look, my decision not to have Ava kill Tevian has nothing to do with the fact that she’s pregnant. I have no doubt that she is fully capable of sneaking into this estate, getting Tevian alone, and skewering him on the end of her dagger before he even knows she’s in the room.”
“You realize that you’re just making it sound more and more appealing, don’t you?” Penny sighed.
“Trust me, I know,” I said. “But I really want us to get established here, and that would be a lot harder to do if the city’s most-celebrated elf turns up dead the night after his triumphant party.”
“That’s fair,” Dar said. “But maybe later we could kill him?”
“Maybe,” I said. “But for now, I’d just like to focus on building up our busines
s here, while we also avoid Tevian.”
“In that case, what are we supposed to do with this fucker’s body?” Penny asked. “I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure it would be a little bit of a dead giveaway to Tevian that someone’s been snooping around his place.”
“Really, Penny?” Dar groaned. “His corpse is a dead giveaway? That’s a bad joke, even for you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” the pixie thief said. “I just meant-- ugh, you know damn well what I meant.”
“But it’s so much more fun to pretend that I didn’t,” Dar teased.
“We could put him back in the tree,” Ava said as she stared up into the branches above us. “We could prop him up and hide him in the branches, and I don’t think anyone would be able to see him from down here on the street.”
“I like that idea,” I said with a nod. “It would definitely save us some time and energy if we didn’t have to cart his body somewhere else and dump it.”
“Wouldn’t it, uh… I don’t know, fall out of the tree or something?” Dar asked.
“Only if there’s a bad storm to blow it down,” Ava replied. “I think we can wedge it into the branches good enough that it will be pretty rooted in place.”
“Plus, since this is the fucking Gold City, I doubt there’s going to be a storm any time soon,” Penny said. “Isn’t that supposed to be one of the perks of this place? That the weather’s always perfect?”
“Yeah, there’s a good chance that the corpse will start to rot by the time anyone sees it,” I said.
“But we shouldn’t be worried that someone might smell it?” Dar asked. “You know, when it starts to rot and everything? Or what if someone comes looking for this assassin and finds their body before they’re all gooey and decayed?”
“Then that’ll be a fun mystery for someone to try to solve,” I said. “But by the time anyone does find him, we won’t be here, and there shouldn’t be anything to link him to us.”
“Fair enough,” Ava said as she bent down to tug her arrow out of the assassin’s chest.
After she pulled it out, she wiped the arrowhead and shaft off on the man’s shirt and then slipped it back into place with her other arrows. She stepped back, tilted her head to the side, and then bent down again to close the man’s eyelids over his glassy eyes.
“Alright, so who wants to haul him up into the tree?” the beautiful assassin asked.
“I’ll take him,” I said. “But I might need help if I’m going to get him positioned just right.”
“Why don’t you go up first,” Dar suggested, “and then we can raise him up to meet you? Then as soon as you’ve got a good grip on him, I’ll climb up into the tree after you and help you get him into a good position.”
“Works for me,” I said.
“Me too,” Penny said. “Even if I am a better climber than Dar.”
“Oh, would you like to handle the bloody dead body instead?” the halfling demanded. “Because you’re more than welcome to.”
“No, no, I’m fine!” the redheaded pixie said. “I’m only teasing. You’re just as good a climber as I am.”
The moment Dar turned away from her, Penny glanced over at me and mouthed ‘no, he’s not,’ and I just grinned.
“Okay, you all get ready to hand him up to me,” I said, “and then once Dar’s in the tree, Penny and Ava can tell us exactly where to put him so he’s hidden from view by the leaves.”
“And also maybe keep an eye out for other assassins, right?” Dar asked. “And also elven soldiers? Oh, and if you see a nearby bakery or food cart from up there, I could go for a nibble of something.”
“Dar...” I groaned.
“What? Your woman is pregnant. She’s also gotta eat. I’m thinking about both of us, and the baby, of course.”
“I think we can figure out snacks after this,” Ava said with a smirk.
“That’s what I meant!” my friend chuckled.
I grasped the lowest limb of the tree and pulled myself up into the branches. After I climbed up to the next limb, I figured that I would have enough leverage to grab the man’s body, so I adjusted my position in the tree until my legs were wrapped around one branch and my hips were hinged against another limb.
As I reached down to take the corpse from my friends, they lifted him up just high enough that I could grab him underneath the shoulders. Then with my body firmly in place against the branches, I hauled him up into the tree below me.
I was able to pull him up to the second limb on my own, but the branches quickly grew thicker, and I knew it would be easier to have some help. Otherwise, I could spend all night here by the time I managed to inch him bit by bit higher up into the tree.
“Ready for you, Dar,” I whispered.
My halfling friend scrambled up into the limbs on the opposite side of the tree, and he kept climbing until he was a little above me. I passed one of the dead man’s arms to Dar and kept the other one for myself, and then between the two of us, we started to climb higher and pull the body right along after us.
The branches were all close together, so it was easy to climb but difficult to carry a full-grown man’s body along with us. Overall, it was slow work, but after a few minutes, we had made it halfway up into the tree.
“How do we look?” I called down to the two women.
“You’re looking pretty good from where I’m standing,” Penny snickered.
“That’s not really helpful right now, you know,” Dar said.
“I don’t know, I think that’s an important piece of information,” I said with a grin, and then I called down to the street again. “What else do you see?”
“I would still be able to see his feet from across the street,” Ava said.
“Sometimes, you’re so literal, Ava,” Penny sighed. “But, yeah, can you haul him up a little bit more?”
“Yeah, give us a second,” Dar said.
We pulled the corpse up another few branches, and then we swung his legs around so that they straddled one of the thicker limbs. We draped his arms over two different branches and then pressed his body up against the tree trunk itself.
“How about now?” I hissed.
“It looks pretty perfect from down here,” Ava said. “Let me check from across the street again.”
The blonde assassin disappeared and then came back a minute later.
“That’s good,” she called. “There’s no sign that anybody’s in the tree right now, so as long as you can both come down without moving his body at all, we should be okay.”
“Be right there,” I said. “I just want to climb a little higher and see if I can see anything else inside the walls.”
“Uh, Wade, do you mind if I maybe start to head back down?” Dar asked. “I’m not a big fan of being up this high in a tree. I had a bad fall when I was a kid, you know.”
“Why didn’t you say something earlier?” I demanded.
“Well, I kind of forgot about it until I… well, until I looked down just now,” Dar replied.
“Yeah, go ahead,” I said. “Just take your time on the way down, okay?”
“You got it,” the halfling said. “I’ll see you down there.”
I waited until Dar reached the bottom just to make sure that he didn’t slip out of the tree, but as soon as his feet hit the ground below, I turned my attention back to the branches above me and started to climb. I was already basically at the top of the wall, but I wanted to get a little higher, so I would be able to see into Tevian’s new estate from the best possible angle.
Once I was in a good position toward the top of the tree, I inched my way forward along one of the wider branches so I could see out through the thick leaves. It gave me a good view of the back of the mansion, and even though I couldn’t see the squad of elven soldiers in front of it, I could see a handful of soldiers scattered down along the side of the house.
The mansion itself was a fucking elven monstrosity, but that really wasn’t much of a surprise since Te
vian was the one who had chosen to either rent or buy it. It didn’t look like the kind of place that was available for rent, but Tevian hadn’t left our own city that long ago, so I didn’t know if he had been able to find time to actually buy something.
Of course, the fact that he had all these soldiers and assassins stationed around his home made me think that he must have bought the place. Most landlords wouldn’t have been that accommodating, even in the Gold City.
And as much as I wished that Tevian had left our city with absolutely no money to his name, I knew that the night elf was well-off enough to afford a place like this. Still, when it came right down to it, this mansion was the last kind of home I would have wanted, so if Tevian thought he was secure here, then he was welcome to fucking keep it.
The entire structure was made of marble flecked with gold, and there were massive columns along the back of the house that held the roof up. The same massive columns extended down the side of the mansion, and I guessed that they were probably on the front of the house, too.
On the side of the house, there was a massive fountain made of the same gold-flecked marble, but the statue on the fountain was of an elf who stood on the neck of a human, and the water emerged from a spout in the elf’s groin, so it looked like he was pissing on the dead human.
“Charming,” I muttered, even though it wasn’t much of a surprise that Tevian would have that kind of statue on his estate.
In fact, if the night elf got his way, he would have commissioned a special sculpture where he was the triumphant elf and I was the dead human at his feet. But Tevian would just have to keep on dreaming about that day, because I’d see him smashed to pieces with my shiny new war hammer before I let that happen.
I shook my head and focused on the mansion again. I didn’t plan for us to go inside the walls, but just in case we needed to at some point, I wanted to memorize the layout as much as possible. As far as I could see, there was one main door at the back of the house, but the only windows were on the second floor of the mansion.
Not that second-story windows would be any kind of obstacle to someone like Ava.
Maybe the lack of windows on the first floor was just supposed to keep out the riff-raff-- if any riff-raff made it past the giant stone walls around the estate first, of course. It was strange to see such a well-guarded and imposing structure in a place like the Gold City.