Stay Beautiful

by Perry Matlin

  I imagine kissing him then. I imagine risking rejection. I imagine trying to bring every fantasy I’ve had about him to life. I imagine moving to sit on his lap and kissing him softly. I imagine all of this in a span of a few seconds, but I don’t do anything about it.

  We sit there alone, our legs touching, his hand right next to mine. The air is thick around us. I watch as he plays his game, never crossing that imaginary line. Never attempting to take this anywhere.

  Finally, after several long minutes alone, Amber and her boyfriend join us. We laugh, have fun, drink, eat, and just talk the whole night through. I enjoy myself, surprised that my expectations were wrong.

  At the end of the night, I’m left alone with Trevor again, and he reaches in to give me a hug. I chuckle softly, pulling away to look at him. It’s weird that he’s touching me. That he wants to hug me.

  “You wanna stay the night?” he asks me, his words slurring together. I catch his wink, before deciding to answer him. Is he serious right now? I have a flash of my recent fantasy.

  “Trevor, you’re not gay” I tell him, smiling at his exaggerated reaction. He gasps audibly, putting both hands over his mouth. He’s so drunk right now, and it’s adorable to be honest.

  “I won’t tell if you don’t. Come on, stay with me, I’ll let you sleep in my bed with me, and we could…” he trails off, as I roll my eyes. He won’t remember any of this in the morning.

  I politely refuse a couple more times, explaining to him that he wouldn’t be asking this if he were sober. He’s straight and I don’t want to abuse our friendship that way. I turn down my crush because apparently, I’m a good person or something.

  I leave him alone, as he passes out on the couch. I lock the door behind me, heading into the night. I think about him the entire way home. I could have said yes. I could have brought my fantasies to life. I could have done it, but what kind of person would that have made me? What kind of implications would that bring? What would that have said about my character? I wanted to say yes, I wanted to let go, but I like him enough to want him to be happy, and to be okay. I would never take away his choice by taking advantage of his intoxication. That’s not who I am, at all.

  Chapter 25 Confrontation

  I push the plate away, before looking around sadly. Usually I don't care how badly my family screws up the holidays, but today on Thanksgiving, it was especially bad. I had to sit through the most awful dinner ever. Antonio and my mom were fighting, my sister was being a homophobe, and Alyssa called me fat for getting a second roll. Then the conversation went even worse. Antonio went off of my sister’s remarks, and the rest of the dinner was about gay people. I resist the urge to throw my plate, as I jump up, and head to my room. I just want to get out of here, and away from everything. I wipe a single tear from my cheek, as I close the door behind me. Sliding down, I rest against my thankfully locked door, and sob quietly. Why are they so horrible? Why are they so hateful? I push the nausea from my stomach and drag myself to my feet. Sauntering dejectedly over to my bed, I collapse.

  Not even twenty minutes later, my eyes dry, my stomach calm, but my fury wild; a knock sounds at my door. I whip my head to the side, feeling the acid rise into my mouth, as I bark at the door angrily.

  "What?" The words ring clear in the quiet room. My words are clipped, and cold with ice. I sit up, as my mom's voice pierces through the door. My anger softens a bit. I get up and cross the room to unlock the door for her wordlessly. She comes in and looks around awkwardly. She must be able to sense my feelings.

  "We're going over to Antonio’s dad’s house. Do you want to come?" she offers, knowing all too well that I'll never go. I hate Antonio and will never put myself into a situation where he is in control, and I have nowhere to go. I shake my head, and she studies me for a minute. Then she leaves me alone.

  Once the house is empty, I head out into the kitchen. I can still smell the food, but it turns my stomach, so I head for the fridge. Pulling out a soda, and cracking it open, I sit down before the computer. I quickly login and look for anything new. I have a message from Michael, but I ignore it, when I see Trevor is online. I send him a quick message, hoping to talk with him about the other night. It's been almost a week since the party. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I wasn't aware it would be the end of our friendship as well. I see that he is typing, so a smile crosses my face. Then the two words pop up, and my spirits sink. I'm not disappointed because I like him, but because I thought we were becoming friends. I want to be with Michael, but I wanted to be friends with him. I didn't want to ruin the friendship over one random party.

  "Can't talk" the two words glare up at me, as I try to see anything else. I decide not to waste my time anymore. That's when Michael messages again. I contemplate ignoring him once more. Why should I fall into his trap again? He's just going to get my hopes up again, and then let me down. I decide to check the message anyway.

  "Luke. I've been thinking, and I really just want to be with you. I don't need to think anymore. You're what I want" the message says. I laugh aloud, and then message him back immediately. It makes me giddy to think about being back with him. I spin around in the chair and do a small squeal.

  "I love you so much Michael. I'm so happy right now" I tell him. I sit back and wait for him to reply. He doesn't at first, so I just look up and down my Myspace page. He eventually sends me a bunch of smiley faces.

  I log off the computer and face my empty house then. What can I do? I look around, and out of nowhere an urge to clean hits me. I head to my room and look around. There are clothes strewn everywhere. I see the empty soda bottles, and a couple boxes from the clothes I recently bought. My CDs are all out of order, and my stuffed animals are everywhere. I head right in and find myself in the midst of a huge mess. I relish in the amount of stuff to clean, and soon enough I'm completely enthralled in the task, and time begins to slip away. Thirty minutes later, I look around, and find my room cleaner than it ever has been. My mom will be proud. I look down at my phone and see that my dad called. I pick the phone up and call him back. He answers after only two rings, and I talk to him. We talk about school and plan a weekend to the mall soon.

  Days later, I lie on my bed, rolling my eyes every time someone screams from behind my door. Today is the last day, before I go back to school. I'm so excited now that Michael and I are back together. We've been back on for three days now, and it has been such a great three days. Trevor still won't respond to me, and my family has been going through world war Antonio since Wednesday. Michael makes it all better. I know this is our third chance, but it doesn't matter to me. I know we are meant to be, and now we can make ourselves the top priority. That'll make all the difference. I think back to last night, when Michael snuck in, and we got lost in each other. I think about how it felt to have him there with me, and how it felt there in the darkness. I think about his hands, and the way I felt my fingers shaking. He makes me feel so great, and he is so amazing to me. I think of his eyes, as they sparked before me, and lightened the darkness around me.

  Another round of screaming fills the void of my thoughts, and I actually catch a bit of the argument. I smile because my mom isn't crying this time. She's screaming. She caught him texting some woman named Natalie, and he didn't like the confrontation too much. He's trying his best to lie his way out of this one, like he's done so many times. It baffles me because even if he were to tell the truth, it wouldn't matter. She isn't going to leave him. It's ridiculous, but it's true. I doubt they'll ever break up. I sadly contemplate a life without him, and it is indeed enticing, but I know better. I know she'll never leave him. She loves him too much. She's too comfortable. She's too afraid of being alone to leave. She would rather be miserable with him, than to be miserable without him... It's all so stupid to me, but I guess I kind of understand it.

  I decide to try to drown the fighting out, and just sleep my way through the last day of break. It's worked before. I lay back and put the pillow over my head. I reach o
ver blindly and turn the music on. Taylor Swift comes blaring through the speakers, and the screaming is gone. I listen to the familiar lyrics and realize just how much I love her music. I need her to come out with a second album already. I like this one, and it was her first. The words begin to blend together, as I fall somewhere between sleep, and awareness. Her voice soothes my ears, and I eventually fall asleep. It's a very light sleep, so I wake up several hours later, when a loud crash sounds from outside of my room. I jump up, unaware of what woke me up at first. I look around again, and just listen for another sound. I can hear crying, and then I hear that my mom isn't the one crying.

  I run out of the room, and see that Alyssa is on the floor in the hallway. Antonio is hovering over her, and I just react immediately. I run at him, and push him aside, before kneeling down beside my sister. She’s still in elementary school, and that's not cool at all. Alyssa is crying, and she has blood running down her arm. I look up at Antonio. He's looking down, and for once it's not angers. He looks nervous. He looks like he knows he finally went too far.

  "What did you do to her?" I demand, and he just takes a single step back, before reaching down to grab Alyssa. I watch as if in slow-motion, as Antonio carries her to the bathroom, and helps her clean her arm. We sit there in silence, and after a while, he looks at me. I can feel the tension between us. I'm just about to leave, when he stops me. He reaches out and grabs ahold of my wrist.

  "I'm sorry. You guys know that I do care about you, it's just...hard sometimes" he says, and a stir of emotion comes to life. I leave him then; his words echo in my head. He's still a horrible person, but maybe he does have some humanity left in him. I lock the door behind me and lay in bed. I feel tired now. I just want to sleep. I close my eyes, Antonio, and Michael the two people on my mind. I roll over and fall asleep almost immediately.

  Chapter 26 Celebration

  I wrap the blanket tighter around me, as the silence envelopes me. It's too early to get up, but I'm wide awake. I close my eyes, willing myself to fall asleep, but the events I'm about to experience have me wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. I sit up, keeping the blanket around me. My mom must not have turned the heat on last night. It's freezing in here. I move to get off my bed, and then see the stuffed animal. Michael got it for me a week ago for Christmas, and I've been sleeping with it since he hasn't been able to stay over. I look around at the clothes all over the floor, and the empty space where my radio usually sits. Antonio took it from me again. This time it was because I didn't finish my dinner. I'm nearly fifteen, and I'm being punished because I couldn't finish my seconds? He really is a terrible person, isn't he? I ask myself the question as usual. I remember how he looked, when he came rushing in. I had thought something was wrong, but nope. He was just being childish. I can still picture the whole scene.

  My mom came in, Antonio on her heels. Her hair was down, ready for some holiday party at the nursing home. Her natural black hair pulled back. I remember looking up at her, seeing the apology in her green eyes, the same green eyes she gave to me. He brushed past her then, her black curls blowing out around her.

  There he stood. His long blonde hair pulled tight in a ponytail. His pale skin red with anger, his blue eyes bloodshot. I remember his outfit. The white tank, the black slacks, the brown Walmart slides two sizes too big. He came right at me, pushing me aside. Then he took my stereo again.

  I think back to the day last month, when he apologized, well he kind of did. I ignore the sympathy and go back to hating him. I rub the sand out of my eyes and move across my room to throw clothes on. I took a shower before bed, so I'm good. I quickly get ready for the day, before sneaking from my room. Nobody is awake yet, so I head to the front door, and silently slide outside. Once I'm free of the house, I turn my iPod on. Sticking the headphones in, I walk down the lightening road, as the world sleeps around me. I silently thank Vicky again for the iPod she gave me for Christmas. There is a deep chill to the December air around me. It's almost seven o'clock in the morning, when I make it to the water. I look over to our place. We haven't been here together since summer. I walk over to the entrance and see that all looks untouched. Nobody has seen the little shelter yet. There are drawings, and a blanket over in the corner.

  I begin to remember the last time we came here. I remember bringing the blanket, and I remember what it was used for. I see myself lying back on it, as if reliving the memory. I see him hovering there. His phone rings, and he pauses to answer it. He hangs up, and turns back to me... I blink rapidly to bring myself to the present. It feels like this year has lasted a lifetime, and now that I'm living the last day of it, I'm feeling like I didn't enjoy this life changing year as much as I should have. I got to go an entire summer without Antonio, I lost my virginity, and I met the love of my life. I look around the little space again and decide to walk back to my neighborhood. Just as I'm leaving, I notice something I hadn't before. There is a purple jacket lying in the corner over by the blanket. I hadn't seen it, but it caught my eye, as I was turning.

  I stride across the space and kneel down to pick up the jacket. It obviously belongs to a girl. The initial h is engraved on both sleeves. It has a condom wrapper in the pocket. I snort with laughter, before leaving it behind. Someone else discovered my place, and they used it for what I did. I make a mental note to not come back for that reason because it makes me oddly itchy. I leave it all behind, as I walk down the street. I don't look back, as I turn onto my road. When I get back to the house, Antonio is gone. I head inside and walk to the fridge. My mom is standing at the sink doing dishes. I don't say anything, as I grab a bottle of water, and head back into my room. I didn't realize how cold I was until I feel the warmth of the house. She must've turned the heat on finally. I wrap myself in a blanket and turn to my phone. Michael called me, so I dial his number, and wait for him to answer my call.

  "Hey babe" he says, knowing its me. I smile wordlessly at the sound of his voice. He makes me so happy. I love everything about his voice. It makes me feel giddy, and alive.

  "Hey handsome! Happy New Years Eve" I tell him. He laughs, as I continue.

  "I walked down to the water and found a jacket in our place. Someone has been fooling around in our secret place" I tell him, jutting out my pouty lip. A playful smile on my lips.

  "Oh, well I haven't been there since we went last time" he says quickly. I smile, knowing it wasn't him because he wouldn't wear a girl's sweater. We talk for another few minutes, before he hangs up to go get ready.

  We're going to a party at Vicky's house since her mom is out of town. It's going to be fun not to have to hide. I get ready as well, wanting to get out of here before Antonio comes back.

  An hour later, I'm crossing the back yard. I jump over the fence into Josh's yard, and nearly have a heart attack. Just as I land on the ground, I hear a noise. Looking over, I see him there. Josh is standing on his back porch. I walk over to him happily. I haven't seen him since August. I fill in the gap between us and throw my arms around him. He doesn’t question me climbing into his yard, as he grips me tightly, lifting me off the ground and spinning me around. When we pull apart, he presses his lips to mine. I kiss him back at first, out of reflex, but then I push him away gently. I hear him sigh sadly. Things have changed. It isn’t summer anymore.

  "I'm sorry. I should've known you would be taken by now. You're the perfect partner. How have you been?" he asks me, and I smile up at him. His hair is darker, and his body a bit more muscular. I see he has a tattoo on his arm. He's changed since leaving for college. I take him in once more, before answering.

  "I've been okay. Just making it through, you know. How is college though? I've really missed you" I tell him, and he launches into his story about his first semester. I watch him, as he speaks. Appreciating his nearness. I missed him a lot.

  "Well I got assigned to this really weird roommate, and he smells freaking awful. I've joined a group of freshmen that are focusing on medical professions. I've been seeing this guy, but we broke up aft
er thanksgiving. It's been good. I've missed you like crazy though" he explains, and I feel myself settling into that comfortable feeling of affection that I feel around him. At that moment, Michael comes around the side of the house, and finds us there talking. I instinctively take a step toward Michael. Josh notices. His eyes tightening.

  "This is Michael, my boyfriend" I tell him with apologies in my eyes. He looks hurt, as he does a double-take. I remember my stories of Michael. He doesn’t think highly of him.

  "Oh, well it's definitely great to put a face to the name. I'm Josh. I was just telling Luke about my first semester in college" Josh says, reaching for Michael's hand. Michael ignores it, turning to me, as though Josh doesn't exist.

  "Are you ready to go in, or what?" the words are cold, and biting. I look at him for a moment, before realizing that they are both fully aware that I've slept with both of them. I blush slightly, before looking between the two of them.

  "Uh, yeah. I'll be right there" I tell him, sending him away. I turn back to Josh, and mouth silently how sorry I am. He looks at me amused for a moment, and I'm confused.

  "You don't need to be sorry for anything. He doesn't deserve you, but you'll see that eventually" he tells me. A smug look on his handsome face.

  I scowl at him, rolling my eyes, before taking a step back. I can see that he's aware of my hurt feelings because his face softens. He strides right up to me and kisses me again.

  "Josh, what are you doing? I have a..." I begin, but he interjects with a hollow laugh full of contempt.

  "Have a what? A boy that is ashamed of you? A guy that talks to you like shit. What exactly do you have? One thing is for damn sure it's not what you deserve" he barks the words at me under his breath, never dropping my hand, as he glares into my eyes. I try to yank my hand from his grip, but he holds on tightly. He's not hurting me, he's firm but gentle. I hear his words echo through my mind once more and my eyes fill with tears. I blink them away, and look up into his eyes, trying to glare as convincingly as possible.