"I want to talk to you about taking the kids to Oklahoma this weekend."
"I've filed papers to keep custody of the twins with me here, in New York."
We speak at exactly the same time and I shake my head, thinking I couldn't have heard her correctly.
"What?"
Oh my God. We keep speaking over each other and I'm irrationally pissed off that she doesn't just be quiet and let me go first and before I can stop myself, I say as much.
Tessa's hands clench into fists. "You did what? You already filed the papers? You didn't even do me the courtesy of talking to me about it first? I knew it. I can't believe I actually believed you when you said you'd come to Oklahoma with us. I'm an idiot. A stupid, stupid idiot. But you, you're an asshole. And you can take your court papers and shove them right up your ass."
Then, she burst into tears. Her anger is bad enough, but I can't handle her tears. Especially knowing I'm causing them. I want to take her into my arms, but when I step around my desk and walk close to her, her hands, still balled into fists, start hitting me in the chest as she pushes me away. When she looks up at me, I can see now that her tears are from anger and frustration. I've not hurt her; I've pissed her off. She’s not shy about letting me know it either.
"How dare you? Are you so full of your own self-importance that you can't see beyond it to anyone else and their feelings? Forget about me, you don't know me or owe me anything, but what about those babies? They are your own flesh and blood! Your very own twin's little ones! Don't you even care what you'll do to them if you insist on keeping them here, in this big, lonely, anonymous city? They'll spend every day with a nanny, seeing you only when you can spare a minute from your precious business! They won't have a mother, they'll have a parade of women who'll be afraid to let them touch them, in case the kids mess up their perfectly groomed hair or get jelly on their Hermes scarf. These children need me! They need love, and someone to play with them, read to them, tuck them in at night. Do you really think that sounds like you?"
I hate that the words coming out of her mouth are words I can't argue with. What she doesn’t know is that's the old me. The new me, the one that’s in love with Tessa, doesn't want those women. The new me doesn't want to work every hour of the day. I want to come home for dinner with Tessa and the twins, maybe even a few more kids, and I want family holidays and game nights. I need to tell her all of this, but I’m not even sure she’ll believe me. My only thought is that I have to show her. I have to show her that I'm changing. I don't know how to do that if she's in Oklahoma, so she has to stay. At least until after Friday night. "I'm sorry, Tessa. I… I'm sorry."
My words obviously surprise her. She must really think I'm a monster if she's shocked. I know how to apologize. When she speaks again there's less anger in her tone. "Bram, we have to sort this out together. That's what Roman and Mary wanted. It's what the children need. We have to put aside our own egos and figure out how we can do this for those two little kids."
We're still standing close enough to touch and I can feel her warm hand on my forearm as she pleads with me to reconsider about the court filing. I take a deep breath and decide to answer honestly. "You're right, Tessa. I've been an inconsiderate ass. I've been so busy thinking about the twins as my duty, that I forgot to think of them as Mary's babies. I really don't know what to say."
"Just say you'll keep an open mind, and that we'll talk and figure this out together."
Together. I like the sound of that word. "Of course. Yes. I can do that. I'll call my lawyer right now and ask him to hold on filing the papers."
"That would be best, Bram. Let's step back from this for today, okay? I don't know about you, but my head needs to be cleared, and the children could use some fresh air. Do you want to come with us to the park today? I know the kids would love it, and well, so would I."
There's no way I can resist her when she's smiling up at me like this. I had plans for the day. I need to work on my presentation for Davis. I'll only have a few minutes alone with him at the dinner party, so I have to make them count. But I find myself saying, "I'd love to. Let me make that call to my lawyer and shuffle a few things around. We can leave in a half hour, will that do?"
"Perfectly. See you in a bit then."
As I watch her walk out of the room, I find myself praying she doesn't change out of those blue jean cut-offs.
18
Tessa
Okay, I admit it, I'm confused. One minute I feel like Bram is practically evil in human form and then he goes and apologizes for Pete's sake, and I'm all melted butter inside. I know we're both not at our best right now, grieving for our siblings and trying to sort out this mess of an arrangement they've left us with, but even so, I just kind of feel like we're both all over the place as far as our feelings, actions, and reactions go.
A fun day in the park with the kids should do us both good. I try to suppress my urge to just grin with happiness at the thought of spending the day together, but then I figure, what the hell and just go with it. The kids aren't confused at all about how they feel and when I tell them Uncle Bram is coming with us, they whoop and holler with delight.
Mrs. MacThomas surprises us with the announcement that she has a cousin who lives in the Bronx and she's decided to go stay with her for a few days. My stomach quivers at the thought of being the only adult in the apartment with Bram, and a mental picture of him sharing my bed flashes through my mind. I steal a look at Bram and turn beet red. He clearly knows exactly what I've just thought because he's had the same thought, too. To cover my embarrassment, I start putting together a lunch to have in the park while chattering to the kids about some of the things they can expect to see today, like the Alice in Wonderland sculpture. Knowing we'd be going there soon, I started reading to the twins from the book a few days ago.
It’s not long before Bram, the twins, and I head out of the Dakota Building and cross busy Central Park West. The ground around the sidewalks is wet and squishy from the storm, but since we've rented bicycles to tour the park, it's not a problem. At first the twins are unhappy that we haven't gotten them their own bikes, but not knowing the level of their riding skill, I made the executive decision to rent two adult bikes that have saddles for each child to sit between us and the handlebars. Abbie asked politely if she could ride with me, so after getting her settled, Bram lifts Archie up in front of him and we take off.
It's been a few years since I've been on a bike, but like they say, the skill comes right back to me. The fresh air and the feeling of freedom that comes with cycling takes me right back to my childhood and I feel fabulous. Bram seems to be having fun too, and the sound of the children laughing and talking excitedly makes me happy. When we get to the sculpture, Abbie and Archie squeal and ask if they can climb on it. I'm not sure, so I glance at Bram, who announces it's not only okay, but the city encourages kids to play on it. The sun is climbing higher in the sky and the air is humid, so I move over to a bench under a huge shade tree. There are a few other kids scampering over Alice and the giant mushrooms, so the twins just follow their lead.
"This is fun, thanks for asking me along." Bram sits down next to me on the bench. I feel his body heat on my bare arms and legs.
"Thanks for coming. The kids are thrilled you're here."
"Just the kids?" The grin he gives me makes my stomach do flip flops.
Two can play this game. "No, I was just being kind. The kids are glad to be out of the house. They'd be thrilled even if you were Voldemort."
I smile at him in what I hope is a sexy way and look at him sideways. I’m not surprised to see him looking at my cleavage and the tops of my breasts showing above the white tank top I'm wearing. I’ve already concluded that he’s a boob man. Pretending not to notice where his eyes are riveted, I arch my back and stretch. It actually feels really good, so I prolong it for good measure. And yes, I get great satisfaction from seeing it's clearly affecting him. Good. There's no reason I should be the only one all tied up in k
nots.
"We're hungry, Aunt Tessa, aren't we, Archie?" So much for that. The kids bring us back to reality. Archie nods his agreement at his sister’s question and rubs his stomach for good measure.
"I think I can fix that. Let's go over to that picnic table over there and you two can help me unpack our lunch. Bram, would you lock the bikes in that rack over there?"
Aggravatingly, Bram just sits there. I glare at him and motion with my head toward the bike rack, but he still doesn't move.
"I need a minute." Oh my God, he’s almost blushing. He really did like what he saw, then.
Even though I’m pleased as punch with the effect I had on him, I roll my eyes and herd the twins to the picnic table. By the time I get the cold slices of chicken laid out with carrot sticks and ranch dip, Bram has done as I asked. We’re just like a real family. Everything is going so well that I hesitate to mention anything about my life in Oklahoma. But I feel like I need to. I mean, Bram's been telling me he's going to go there with us soon, and it's my home and where the kids are going to be living. The only reason not to talk about it is because I'm afraid of Bram's reaction because I know he doesn't really want to go. Well tough. He needs to get used to it.
"You know, kids, I've been thinking. The last time you were at my house, you stayed in my guest bedroom, do you remember?"
Their mouths full of chicken sandwich dipped in ranch, they nod their heads in unison.
"Well, how about you two think about what color you'd like to paint the walls and that’ll be our first project when we get back."
Abbie, always hyper-sensitive to any potential upsets, looks over at her Uncle Bram to gauge his reaction before answering. Archie nods at first, then takes his cue from Abbie and waits to see what Bram's going to say. "Don't worry, sweeties, your Uncle Bram is going to come to Oklahoma with us, isn't that right, Bram?"
His face looks darker than the sky during last night's storm. I feel my chin going up and my eyes narrowing in what Roman always said was my 'I dare you' look.
"We've got plenty of time to talk about that. Let's go feed the ducks."
The slithering bastard. Ducked out of that one nicely. I'm so irritated I don't even mentally laugh at my own pun. "You guys go on ahead. I'm going to clean up and let my food settle." And let my anger die down, because I don't trust myself not to cuss him out in front of the children. I don't know how much longer I can stand this back and forth and uncertainty. I thought, foolishly, that we'd come to some sort of agreement this morning. I thought that because he stopped the filing of papers to get custody of the kids that it meant he was willing to try things my way. Guess not. I can’t let it ruin the day for the children. I put my anger aside for now and join Bram and the twins who are waiting for me at the bikes.
19
Bram
She has more grace in one of her little pink toenails than all the Kats in the whole world have in their entire bodies. Watching her walk toward me and the kids, it hits me again how strong my feelings are for this woman. I'm shocked at how hard the thought of her leaving hits me. To be without both her and the twins would kill me. I can't imagine my life without them. I've got to quit being so heavy-handed and stubborn with her. I need to tell her about this dinner party with Kat and why I'm doing it, and promise her that we'll all go to Oklahoma on Sunday.
I think of what my dad might say. As always, the Dad part of my brain cuts right to the heart of things in the most negative way possible. But I have to admit that it's his wisdom and advice that has helped to get me where I am professionally and has helped keep me there. I have no idea where I'd be if I'd allowed myself to just follow my own inclinations all these years. I need to focus on right now. I'm here with a wonderful woman and our niece and nephew. I want to have this one perfect day, because if she finds out I can't let her take the kids to Oklahoma it will be my last perfect day.
Smiling back at Tessa, I help get Abbie settled back on the bike, then load up Archie on mine. For today, we're just like all these other happy families. For today, I can pretend it'll always be this way.
The kids are getting tired and cranky, so about two o'clock we head back home. Once we get inside, Tessa takes them to their room for a nap. I'm pacing the floor of my office. I can't put this off any longer. I have to tell her about Kat and about my meeting with Thompson Davis. Then say I'll go with her to Oklahoma on Sunday.
I need to figure out if I’m truly on board with leaving with her. I can’t leave my business behind. But I don’t want to live without her. She’ll go with or without me and take the kids. Or I’ll have to try to get custody and we’re right back where we started. I wish I could convince her to stay here. If I get that backing from Davis and start expanding BGC Industries in Europe it’ll mean I’ll be away on business trips, and even when I’m back home, I’ll be needed in the office. I’ll have this sweet little family here that I’ll never see. They might as well be in Oklahoma. God, this is making my head hurt.
My head is splitting, and my mood is getting worse by the second. I still don't know what the hell I'm going to say when I hear Tessa coming down the hallway to the office. She pokes her head around the corner, smiling, and my heart jumps. She's showered and changed her clothes. I can smell her sweet honeysuckle fragrance from here. She's exactly like a wild honeysuckle vine herself, pure and sweet. I invite her to sit with me on the couch, thinking it will be cozier, less like we're adversaries. But I realize my mistake when she's sitting so close that I can reach out and touch her bare leg. Her creamy tan skin is glowing from the shower and I want so badly to touch it. To touch this bare shoulder, and let my fingers run down her chest to dip below the neckline of her yellow tank top. Her breasts are small and firm and outlined perfectly through the material as her nipple hardens under my look. She's not wearing a bra and the knowledge of that is driving me wild.
I let my eyes travel down her body to see her hands, with long, capable fingers clutching the hem of her black jean shorts. I give up. I can't fight this. I won't fight it. I need this woman. That's all I know. The rest can be worked out later. Following my instincts, I reach out and take her warm hand in mine and caress it gently. She doesn't object, so I stand, and pull her up with me. Her eyes are asking me questions, but her lips stay silent as her pink tongue nervously licks her lower lip. I cup her chin lightly and lean in for a slow kiss. Her lips respond instantly and I'm so hard I can hardly stand it, but I want to take this slow. I want to savor every moment in case I somehow manage to fuck this up and never get the chance again.
My hands move down her bare shoulders, just as I had imagined doing just seconds ago. The reality is intensely better than the fantasy. My hands brush against the soft cotton of her top and I let my hands slide down the front of her chest to find her nipples hard and ready for me. Her body is sending me all the right signals, but I want to hear her say that she wants me, too. I pull back, leaving my thumbs lightly flicking her nipples through her shirt and look at her standing there. Her eyes are closed, and her head is thrown back, exposing her throat, where I see her pulse beating fast and furious.
"I want to make love to you, Tessa."
Her eyes open slowly. I'm confused because she doesn't say anything at first, she just puts her hands over mine, still cupping her breasts. I feel her move my hands and I let her, thinking she's telling me to stop, but understanding hits me like a freight train when she reaches down to pull her top over her head. She's perfect. Her long black hair frames the upper half of her naked body exquisitely. The sight of her literally takes my breath away. Then she says it.
"Make love to me, Bram."
I don't need to be told twice.
Quickly and quietly, I shut the office door and lock it, then turn back to Tessa. She's taken off her shorts and is just stepping out of the smallest, prettiest pink lace panties I've ever seen. Then she stands there and lets me just take her in. She's all beauty and perfection and if I ever stood a chance of resisting her, it's completely gone now. I'm hers
for the taking.
I love it that she watches me take off my clothes just as closely as I watched her. I can see her desire clearly in her eyes and the expression on her face. She walks toward me and reaches down and takes me in her warm, soft hand and I almost bite my tongue trying to keep from coming right then and there. I lean down and take her lips with mine. She releases me and her hands slide around my back, where they explore my muscles. I can't keep my hands off her, either, and they reach down to cup her ass. She's so small and light I easily lift her and carry her back over to the couch.
“Bram? We need to use protection.” Her voice sounds firm, but hesitant, like she’s reluctant to interrupt the moment. I always use protection and I’m usually much smoother than this. There’s just something about her that is making me feel as eager as I did the very first time.
I sit her down on the couch gently and quickly retrieve a condom from a box in the side drawer of my desk, then lay it on the floor next to the couch. I want to make this special for her. God, she’s so beautiful.
I kneel down in front of her, and my hands start at her ankles and slowly glide up her calves. Her skin is soft and smooth, and I can feel her muscles flex as her heels raise off the floor. I lightly kiss each perfect knee as my hands slide up to her thighs. Her little intake of breath tells me she likes this, so I keep going, licking and swirling my tongue on her inner thigh, letting her anticipate what I’m going to do next.
Because of Them: Heartfelt Romance Page 10