As soon as I ring the doorbell, I can hear Abbie and Archie arguing over which one gets to open the door. My stomach flip-flops when I hear Tessa say, “Step back, both of you. If you’re just going to fight about it, I’ll be the one to open the door.”
Then, there she is. Her long black hair is hanging loose with just the slightest curl to it against bare shoulders. Her dress is bright yellow and stops just above her knees. As usual, her feet are bare, and I’m so happy to see those pink-painted toes that I could cry. I’m grinning like a fool, I know, but I don’t care. She actually smiles back at me a little. I’m hoping this means she doesn’t hate me.
Seconds later, I’m bombarded by two tiny little black-haired bullets who launch themselves at my legs and hang on tight. I swoop down and pick them both up, happier than I thought I would ever be again.
“Are you going to come in, or should I just provide air conditioning for the whole city?”
I want to figure out if she’s just being polite by asking me in, but I don’t want to give her time to change her mind, so I quickly step into her house. Still carrying Abbie and Archie, I follow her into the kitchen, where I deposit the twins who are now squirming to be let down. Without them in my arms, I feel awkward and too big for the room. I nervously rub the back of my head and wait for her to say something. I figure I can’t go wrong if I let her take the lead. I hope not, anyway.
“You cut your hair.” I hear the shock in her voice, and I wonder if I look stupid with it short. I had it cut on impulse yesterday afternoon. Archie hadn’t wanted to get his done, saying he wanted to grow his hair like mine. So, I told him I was getting mine cut, too, and we could get matching haircuts. He’d been pretty pleased with that solution. I’ve worn my hair long for years, but after cutting it, well, it just felt right. I’d actually kind of forgot about it.
“Does it look dumb? I did it so Archie would let the lady cut his hair. I figured if I brought him back without it cut, there’d be hell to pay with Mrs. MacThomas.”
“No, it doesn’t look dumb. I like it.”
I don’t know what to say to that, and the way she keeps looking at me makes me nervous. Thankfully, she looks away and starts talking, taking the pressure off of me to think of something. I’ve got nothing.
“So, you’re going bowling today, the twins tell me. That sounds fun.”
“You’re coming, too, aren’t you, Aunt Tessa?” Abbie is standing between us and takes just that moment to grab one of each of our hands. We stand there like that for a minute, linked together, while I look at Tessa with longing and she looks back at me with uncertainty.
Archie decides to take up the cause and starts jumping like a kangaroo around the three of us as he yells, “Please, Aunt Tessa, come with us, please, Aunt Tessa.”
I figure adding my plea can’t hurt.
“You’d get to wear those really cool shoes if you come with us.”
I think maybe she’s going to say no. She looks a lot like she wants to say no. But she says yes, and I have to stop myself from giving the twins a high five.
“Okay, then, bowling it is. You guys ready?” I’m asking the twins, but I’m looking at Tessa. She nods her head.
“Yeah, but I’d better put on some shoes. I hear they even make you wear socks with those bowling shoes. How barbaric.”
I’m really hopeful for today. She’s joking and even giving me a little smile. Thanks, Mary. If this is my second chance, I’m grabbing it.
Last time I was here, I’d rented a big king-cab truck, just for kicks. It’s not something I ever considered driving in New York, but it was so much fun, I rented it again this visit. The twins scramble up into the back with my help and Tessa and I get them strapped into their booster seats. I come around to Tessa’s side and open her door for her which scores me a few Brownie points and also gives me the added advantage of getting to watch her bare legs as she climbs up into the front seat. Once again, I feel myself grinning like a fool as I walk around to my side of the truck and get in.
“You’ve gone full-on redneck, I see.”
The laughter in her voice is good to hear. “Hey, don’t hate on me for wanting to fit in. Besides, it’s fun to drive. The world looks less sinister from way up here.”
I start the truck and the pre-set navigation system starts giving me directions. Tessa looks at it and says, “Ah, Bricktown. Good choice, but you won’t need this.” She turns it off and gives me a big grin. “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you where to go.”
“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.” It feels really good for things to be so easy-going between us. I’m afraid of doing or saying something to ruin it. “I’m glad you came with us, Tessa.”
“I’m glad you asked me.”
Wow. This is way more than I could have expected. Mary must have all kinds of influence from above because I sure as hell didn’t think I could pull this off.
“I was thinking we should take advantage of the fact that it’s cooler in the morning and take a riverboat ride first, what do you think?”
“I think you’re getting the hang of Oklahoma. Yeah, that’s perfect. I’ve actually never taken the riverboat cruise, so this will be a first for all of us.”
From the back seat, Archie pipes up. “Hey, do you ‘member, Abbie, we went with Mommy and Daddy on a big boat and saw dolphins jumping? We were lookin’ for a whale, but he was hiding. But the dolphins liked us and swam by the boat, do you ‘member?”
“I ‘member, Archie. I miss Mommy and Daddy.”
“I want Mommy and Daddy.” Archie, ever suggestible to whatever Abbie says, starts calling for his parents. That’s followed quickly by Abbie bursting into tears. I look over at Tessa and see her big brown eyes spilling over, too. Luckily, I’ve reached the parking lot and quickly pull in to the first available space. Tessa has her seat unbuckled in a split second and as soon as the engine stops, she jumps out and into the back seat. I’m right behind her. Tessa has Archie close and was trying to pull in Abbie, so I scoop them all into my arms while they cry. After a few minutes, the children’s sobs turn into hiccups and Tessa looks at me over the tops of their heads.
“Their counselor warned me to expect this. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes they get overwhelmed by their feelings when they think about their parents. It’s normal, and we’re supposed to just let them cry it out, just like an adult would. It’s healthy for them to grieve and to remember, just like it is for us.”
I don’t bother to try to hold back my own tears. I’m not ashamed that I loved my sister, or that I miss her, and seeing the grief on the faces of these three other people I’ve grown to love so much hurts. I do all that I can do for them just then, and I keep on holding them.
“Hey, looks like the little ones have fallen asleep. Isn’t it a little early for that?”
“It’s just the emotional crash. They won’t sleep long, then we’ll get going, okay?”
“No rush. I’ve got everything I need right here.”
It’s true. I love these people more than life itself. They’re my family.
Thank you, Mary, for bringing Tessa into my life. I guess you’re right. You do always know best.
42
Tessa
My heart is beating so fast I’m almost worried, but I know it’s because Bram is so close. We’re holding the twins in the back seat of his truck after their emotional meltdown. My bare leg is pressed alongside his. I’m so hyperaware of him that I know that he just breathed in deeply, smelling my hair, which reminds me of yesterday and how he listed all the things he misses about me. Why can’t this be simpler? We might actually have a chance at a life together if the rest of the world would just go away.
But it’s not going to all just go away. He might be the father of another woman’s child. He says he doesn’t have feelings for her, but he must have once. Why else would he have broken his own rule of not dating just one particular woman? And I can’t forget those pictures. He says they were staged to look like t
hey’re in love, but I’m not sure I believe it. I don’t know. I’m so confused.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought after yesterday that I would say yes to going anywhere with Bram today. When he showed up at my door today, though, my heart reached for him. When I see him with the kids, I can’t believe all the horrible things I think when we’re apart. When he touches me I don’t want to believe them. I agreed to come today on impulse, pure and simple.
“Aunt Tessa? Are we at the bowling alley yet?” A now wide-awake Archie pokes me in the side with his elbow as he scrambles to sit up, and in the process wakes up his sister when he plants his other elbow on top of her head.
“Hey, Archie, get off me. That hurts. Uncle Bram, make him get off me.”
Clearly the kids are rearing to go now, the earlier turmoil forgotten for now.
“We’re here, munchkins, but we’re going for a boat ride first, remember? Come on, let’s gather all our things and get going.”
I try to avoid looking at Bram. I don’t want him to see how conflicted I am, it would ruin the day. Since I’m here, I’m going to make the most of it. We all deserve at least one day where we can forget our troubles and just enjoy life. Even Bram Carter.
Aside from one near miss, when Archie nearly toppled out of the boat in his enthusiasm for a passing butterfly, the boat ride was a success. I slathered the kids with sunscreen while we waited in line for a free boat. It’s surprising how busy everywhere is already. I’d heard that Bricktown is one of the city’s most popular tourist attractions but hadn’t experienced it myself. This isn’t exactly the kind of extra-curricular activity Mitch went for. When we went out together, if it wasn’t an event connected to work, it would be golf at his club or a day trip somewhere else to play golf. I’m actually a pretty good golfer because of it, but unfortunately, I hate the game.
Enough about Mitch. Today is for fun. I’m just thankful I’m free to just have fun, do whatever it is that makes me happy. When I was dating Mitch, I always tried to do what would make him happy. Which leads me to remember that I’m not dating Bram. But I’m going to have his baby. This shutting the world out isn’t so easy.
“You okay, Tessa?” I must have looked at him funny because he followed that up with, “You just sighed really loud. You okay?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m fine, thanks. The boat ride was a good idea. What’s next?”
“I’m hungry, Aunt Tessa. I need a snack.” Archie’s favorite times of the day usually coincide with mealtimes. Luckily, Rhona packed plenty of snacks for us so the kids wouldn’t eat too much junk food.
“I think you do need a snack, Arch. Your stomach looks like it shrunk.”
“Really?” Bram laughs at Archie who pulls up his shirt to examine his belly. The sound makes the butterflies living in my own stomach dance.
“Don’t be dumb, Archie. Stomachs don’t shrink.”
“Aunt Tessa is a nurse, so she knows. And if stomachs can growl, they can shrink. Right, Uncle Bram?”
Bram’s response is to pick Archie up and put him on his shoulders. This prompts Abbie to want a ride, so Bram takes turns carrying them as we walk to a picnic table.
The grapes and cheddar cheese hit the spot, not just for the kids, but for me as well. I haven’t really had any morning sickness, but I’ve noticed my appetite is increasing. I touch my stomach under the table and think about my baby growing there. In spite of the messy circumstances, I couldn’t be happier about the baby. For someone whose family is so limited, the thought of adding another person to love is nothing but good news. I wish I could share it with Bram. I know I’ll have to eventually, but I wish it was something we could just celebrate.
“Can we go bowling now, Uncle Bram?”
“Not yet, kiddo. Our lanes are reserved for this afternoon, after lunch. I thought we could wander around, maybe do a little shopping. What do you say? Anyone feel like picking out souvenirs to remember the day by?”
Of course, the kids jump up and down at that. Since today is all about fun and nothing but fun, I shrug away my melancholy and follow Bram and the twins into shop after shop. The kids have no trouble picking out their souvenirs. Abbie buys the first mermaid she sees, and Archie goes for a set of plastic dinosaurs. When the kids get tired, Bram rents a double stroller from a vendor set up along the shops. They’re full of energy, but little legs get tired, especially in the steadily increasing heat. I’m getting a bit tired myself, and the heat is beginning to make me a little irritable.
“You need a souvenir, too. I’m going to pick it out myself. You choose one for me.” The grin on his face is so boyish that I can’t resist. We split up so the gifts will be a surprise. Bram goes one way, pushing the twins in their stroller, and I go the other. I’m happy for any excuse to go into the air-conditioned shops and choose one that sells baseball caps. The thought of Bram wearing a hat that says “I heart Oklahoma” around New York City makes me laugh out loud, so of course that’s what I buy him.
When we meet back up outside the taco truck we’d agreed would be where eat lunch, I hand him the hat.
“Wow, Tess. That’s… something I’m never going to wear.” We’re both laughing and I’m happier than I’ve been in ages. Bram looks almost shy when he hands me my souvenir.
“I couldn’t help myself. It reminds me of your eyes.”
Curious now, I open the bag and see a jewelry box inside. Thankfully, it’s too big to be a ring, so my heart doesn’t even go there.
“Bram. I don’t know what to say. It’s beautiful. But it’s too much. You’re supposed to give me an Oklahoma City snow globe or something.”
“I’ll get you one of those, too, if you want it. But this is perfect for you. I honestly couldn’t resist, and you’ll hurt my feelings if you don’t accept it. I might even have to give you back my hat, and that would break my heart.”
I pull out the necklace and hold it up. The sun shines through a smoky brown quartz about the size of my thumb nail. It’s exquisite and I want to cry thinking about how he said it reminds him of my eyes.
“It’s beautiful. I love it, Bram, thank you. What a wonderful way for me to always remember today.” The moment is full of emotion. I want so badly for him to hold me. It feels like that kind of moment, where if we were just two people in love, we’d hold each other tight and kiss.
But we aren’t just two people in love, so we don’t.
43
Bram
Today is turning out to be the best day I think I’ve ever had. If you’d told me a month ago that the best day of my life so far would be spent walking around Oklahoma City, I would’ve thought you were nuts. The truth is, any day I get to spend with Tessa is going to be one of the best days of my life. I love her so much. I can’t believe now that I ever fought against the idea of being in love. It’s awesome. Just like Mary promised me it would be.
I just need to be free to ask Tessa to love me back. The way she looks at me sometimes gives me hope that it might be possible, that someday she might actually love me, too.
We’re back at Tessa’s house now, after a full day of doing anything and everything we wanted. The bowling had been fun, but the kids didn’t last long, and now they’re upstairs, being put down for a nap by their nanny. To be honest, Tessa looks like she could use a nap, too.
God, I wish I could lay down beside her, and just hold her while she sleeps.
I know I should probably go, but I don’t want the day to end. The silence between us is stretching out and starting to feel awkward.
“Do you want to…”
“Tessa, I…”
Of course, when we finally say something, we speak at the same time and stop at the same time, so nothing gets said.
I’m pulled to her by a force stronger than my self-control. I stop just short of taking her into my arms, my brain telling my heart that I have no right to when the ghost of Katrina is hovering over us, like a menacing thunder cloud. But, unbelievably, Tessa steps closer to me. I hold my
breath, not wanting to break the spell. I release it when she reaches her arms up and cups my face in her hands. Gently, she pulls my face down to hers and brushes her warm lips against mine.
It’s what I’ve been wanting to do all day. I can’t believe she’s wanted it, too. I keep my lips soft and let her do with me whatever she wants, my arms still down by my sides. Her hands move from my face, but not before she runs them along the beard I’ve been growing lately, mostly out of laziness. They reach around and rub my neck, newly exposed by the recent haircut. It’s getting harder and harder to stay still, to not touch her back, but I want her to know she has full control here.
She knows it, and she’s taking it. Pressing her body closer to mine, she deepens our kiss. Her tongue glides against mine, and my self-control is tested further. She must feel my frustration, my need to be closer to her, because she pushes me toward the big chair behind me. It’s the chair she was sitting in with the children the other day when the social worker came. I remember being kind of jealous, wishing I could be sitting there with her. I can hardly believe it when she pushes me into the chair and climbs on top of me, fitting her warmth against my hard-on. When she starts rubbing herself slowly against it, I can’t hold back anymore.
My hands slide up her bare legs, one bent on either side of my thighs, and reach up under the skirt of her bright yellow dress. I feel the silky material of her panties and don’t think twice. They tear easily in my hands and I rip them off her, causing her to gasp against my mouth. She rubs her wet center against me faster and I see it on her face when she comes. I’m so glad she is the kind of woman who takes pleasure for herself. I love knowing my body does this for her. She pulls back and climbs off my lap. I start to protest, wanting her back, but she grabs the waistband of my shorts and uses them to pull me to my feet. As she starts to slide them down, she kneels down in front of me, and I can’t help but let a groan escape.
Because of Them: Heartfelt Romance Page 19