The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER XI. A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL--SOMEREASONS PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY ACHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS.

  Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishmentsof his lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who wasrequired to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If I saythat his coat had been brushed, his tail newly curled, and that his airwas a little more than usually "solemnized," as Captain Poke describedit in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said that is eithernecessary or true. He placed himself behind a foot-stool, which servedas a table, smoothed its covering a little with his paws, and at onceproceeded to business. It may be well to add that he lectured withoutnotes, and, as the subject did not immediately call for experiments,without any apparatus.

  Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which hisaudience were seated, the philosopher commenced.

  "As the present occasion, my hearers," he said, "is one of thoseaccidental calls upon science, to which all belonging to the academiesare liable, and does not demand more than the heads of our thesis tobe explained, I shall not dig into the roots of the subject, but limitmyself to such general remarks as may serve to furnish the outlines ofour philosophy, natural, moral, and political--"

  "How, sir," I cried, "have you a political as well as a moralphilosophy?"

  "Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interestsrequire more philosophy than those connected with politics. Toresume--our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most ofthe propositions, demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater leisure,and a more advanced state of information in the class. Prescribing tomyself these salutary limits, therefore, I shall begin only with nature.

  "Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governingprinciple of created things. It is known both as a generic and aspecific term, signifying in the former character the elements andcombinations of omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and inthe latter its particular subdivisions, in connection with matter inits infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its physical andmoral attributes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions justnamed. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, meaning physically,we should be understood as alluding to those general, uniform, absolute,consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and render harmonious,as a great whole, the entire action, affinities, and destinies ofthe universe; and when we say nature in the speciality, we would beunderstood to speak of the nature of a rock, of a tree, of air, fire,water, and land. Again, in alluding to a moral nature in the abstract,we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its attractions, its deformities-in aword, its totality; while, on the other hand, when we use the term,in this sense, under the limits of a speciality, we confine itssignification to the particular shades of natural qualities that markthe precise object named. Let us illustrate our positions by a few briefexamples.

  "When we say 'Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime,instructive!'--we mean that her laws emanate from a power of infiniteintelligence and perfection; and when we say 'Oh nature, how art thoufrail, vain and insufficient!' we mean that she is, after all, but asecondary quality, inferior to that which brought her into existence,for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful purposes. In theseexamples we treat the principle in the abstract.

  "The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar, and,although in no degree more true, will be better understood bythe generality of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physicalsignification, is apparent to the senses, and is betrayed in theoutward forms of things, through their force, magnitude, substance, andproportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, to examination, bytheir laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral nature is denoted in thedifferent propensities, capacities, and conduct of the different classesof all moral beings. In this latter sense we have monikin nature, dognature, horse nature, hog nature, human nature--"

  "Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, "to inquire if, by thisclassification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by theaccidental arrangement of your examples?"

  "Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John."

  "And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetablenatures?"

  "Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that allliving nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus, whileanother admits of the distinctions you have named. I am of the latteropinion, inclining to the belief that nature herself has drawn the linebetween the two classes, by bestowing on one the double gift of themoral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the former from the other.The existence of the moral nature is denoted by the presence of thewill. The academy of Leaphigh has made an elaborate classification ofall the known animals, of which the sponge is at the bottom of the list,and the monikin at the top!"

  "Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled Noah.

  "Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, "am I tounderstand that your savans account man an animal in a middle statebetween a sponge and a monkey?"

  "Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophicaldiscussion--if you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myselfcompelled to postpone the lecture."

  At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself, althoughmy esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as I could, achange of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended over his tablewith an air of doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:--

  "Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards,skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions,Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and monikins,are, beyond a question, all animals. The only disputed point amongus is, whether they are all of the same genus, forming varieties orspecies, or whether they are to be divided into the three great familiesof the improvables, the unimprovables, and the retrogressives. Theywho maintain that we form but one great family, reason by certainconspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links to unite the greatchain of the animal world. Taking man as a centre, for instance, theyshow that this creature possesses, in common with every other creature,some observable property. Thus, man is, in one particular, like asponge; in another, he is like an oyster; a hog is like a man; theskunk has one peculiarity of a man; the ourang-outang another; the slothanother--"

  "King!"

  "And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of philosophers,while it has been very ingeniously supported, is not, however, the onemost in favor just at this moment in the academy of Leaphigh--"

  "Just at this moment, Doctor!"

  "Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as well as moral,undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature? The academyhas paid great attention to this subject; and it issues annually analmanac, in which the different phases, the revolutions, the periods,the eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances from the centreof light, the apogee and perigee of all the more prominent truths, arecalculated with singular accuracy; and by the aid of which the cautiousare enabled to keep themselves, as near as possible, within the boundsof reason. We deem this effort of the monikin mind as the sublimest ofall its inventions, and as furnishing the strongest known evidence ofits near approach to the consummation of our earthly destiny. Thisis not the place to dwell on that particular point of our philosophy,however; and, for the present, we will postpone the subject."

  "Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 1, article5, protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must besupposed to contain the spirit of that which was), to inquire whetherthe calculations of the revolutions of truth, do not lead to dangerousmoral extravagances, ruinous speculations in ideas, and serve tounsettle society?"

  The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chatterino, to consultwhether it would be prudent to admit of the validity of protocol No.1, even in this indirect manner; whereupon it was decided betwee
n them,that, as such admission would lay open all the vexatious questions thathad just been so happily disposed of, clause 1 of article 5 havinga direct connection with clause 2; clauses 1 and 2 forming the wholearticle; and the said article 5, in its entirety, forming an integralportion of the whole instrument; and the doctrine of constructions,enjoining that instruments are to be construed like wills, by theirgeneral, and not by their especial tendencies, it would be dangerousto the objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted.But, reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted into aprecedent, it might be well to concede that as an act of courtesy, whichwas denied as a right. Hereupon, Dr. Reasono informed me that thesecalculations of the revolutions of truth DID lead to certain moralextravagances, and in many instances to ruinous speculations in ideas;that the academy of Leaphigh, and, so far as his information extended,the academy of every other country, had found the subject of truth, moreparticularly moral truth, the one of all others the most difficultto manage, the most likely to be abused, and the most dangerous topromulgate. I was moreover promised, at a future day, some illustrationsof this branch of the subject.

  "To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture," continued Dr.Reasono, when he had politely made this little digression, "we nowdivide these portions of the created world into animated and vegetablenature; the former is again divided into the improvable, and theunimprovable, and the retrogressive. The improvable embraces allthose species which are marching, by slow, progressive, but immutablemutations, towards the perfection of terrestrial life, or to that last,elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which the materialmakes its final struggle with the immaterial--mind with matter. Theimprovable class of animals, agreeably to the monikin dogmas, commenceswith those species in which matter has the most unequivocal ascendency,and terminates with those in which mind is as near perfection as thismortal coil will allow. We hold that mind and matter, in that mysteriousunion which connects the spiritual with the physical being, commencein the medium state, undergoing, not, as some men have pretended,transmigrations of the soul only, but such gradual and imperceptiblechanges of both soul and body, as have peopled the world with so manywonderful beings--wonderful, mentally and physically; and all of which(meaning all of the improvable class) are no more than animals of thesame great genus, on the high road of tendencies, who are advancingtowards the last stage of improvement, previously to their finaltranslation to another planet, and a new existence.

  "The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing totheir destiny, take a false direction; which, instead of tending to theimmaterial, tend to the material; which gradually become more andmore under the influence of matter, until, by a succession of physicaltranslations, the will is eventually lost, and they become incorporatedwith the earth itself. Under this last transformation, these purelymaterialized beings are chemically analyzed in the great laboratory ofnature, and their component parts are separated; thus the bones becomerocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, the blood water, the gristleclay and the ashes of the will are converted into the element of fire.In this class we enumerate whales, elephants, hippopotami, and diversother brutes, which visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that mustspeedily triumph over the less material portions of their natures."

  "And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate against the theory; theelephant, for instance, is accounted one of the most intelligent of allthe quadrupeds."

  "A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these littleequivocations; thus, we have false suns, false rainbows, false prophets,false vision, and even false philosophy. There are entire races of bothour species, too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for yours, andbaboons and the common monkeys, that inhabit various parts of the worldpossessed by the human species, for ours, which are mere shadows of theforms and qualities that properly distinguish the animal in its state ofprotection."

  "How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all the othermonkeys that we see hopping and skipping about the streets?"

  "No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat-nosed,thick-lipped, low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the squalid,passionless, brutalized Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights invagaries; and all these are no more than some of her mystifications.Of this class is the elephant, who, while verging nearest to purematerialism, makes a deceptive parade of the quality he is fast losing.Instances of this species of playing trumps, if I may so express it, arecommon in all classes of beings. How often, for instance, do men, justas they are about to fail, make a parade of wealth, women seem obduratean hour before they capitulate, and diplomatists call Heaven to be awitness of their resolutions to the contrary, the day before theysign and seal! In the case of the elephant, however, there is a slightexception to the general rule, which is founded on an extraordinarystruggle between mind and matter, the former making an effort that isunusual, and which may be said to form an exception to the ordinarywarfare between these two principles, as it is commonly conducted in theretrogressive class of animals. The most infallible sign of the triumphof mind over matter, is in the development of the tail--"

  "King!"

  "Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?"

  "By all means, sir--that seat of reason, the tail! Pray, Sir John,what other portion of our frames did you imagine was indicative ofintellect?"

  "Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the head is the morehonorable member, and, of late, we have made analytical maps of thispart of our physical formation, by which it is pretended to know thebreadth and length of a moral quality, no less than its boundaries."

  "You have made the best use of your materials, such as they were, andI dare say the map in question, all things considered, is a very cleverperformance. But in the complication and abstruseness of this very moralchart (one of which I perceive standing on your mantelpiece), you maylearn the confusion which still reigns over the human intellect. Now, inregarding us, you can understand the very converse of your dilemma. Howmuch easier, for instance, is it to take a yard-stick, and by a simpleadmeasurement of a tail, come to a sound, obvious and incontrovertibleconclusion as to the extent of the intellect of the specimen, than bythe complicated, contradictory, self-balancing and questionable processto which you are reduced! Were there only this fact, it would abundantlyestablish the higher moral condition of the monikinrace, as it iscompared with that of man."

  "Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family seriouslyentertain a position so extravagant as this; that a monkey is a creaturemore intellectual and more highly civilized than man?"

  "Seriously, good Sir John! Why you are the first respectable person ithas been my fortune to meet, who has even affected to doubt the fact. Itis well known that both belong to the improvable class of animals, andthat monkeys, as you are pleased to term us, were once men, with alltheir passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, mode of philosophy, unsoundethics, frailties, incongruities and subserviency to matter; that theypassed into the monikin state by degrees, and that large divisions ofthem are constantly evaporating into the immaterial world, completelyspiritualized and free from the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what iscalled death--for that is no more than an occasional deposit of matterto be resumed in a new aspect, and with a nearer approach to the grandresults (whether of the improvable or of the retrogressive classes)--butthose final mutations which transfer us to another planet, to enjoy ahigher state of being, and leaving us always on the high road towardsfinal excellence."

  "All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can persuade me intothe belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr. Reasono, youwill allow me to say that you must prove it."

  "Ay, ay, or me, either," put in Captain Poke, waspishly.

  "Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," continued the philosopher, whosespirit appeared to be much less moved by our doubts than ours were byhis position--"I should in the first place refer you to history. All themonikin writers are agreed in recording the gradual translation of
thespecies from the human family--"

  "This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, but permitme to say that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon, has evertaken such a view of our respective races. There is not a word in any ofall these writers on the subject."

  "How should there be, sir? History is not a prediction, but a recordof the past. Their silence is so much negative proof in our favor. DoesTacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not Herodotussilent on the subject of the independence of the American continent?--ordo any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the annals ofStunin'tun--a city whose foundations were most probably laid some timeafter the commencement of the Christian era? It is morally impossiblethat men or monikins can faithfully relate events that have neverhappened; and as it has never yet happened to any man, who is still aman, to be translated to the monikin state of being, it follows, as anecessary consequence, that he can know nothing about it. If you wanthistorical proof, therefore, of what I say, you must search the monikinannals for evidence. There it is to be found with an infinity of curiousdetails; and I trust the time is not far distant, when I shall havegreat pleasure in pointing out to you some of the most approved chaptersof our best writers on this subject. But we are not confined to thetestimony of history, in establishing our condition to be of thesecondary formation. The internal evidence is triumphant; we appealto our simplicity, our philosophy, the state of the arts among us, inshort, to all those concurrent proofs which are dependent on thehighest possible state of civilization. In addition to this, we have theinfallible testimony which is to be derived from the development of ourtails. Our system of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of thehigh improvement of the monikin reason."

  "Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, when I understand yoursystem of caudology, or tailology, to render it into the vernacular,to dogmatize on the possibility that the seat of reason in man, whichto-day is certainly in his brains, can ever descend into a tail?"

  "If you deem development, improvement and simplification a descent,beyond a question, sir. But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; forocular demonstration is before you, that a monikin can carry his tail ashigh as a man can possibly carry his head. Our species, in this sense,is morally nicked; and it costs us no effort to be on a level with humankings. We hold, with you, that the brain is the seat of reason, whilethe animal is in what we call the human probation, but that it is areason undeveloped, imperfect, and confused; cased, as it were, in anenvelope unsuited to its functions; but that, as it gradually oozesout of this straitened receptable towards the base of the animal,it acquires solidity, lucidity, and, finally, by elongation anddevelopment, point. If you examine the human brain, you will find it,though capable of being stretched to a great length, compressed in adiminutive compass, involved and snarled; whereas the same physicalportion of the genus gets simplicity, a beginning and an end, adirectness and consecutiveness that are necessary to logic, and, as hasjust been mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which,by all analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessingadvantages so great."

  "Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to prove morethan you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for thepurposes of fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from theanalogies of the vegetable world, it is far more probable that tailshave ascended into brains than that brains have descended into tails;and, consequently, that men are much more likely to be an improvement onmonkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men."

  I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine of Dr. Reasono was new tome; and by this time, my esprit de corps had pretty effectually blindedreflection.

  "You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John," whispered CaptainPoke at my elbow; "now, if you are so disposed, I will wring the necksof all these little blackguards, and throw them out of the window."

  I immediately intimated that any display of brute force would militatedirectly against our cause; as the object, just at that moment, was tobe as immaterial as possible.

  "Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and I'm quite asimmaterial as you can wish; but should these cunning varments ra'allyget the better of us in the argument, I shall never dare look at MissPoke, or show my face ag'in in Stunin'tun."

  This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono was drinkinga glass of eau sucre; but he soon returned to the subject, with thedignified gravity that never forsook him.

  "Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human ingenuity,blended, however, with the proverbial short-sightedness of the species.It is very true that saps ascend for fructification; but what isthis fructification, to which you allude? It is no more than a falsedemonstration of the energies of the plant. For all the purposes ofgrowth, life, durability, and the final conversion of the vegetablematter into an element, the root is the seat of power and authority;and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather below all others. Thistap-root may be termed the tail of vegetation. You may pluck fruits withimpunity--nay, you may even top all the branches, and the tree shallsurvive; but, put the axe to the root, and the pride of the forestfalls."

  All this was too evidently true to be denied, and I felt worried andbadgered; for no man likes to be beaten in a discussion of this sort,and more especially by a monkey. I bethought me of the elephant, anddetermined to make one more thrust, by the aid of his powerful tusks,before I gave up the point.

  "I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in as soon as possible,"that your savans have not been very happy in illustrating their theoryby means of the elephant. This animal, besides being a mass of flesh,is too well provided with intellect to be passed off for a dunce; andhe not only has ONE, but he might almost be said to be provided with TWOtails."

  "That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great warfarebetween itself and mind, has gone on the principle of 'divide andconquer.' You are nearer the truth than you imagined, for the trunkof the elephant is merely the abortion of a tail; and yet, you see, itcontains nearly all the intelligence that the animal possesses. On thesubject of the fate of the elephant, however, theory is confirmed byactual experiment. Do not your geologists and naturalists speak ofthe remains of animals, which are no longer to be found among livingthings?"

  "Certainly, sir; the mastodon--the megatherium, iguanodon; and theplesiosaurus--"

  "And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of animal matterincorporated with rocks?"

  "This fact must be admitted, too."

  "These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than the final depositswhich nature has made in the cases of those creatures in which matterhas completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as the will is entirelyextinct, the being ceases to live; or it is no longer an animal. Itfalls and reverts altogether to the element of matter. The processesof decomposition and incorporation are longer, or shorter, accordingto circumstances; and these fossil remains of which your writers say somuch, are merely cases that have met with accidental obstacles totheir final decomposition. As respects our two species, a very cursoryexamination of their qualities ought to convince any candid mind of thetruth of our philosophy. Thus, the physical part of man is much greaterin proportion to the spiritual, than it is in the monikin; his habitsare grosser and less intellectual; he requires sauce and condimentsin his food; he is farther removed from simplicity, and, by necessaryimplication, from high civilization; he eats flesh, a certain proofthat the material principle is still strong in the ascendant; he has nocauda---"

  "On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your scholars attach anyweight to traditions?"

  "The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition that ourspecies is composed of men refined, of diminished matter and augmentedminds, with the seat of reason extricated from the confinement andconfusion of the caput, and extended, unravelled, and rendered logicaland consecutive, in the cauda."

  "Well, sir, WE too have our traditions; and an eminent writer, at nogreat distance o
f time, has laid it down as incontrovertible, that menonce HAD caudae."

  "A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known tocast their shadows before."

  "Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, by pointingto the stumps."

  "He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin! Such errorsare not unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. That men WILL havetails, I make no doubt; but that they HAVE ever reached this point ofperfection, I do most solemnly deny. There are many premonitory symptomsof their approaching this condition; the current opinions of the day,the dress, habits, fashions, and philosophy of the species, encouragethe belief; but hitherto you have never reached the enviabledistinction. As to traditions, even your own are all in favor of ourtheory. Thus, for instance, you have a tradition that the earth was oncepeopled by giants. Now, this is owing to the fact that men were formerlymore under the influence of matter, and less under that of mind thanto day. You admit that you diminish in size, and improve in moralattainments; all of which goes to establish the truth of the monikinphilosophy. You begin to lay less stress on physical, and more on moralexcellences; and, in short, many things show that the time for the finalliberation and grand development of your brains, is not far distant.This much I very gladly concede; for, while the dogmas of our schoolsare not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that you are ourfellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less improved condition ofsociety."

  "King!"

  Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of taking a short intermissionin order to refresh himself. I retired with Captain Poke, to havea little communication with my fellow-mortal, under the peculiarcircumstances in which we were placed, and to ask his opinion of whathad been said. Noah swore bitterly at some of the conclusions of themonikin philosopher, affirming that he should like no better sport thanto hear him lecture in the streets of Stunin'tun, where, he assured me,such doctrine would not be tolerated any longer than was necessary tosharpen a harpoon, or to load a gun. Indeed, he did not know but theDoctor would be incontinently kicked over into Rhode Island, withoutceremony.

  "For that matter," continued the indignant old sealer, "I should askno better sport than to have permission to put the big toe of my rightfoot, under full sail, against the part of the blackguard where hisbeloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring him to reason. Why, asfor his cauda, if you will believe me, Sir John, I once saw a man, onthe coast of Patagonia--a savage, to be sure, and not a philosopher, asthis fellow pretends to be--who had an outrigger of this sort, as longas a ship's ringtail-boom. And what was he, after all, but a poor devilwho did not know a sea-lion from a grampus!"

  This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind considerably; and layingaside the bison-skin, I asked him to have the goodness to examine thelocalities, with some particularity, about the termination of the dorsalbone, in order to ascertain if there were any encouraging signs to bediscovered. Captain Poke put on his spectacles, for time had brought theworthy mariner to their use, as he said, "whenever he had occasion toread fine print"; and, after some time, I had the satisfaction to hearhim declare, that if it was a cauda I wanted, there was as good a placeto step one, as could be found about any monkey in the universe; "andyou have only to say the word, Sir John, and I will just step intothe next room, and by the help of my knife and a little judgment inchoosing, I'll fit you out with a jury-article, which, if there be anyra'al vartue in this sort of thing, will qualify you at once to be ajudge, or, for that matter, a bishop."

  We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I had barely timeto thank Captain Poke for his obliging offer, which circumstances justthen, however, forbade my accepting.