CHAPTER IX
“O lady! we receive but what we give, And in our life alone does nature live: Ours is her wedding garments ours her shrorwd! . . . . . Ah! from the soul itself must issue forth, A light, a glory, a fair luminous cloud,
Enveloping the Earth-- And from the soul itself must there be sent A sweet and potent voice of its own birth, Of all sweet sounds the life and element!” COLERIDGE.
From this time, until I arrived at the palace of Fairy Land, I canattempt no consecutive account of my wanderings and adventures.Everything, henceforward, existed for me in its relation to myattendant. What influence he exercised upon everything into contact withwhich I was brought, may be understood from a few detached instances. Tobegin with this very day on which he first joined me: after I had walkedheartlessly along for two or three hours, I was very weary, and laydown to rest in a most delightful part of the forest, carpeted with wildflowers. I lay for half an hour in a dull repose, and then got up topursue my way. The flowers on the spot where I had lain were crushed tothe earth: but I saw that they would soon lift their heads and rejoiceagain in the sun and air. Not so those on which my shadow had lain. Thevery outline of it could be traced in the withered lifeless grass,and the scorched and shrivelled flowers which stood there, dead, andhopeless of any resurrection. I shuddered, and hastened away with sadforebodings.
In a few days, I had reason to dread an extension of its balefulinfluences from the fact, that it was no longer confined to one positionin regard to myself. Hitherto, when seized with an irresistible desireto look on my evil demon (which longing would unaccountably seize me atany moment, returning at longer or shorter intervals, sometimes everyminute), I had to turn my head backwards, and look over my shoulder; inwhich position, as long as I could retain it, I was fascinated. But oneday, having come out on a clear grassy hill, which commanded a gloriousprospect, though of what I cannot now tell, my shadow moved round, andcame in front of me. And, presently, a new manifestation increasedmy distress. For it began to coruscate, and shoot out on all sides aradiation of dim shadow. These rays of gloom issued from the centralshadow as from a black sun, lengthening and shortening with continualchange. But wherever a ray struck, that part of earth, or sea, orsky, became void, and desert, and sad to my heart. On this, the firstdevelopment of its new power, one ray shot out beyond the rest, seemingto lengthen infinitely, until it smote the great sun on the face, whichwithered and darkened beneath the blow. I turned away and went on. Theshadow retreated to its former position; and when I looked again, ithad drawn in all its spears of darkness, and followed like a dog at myheels.
Once, as I passed by a cottage, there came out a lovely fairy child,with two wondrous toys, one in each hand. The one was the tube throughwhich the fairy-gifted poet looks when he beholds the same thingeverywhere; the other that through which he looks when he combines intonew forms of loveliness those images of beauty which his own choice hasgathered from all regions wherein he has travelled. Round the child’shead was an aureole of emanating rays. As I looked at him in wonder anddelight, round crept from behind me the something dark, and the childstood in my shadow. Straightway he was a commonplace boy, with a roughbroad-brimmed straw hat, through which brim the sun shone from behind.The toys he carried were a multiplying-glass and a kaleidoscope. Isighed and departed.
One evening, as a great silent flood of western gold flowed through anavenue in the woods, down the stream, just as when I saw him first, camethe sad knight, riding on his chestnut steed.
But his armour did not shine half so red as when I saw him first.
Many a blow of mighty sword and axe, turned aside by the strength ofhis mail, and glancing adown the surface, had swept from its path thefretted rust, and the glorious steel had answered the kindly blow withthe thanks of returning light. These streaks and spots made his armourlook like the floor of a forest in the sunlight. His forehead was higherthan before, for the contracting wrinkles were nearly gone; and thesadness that remained on his face was the sadness of a dewy summertwilight, not that of a frosty autumn morn. He, too, had met theAlder-maiden as I, but he had plunged into the torrent of mighty deeds,and the stain was nearly washed away. No shadow followed him. He hadnot entered the dark house; he had not had time to open the closet door.“Will he ever look in?” I said to myself. “MUST his shadow find him someday?” But I could not answer my own questions.
We travelled together for two days, and I began to love him. It wasplain that he suspected my story in some degree; and I saw him once ortwice looking curiously and anxiously at my attendant gloom, which allthis time had remained very obsequiously behind me; but I offered noexplanation, and he asked none. Shame at my neglect of his warning, anda horror which shrunk from even alluding to its cause, kept me silent;till, on the evening of the second day, some noble words from mycompanion roused all my heart; and I was at the point of falling onhis neck, and telling him the whole story; seeking, if not forhelpful advice, for of that I was hopeless, yet for the comfort ofsympathy--when round slid the shadow and inwrapt my friend; and I couldnot trust him.
The glory of his brow vanished; the light of his eye grew cold; and Iheld my peace. The next morning we parted.
But the most dreadful thing of all was, that I now began to feelsomething like satisfaction in the presence of the shadow. I began tobe rather vain of my attendant, saying to myself, “In a land like this,with so many illusions everywhere, I need his aid to disenchant thethings around me. He does away with all appearances, and shows me thingsin their true colour and form. And I am not one to be fooled with thevanities of the common crowd. I will not see beauty where there isnone. I will dare to behold things as they are. And if I live in a wasteinstead of a paradise, I will live knowing where I live.” But of thisa certain exercise of his power which soon followed quite cured me,turning my feelings towards him once more into loathing and distrust. Itwas thus:
One bright noon, a little maiden joined me, coming through the wood ina direction at right angles to my path. She came along singing anddancing, happy as a child, though she seemed almost a woman. In herhands--now in one, now in another--she carried a small globe, bright andclear as the purest crystal. This seemed at once her plaything and hergreatest treasure. At one moment, you would have thought her utterlycareless of it, and at another, overwhelmed with anxiety for its safety.But I believe she was taking care of it all the time, perhaps not leastwhen least occupied about it. She stopped by me with a smile, and bademe good day with the sweetest voice. I felt a wonderful liking to thechild--for she produced on me more the impression of a child, though myunderstanding told me differently. We talked a little, and then walkedon together in the direction I had been pursuing. I asked her about theglobe she carried, but getting no definite answer, I held out my handto take it. She drew back, and said, but smiling almost invitingly thewhile, “You must not touch it;”--then, after a moment’s pause--“Or ifyou do, it must be very gently.” I touched it with a finger. A slightvibratory motion arose in it, accompanied, or perhaps manifested, bya faint sweet sound. I touched it again, and the sound increased. Itouched it the third time: a tiny torrent of harmony rolled out of thelittle globe. She would not let me touch it any more.
We travelled on together all that day. She left me when twilight cameon; but next day, at noon, she met me as before, and again we travelledtill evening. The third day she came once more at noon, and we walked ontogether. Now, though we had talked about a great many things connectedwith Fairy Land, and the life she had led hitherto, I had never beenable to learn anything about the globe. This day, however, as we wenton, the shadow glided round and inwrapt the maiden. It could not changeher. But my desire to know about the globe, which in his gloom began towaver as with an inward light, and to shoot out flashes of many-colouredflame, grew irresistible. I put out both my hands and laid hold of it.It began to sound as before. The sound rapidly i
ncreased, till it grewa low tempest of harmony, and the globe trembled, and quivered, andthrobbed between my hands. I had not the heart to pull it away from themaiden, though I held it in spite of her attempts to take it from me;yes, I shame to say, in spite of her prayers, and, at last, her tears.The music went on growing in, intensity and complication of tones, andthe globe vibrated and heaved; till at last it burst in our hands, anda black vapour broke upwards from out of it; then turned, as if blownsideways, and enveloped the maiden, hiding even the shadow in itsblackness. She held fast the fragments, which I abandoned, and fled fromme into the forest in the direction whence she had come, wailing likea child, and crying, “You have broken my globe; my globe is broken--myglobe is broken!” I followed her, in the hope of comforting her; buthad not pursued her far, before a sudden cold gust of wind bowed thetree-tops above us, and swept through their stems around us; a greatcloud overspread the day, and a fierce tempest came on, in which I lostsight of her. It lies heavy on my heart to this hour. At night, ere Ifall asleep, often, whatever I may be thinking about, I suddenly hearher voice, crying out, “You have broken my globe; my globe is broken;ah, my globe!”
Here I will mention one more strange thing; but whether this peculiaritywas owing to my shadow at all, I am not able to assure myself. I cameto a village, the inhabitants of which could not at first sight bedistinguished from the dwellers in our land. They rather avoided thansought my company, though they were very pleasant when I addressed them.But at last I observed, that whenever I came within a certain distanceof any one of them, which distance, however, varied with differentindividuals, the whole appearance of the person began to change; andthis change increased in degree as I approached. When I receded to theformer distance, the former appearance was restored. The nature of thechange was grotesque, following no fixed rule. The nearest resemblanceto it that I know, is the distortion produced in your countenance whenyou look at it as reflected in a concave or convex surface--say, eitherside of a bright spoon. Of this phenomenon I first became aware inrather a ludicrous way. My host’s daughter was a very pleasant prettygirl, who made herself more agreeable to me than most of those about me.For some days my companion-shadow had been less obtrusive than usual;and such was the reaction of spirits occasioned by the simple mitigationof torment, that, although I had cause enough besides to be gloomy, Ifelt light and comparatively happy. My impression is, that she was quiteaware of the law of appearances that existed between the people of theplace and myself, and had resolved to amuse herself at my expense; forone evening, after some jesting and raillery, she, somehow or other,provoked me to attempt to kiss her. But she was well defended fromany assault of the kind. Her countenance became, of a sudden, absurdlyhideous; the pretty mouth was elongated and otherwise amplifiedsufficiently to have allowed of six simultaneous kisses. I started backin bewildered dismay; she burst into the merriest fit of laughter, andran from the room. I soon found that the same undefinable law of changeoperated between me and all the other villagers; and that, to feel I wasin pleasant company, it was absolutely necessary for me to discover andobserve the right focal distance between myself and each one with whomI had to do. This done, all went pleasantly enough. Whether, when Ihappened to neglect this precaution, I presented to them an equallyridiculous appearance, I did not ascertain; but I presume that thealteration was common to the approximating parties. I was likewiseunable to determine whether I was a necessary party to the production ofthis strange transformation, or whether it took place as well, under thegiven circumstances, between the inhabitants themselves.
Phantastes: A Faerie Romance for Men and Women Page 11