by J. S. Cooper
“It’s Clara,” she whispered. “She’s dead.”
“Riley, are you okay?” I felt Eden shaking my shoulder, and I looked up at her unblinking.
“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”
“Are you thinking about it?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed. “I was thinking about it.”
“She was driving drunk. She was irresponsible.” Eden grabbed my shoulders. “Look at me, Riley. This wasn’t our fault. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have driven drunk.”
“I know.” I felt sick to my stomach and rolled away from her. “Do you think I can be by myself right now?” I whispered. “I don’t feel well.”
“Okay.” Eden stood up, and I listened to her as she walked to the door. “You can’t blame yourself, Riley. You didn’t know.”
I lay there for about thirty minutes, staring at the wall blankly. My brain was void of thoughts and my heart was void of emotion as I thought back to that night again.
Dead, dead, dead. I could still hear the words in my ears. So unfamiliar, so unreal. How could she die? She wasn’t supposed to die. She was supposed to ask someone for a ride home. She wasn’t supposed to drive drunk.
My stomach started churning as I allowed myself to go down the dark road of that night again. The one night that had been the best and worst of my life. I closed my eyes and pictured Hudson’s face, so handsome, so caring, and so loving. He’d loved me. I knew that now. He’d always loved me. Once upon a time. And I’d loved him. How could I not? He’d been my protector, my friend, the boy who’d taught me to kiss. The boy who’d always cared about me.
And he was handsome. Oh was he handsome. When I looked at him, my heart did a million flips. I could barely control my breathing when I was close to him. I’d dreamed of him for years. I’d always wanted a chance. Waited for him to realize he wanted me. And then he’d brought Clara with him. Clara, a beautiful, wonderful girl. Clara, who was to become the first girlfriend of his that I had ever met. I’d hated her on sight. How could I not? How could you not hate the woman who was with the boy you’d always wanted? But I’d tried to hide my hate. And I’d tried to stay away from him.
Until that last night. That last night I’d had a shot of vodka and gained some liquid courage. That night I’d thrown caution to the wind. And it had been marvelous. Making love to Hudson had set my heart and body on fire; I’d never known it could be like that. So sweet and hot and sexual. I hadn’t known that there were tastes and feelings that could make my body pulse with such pleasure that I didn’t want it to end. And I hadn’t wanted it to end.
As I had lain in his arms, soaking him in, I hadn’t wanted the night to end. And that was why I’d deleted the text messages. I could still see them clearly. The messages and the missed calls. “Hudson, come pick me up at the bar. I’m drunk.”
I hadn’t even hesitated as I’d pressed delete so quickly and casually. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my night. It was supposed to be our night. It was supposed to be about me and Hudson. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. I didn’t want him to think about her. He was going to dump her. He didn’t love her.
I’d been childish and selfish and jealous, but it didn’t even matter because I had still lost Hudson. And I’d cost Clara her life. And the guilt of what I’d done continued to consume me. I knew I needed to tell Hudson the truth. He had to know that it was my fault that Clara was dead. I was the reason he hadn’t gone to pick her up. Only I was scared. I was scared that not only would Hudson stop talking to me forever, but that he would hate me forever as well.
Chapter 8
Hudson
Present Day
I sat at the back of the bus by myself. I was angry that Riley had shown up, but I tried to tell myself I didn’t care. I’d made a mistake kissing her the other day. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I’d seen the look of shock in her eyes. The fear and the pain. She was disgusted by me. She probably thought I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I was like every other guy. I let sex guide me. I let lust guide me. I wasn’t an honorable man. I was a killer.
I clenched my fist as I sat back, watching Riley laughing and talking with Justin. Though, I was glad it wasn’t Channing. I would have killed Channing if he even thought about talking to her. She looked beautiful of course. When she’d arrived, she’d given me a scared look, as if she’d thought I was going to shout at her and tell her to leave. I’d been angry to see her of course. However, another part of me had been excited. Really excited.
I listened to her laugh, and a part of me was warmed by the sound. I groaned softly to myself. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be near her. I didn’t deserve to be.
I closed my eyes and tried not to stare at Riley like some creep. Instead, images of her filled my brain—images of happier moments in time.
“Hudson, wanna go fishing?” Riley’s ten-year-old voice was eager as she walked into my room.
I shook my head. “Not really.”
“Oh.” She came and sat on my bed. “What are you doing?”
“I’m studying.” I sighed, not wanting to be bothered by her.
“What are you studying?”
“Botany,” I lied.
“What’s that?” She made a face and reached for my book.
“Plant stuff.” I grabbed my book up to my chest. “Why don’t you go and bother Eden?” I snapped.
“What?” She frowned and looked at me with sad eyes.
“Nothing,” I sighed, feeling bad but still holding my book close to my chest.
“Why are you so mean?”
“Why are you so annoying?”
“Because I’m the boss.”
“Boss of who?” She looked around.
“The boss of you. Duh.”
“You’re not the boss of me.”
“Yeah, I am.” I raised an eyebrow. “Go and get me some water.”
“No.” She shook her head.
“Go and get some water and I’ll take you fishing.”
“Really?” She looked at me eagerly.
“Yeah,” I grinned at her. “Sure.”
“Okay.” She jumped off of the bed, ran to the door, and stopped.
“Go and get me my water, minion.” I laughed and lay back. “I told you I’m the boss.”
“I saw the boob in your botany book.” She raised an eyebrow at me and grinned. “Happy studying, Hudson.” She giggled and ran out of the room as my face went red.
Shit! I threw the book and the Playboy magazine it was supposed to be hiding on my bed.
“Riley!” I screamed as I ran out of my room.
“Yes, boss?”
“Don’t tell my mom.” I glared at her as she giggled. She was a pain in the ass.
“Yes, boss.”
“Stop calling me boss.”
“Yes, boss.”
“You’re so annoying.” I glared at her. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll never take you fishing again.”
“Uh huh.” She smiled, and I rubbed the top of her head and walked back to my room.
I opened my eyes then, feeling sad. I missed having Riley in my life. She’d always been a pain in the ass, but she’d always been someone close to my heart. I supposed in a way it had been inevitable that we fell in love. She’d always had a piece of my heart from the very first time I’d met her.
I watched as Riley turned her head slightly and looked at me, and I looked away quickly. I sat there for a few seconds and then looked back to the front. Riley was no longer looking at me, but Channing’s gaze was on me with a knowing look. It took everything I had to not get up and punch the smug look off his face.
This weekend was supposed to be about bonding, and while I had no intentions of bonding with Channing, I didn’t want to let anyone know that before we’d even arrived at the campsite.
I sighed as I realized that I was going to have to interact with Riley once we got there. There was no way I could just ignore her. I had to learn to get a handle on my emotions a
nd feelings. I had to be prepared for the looks I was sure she would be getting from every guy on the trip. I knew that there was no way that all the other guys would be able to ignore her. She was beautiful and nice and kind and sexy.
I jumped up and walked to the front of the bus, before I could stop myself.
I tapped Riley on the shoulder. “Hey.”
She looked at me in surprise. “Hi.” Her eyes were curious, and I saw a flash of excitement in them, but she didn’t smile at me.
“I was wondering if we could talk.”
She frowned. “You want to talk to me?”
“That’s what I said,” I huffed, annoyed that she hadn’t gotten up already.
“What about?”
“Yeah, what about, Batman?” Justin chimed in, and I tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut. I liked Justin and didn’t want to have to smack him.
“Riley.” I said her name softly, and she gazed up into my eyes. We stared at each other for a few seconds and then she stood up.
“Fine.” She followed me to the back of the bus, and I heard Justin shouting after us.
“Don’t leave me, Riley,” he sang out, and a couple of the guys laughed.
“So?” She sat down in the back next to me, and I could see the question in her eyes.
“I wanted to just say hey.” I shrugged, feeling inadequate.
“You could have said hey while I was at the front.”
“I thought we could talk.”
“About what?” She leaned back and looked at me expectantly.
“Maybe we can be friends?” I felt awkward saying the words. This was a girl I loved. This was the girl whose virginity I had taken, yet here I was, asking her to be friends like we were strangers.
“Sure.” She nodded and looked down.
“I’m sorry for ignoring you the other day.”
“You already told me that.”
“I’m sorry that I told you to leave.”
“I understand why.”
“I’m sorry I kissed you.”
“I’m not,” she whispered, and I looked at her in shock. My heart started beating fast as she stared into my eyes.
“Sorry, what?”
“I’m not sorry you kissed me.” She bit her lower lip, and I could see the confusion in her eyes. “It was nice.”
“Riley,” I groaned. I didn’t need this right now. I didn’t want her to tell me that she’d enjoyed kissing me. I couldn’t hear that.
“Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault that Clara died.” She stared into my eyes, and in that instant, I felt like I was back at the scene. She had the same look in her eyes that I’d had when we saw the cops outside the house.
I was ashamed of the first thoughts I’d had when I’d seen the cops. I was mad. I was mad that our perfect evening was being ruined. I’d wanted it to be so special. I’d wanted every moment of it to be picture perfect. But of course, how could it have been? I’d been a guy with a girlfriend. It didn’t matter that I’d been about to end it. The fact was that I hadn’t ended it, yet I had still slept with Riley.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I shook my head, and she grabbed my hand.
“I need to tell you something.” Her voice cracked and I shook my head again.
“No. This isn’t the time.”
“Do you hate me?” Her voice drifted into my ears, and it felt so strange to hear it. I’d grown up listening to that voice, but now it sounded distant. It was surreal.
“I could never hate you.” I took her hand in mine. “You know that, right? You’ll always be my little squirt.”
“You just stopped talking to me.”
“I’m sorry.” I sat back and took a deep breath. “I took advantage of you. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“You didn’t take advantage of me.”
“I never should have encouraged you to skinny dip.”
“Hudson, stop it.” She shook her head angrily. “I wanted you to.”
“I should have waited. I should have made it more special. It wasn’t right. We shouldn’t have made love that night.”
“So you regret it?”
“Yes.” I nodded and stared into her eyes. “I regret it.”
A dart of pain shot through me as I lied. This is why you’re evil and destined for hell, Hudson, an inner voice said to me. You don’t regret it at all. You’ve never regretted it. It’s the only thing that makes you happy. It’s the memory you look back at when you feel down and depressed.
Making love to Riley was the highlight of my life. That night was everything to me. I held it close to my heart. It made me feel. And I lived with that guilt every single day of my life. The best moment of my life happened right before Clara died. And I just couldn’t live with myself for that.
“I see.” Her voice cracked and she jumped up.
“Where are you going?” I grabbed her arm, loath to see her walk away.
“I’m going back to my seat.”
“Oh.” I dropped my arm.
“It was good talking to you.” She offered me a weak smile.
“Friends again?” I held out my hand, and she looked at it for a second before taking it.
“Okay, friends again.” We shook hands weakly, and I watched her walk back to the front of the bus.
I felt my heart breaking once again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through this weekend. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the rest of my life.
I went for a run in the woods to try and calm myself down. I’d been pissed when I saw Channing and Riley place their sleeping bags next to each other. I’d seen him grinning at me as he put his bag down next to hers, and I’d wanted to punch him hard. He was a jackass, and I knew he was deliberately trying to wind me up.
“Save your energy for the fight,” I whispered to myself as I ran. That’s all I could tell myself.
I couldn’t afford to make a wrong step and not get the opportunity to attend the championships. I needed to win the million dollars. I needed to support Clara’s mom since I knew that was her greatest wish, and I also wanted to give money to Jamilah’s mom. I was worried about her.
I’d seen her right before the fight, and she’d looked stressed. I knew that she was leaving the kids at home while she went to work, but what could I say? I knew she needed the money, and I tried to babysit whenever I could. It broke my heart that Jamilah and Marcus were left alone so many nights, but I didn’t know what I could do without interfering. If I won the million dollars, maybe Jamilah’s mom could look for a new job and get someone to help her watch the kids.
I stopped by a tree trunk, sweat dripping down my face. I felt like I had a world of worries on my shoulders, but all I could think about was Riley. I wondered what she was doing at that very moment. I sighed and sat on the ground as I tried to sort out my thoughts. I stilled as I heard footsteps approaching me.
“Thanks for agreeing to walk with me.” Channing’s voice sounded smarmy, and I frowned.
“No worries,” Riley replied, and I froze. What was she doing with him?
“You’re so pretty.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re single right?”
“Yes.”
No, I wanted to shout, she’s not single! She’s mine! But I just remained still and clenched my fists.
“Good, I’m single as well.”
“Oh nice.” Riley’s voice sounded uncertain, and I was annoyed at her. I didn’t know why she wasn’t shutting him down right away.
“We should go on a date when we get back.”
“Okay,” she replied, and it took everything I had to not run out and grab her.
“What do you like to do?”
“To do?”
“On dates?”
“Oh, lots of stuff.”
“Do you like riding?” Channing’s voice was soft, and I felt my blood boiling.
“Riding?” Riley sounded confused.
�
�Yeah, I love girls that love to ride,” Channing laughed, and I stood up, ready to go and hit him.
“I can’t say I’ve ever been. I’ve never really been around horses,” she replied, and I smiled.
“Do you like dogs?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I love doggie style.”
“Excuse me?” Her voice rose and I could hear the shock in her tone.
“I’m joking,” Channing replied smoothly, and I knew that he was trying to play it smooth.
I wasn’t sure if he really liked her or if he was playing with her to try to get to me, but I knew that there was no way I was going to let him sleep next to her tonight. I knew he would try and pull something. I didn’t trust him at all and I wasn’t going to just wait to see what happened.
I waited until they had walked some more and then I ran back to the camp. Most of the other guys were sitting around drinking beers. I walked over to the bags, quickly grabbed Riley’s sleeping bag, and ran off. I ran deep into the woods and threw it behind some rocks before running back.
“Hudson, want a Bud Light?” Justin called out to me, and I nodded.
“Thanks.” I took it and sat next to him. “Looks like this should be a fun weekend,” I said casually.
“Yeah, it should be cool.” He nodded. “You and Channing going to be okay?”
“Why shouldn’t we be?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged.
“I have no problem with him,” I lied.
“Oh okay.” Justin chugged some of his beer, and it looked like he was about to say something when Channing and Riley arrived back to the camp. “Hey, guys. You want a beer.”
“Of course.” Channing ran over and grabbed a beer. I watched as Riley followed him slowly and took one.
“Are you sure about that, Riley?” I frowned at her and she blushed.
“Yes.” She opened the tab and took a long gulp.
“Fine.” I shook my head and looked away from her. “So what’s the plan for tonight, guys?”
“I thought I’d have an early night.” Channing grinned at me. “You never can be too prepared.”