De Turkey and De Law
Page 2
Carter.
LIGE
You can't do nothin wid him dese days. He useter choose a game of
cards when he wasn't out huntin, but now when he ain't out huntin
varmints he's huntin' Daisy Blunt. (Enter Dave right with a shot-gun
slung over his shoulder.)
WALTER
Come on, fish, lemme bend a five-up over yo' head. You looks just like
my meat.
DAVE
Ahm on mah way to kill me a turkey gobbler, but if you and Lum thinks
y'all's tush hawgs Ah'll stop long enough to take you down a
button-hole lower. (He sets his gun down and finds a seat and draws it
up to the card table)
WALTER
Naw, Dave, we aint going to fool wid no button-holes we gointer tear
off de whole piece dat de button-holes is in. (They all get set) All
right boys, turn it on and let de bad luck happen.
LIGE
(Probbing the deck) My deal.
WALTER
Watch yo'self Dave, don't get to worryin bout Daisy and let 'em ketch
yo' jack.
LUM
(Winking) What you reckon he gointer be worryin' bout Daisy for? Dot's
Jim's gal.
DAVE
Air Lawd, a heap sees but a few knows. Deal de cards man--you
shufflin' a mighty lot.
WALTER
Sho is--must be tryin' to carry de cut to us.
LIGE
Aw, we ain't gonna cheat you, we gonna beat you. (He slams down the
cards for Dave to cut) Wanna cut 'em?
DAVE
Nope. Taint no use cuttin' a rabbit out when you kin twist him out.
Deal 'em! (Lige deals and turns up Jack of spades.)
WALTER
Yee-ee! Did you snatch dat Jack?
LIGE
Man, you know I ain't snatched no Jack. Whut you doin'?
WALTER
I'm beggin!
LIGE
Go ahead and tell 'em I sent you.
WALTER
Play just like ahm in New York, partner. (scratches his head) We
oughter try to ketch dat Jack.
LIGE
Stick out yo' hand an' you'll draw back a nub.
WALTER
Whut you want me to play for you, partner?
DAVE
Play me a baby diamond.
(Walter plays, then Lum, then Dave)
LUM
(Triumphant) Looka pardner, they doin all dat woofin on uh
queen--sendin' women to do uh man's work. Watch me stomp her wid mah
king (He slams his card down and collects the trick.) Now come un
under dis ace! (They all play and he collects the trick.) Now whut you
want me to play for you, pardner?
LIGE
How many times you seen de deck.
LUM
Twice
LIGE
Pull off wid yo' king.
(Lum plays the king of spades. All the others play.)
Look at ole low pardner. Ah knowed ah wuz gointer ketch him! Come
right back at 'em.
LUM
(stands up and slams down the ace) Pack up, pardner. Ahm playin' mah
knots, now all play now. Ho! Ho! Dere goes de queen'. De Jack's a
gentleman! (Lige takes the Jack and sticks it up on his forehead in
braggadocia.) Here comes de ten spot, pardner, ahm dumpin to yuh!
LIGE
(as he plays the Jack) Everybody git up off it and dump. High, low,
Jack, game and gone from de first four.
WALTER
Gimme dem cards! Y'all carried de cub to us dat time. (riffles the
cards elaborately) but de deal is in de high, tall house now. Dis is
Booker T Washington spreadin his mess. (offers cards to Lige) Cut?
LIGE
Yeah, cut 'em and shoot 'em. I'd cut behind mah ma. (He cuts and
Walter deals.)
WALTER
Well, whut sayin'?
LUM
I'm beggin.
WALTER
Get up off yo' knees. Youse dat one.
LIGE
Walter, you sho stacked dese cards.
WALTER
Aw, stop cryin' and play, man. Youse too old to be hollerin'
titty-mama.
LUM
Dis ain't no hand, dis is a foot. What you want me to play for you
partner?
LIGE
Play yo' own hand partner--I ain't nobody. Lead yo' bosses. (He leads
the ace of clubs. Play goes round to dealer and Walter takes the card
off the deck and slams it down.)
WALTER
Get up ol' deuce of diamonds and gallop off wid yo' load. Pardner, how
many times you seen de deck?
DAVE
(Two times--(they make signals.)
WALTER
Watch dis ol' queen. Less go! (He begins to sing--Dave joins in.) When
yo' card gits lucky, oh pardner, you oughter be in a rollin' game. (He
speaks.) Ha! Ha! Wash day and no soap! (He sticks the Jack upon his
forehead. He stands up and sings again.) Ahm goin' to de 'Bama Lawd.
Pardner don't want no change. (He collects that trick and plays again.
Dave also stands.)
DAVE
Here come de man from de White House--ol' king of diamonds. (Sings,
all join.) Ahm goin' back to de Bama, Lawd. Pardner won't be worried
wid you. (He collects the trick.) Never had no trouble, Lour pardner,
till I stopped by here.
(They all stand hilariously slam down their cards.
WALTER
Aw, wese just too hard for you boys--we eats our dinner out de
blacksmith shop. Y'all can't bully dis game. (He solemnly reaches over
and takes Dave's hand.)
DAVE
(to Walter) Mr. Hoover, you sho is a noble president. We done stuck
dese shad-moufs full of cobs. They skeered to play us any mo'.
LIGE
Who skeered? Y'all jus' playin ketch up nohow. Git back down and lemme
wrap uh five-up round yo' neck.
DAVE
(looking off right) Squat dat rabbit an' less jump another one. Here
come Daisy.
WALTER
Aw Lord, you ain't no mo' good now. But Ah don't blame you, Dave, she
looks warm.
(Enter Daisy right with a scarlet hibiscus over each ear and smiling
broadly.)
LIGE
(jumps down and takes Daisy by the arm) Come on up here, Daisy and
ease Dave's pain. He's so crazy 'bout you his heart 'bout to burn a
hole in his shirt. (She steps up on the porch)
DAVE
(Bashfully) Aw, y'all gwan. Ah kin talk.
DAISY
(Arms akimbo, impudently) Oh kin you? (She gets up close to Dave)
DAVE
(Pleased) You better git way from me fore Jim come long.
DAISY
(Coquettishly) Ain't you man enough to cover de ground you stand
on?
DAVE
Oh, Ah can back my crap! Don't worry 'bout me. Where you headed for?
DAISY
Where _you_ goin? (Audaciously)
DAVE
Out by de cypress swamp to kill us uh turkey. Its uh great big ole
gobbler--been slurring me fer six months. Ahm gointer git him today
for you, and yo' mama gointer cook him.
DAISY
Ah sho would love the ham of turkey.
DAVE
(Patting his gun barrel) Well me an' ole Hannah sho gointer git you
one. Look here, Daisy, will you choose uh bag of ground peas?
DAISY
I jus l
ove goobers
DAVE
(Sticking out his right elbow) You lak chicken?
DAISY
Yeah
DAVE
Take uh wing. (She locks arms with him and they strut inside the
store.)
LIGE
Ah blieve dat fool is got some gumption. Jim Weston better watch out.
WALTER
Oh I ain't never figgered Dave was no fool. He's uh bottom fish. Jim
talks all de time but Dave will run him uh hot--here he come now.
(Looks off left. All look the same way.)
LUM
Lawd, don't he look mean? (She chuckles) Ah bet he know Daisy's here
wid Dave. Ah wouldn't take nothin' for dis.
(Enter Jim Weston left with a guitar looking very glum. He stops
beside the step for a moment. Takes off his hat and fans with it.)
JIM
Howdy do, folks.
ALL
Howdy do, Jim.
JIM
Don't do all they say. (He sees the gun leaning against the rail) Who
gun dat? (Points at the gun)
LIGE
You know so well whose gun dat is. Ah jus' heard him say he's goin out
to git his gal uh ham of a turkey gobbler out round de cypress swamp.
He's inside now treatin her to penders and candy. (He winks at the
others and they wink back)
WALTER
(Turns and calls into the store) Say, Dave! Don't try to keep Daisy in
dere all day. Her feller out here waitin to scorch her home.
DAVE (from inside store)
Let him come git her if she want him.
LIGE
Umph! dere now, de mule done kicked Rucker! (Calls inside to Dave) I
hear you crowin, rooster. I know yo' nest aint far.
HAMBO
(From inside store) Yeah, dis rooster must know something--he's gittin
plenty grit in his craw.
(General laughter)
(There is a gay burst of laughter from inside the store. In a moment
Dave enters from the store with Daisy on his left arm. With his right
he is stuffing shells into his pocket. The air is tense. Lindsay,
Hambo and Joe Clarke all enter behind the couple)
DAVE
(Releases Daisy and steps to the edge of the porch right in front of
Jim and looks up at the sky) Well, sun's gettin low--better git on out
to de swamp and git dat gobbler. (He turns and picks up de gun and
breaks it)
JIM
Lo Daisy. (Sullenly)
DAISY
(Brightly) Hello Jimmy (She is eating peanuts) Ain't Dave smart? He's
gonna kill me uh turkey an' ah kin eat all ah wants.
JIM
He aint de onliest person kin shoot round here.
LIGE
Yeah, but he's best marksman just de same. Taint no use talkin, Jim.
You can't buck Dave in de woods. But you got de world beat wid uh
git-fiddle. Yessuh, Dave is uh sworn marksman but you kin really beat
de box. Less have uh tune.
JIM
Oh I ain't for pickin no box. I come to git some shells for my rifle.
Sorta figgered on uh wild turkey or two. (He comes up on the porch and
starts in the store)
DAISY
If Dave go git me dat big ole turkey an' you go git me one too--gee!
Wont I have uh turkey fit?
LINDSAY
Lord, Daisy, you gointer have dese boys killin up every turkey in
Orange County.
WALTER
You mean _Dave_. Jim couldn't hit de side of uh barn wid uh brass
fiddle.
JIM
(Hitching up his trousers) Who can't shoot? (to Clarke) Come on an'
gimme un box uh shells. I'll show yuh who kin shoot! (He exits into
store with Clarke behind him)
DAVE
(To Daisy) You wait here till ah git back wid yo' turkey.
DAISY
Ahm skeered.
DAVE
Whut you skeered of? Jim? He aint no booger boo, if his ears do flop
lak uh mule.
DAISY
Naw. Ah aint skeered uh no Jim. Ah got tuh git back tuh de white folks
an Ahm skeered tuh go round dat lake at night by myself. (Enter Jim
from store and stands in door with box of shells in his hand)
JIM
No girl look like you don't have to go home by yo' self, if it was
midnight.
DAVE
(Gun in hand and ready to exit) Naw, cause Ahm right here--
JIM
Daisy don't you trust yo'self round dat lake after dark, wid dat
(points at Dave) breath and--britches. You needs uh real man to
perteck you from dem 'gators and moccasins.
DAVE
Let somethin happen and she'll find out who got rabbit blood and who
aint. Well, Ahm gone. (He steps down off the steps but looks back at
Daisy).
JIM
Ahm goin too--git you uh great big ole turkey-rooster. (Dave takes a
step or two towards left exit).
DAISY
Jim, aint you gointer knock off a li'l tune fo' you go? Ahm lonesome
for some music.
(Dave stops in his tracks and looks wistful. Jim sets down the shells
on the bench and picks up his box with a swagger and tunes a bit.)
WALTER
Georgy Buck!
JIM
(Plays the air thru once then starts to sing. Dave leans his gun
against the fence and stands there.)
1.
Georgy Buck is dead, last word he said
I don't want no shortenin in my bread.
2.
Rabbit on de log--Aint got no dog
How am I goin git him, God knows.
(Dave walks on back near the step, and begins to buck a wing. Daisy
comes down the step admiring both the playing and the dancing. All the
men goin in singing and clapping)
3.
Rabbit on de log--aint got no dog
Shoot him wid my rifle, bam! bam!
4.
Oh Georgie Buck is dead, last word he said
Never let a woman have her way
(The tempo rises. As Dave does a good break he brings up directly in
front of Daisy. He grabs her and swings her into a slow drag. The
porch cheers. Jim stops abruptly. (Enter two women, right and hurry up
to the porch)
1st WOMAN (LULU)
Don't stop, Jim! Hit dat box a couple mo' licks so some of dese men
kin scorch us in de store and treat us.
JIM
Aw, I dont feel lak no playin.
DAVE
(Grinning triumphantly) Ahm gone dis time to git dat turkey. Daisy run
tell yo' ma to put on de hot water kittle (He exits left with gun on
shoulder)
DAISY
Oh lemme see if I got a letter in de postoffice (She exits into store)
JIM
He better git for home fore ah bust dis box over his head.
2nd WOMAN (Jenny)
(Grabbing Lige) Aw, don't worry bout Dave Carter. Play us some music
so I kin make Lige buy me some soda water. (She is playfully dragging
Lige towards the door). Jenny you grab Walter.
(Walter makes a break to jump off the porch and run. The woman catches
him and there is a very gay bit of tussling as the men are dragged
towards the door)
1st WOMAN (Miss Lulu)
I bet if this was Daisy, they'd uh done halted inside and toted out
half de store.
JENNY
Yeah. (gets Walter to the door) Everything you hear is Daisy, Daisy,
Daisy! Just cause she got a walk on her like she done gone crazy thru
de hips! (Yanks Walter into the door) Yeah, y'all goin treat us. Come
on!
WALTER
Yeah, but Daisy's uh young pullet and you gittin gray headed.
JENNY
Thank God I aint gray elsewhere! Come right on. You gointer buy me
some soda water nigger. (to Jim) Play us some music, Jim, so we kin
grand march up to de counter.
JIM
I can't play nothin--mad as I is. I'm one minute to boilin and two
minutes to steam. I smell blood!
MISS LULU
You don't want to fight, do you?
JIM
Sho do. You aint never seen a Weston yet dat wouldn't fight, have you?
LIGE
Thats whut they all got run outa town for--fightin. (Calls into store)
Hey, Joe, give Jenny and Lulu some soda water and ground peas on me so
they'll turn us loose. (to Jim) Yeah, y'all Westons blieves in
fightin.
JIM
Ahd ruther get run out for fightin than to be uh coward. (He slings
the guitar round his neck an' picks up his box of shells.) Well, Ah
reckon Ah'll go git Daisy her turkey cause she sho wont git none less
Ah go git it. Here come Elder Simms anyhow now taint no mo' pickin de
box. (to Daisy) Don't git lonesome whilst Ahm gone.
(Enter Daisy from the store smiling, and walks down to where Jim is
standing)
DAISY
Whuts all dis talk about fightin?
JIM
Lige throwin it up to me bout all my folks been run outa town for
fightin. But I don't keer!
DAISY
Mah mouf done got lonesome already. Buy me some chewing gum to keep
mah mouf comp'ny till y'all gits back wid dat turkey.
JIM
Don't hafta buy none. (reaches in his pocket and pulls out a stick)
What it takes tuh satisfy de ladies, Ah totes it. (He hands her the
gum tenderly) 'By, Daisy. (He walks to left exit)
DAISY
(Coyly) Bye, till you come back.
(Enter Elder Simms right)
Good evenin' everybody.
ALL
Good evenin', Elder Sims.
LUM
(Getting up from his seat on the porch) Have mah seat, Elder. Sims
takes it with a sigh of pleasure. Lum steps off the porch and sets his
hat over one eye) Say, Daisy, you aint goin to sprain yo' lil mouf on
dat tough chewin gum, is yuh? Not wid de help _you_ got. Better lemme
kinda tender dat gum up for yuh so yo' lil mouf won't hafta strain wid
it. (He places himself exactly in front of her. She glances up coyly
at him)
DAISY
Ain't you crazy, now? (Lum tries to snatch the gum but she pops it
into her mouth and laughs as he seizes her hands.
LUM
You don't need no gum to keep yo' mouf company wid me around. Ahm all
de compny yo' mouf need. Ahm sweet papa chewin and sweetness change.
DAISY
Tell dat to Bootsie Pitts, you cant fool me. (turns right) Guess Ah
better go home and see mama. Ah ain't been round since Ah come from de
white folk. You goin walk round there wid me?
LUM
Naw, Ah aint gointer _walk_. When Ahm wid de angels ah puts on mah
hosanna wings and flies round heben lak de rest. (He falls in beside
her and catches her elbow) Less go! (to the porch) See you later and
tell you straighter.
LINDSAY
Don't stay round to Daisy's too long, Lum, and get run out from under
yo' hat!
LUM
Who run?
HAMBO
Taint no use in you hollerin "who". Yo' feet don't fit no limb.
(General laughter) (Exit Lum and Daisy right)
WALTER
Lawd! Daisy sho is propaganda. She really handles a lot of traffic. Ah
don't blame de boys. If Ah was uh single man Ah'd be round there
myself.
LIGE
Ahm willin tuh serve some time on her gang as it is, but mah wife
won't lissen to reason. (Laughter) Ah tries to show her dis deep point
where taint right for one woman to be harboring uh whole man all to
herself when theres heaps uh po' young girls aint got no husband
atall. But Ah just can't sense her into it.
(Laughter)
HAMBO
Now take Jim and Dave for instant. Here they is, old friends, done
fell out and ready to fight--all over Daisy.
WALTER
Thass me all over. I don't want no partnership when it comes to my
women. Its whole hawg uh none. Lawd, what wimmen makes us do!
LINDSAY
What is it dey don't make us do. Now take for instant Jim Weston. He
know he can't hunt wid Dave--Dave is uh sworn marksman, but jes' so as