by Dee Lestari
“About?”
“Kugy.”
“What about Kugy?”
“She’s disappeared. Do you know where she is?”
“No. What’s with that kid? Has she disappeared again? It’s a hobby of hers.” Noni chuckled, remembering when Remi had called her to report something similar. “Did you call her house?”
“Yeah. It’s like they’ve all sworn themselves to secrecy. Kugy probably doesn’t want to be found.”
“If that’s the case, just let her be,” said Noni breezily. “She must want to be alone. She’ll come home soon.”
“If it were only a matter of coming home, I wouldn’t be worried. I’m sure she’ll come home by herself. But that’s not the only problem. There’s something about Kugy that we need to discuss. Is that okay? The day after tomorrow?” Keenan was adamant.
Noni swallowed. She’d never heard such determination in Keenan’s voice.
The townhouse only had two rooms and wasn’t very spacious, but it was more than enough for Karel, who lived by himself. The presence of another person should have made the house feel more cheerful, especially since that person was Kugy, but it had been three days and his little sister’s presence had made the house gloomier instead. Kugy was definitely different. She was quiet and brooding, and often kept to herself. She was fond of the small balcony at the back of the house, where the clothing was hung out to dry. She spent hours there. Who knew what she was thinking about.
He heard footsteps on the wrought-iron stairs. Kugy had just come down from the balcony.
“Eat some dinner,” called Karel. “I bought us some fried rice.”
“Not hungry,” said Kugy curtly.
“It’s impossible for you not to be hungry. Come on, eat something.” Karel placed the fried rice, wrapped in brown paper, on Kugy’s plate and got out some spoons. He began to eat. “Dig in,” he urged.
Listlessly, Kugy unwrapped the rice and ate a few spoonfuls. She finished half before rewrapping the rest. Then she went back to sitting in silence.
Karel watched her. Only after he had finished his own rice did he try to start a conversation. “How long are you going to stay here?” he asked calmly.
Kugy shrugged. “Don’t know. Why? Am I starting to irritate you?”
Karel chuckled. “No. That’s not it. But I am getting annoyed at you not saying anything.” He folded his arms across his chest. “I’ll stop being annoyed if you tell me what’s going on. So come on. Let’s have it.”
Kugy looked at her older brother. It was the look of someone begging for help. There was so much she wanted to tell him. She was tired of keeping everything to herself. “Ask me something,” she said, almost whispering.
There were so many questions swirling in Karel’s head. Suddenly the ring, glinting in the lamplight, caught his eye. “Did Remi give you that?”
One question was all Kugy needed. It could have been any question. It didn’t matter. The floodgates were ready to burst. She just needed some help in opening them. The whole story poured from her in a steady stream—a story four years in the making, beginning with Keenan and Josh, then Remi and Luhde, and ending with the ring around her finger.
“Karel, I’m confused,” said Kugy helplessly. “I’m confused by me. I don’t understand why I reacted the way I did when Remi gave me this ring. It’s not his fault. I don’t understand why I got so worked up when I found out about Luhde, either. It shouldn’t be like this. It should have . . . it should have . . .”
“It should have what?” asked Karel gently.
“It should have . . . made me happy. I should be glad to have someone like Remi. I should be happy he gave me this ring. But . . .”
“But?”
“But why am I here instead?” she wailed. “Why am I running away?”
“Kugy, your head will always think about how things should be. But the heart plays by its own rules.” Karel smiled. “Stop thinking with your head. As clever as that brain is, you can’t use it to understand your heart. Just listen to what it says.”
“Karel, I’m so confused. I don’t know what my heart is saying anymore.” She tried to steady her voice. “The thing is . . .”
“The thing is what?”
“I don’t want to hurt Remi. And I’m not willing to let Keenan hurt Luhde.”
Karel nodded. “Okay. If that’s really what your heart is saying, follow it. You can’t go wrong.” Then he stood up and patted his sister’s cheek.
Kugy looked at her brother as he cleared the plates from the table. “Karel?” she asked.
“Yes?”
Kugy didn’t know what to say. She went back to staring at him with that helpless look in her eyes—a look also full of urgency and confusion.
Karel put his hand on her shoulder. “There’s a small river nearby. Make a paper boat. Tell Neptune everything. Who knows? Maybe he has an answer.” He gave her a small smile, then headed to his room, leaving her alone at the dining table.
Karel’s advice niggled at her. If that’s really what your heart is saying, follow it.
CHAPTER 44
EVERLASTING LOVE
Noni arrived at the ice cream parlor in the Kemang area where she and Keenan had agreed to meet. Within five minutes she saw Keenan’s SUV enter the parking lot. He emerged from the car and entered the parlor. He was wearing a business suit.
“Hey, Boss Boy. Looking good!”
“I didn’t have time to change. I had a meeting and came straight here.” Keenan threw himself down on the sofa.
Noni shook her head. “I still have to get used to the idea of you as the director of a company. It’s so weird to hear you say you were just in a meeting. Very un-Keenan.” She laughed.
“So what would be very Keenan?” he asked, grinning.
“Oh, you know. ‘Sorry, I was up all night painting,’ or ‘Sorry, I just got out of a gallery exhibition.’ Or if you have to use the word ‘meeting’: ‘Sorry, I just had a meeting with Kugy about the future of the East Jakarta branch of Alien Nation.’”
At the mention of Kugy’s name, Keenan’s expression changed. “Speaking of which, what’s going on with Kugy? Do you know something?”
“I haven’t spoken to her all this week,” Noni replied.
“It’s not just about this week. I feel like something’s been going on for longer than that.” He looked out the window, and his mind returned to that evening. It had been in this very place, at this very table, when Kugy had suddenly run away and hailed a cab. There had been no news from her since. “Eko told me you and Kugy didn’t talk for almost three years. What happened?”
Keenan’s request startled Noni. She remembered the gift wrapped in blue paper that Kugy had left at the boarding house. She remembered the birthday card. “So . . . you really feel something’s not right between you two?” Noni sounded hesitant.
“I don’t know. But it would be helpful if you told me what happened. I’m not sure why.”
Noni was silent. Finally, she made a decision. “This isn’t easy for me to say, so I’ll say it quickly: Kugy is in love with you.” She shook her head. “Wrong. All wrong. Let me rephrase. Kugy is head over heels in love with you.”
Suddenly, Keenan found it difficult to breathe.
“It started when she was still dating Josh, before you met Wanda. And I’m sure she still feels the same way today.”
Keenan couldn’t speak.
Noni continued, “I don’t know what happened to make her disappear like this. But you’re right. It probably has something to do with everything I just told you.”
“How’s her relationship with her boyfriend?” asked Keenan.
Noni shook her head again. “I don’t know the exact details. It seemed like she was in love when she told me about him. But who knows? Anything can change.” She was quiet for a while. “And anything can change because there are a few rare instances in this world where things are impossible to change,” she added thoughtfully.
“I wond
er where she is.” Keenan went back to gazing out the window.
Noni was quiet as well. Suddenly, her eyebrows shot up. “We’re so stupid. We should ask her boyfriend!”
“You know him?”
“Yes, I have his number.”
“Then call him!”
“Ah, that’s the problem,” Noni said. “I ran out of minutes.”
Keenan couldn’t help but smile. “We’re not stupid, you’re just broke. No wonder you weren’t picking up when I tried calling you just now.”
“Just call him from your phone. But let me talk to him, okay?” Noni looked for the number. “Here. Zero . . . eight . . . one . . .”
Keenan dialed the number, then pressed the call button. A name appeared on his screen: Remigius Aditya.
“Remi?” he mumbled.
“Hey, you know him?” Noni asked.
He heard the ringing on the other end. Before long, he heard a “hello.” Keenan hastily passed the cell phone to Noni.
“Hello? Remi? Hi, it’s Noni. Kugy’s friend. Yeah, you’re right, I am calling from Keenan’s phone. I just found out you two know each other. Keenan and I went to university with Kugy. Yeah, we only just figured it out! Who knew?” Noni laughed. “So, here’s the thing. We’re looking for Kugy. And we thought you might know where she is . . .”
Keenan was deep in thought. He heard Noni chattering away in her distinctive high-pitched voice. But it was as if the sound were echoing in a void. He didn’t care what Noni was saying anymore. He was alone in that void now, lost in a whirlpool of memories and fragmented recollections. Remi’s words played again in Keenan’s mind. You two would definitely get along . . . she’s very special to me . . . I’ve never felt like this before. Never. Keenan bowed his head and closed his eyes. So Remi was Kugy’s boyfriend. Remi—whom he so admired and respected.
Then Keenan was reminded of the big plans Remi had told him about. There was a bitter taste in his mouth. He replayed their conversation again, including what he had said. If you ever need me for anything, just let me know. Who knows? I might be able to help.
Noni thrust his cell phone at him, and with that, he was brought out of his reverie. “Remi’s been going crazy looking for her, too. He doesn’t know where she is. That girl!” Noni shook her head in disapproval. “By the way, how do you know him?”
Keenan suddenly remembered something. “I have to go. I’ll call you later and tell you everything, okay?”
“Where are you going?”
“I need Karel’s new address. It shouldn’t be too hard to find. Bye!” He was gone in a flash.
“Madman,” she muttered. Noni became aware of a large platter of ice cream heading her way. And she would have to finish it all by herself.
It was almost dark when Keenan arrived at Karel’s house. Karel opened the door and looked surprised to see Keenan.
“Karel, is Kugy here?” asked Keenan. She must be.
Karel didn’t respond right away. “You should go to her,” he said at last as he turned and pointed at a door. “She’s on the balcony out back, where we hang the laundry. See that door? It leads to some stairs. Climb them and you’ll find her.”
Keenan nodded. He headed for the stairs and climbed to the top.
The balcony consisted of a concrete ledge with a plastic chair and table. He could see Kugy’s silhouette. She was sitting with her back to him, gazing up at the evening sky. Her hair was loose and hung over the back of the chair, fluttering gently in the wind.
Keenan held his breath. “Little One . . .”
Kugy turned around and saw Keenan standing before her. “You . . . How did you find me?” she asked, her voice faltering.
“Neptune radar,” Keenan answered as he flashed her a smile. Then he drew near and squatted in front of her. “Why’d you run away?” he asked gently.
“Even I don’t know why.” Kugy shook her head. “I’ve spent every day here trying to figure out why, and I still don’t know the answer.”
“I’d like to help you. May I?” Keenan took Kugy’s hand. “I’ve been waiting to say this for years. Kugy Karmachameleon, I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment we met. I love you now. And I’ll love you until I don’t know when. I don’t see this love ever ending.”
Kugy’s vision blurred. Her eyes were hot from the tears waiting to roll down her cheeks, but she held them back.
“That’s the first thing. But there’s more.” Keenan tried to steady his breath. “I already know about Remi. If I had to let someone else have you, it would be him. Nobody else. He is a very, very good man. You’re lucky.”
“You’re lucky, too,” Kugy whispered. “I met Luhde at a temple when I was in Ubud. We chatted for a while. She’s like an angel from heaven. Never let her go.”
Keenan was startled to hear Kugy utter Luhde’s name, but he recalled his conversation with Remi once again. She came with me to Ubud when I was in Bali, but unfortunately, she didn’t visit the gallery because she was at a temple taking photos. At last, Keenan understood—the dramatic change in Luhde’s demeanor when she had come back from the temple; the change in Kugy’s demeanor, too, when she had come back from Bali. Finally, it made sense.
“Luhde doesn’t deserve to get her heart broken,” whispered Kugy.
“Remi doesn’t, either,” Keenan answered softly.
Kugy bowed her head and shut her eyes. Her eyes were so full of tears she almost couldn’t see anything anymore. The sky grew darker. The wind blew more gently. The pain in her heart grew sharper.
“There’s so much I want us to do together,” whispered Keenan.
Kugy looked up, and tried her best to smile. “We can do it. Of course we can. We’re still going to make that book together, right? And I can still be your friend.” She almost choked on that last word. She knew friendship was just a last resort—that it could never contain all her feelings for Keenan—but it was all she had left. Oh, how vast was the ocean of her feelings—how wide! But she restrained herself.
“Yes. We can still work together. And we’ll always be best friends.” Keenan swallowed. How hard it was to utter those words—especially when his whole heart rejected them. But he remembered the promises he had made, to Luhde and to Remi. If this truly was the help Remi needed, then just as he’d helped him once, so Keenan would help him in return.
“Keenan . . .” Kugy squeezed his hand, her voice tender. “There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I want to give you. But never mind. It doesn’t matter. It’s not meant to be. We’re not meant to be. Go back, Keenan. Go home.”
Keenan nodded. There was nothing more that needed to be said. Anything else would only further wound his heart. “Don’t stay too long up here either, Kugy. It’s getting late.” Keenan touched Kugy’s cheek for a moment. Slowly, he turned to go.
Her tears flowed then, and her vision cleared, though all she could see of Keenan was a black shadow retreating into the distance. “Keenan!” she called.
“Yes?” Keenan turned around.
“Ten, twenty years from now, I don’t want to feel this pain every time I think of you.” Kugy pressed her hand to her heart.
Keenan choked. “You won’t. If I can do it, so can you.”
“And you’re sure you can?” Kugy sobbed.
“I’m sure . . .” Keenan’s voice trembled, filled with hesitation, confusion, and fear. But he would not back down. He climbed down the steps, one by one, and vanished from Kugy’s view. We can do this. We have to, he thought. If not . . . Keenan couldn’t remember when he had felt such sorrow.
Kugy cried. She made a promise to herself. This was the last time she would cry over Keenan—and of all the times she had cried over him, she had never been in as much pain as she was now. She was happy and brokenhearted all at once. Now she knew beyond a doubt that they loved each other—and also, that they could never be together.
CHAPTER 45
THE SHADOW HAS A NAME
The next day, Kugy decided to come out of hiding
and return home. And the very first person she called was Remi.
One phone call was all it took to bring him straight to her house.
He came armed with a thousand questions. But the second he saw Kugy, they all vanished. Instead, he took her in his arms and held her for a long time. He could only ask her one thing. “What’s wrong?”
Everything that Kugy wanted to say also melted away, crystallizing into a single request. “Please forgive me.”
Remi loosened his embrace and took Kugy’s left hand. The ring was still there. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“Remi, I’m ready,” said Kugy firmly. “Your proposal caught me off guard, but I’m all right. I’m prepared to go through anything with you. Starting now.”
Remi gazed into her eyes, looking for certainty there. “Are you sure?”
Kugy took a deep breath. “Positive,” she answered with resolve.
Remi kept looking into her eyes, still searching. “Kugy, I appreciate what you’re saying. But I’m not going to lie. I need more reassurance.” His tone was heavy. “Your decision to disappear surprised me. And, to be honest, I’m still confused. But I also promised to respect the fact you needed to process things. I’m not going to force you to talk or tell me anything before you’re ready. But again, I need more proof. I’m not sure I can face this kind of situation again.”
Kugy swallowed. She understood what Remi meant. “So what can I do? What can I say to make you believe me?”
Remi shook his head. “I don’t know. You’re the only one who knows.”
Her mind and her heart flew into a frenzy. But she knew that in this new chapter of her life, she didn’t have much of a choice. She knew the decision she would have to make in the end. It was as clear as the diamond sparkling on her finger. And she didn’t want to waste any more time.
“I want to give you something,” she said, her heart beating faster. “Wait here.” Kugy went into her bedroom. She opened the top drawer of her nightstand. It was something that had recently been returned to her—something that had been gone for years. And now she was going to part with it again. I hope it will be in good hands, she prayed.