by Monica James
“I will take Zoey away and ensure you never see her again, but I will return.” Saint steps forward, and the room suddenly grows smaller.
But Alek isn’t intimidated. He came prepared for a fight. “And why would you do that?”
No matter how badly I want to hear him say it, I won’t let those words be his last because that’s what they’ll be if he tells Alek the truth. Saint has forever been my savior, but we both knew it would end this way.
We were on borrowed time.
“Because I—” Saint storms forward, as does Alek, but he’s finally been rewarded with what he’s always wanted.
His freedom.
And I won’t let his loyalty stand in the way of that.
Knowing he’s safe away from this life is, in a way, my freedom as well. I may be trapped here forever, but he isn’t. I want him to live. To be happy. And every so often, if he thinks of me, well, that will make all of this worthwhile.
To love someone, you have to be prepared to set them free, and now, this is me letting Saint go.
Stepping between them, I press a hand over Saint’s chest. I can feel his strong heart thrashing against my palm. He peers down at it, confused. The sight breaks the final piece of me; the piece which was held together for him. “Goodbye, Saint.”
His mouth parts open slowly, his eyes wild. “Will—”
But I cut him off. This is my gift to him. “You got what you always wanted. You’re free.” His freedom has come with a price, but I’d happily sacrifice everything for him because that’s what you do for the people you love.
Saint turns his cheek like I’ve slapped him. “No, I—”
But this isn’t negotiable. Alek is the gamemaster, and he’s changed the rules. We were always his pawns, waiting for the next move.
“You heard her. She doesn’t need you anymore.” Alek is at my back, but I don’t need to see him to know he is smugger than a pig in shit.
I’m set alight by Saint’s glower because it’s game over.
Alek has won.
“Such a shame. You’ll miss the masquerade ball I’m organizing for Willow’s big unveiling.” He is such a patronizing asshole. It takes all my willpower not to turn around and knee him in the balls.
I close my eyes, desperate to keep the tears at bay because I need him to know that I’m okay. No matter what Alek does to me, Saint will always, always have my heart.
When I reopen them, the last sliver of hope floats to the wind, leaving me with an emptiness so great, I don’t know how I will survive this without him. But I must. And I will.
“You can pack up your things. And take whatever you think Zoey will want.”
“You’re not going to say goodbye to her?” I ask him, but my eyes are locked on Saint’s. Is this our goodbye?
He is furious with me, and I am fearful he’s seconds away from exploding. But when Alek presses against my back, threading his fingers through my hair and tugging softly, we know if we don’t play by the rules, Alek will ensure we suffer and suffer greatly.
“No.” He offers no further explanation because a single word speaks volumes.
Saint stands deathly still, and I know he wrestles with what to do. But this is really it this time.
No matter how strong I’m trying to be, a single tear traces a path down my cheek. Saint follows its movement; his expression not just breaking my heart, but he fucking destroys me. I commit him to memory, memorize the man who changed my life forever.
“I’ll ensure you’re paid everything you’re owed.”
“Keep your money,” Saint snarls, his fists curled by his side.
“No. As I said, I’m a man of my word.”
Waves of anger roll off Saint, and they only intensify with every jagged breath he takes. I need to end this. For once, I need to be the strong one.
“Come, дорогая. Let’s leave Saint to gather his things.” He isn’t even going to let me say goodbye.
Panic grips me because this is really it. I’ll no longer feel his touch or be comforted by his trademark scent. Everything we experienced will soon be a distant memory because to survive this place, I will have to do so under the guise of whatever drug I can find.
Or better yet.
When the time presents, I will finish what I started on that yacht because what sort of life is this? Without Saint, it feels like I’m living half an existence anyway.
I want to say so many things, but what would that achieve? I will keep my secret under lock and key and allow myself to slip back into the past when I miss him, which will be every single moment of every single day.
He launches forward, uncaring that Alek stands feet away, and buries me into his arms. He squeezes me so tightly, I can barely breathe, but what a way to go. He strokes my hair as he presses his lips to the top of my head.
The game is up, so Saint can touch me so openly. What is Alek going to do? He’s already done the worst possible thing he can. If he were to kill me, he’d be doing me a favor.
I sob into Saint’s chest as the world shatters around me. But I mute my whimpers because he is free. Finally, he can step out of the shadows and live where he belongs—in the light, which is why I gently break our embrace and…let go.
I turn on my heel and walk toward Alek, taking his extended hand. Saint curses behind me as I hear something shatter against the wall, but I don’t look back…and I never will.
I’m curled in a ball on my bed, fixated on the swirls on the wall. My tears have long dried up because there aren’t enough to express the utter anguish within me.
Alek detailed all the things he has planned for me—shopping, parties, trips around the world. It was clear what he was doing. He was hoping to buy me so I would forget about Saint. But how can I forget about someone ingrained in my very core?
A piece of me is missing, and it’ll never heal. But I focus on what’s important, and that’s Saint’s freedom.
I wonder what’s next for me. I’ve been living each day at a time, but the truth is, in part, I was living for Saint. For us to leave this place and start afresh together. I don’t regret my decision, not one single bit. I just wish I could have said goodbye.
But would it have lessened the ache within my chest?
I think not because nothing ever will.
Clutching the cross around my neck, I squeeze my eyes shut, not knowing what to do next. Saint was my compass, my true north, but now, I’m so fucking lost.
“Shh, don’t cry.” My mind, the cruel, sadistic bitch isn’t satisfied until I’m rocking in a corner it seems because when I hear his voice, I know it’s just a trick.
But when the bed dips, and I feel him. Smell him. I know that it’s not. “Aнгел…”
Who knew a voice had the ability to take the pain away, and like a magic salve, I’m suddenly myself again.
Brushing the hair from my eyes, I sit up slowly, almost too afraid to look. But when I turn and see Saint, that fear turns to relief, and I burst into tears.
He scoops me into his arms, and I sag against him, intent on staying this way forever. “Ho-how are you h-here? I thought you’d be go-gone be n-now.”
“You really didn’t think that was goodbye, did you?” he says, pressing his lips to my head, my temple, and my cheeks, kissing away my tears.
“I didn’t know,” I confess. “I know you’re mad at me.”
“Yes, I’m fucking furious.” But his tone holds no bite.
“You have to go,” I press, wrapping my arms around his nape and nuzzling into the crook of his neck. No matter how angry he is, he knows I’m right.
“I know. But I fucking hate this is the only way. The stolen moments, it’s not enough time.” Being in here, we’re both being watched. But with Saint out of these walls, he has a fighting chance to set us free. “I’ll come back for you,” he whispers into my ear. “I promise.”
My skin breaks out into goose bumps from the vow alone. I gave him the option to take his freedom and run, but it seems
he wants something more…and that’s me.
“I know you will.”
“I’m only leaving”—he inhales slowly, akin to being in pain—“because I know you can look after yourself. You’re not the princess who needs rescuing.” He pulls away and cups the back of my neck. With fire burning behind his eyes, he declares, “You’re fucking fierce. And you’re no one’s victim. You never have been. Never forget it.”
Unable to hold back a second longer, I paw at him madly as I smash my lips to his. He drags me up his body so I’m straddling him so tight, not a wisp of air can pass between us. Our kisses are messy and frantic, but they’re perfect. They remind me that I’m alive.
I want him with every frenzied breath I breathe into him, but this kiss is a stolen one in time. He bites my bottom lip, before our tongues duel, fighting for top spot. I rub myself against him, his hard erection hitting me in just the right way.
I want him so much, consequences be damned.
Slipping my hands under his T-shirt, I run my fingers down his chest, relishing in the way his skin prickles under my touch. When I reach his nipple piercing, I circle the metal before tugging lightly. Saint moans into my mouth and bucks against me.
His abs are the next thing I caress.
Saint reaches between us, rubbing over my shorts roughly. I am so aroused it will only take a few quick strokes, and I will come. He lowers his head to my neck, biting over my pulse. Helpless to him, I bounce against his fingers, all the while stroking his hot, hard body.
He snaps the waistband of my shorts, diving into my underwear and sinking two fingers into me. I am lost to the feeling, and shamelessly, as I arch backward, riding his hand, I come within seconds. Saint moans into my neck, robbing me of every last tremor.
When I’ve come down, I want to return the favor, but Saint removes his fingers, the ones buried deep within me, and puts them into his mouth. He suckles, humming in utter bliss. Weeks ago, I would have turned a beet red, but now, I just get slicker between the legs.
When he’s done cleaning his fingers, he wraps his arms around my waist and draws me close. “Here.” With one hand, he reaches into his backpack and produces his journal. “I want you to take this.”
I eye it like he’s just given me a live grenade. “Why?”
“It’s my journal,” he explains. I know what it is, but I need to know why he’s giving it to me. “There are notes on the people you will most likely meet. The Circle.”
My mouth hangs open in understanding.
“To beat your enemy, you need to become them. This will give you everything you need to know. If something were to happen, use this to save yourself.”
I gulp because it’s all so dire, but I know he isn’t being melodramatic. When he offers it to me, I resist the urge to flip through it right then. I place it under the pillow and promise to guard it with my life.
“I don’t have much time.” He sighs, running his fingers through my hair. “I will be in touch. I have a plan.”
Of course he does.
I know he can’t tell me, seeing as my room is bugged and under surveillance. Odds are Alek’s men have already seen us, but we just don’t care anymore.
He hunts through his backpack once more, and when the silver of his switchblade catches the light, I shiver. He places it in my hand, nodding subtly. “Use it if you need it.”
The metal feels heavy, but I know it’s only my mind playing tricks.
“Don’t hesitate,” he orders, running his finger along the apple of my cheek.
“Okay.” I lean into his touch, closing my eyes.
He takes his time because just as I did earlier, it’s now his turn to commit me to memory. He traces down the slope of my nose before caressing over my parted lips. I am so lost to him that not even a roadmap could guide me to any other road but him.
“Love and fear, I’ve come to learn, are one and the same. It makes you feel the same. Your heart rate increases. Your palms sweat. And most of the time, you want to die. That’s how I feel whenever I’m around you.”
My eyes pop open because his analogy is absolutely perfect.
“I fear what I feel for you, aнгел. For the first time in my entire life, I’m afraid, and I think that’s because”—he wets his lips while I remain completely still—“I fear love. But in the same breath, I love fear. I thought I was destined for only one, but then, I met you, and you changed everything.
“You are the only thing I fear in this world because I…I…lo—” He shakes his head, expressing how hard this is for him. And I understand.
So, for now, this will have to do. I will hold his imperfectly perfect analogy close to my heart.
Placing a finger over his lips, I silence him. “I fear you too.”
It’s unorthodox, but I was struggling to find the right words for how I feel about Saint, and now, I’ve just found them. I fear him because I love him too. But my fear is because I am scared of losing him. I am scared of the way he makes me feel because I am so in love with him. Being without him is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever had to face.
To most, it doesn’t make sense, but to me, I have never felt more certain than I do right now.
Saint presses his forehead to mine. “I have to go.”
Those words leave me a whimpering mess, but I nod quickly, holding back my tears. “Okay.”
“Be safe, Willow. You do whatever you have to, to survive.”
Gasping, I pull away gently, locking eyes with him. “You too, Saint.”
At this moment, I understand why they say the eyes are the window to one’s soul. Saint’s soul seems to be in mourning with mine. We’ve spent fifty-three days together—a mere drop in the ocean compared to the endless hours of our lives—but I will never forget this fraction in time.
“I will send word as soon as I can.”
“Mmm-hmm.” It’s taking every ounce of strength I have not to break down and beg him to stay. But knowing he will be free has me pressing my lips to his. The kiss is chaste, and it’s how I want him to remember me.
“This isn’t goodbye,” he says because he can read straight through me.
“Then what is it?”
He ponders my question before he wraps his fingers around the back of my neck. “This is our new beginning.” And those words are his legacy because he kisses my forehead softly before untangling our bodies and standing.
There is so much more I want to say, but I can’t. So I will keep it under lock and key until we meet again.
There is a soft knock on the door, hinting it’s not Alek. When Sara enters, she looks back and forth between Saint and me, her eyes filled with sorrow. “The car is downstairs. Zoey is in the back. Alek made sure she wasn’t waking up anytime soon. I guess he isn’t one for goodbyes.” There is nothing but venom behind her words.
Saint nods, his jaw clenched. “Thanks, Sara.”
“I’ll miss you, Saint,” she says, tears welling, but she quickly wipes them away with the back of her hand. “You were the only person who was kind to Hans. Thank you.”
He clenches his jaw. “There is no need to thank me for being a human being. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”
I understand why she feels the need to express her gratitude. She is a lover scorned, and she reveals just how much so. “I want in. Whatever you’re planning, that bastard has to pay.”
Saint appears stunned by her aggression, and I am too.
“I know you would never leave Willow here alone without a plan.”
His chest rises and falls as it seems we weren’t as discreet as we believed.
“So whatever scheme you have up your sleeve, count me in.”
It feels nice knowing I can trust at least one person in this place.
“Okay, I will be in touch soon.” His lips twitch. “Look out for her. She tends not to listen.”
I scoff but don’t argue because it’s true.
“I’ve noticed.”
“Goodbye, Sara.” Saint rea
ches for her hand and squeezes it. Why is he saying goodbye to her? He said this wasn’t goodbye for us, so what plans does he have for her?
“Goodbye.”
The air is thick with unspoken promise, but Saint has to leave first because I am a coward and can’t say goodbye. He turns over his shoulder, and just as he’s done countless times before, he steals my breath.
“запомни, я всегда рядом.”
I don’t know what he just said, but a single tear betrays my inner turmoil.
He watches me closely, and does something which tears me into two.
He smiles.
It’s not something I see often, but I will treasure forever his parting gift.
He nods once, exhaling, then opens the door and leaves me to deal with this torment within. For the first time in fifty-three days, I am truly alone. Only when his footsteps grow faint do I wrap my arms around my middle and let the tears fall.
Sara rushes forward and hugs me tightly as we both weep for the men who have left our lives.
I thought I knew what pain felt like, but right now, I feel like a switch has been flipped, and my life has been shrouded in nothing but darkness.
“Wh-what did h-he say?” I stumble over my words as I sob into Sara’s shoulder.
She rubs my back, her tears reflective of my own. “He said, remember, I’m always next to you.”
But honestly, how could I forget?
Day 54
YOUR JOURNAL SITS in my lap where it’s been since you left. You told me it holds the answers I seek, but I’m afraid because I know once I open it, I will have to face this—alone.
Running my fingers over the leather-bound cover, I wonder where you are and if you’re safe. All of this can’t be for nothing, so with that as my mindset, I take a deep breath and open the book to the first page, which is our beginning.
Unable to help myself, I stroke over the paper. The indents from your handwriting have me remembering the last words you spoke to me.
Remember, I’m always next to you.
How I wish you were here now, but having this with me gives me the strength to persevere and focus. The first entry is a flowchart of sorts, and in the center, the number three has multiple circles around it. Branching from this are arrows with words that mean nothing to me.